Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Nathaniel splashed cold water on his face as soon as he returned to the estate. He looked at himself in the mirror, wondering what kind of monster he was turning into. He had quite forgotten himself with Charlotte, but at the moment, it had felt incredibly right.
Her question was potent.
When was the last time anyone had asked about him? When was the last time anyone had thought of his well-being?
As the eldest son, he had been thrust into a position of responsibility from a young age.
His father expected him to learn from experience, and so his childhood had been atypical.
Perhaps that was one reason why he had been bothered by Clara at first. Mary allowed her to be a child, and he was envious of it.
It wasn’t as though he was purely blaming other people, either. He did not look after his own well-being. He didn’t protect himself. All of his individual aspirations and hopes were subsumed beneath those of the title he possessed. Every thought he had was about the good of his family.
Duty and honor weighed heavily on his shoulders.
And he had just risked it all for Charlotte.
For a kiss.
Nathaniel leaned forward and clamped his eyes shut. There was a gnawing ache in his head and a pain in his chest.
Everything was falling apart.
He needed to hold it together.
He needed to be strong.
He opened his eyes and inhaled deeply.
“You are the Duke of Winthrop. Act like it,” he muttered. The voice of his father reverberated through his own words, and the steely glare that stared back at him was akin to the one his father had directed at him.
He needed to be better than this.
The night of the ball arrived. Nathaniel dressed in his finest tunic. His boots were polished. Not a hair was out of place. Lively sounds bubbled through the estate as the guests arrived. Nathaniel nodded to everyone he passed, graciously welcoming them.
His furtive gaze flitted across the main hall where most people were gathered. Everyone blended into a sea of faces. He was searching for one, despite his reservations about being around her. At least nothing improper would happen here.
Not with so many people around.
There were moments when he caught a glimpse of someone who had the same shade of hair as Charlotte. His heart quickened, but when they turned, he was filled with disappointment. The twitching smile fell from his face.
One more conversation. That was all he wanted. A few more words to put everything to rest.
Yet she seemed invisible.
“Your Grace, I took the liberty of bringing you a drink,” Honoria said, appearing as if from nowhere.
Nathaniel masked his startled reaction and inclined his head, taking the drink.
“You look beautiful tonight, My Lady,” Nathaniel said quietly. Honoria wore an elegant dress that shimmered under the light. The ribbon she purchased was tied around her waist. Now that he saw it being worn, he did have to admit that it was rather plain.
“Thank you, Your Grace. You are looking handsome yourself. Everyone seems in good spirits. You host a wonderful ball,” she said, and again it struck him that every word was rehearsed. She said exactly what she was expected to say.
There was no unpredictability at all. She wasn’t like Charlotte, who could astound him with unexpected questions. But Honoria would be his wife.
He needed to make the best of it.
“You have outdone everyone here in beauty and grace, My Lady.”
“You are too kind, Your Grace. I seek only to please you. I hope that I reflect your glory well.”
“Indeed… do you mind if I ask you something unorthodox?”
“You may ask me what you wish.”
“Is there anything personal to which you aspire, anything outside of marriage?”
“Not at all.” There was a slight moment of hesitation, and Nathaniel detected a hint of insincerity in her voice. “There is nothing I want more than to be a wife. If you are worried that I should be like Lady Charlotte, I can assure you that is not the case.”
“Lady Charlotte?” he asked, hoping that the way his voice caught in his throat wasn’t noticeable.
“I don’t mean to speak ill of anyone, but I only wish to illustrate the differences between us.
I have become aware of a certain movement among some of my peers.
They value individual expression more than traditional values.
I assure you that I will strive to uphold these traditions and bring pride to you and your family name.
There has never been a hint of scandal surrounding me, nor shall there be. ”
“That is gratifying to hear, although I was unaware that a scandal had been whispered in the same breath as Lady Charlotte’s name.” A look of concern came over his face, fearing that if anyone had gotten wind of the scandal, his name might well follow hers.
“I was merely speaking in general terms, Your Grace.”
“Of course.”
“Her Grace impressed upon me the importance of propriety. I assure you that I shall be everything you require in a duchess and a wife.”
It wasn’t the first time she had said something along these lines, and it made Nathaniel wonder if there was a purpose to it, as though she was trying to convince him through repetition.
Still, he couldn’t very well argue the point even if he did find his heart sinking that there would be no spirited debates or contests of wit and skill.
However, Honoria’s words did serve as a timely reminder about what was expected of him. He could not shirk his duty at this juncture in life. Honoria may not have stirred the same passions as Charlotte, but she was a better match.
“Would you care to dance with me, My Lady?”
Honoria accepted with a slight inclination of her head. Nathaniel took her hand and raised it high, moving through the crowd. Excited murmurs followed, as it was always a grand occasion when the host took to the dance floor. The musicians noticed and struck up a jaunty tune.
Nathaniel bowed. Honoria curtsied. They began dancing, and soon enough, other people joined them. Honoria was perfect once again. Even the expression on her face was measured. She displayed no signs of strain or exertion. It was as though she had danced this exact dance countless times before.
Nathaniel moved through the routine, having practiced all the movements many times during his upbringing. But even so, his attention kept flitting like a wayward bird, always searching for Charlotte. The more he tried to stop himself, the more he failed in the attempt.
And then he did see her. His heart froze. She was speaking to a man, a handsome man. She threw her head back and laughed. Her hair shone. Her face was radiant with delight. Then, the man led her to the dance floor.
A dark feeling surged in Nathaniel’s heart.
Who was this man?
What were his intentions toward Charlotte?
Why did it matter to him at all?
The sight was enough to freeze his feet. Honoria looked at him, puzzled.
“Is there something wrong, Your Grace?”
“An old injury is playing up. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I’m going to have to retire from dancing for the evening. If you wish to continue, I’m sure you can find another partner.”
“My place is by your side, Your Grace,” Honoria replied.
She dutifully followed Nathaniel to the side of the room where they collected fresh drinks. Nathaniel angled his head, peering across the room to watch Charlotte’s auburn hair and slender body dancing.
“Forgive me, but you seem distracted tonight,” Honoria observed.
“I’m just trying to make sure that everyone is having a good time. That is the host’s duty after all.”
“Her Grace appears to be making sure of that, and it seems as though everyone is in good spirits,” Honoria pointed out, gesturing to Beatrice. She was floating among the guests, utterly in her element. Nathaniel afforded a smile.
“I fear I do not host as many events as my mother would like. She does enjoy such occasions. As do you.”
“Indeed, but we shall only entertain guests when you see fit, Your Grace, assuming that we shall be married.”
There was a testing glint in her eyes. Nathaniel was startled by her statement. He would indeed need to propose. Such a thing could not simply be presumed. Was she hoping that he would ask the question tonight?
He couldn’t.
Not yet.
He wasn’t ready. He still needed to speak to Charlotte.
But Honoria was standing before him. The future was standing before him, and all he needed to do was take it in his arms. Never before had Nathaniel hesitated this much. He prided himself on his decisiveness, but now, all his resolve slipped away from him.
“I see no reason why that should not be the case. We are well matched after all.”
“My parents shall be delighted,” Honoria replied. There was no trace of happiness on her face, however. She didn’t even smile. She was a most curious woman, he thought. Perhaps her diffidence was due to his being cold.
He remained with her out of a sense of obligation, having lost sight of Charlotte.
Others gathered around them, and they enjoyed brief conversations.
Honoria remained quiet. She seemed happy to blend into the background, almost to the point where she was forgotten.
All Nathaniel could think was that Charlotte would offer her opinions freely.
She could never fade.
He glanced toward Honoria. She was perfectly lovely, but it was not fair to be with her when he was thinking of another.
“Forgive me, My Lady, but I must go and speak to my mother about an urgent matter. Shall we reconvene later tonight?” he asked.
“Very well. Farewell, Your Grace,” Honoria replied, offering a gentle curtsey. There wasn’t a hint of disappointment on her face. In fact, Nathaniel thought he detected a hint of relief, but he did not linger long enough to find out.
Someone else was calling, and he required the wisdom of his family to help him decide what to do next.