Chapter 18 #2
And Lance had a feeling he had a goodbye of his own coming soon.
As fun as Kaci had been, he was deploying soon. He had to put his job first.
Period.
Maybe not tonight—he wasn’t cruel—but soon, he had to leave.
Kaci pulled her Jeep to a stop in front of Lance’s house shortly after nine. She tightened her sloppy ponytail, wiped her face with a spare makeup removal cloth she found in her purse, and refused to look at the towel in the passenger seat.
Wood smoke drifted through the crisp night. She wrapped her knit cardigan tighter around herself. When no one answered her knock at the door, she followed the campfire smell into the backyard.
She hadn’t been back here yet, but she wasn’t surprised to find a big lawn and an inground pool. The yard fit both the neighborhood and what she would’ve expected Lance to want to give his former fiancée.
He was stretched out on a sleeping bag next to a dwindling fire pit. When the privacy fence gate clinked shut behind her, he sat up.
She couldn’t read his expression in the dark. He lifted his arm, an open invitation for a hug. The empty hole in her chest pulsed.
“The vet has her body.” She curled up next to him and swiped at her eyes. “Said I can pick up her ashes on Thursday.”
He wrapped her tight, warm and solid and dependable, and pressed a lingering kiss to her hair. His capable hands stroked her back, and she had to fight against another wave of tears.
She wouldn’t even let her momma know she’d cried for Miss Higgs, but she trusted Lance.
She’d trust Lance with her life.
She had, in fact. “Can I ask a huge favor?” she whispered.
“Of course.”
“I mean really huge. Like I-don’t-have-the-right-to-ask, bigger-than-anything-I’ve-ever-asked-another-human-soul-before, even-bigger-than-the-bows-my-momma-put-on-my-pageant-dresses huge.”
“If I say yes, do I get to see pictures of those pageant dresses?”
If she wasn’t so terrified he’d say no, she might appreciate the teasing. As it was, the very act of gathering enough courage to ask, of opening up to him even more tonight, was suffocating her. “Will you go to Germany with me?”
His surprised jerk away didn’t surprise her.
But it didn’t give her any confidence he’d say yes either.
“I’ll pay for your ticket, and I’ll buy your meals and everything,” she rushed on.
“I know it’s asking a lot, for you to take a week of leave to go to Germany, but I can’t—I don’t—I can’t get on that plane.
I can’t. Except I think I can if you’re with me.
I trust you. I know you can get me there. And I need to go. I have to go.”
“Kaci—”
No. No, that was the I’m going to say no voice.
“I’m not asking for forever.” Her voice caught, and she hated herself for it.
Because forever with Lance—no, she couldn’t go there tonight too.
“I’m just asking for this one little thing.
Which I know is a big thing. Because I—I need you.
I don’t need anybody, but I need you. I need you to come with me. ”
He raked a hand over his hair and blew out a breath. “You don’t need me to go.”
She did.
Hypnosis wouldn’t get her on that plane.
Antianxiety meds wouldn’t get her on that plane.
But Lance—the idea of him sitting beside her, holding her hand, promising she’d be okay—he was what she needed to fly.
“I do. I need you. I can’t get on that plane if you’re not there with me.
You—you fix things. You fix me. Nobody else. Just you.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Kaci, I’m deploying in five days.”
Her whole world crystallized into a fragile sphere dangling at the edge of a cliff. “You’re leaving.”
“You can do this, Kace. You can get on that plane, and you’re going to be fine.”
Rocks broke off the cliff and tumbled into the abyss, and her world teetered with them. Her chest squeezed so hard she couldn’t breathe. Her stomach was screwed tight. Her eyes burned. “You’re leaving,” she said again.
“It’s my job—”
“You knew.” She pulled back and hugged herself. “You knew you were leaving this whole time.”
Even in the dark, she could see him shifting into careful with the wounded animal mode.
That was what she was.
A wounded, broken animal. Fighting for survival.
“Never know exact dates until a week or two out, but the rotation’s pretty regular,” he said quietly.
He’d known.
And he hadn’t told her.
Was he ever going to tell her? Or had he simply been planning on leaving?
Because they weren’t supposed to be here. They weren’t serious. They weren’t committed. They weren’t even dating.
But she loved him anyway.
He was everything she didn’t want—a military man, a pilot, emotionally unavailable after being jilted—but he was also everything she needed.
He believed in her.
He challenged her.
He accepted her.
But his job still came first. As it always would. She’d been something to do between his breakup and his deployment.
He didn’t love her.
And why should he?
She should be all cried out, but she stifled a sob as she scrambled to her feet.
“Kaci—”
“Be safe over there,” she choked out.
He was right on her heels. “Let me drive you home.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not.”
She jerked her arm out of his grasp. “I. Am. Fine. Go on. Go back to your campfire. Go on your deployment. Go have fun with your buddies. Thank you for everything, Captain Wheeler, but it’s apparently time for both of us to move on. We both got what we wanted, and that’s that.”
He let her go.
And that might have been what hurt most of all.
If Kaci’s momma could see her, there would be cucumber slices and Preparation H for her eyes, an emergency hot oil treatment for her hair, and a lecture about not letting anyone see you cry.
But her momma wasn’t here, and Tara had baked brownies, and Kaci was just done.
She slammed a box of tissues on the counter beside the fresh brownies and dug into the whole pan with a fork.
“You know what we need?” she said around a mouthful of chocolate therapy. “We need a club. You and me. An Officers’ Ex-Wives Club.”
Tara handed over a glass of milk. “Can we make flyers and T-shirts?”
“Knock yourself out, sugar.”
But Kaci wasn’t recruiting. She didn’t want new friends.
Because they’d leave one day too.
And she didn’t know how she’d survive.
“Can we make a divorce survival kit too?” Tara said.
“That the same as a heartbreak survival kit?” Kaci used a tissue, then attacked the brownies again.
It wasn’t helping.
“Aw, honey.” Tara pulled her in for a hug. “Want me to go toilet paper his house?”
She shook her head against Tara’s shoulder.
“I can turn him into an impotent evil stepfather in my redneck fairy tales, but honestly, I kinda don’t think they’ll sell well enough to really get any satisfaction out of smearing his name. I really need to get a better day job.”
“He can’t go to Germany with me,” Kaci whispered.
“Would it help if I come?”
“Can you land an airplane if the pilots die and the engines fall off?”
“No, but I’m good with chocolate, Xanax, and buying overpriced airport water bottles. I’ll even let you read one of the fairy tales I’m working on. You might want the plane to go down to save you before it’s over.”
“Hush your tongue.” Kaci shivered.
Tara squeezed harder. “You have important things to do in your lifetime, Kaci. The world needs you. This conference in Germany is just the start. When you’re ninety-eight years old, the world will be a better place because of what you’ve done and because of what you’ve taught your students to do.
God won’t let you die on that plane or any other plane. Understand?”
She didn’t, but she nodded into Tara’s shoulder again anyway.
She had to get on that plane.
With or without Lance.
Tara was right. She had to go to Germany.
For herself. For her profession. For the world.
But professional accolades, job satisfaction, and her pride all felt hollow tonight.
Because for the first time since she’d switched majors at eighteen years old, there was something she cared about more than she cared about physics.
And he didn’t care back.