26. Jack
26
JACK
I gaze at the array of packed and unpacked bags strewn across the room. Most of them belong to Quinton, but they serve as a constant reminder of my own failure. I never intended to make things difficult for Ava. I just didn’t want us to be isolated in Hawaii, even though it meant being apart from Willem. I can feel that evil nearby. I want to confront him, but I also know that I can’t handle everything on my own, especially if I want to take a chance on what Willem referred to as ‘the truth.’ Being close to Red Mark played a significant role in my decision to remain in Helena.
Ava has been quiet ever since we returned from our trip to Yellowstone. Perhaps I’ve been the one avoiding talking to her. Yes, she did try to start a conversation, but there must’ve been something in my body language that made her stop.
As Quinton snoozes in his crib, Ava busies herself with laundry. She’s been spending time in there, watching the washing machine.
Despite the distant look in her eyes, I approach her. “Why don’t you wait for me in the living room? I’ll prepare some tea for both of us. ”
She lets out a grumble, tossing a T-shirt into a basket. It’s mine. With an irritated voice, she exclaims, “It’s taken you this long to make the effort?”
“I’m sorry. I know you wanted to talk to me, but I wasn’t ready. Please, give me a chance?” I plead, my arms encircling her waist. In a moment of surrender, she exhales, releasing the clothes she held—yet another of my T-shirts.
She makes her way to the living room while I head to the kitchen to brew our tea.
Joining her moments later, I settle myself right beside her.
My lungs are in overdrive, expelling air rapidly while struggling to replenish it. Confession is never an easy thing. I’m not merely disclosing a secret to her. I’m about to destroy what we’ve built together.
“Ava,” I start, reaching over to her. I struggle to recall if my voice ever trembled like this when I said her name.
The gentle touch of her hand calms me, but her eyes betray her unease about what news awaits her. Inhaling deeply, I muster the courage to continue. “Willem has made me an offer.”
Ava straightens, her expression caught off guard as the news clearly surpasses her worst fears.
“He called me during our picnic,” I continue, my words falling out in a rush. “And someone handed me a photo of a basement.”
“Don’t. Please don’t even think about it!”
“There’s no way he could’ve known that basement unless he had legit information about my abduction.”
Her reaction is immediate, her face contorting with worry. “He’s going to trap you,” she warns. “The DOJ has withdrawn their contract from W-Bot. If you go near that system, you’ll be committing a crime. ”
“I’ve been trying to piece my life together for two decades. A year or two in prison for that would mean nothing!”
She cringes. “What about us?”
“I love you with all my heart, Ava.” My voice wavers. “And Quinton. But we may need to rethink our future.”
“Jack!” Her voice, usually soothing, thunders with emotion. A harsh reminder of the gravity of my words.
“I don’t deserve you. I’m not just broken. I’m damaged beyond repair.”
“That’s bullshit!”
“I learned to speak again when I was twelve, Ava. I was drugged, beaten, brainwashed. And my scar…” My hands tremble as I reach down, gripping the fabric of my T-shirt. With a desperate motion, I pull up the hem, revealing the scar between my shoulder blades. “I got this from running away from my kidnapper. I can’t remember it, but the police found my bloodied clothes. It’s easy to connect the dots.”
She brings a hand to her mouth as if trying to hold back the emotions threatening to spill out. “Jack, I’m here for you. I don’t care if you’re in pieces. I don’t care if you’ve become dust in the wind. I will gather you, keep you. Please, don’t ever seek help from Willem.”
“The past has been haunting me like hunger. It won’t stop until I give in to it. Everyone has their demons, but I’ve nurtured mine. I’ve fed it all my life. I’ve cared for it, loved it. It’s gotten so big that the demon itself becomes me. I can’t kill it unless I cease to exist.” Sweat escapes my pores as if the demon is about to manifest itself.
Ava reaches out, her hand connecting with mine. “Everyone is broken in some ways.” Her compassion shines through as she utters the words. “But you have an endless amount of love to give me and Quinton instead of your demon. Your past has ruined you. Don’t let it ruin us. ”
I struggle to find the strength to respond, but she ought to know where I stand. “Quinton deserves a father who can offer him love, not someone damaged by their past.” Rage blazes inside me, cursing the day it happened. But I curb my emotions. “Look at where we are, Ava. We’re in a temporary home arranged by my brother. I don’t even have a place to call my own—to offer you. The only home I’ve known is a monastery or military bases.”
“And you think that matters to me? Where we live or how many bedrooms our house has?”
She pauses, anticipating a realization from me. But I stay silent even after her eyes encourage me to say something.
Inhaling, she goes on. “Jack, Quinton, and I will come with you to Hawaii. You don’t have to choose between me and your career. I’ll be happy there because you’re there. Why don’t you believe me?”
I take a shaky breath, the gravity of my decision sinking my organs. “I believe you, Ava. But it’s not just that. I need to find closure. And if it’s through Willem, so be it. That’s why I decided to stay in Helena.”
She slumps back. “Have you forgotten what he did to Quinton?”
I lower my head as she continues, her words filled with caution. “Even if he grants your wishes, what comes after? What if you don’t find what you’re searching for? What if that time is spent behind bars?”
“I will track down my kidnapper, or I will have no peace.”
“Without me and Quinton?”
“My leave ends in two days, but I won’t return to Hawaii. I will face the consequences and resign from the Corps. I will be penniless, living like a wanderer, maybe even a madman. I can’t be the man you deserve. I am not just broken, Ava. I am not even dust in the wind. I’m a pile of shattered glass. Who knows what harm I might cause you—it could be more than just a scratch or a bruise.”
She stands up and walks away. I find her leaning against the chilly surface of the kitchen counter. Oh, how I despise myself! How could I ever bring that woman to tears?
I approach her, the floor creaking under my weight. “Ava,” I whisper. “If I could erase the path that led me to that disaster, I would. I would set fire to the fair in Syracuse so that fateful night would never happen. Or if it was destiny for me to be kidnapped, I would have hunted down those policemen who neglected their duty and abandoned me!”
The room falls silent until she whispers, “It’s too late though now, Jack. Isn’t it?”
A dull ache settles in my chest. “I could’ve denied my need to find closure. Because of you, because of Quinton. But I would’ve lied. I would’ve kept having nightmares. I need to know the man responsible for ruining me. Where I’m going next is Florida—I’m sure that’s where the basement is. Then, who knows what I’ll find? What if I have to go to Mexico? Or one of those dangerous countries where child kidnapping is rife? You may be able to support me, but we can’t drag Quinton into this.”
“Don’t use him as an excuse.”
“I’ll never use a child as an excuse. He is your guide, Ava. Whatever you do, you need to do it for him.”
“Jack, have faith in me.”
“I have faith in you, Ava,” I say, my voice softening. “And I know you’ll see why I’m doing this. I can’t let it go. I’ve tried for years. It’s still haunting me.”
She looks at me. “I’m not talking about letting go. I’m talking about letting me in.”
“Here,” I say, pointing at my heart, “is a dangerous place. And I have to protect you from it. ”
“Jack…”
I retreat slowly, tiptoeing down the hallway. The faint scent of baby powder lingers in the air as I reach the bedroom. Moonlight spills through the half-open curtains. Gently, I lean over the crib to kiss sleeping Quinton.
He stirs, his drowsy eyes fluttering open for a fleeting moment.
I quickly press my hand against my mouth, muffling the cry that threatens to escape. My body relentlessly trembles as if I were trapped inside a vigorously shaken snow globe. Through the haze of tears, the room becomes a blur, distorted and distorted.
“I’m going to take Elmo for a walk,” I use my standard excuse. It may be lame, but I desperately need it.
She ignores me. But I locate her phone and place it in her hand, giving her the same instructions.
“This is your answer?” she grumbles, clutching the phone as if about to crush it. “Why am I feeling that I’m the only one who’s fighting for us?”
“We’re not heroes, Ava.”
“No. I was clearly mistaken about us.”
“It’s impossible to fight for me.”
“Then what have I been doing all this time?” She looks at me straight, laying a challenge.
I wish she wasn’t so darn stubborn. “You think you’re fighting for me, for us, whatever. I’m sorry to be blunt, but you’re only fighting for yourself.”
Suppressing her gasp, as if unwilling to reveal her agitation, she asserts, “If you have any intention to leave me, leave me now. I’m sure Huxley will be more than happy to keep me and Quinton safe.”
I growl, but I walk away before I allow myself to speak.
With the flashlight guiding my way and Elmo’s leash in my other hand, I navigate the perimeter of the front yard. Truthfully, my lone walk with Elmo never takes me further than a few steps from the front door.
The frigid wind pierces through my body, infiltrating my bones as I deliberately abandon my jacket. I need the numbness. I need the icy chill to freeze my heart. I need to make this decision with my head.
After what feels like mere minutes, I return to Ava, who immediately wraps me in a warm blanket. Tears drip along my cheeks, watching sweetness fill her gaze. Yes, sweet — leaving me wondering why she wears such an expression. Didn’t we just discuss my intention to leave her? And that she’d be happy to have Comet guarding her and Quinton?
“I’m sorry, Jack. I said things I didn’t mean just now.”
I take her hand, which feels unbelievably warm on my skin. “I’m sorry, too. I was harsh on you.”
“I didn’t want Huxley. I want you,” she states. “But you were an ass for saying that I was only fighting for myself.”
I let out half a chuckle. “I was. I’m sorry.”
“I clearly haven’t listened to you. I mean, really listened to you. When you said you were broken, I assumed I knew what you needed. I thought I was the answer, but I hadn’t taken the time to ask what’s really in here.” She places her hand on my heart.
“You are my answer, Ava. I just got lost along the way.”
She then softly asks, “Willem’s offer. Was it why your nightmare was violent that morning?”
I close my eyes, considering the possibility. “I don’t know.”
“Since the day we met, your past has remained unchanged. Tell me, have your nightmares ever been that violent before?”
“Not when I was around someone. Or at least no one had ever told me.” And I can’t recall if they were when I was alone .
She continues, “You’re putting too much pressure on yourself because you want to shield me from your past. Let me say this gently, Jack. Quinton and I need your protection in the present. You may not get what you want, and I’m not promising to erase your nightmares. But I’ll be there to cushion the pain.”
With both head and heart, I had already made my decision before coming back just now. Nonetheless, her words strike me deeply, and my heart aches for the right reasons.
Ava holds my shoulders and declares, “I will protect you from your past, not by burying it, but by being your support. Please let me in, not Willem. Whatever he said to you, don’t heed his words. Don’t do it, Jack.”
For the first time since Willem’s attempt to poison me, I feel clarity. Love isn’t measured by the tears shed when you’re gone but by the determination of that person to keep you on the right path. This woman never gives up on me, and I will return her faith.
Unable to hold back any longer, I confess, “I’m not gonna do it.”
Ava collapses against me, the heft of our emotions overwhelming us both. It’s painful to let go of the past, but the thought of losing my future hurts even more.