25. Ava
25
AVA
The news of our canceled trip to Hawaii comes as a shock. Jack dropped a bombshell on me this morning—he had actually managed to get three extra days off work as unpaid leave, but he kept it for himself until the last minute. Apparently, he had a conversation with his captain about his intention to leave the Corps. It comes as no surprise that the captain denied his request and opted to give him additional time to be with me.
The man himself has hardly said a word to me. My frustration has built up to the ceiling. Every time I open my mouth, I feel like snapping at him. I call Morgan and confide in her about my need for a temporary escape. The last thing I want is to push Jack away with something I don’t mean to do or say.
My bestie has been working in Yellowstone, shooting a documentary about the behavior of wolves as they get ready for winter—which apparently has changed this year thanks to the warming weather. I’m meeting her as she takes a break just outside the park.
Jack insists on coming with me, which defeats the purpose of me trying to get away from him. I say, “I thought you wanted some space.”
He simply shrugs, his eyes fixed on the road as he drives my SUV. “I’m not going to leave you alone.”
I should be glad, but somehow his statement annoys me. Does he have an issue with me hanging out with my best friend? “Well, you’ve been walking Elmo by yourself.”
“Do you want space? I’ll give you space,” and he brakes the car. “I’ll ask Huxley to come with you instead. Would you prefer that?”
“Don’t pass me off like I’m some kind of job.”
“Yes or no, Ava.”
I let out a soft grunt. “No. I want you.”
“That’s settled, then.” He resumes driving.
I glance at him as the road stretches out in front of us. His cold expression doesn’t give away much, but about halfway there, he asks, “Did you tell Morgan about my nightmares?”
I shake my head. “I just told her I needed to get out of the house.”
“And you’re not gonna tell her now?”
“No.”
“Good. Apart from that, you can pretend that I’m not there.”
“I won’t tell her, Jack.”
His rigid stance softens. “Thanks.”
The second half of the trip passes quickly, and we reach our destination in West Yellowstone.
“Is this it?” Jack asks, his eyes reading the sign: Grizzly and Wolf Discovery Center .
“Yeah,” I affirm.
As I get ready for the visit, Jack lends me a hand. Anticipating some tight spaces inside, I’m opting for a carrier instead of a stroller. This way, Quinton can sit on the front harness and watch everything while I have both hands free. Jack patiently guides me as he secures the carrier, adjusting it for optimal comfort. With Quinton snugly settled, he plants a kiss on my forehead.
“You go ahead, take your time,” he says. “You won’t even know I’m around.”
My heart crumbles as I observe him standing still. It doesn’t feel right, but I resist the urge to console him, knowing deep down it’s not what he’s searching for at this stage. Perhaps, in some way, it’s not what I need either. We both crave a sense of space and distance.
Inside, Morgie awaits by the ticket booth. She gives Quinton and me a hug, then calls out, “Quinnie-Bear! Who’s my superstar?”
Quinton seems to share her emotions. He coos and babbles as if Morgan is his best friend already.
“Gee, I feel so special,” Morgan says, giving me a visitor pass. “What did you feed him this morning?”
“Told ya he’ll warm up to you.”
“Please, let me carry him. Please….” Morgan begs.
After taking Quinton out, I detach the carrier and help Morgan fit the harness on herself. It takes her some time, but she eventually gets it right. I make sure everything is secure and then pass Quinton over to her. She’s rocking it with him, but I know having her own isn’t on her to-do list right now.
“Where’s Jack?” she asks as we walk toward the wolf’s area.
“He’s somewhere,” I reply, scanning the surroundings but unable to locate him. “He’s more like a bodyguard than a boyfriend these days.”
“Well, he’s both. But I understand what you mean. So, this outing isn’t just about getting away from the house?”
“He’s grumpy. ”
“Hmm… guys have PMS, too. Haven’t you noticed?” she chuckles.
I scoff at the notion. “Willem never had PMS. Or maybe he had it every day, so I didn’t know any different. Anyway, I don’t think that’s what Jack is having.”
“A man, just like any male adult mammal, can experience withdrawal symptoms if his testosterone levels drop.”
I laugh at the seriousness in her tone. “I’m sure my man’s testosterone is on an optimal level.”
Morgan’s mouth twists to the side as if implying that I lack understanding of biology. “Every hormone has its up and down, whether it’s in Batman’s body or our men’s bodies. Especially sex hormones.”
“That’s interesting,” I ponder, associating the phenomenon with something else. Could Jack’s nightmares get more violent because of a hormonal change? I doubt it.
“Ty has it. Just so you know, his testosterone is fine, but sometimes he gets moody for no reason. His PMS, or IMS—Irritable Male Syndrome—as it’s known in men, syncs up with mine. Conveniently. When this happens, I can never find the right words to talk to him in a way that he doesn’t misinterpret them. But we handle it.”
“I think Jack is overwhelmed with my situation and his own,” I explain. “Mine—well, Willem. And his—he can’t seem to accept that I genuinely want to live with him in Hawaii. I don’t want him to choose between his career and me.”
Amid the interaction of the wolves, Quinton adds to the commotion with his excited calls, waving his arms up and down and bouncing in the carrier. “Emmo!”
“Everything is Elmo to him,” Morgan giggles. “How wonderful. If there’s a tech that can take you back to your childhood happiness, just for a moment, I’m all for it.”
“Where would you go back to? ”
She ponders. “Maybe when my parents decided I could adopt a puppy. Remember, you and I went together to the shelter and picked Shadow? That border collie cross?”
“Ah… Shadow. Yes. That hyperactive dog! But he was so much fun. I’d go back to that moment, too. Maybe I’ll tell Willem about the idea.”
“He would probably invent something that would trap you in your most terrifying childhood nightmare, like being carried by a clown.” She trembles in disgust.
“Oh, one of your birthdays. When your parents organized a bouncy castle, magicians, and all that?”
“Yeah, scary stuff!” she sneers. “How about your scary moment?”
“Um… the first time I was taken to the hospital. My mother said I had a really bad fever. The room smelled like an over-cleaned toilet—well, that was what I thought then, anyway. The doctor was tall. His medical coat almost blended into the white wall, making his head look like it was floating. The needle in his hand looked massive. I remember bawling in fear.”
“When was that? You never told me.”
“Before we met. When I was five. But the doctor saved my life. It was meningitis, and I recovered fully because of the early intervention.”
“Scary, Ave. You and your hyperthymesia.”
“I do not have hyperthymesia.”
“You should get a test, seriously. And I bet your results would be positive. You told me you remember your second birthday! How many people do that?”
“It was the pony. My dad put me on a white one, holding me steady like I was riding a unicorn. It was magic.”
“That was a much better idea of a birthday party! ”
I can imagine my animal-lover bestie choosing a pony ride over a clown ride.
I throw my gaze at the playful wolves, regretting my strained relationship with my parents, all just because of a man. I wonder what they’ll think about Jack, not that they’ll ever make me change my mind if they disapprove.
We stay behind the open viewing area, allowing Quinton to immerse himself in his own world as he points at the different wolves.
Morgan continues. “Jack is a complicated man. You should know that.”
“Isn’t every man complicated?” I comment, putting on a front to conceal the real reason I’m here. I’ve never kept a secret from my bestie before, and it’s killing me! But I promised Jack I wouldn’t tell Morgan about his nightmares, and I won’t break that promise.
“Ave, you’re lame,” she tells me. “The man was abducted when he was seven. You know his complication extends well beyond that of every man.”
“Look, I’ve seen his trauma manifest itself, but I’ve vowed to support him no matter what. Please… please… don’t ask for details.”
“Ava, did he hurt you?”
“No!”
“Promise me you’re telling the truth.”
“I am!”
Morgan exhales, asking, “Remember that incredible sketch you did? Jack Kelleher with his penetrating eyes?”
Of course I do. “What about it?”
“When you showed it to me for the first time, I thought, I’ve never seen a sketch of a man with so much pain in his eyes.”
Her revelation surprises me. “You never mentioned that. ”
“You weren’t aware of it?”
Her question makes me recall the sensation of being entranced as I sketched him. Pencil against paper, his image materialized, vivid and uncomplicated. It was just Jack.
“Not really. Perhaps my admiration blinded me, or perhaps it was that pain that drew me to him, so I didn’t perceive it as pain.”
Morgan puts a hand on my shoulder, and a sudden surge of emotion wells up within me, reminiscent of what I felt when I first laid eyes on the completed sketch. “Actually, I did see that pain. I did.”
She pulls me close, offering me comfort. “But you weren’t fazed by it.”
“I saw the pain as his need, and in my imagination, I could fulfill that need. He’s been telling me he’s broken. And I have to admit, I’ve been drawn to his brokenness as if it’s what keeps me connected to him.”
“And you never considered freeing yourself from that attachment?”
“No way. I love him, Morgie.”
“Mama!” The sudden call brings instant smiles to both of our faces. Quinton squirms in Morgan’s arms, calling me again.
My best friend says in disbelief, “Did he…did he just say ‘mama’?”
“He calls me ‘mama’ now,” I say proudly. Seeing the little one restless, I take over carrying him.
Morgan leads the way as we meander along the complex, entering the bear’s area.
“Look, Quinton. Bears.” I point at the two large, brown creatures rolling in the water.
“Baaaa.”
“They’re bears,” I insist .
“Has he learned to say ‘dada’?” Morgan asks.
“Not yet.”
“Maybe you should. Impress your man.”
I twist my lips. “It’ll make him sad.”
Morgan cocks her head, her eyes asking questions. She then whispers, “Did he break your heart?” Her face shows that she’s ready to fight if I say yes.
“No. But do you remember what you said in Bozeman? When you urged me to give it a go with Jack and not worry about whether it was going to work out?”
“Vaguely.”
“I told you I couldn’t pursue Jack because I was getting back together with Willem.”
“That part, I remember.”
“Then you asked if I’d rather be heartbroken by that woman-beater or by an honorable man.”
“So Jack did break your heart!”
“The truth is, Morgie, I feel that he’s slipping away, but I don’t feel brokenhearted. If he had cheated on me, yes, I would’ve. Or if, one day, we did part ways, and I found out he was moving on with another woman, then yeah.”
“If he ever did that to you, I’d make sure to kick him in the balls myself. You know I could!”
I shake my head, chuckling. “Somehow, I can’t see that happening. I may be getting ahead of myself, but he’s never had a serious relationship before me. And his attachment is so strong. Whatever you call it—dedication, devotion.”
“How about you? Are you as attached to him?”
“He’s the only one, Morgie. I won’t give up on us.”
Morgan’s smile reveals that she already knows the answer. She pulls me into our signature besties-forever embrace and gives me a peck on my temple. Her belief in me strengthens my resolve as I prepare to claim my Jack back.