15 - Dominic
“H ow has Penelope been behaving toward you these days?” Vera asked casually.
I took a deep breath as I thought about my answer.
“She’s been perfectly nice and agreeable like she is with everyone. She doesn’t have it in her to be unkind. It’s why I... why it’s so annoying,” I frowned.
Vera smirked, not fooled by my diversion, but let it go to ask, “What is annoying?”
“It feels like that is all she’s willing to give me, all we’ll ever be. Great parents, wolves who get along nicely, perfectly kind and fine and interesting company in the evenings, but there is no more yearning in her eyes and no more warmth. I don’t even know what she’s feeling,” I finished lamely.
Both Vera and I knew I only had myself to blame, and we’d discussed that ad nauseam already.
“Have you had time to sort through your feelings about your Luna’s new attitude towards you?”
“I got nothing but time to sort through them, Doc. Every night alone in my bed, that’s all I do.”
“What are some of the most prominent ones?”
“Sadness and remorse, definitely. A lot of shame. But lately, I’ve been feeling proud of her, as weird as it sounds.”
“Why exactly?”
“Knowing what I know now, after talking to you about her family dynamics, her father’s treatment of her, how she sees herself and her worth, I’m proud she managed to stand up to me, to find her own path.”
“Those are admirable accomplishments, I must agree.”
“I just wish she’d read the letters already.”
“Be careful, Alpha. First of all, don’t push her during this time – postpartum is the most sensitive time in a female’s life. Let her do things at her own pace. Right now, she’s completely focused on Gabriel, which is how it should be since he’s only 6 weeks old. But another thing you need to be careful about is the notion that all will be forgiven once she reads the letters.”
“She’ll at least know that I had good reason for acting the way I did.”
“Reason or not, you still hurt her. If you hit someone accidentally with your car, repeatedly telling them that you didn’t mean to do it wouldn’t make it hurt less. And, if we’re being honest, you did mean to do it, you wanted to push her away.”
I started squeezing my eyes shut while the damn female continued berating me like she was my mother. I’d been given the impression that therapists were supposed to let you come to your own conclusions.
“I’ve noticed you always do that,” she said, and I opened my eyes to look at her askance. “You squeeze your eyes shut and clench your fists whenever a bad memory comes up, like you’re trying to ward them off.”
I hadn’t noticed, but she wasn’t wrong.
“Have you ever tried letting the memories come, letting them wash over you?”
I looked away from her and focused on a spot on the carpet.
“I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“I want you to tell me.”
I unclenched my jaw experimentally to see whether it was still functional after the abuse I put it through.
“They hurt, the memories. And the pain makes me feel weak. I’m an Alpha, I’m supposed to be stronger than everyone else in the pack.”
“And you are, physically. I’d argue even emotionally, based on everything you’ve gone through and made it through quite sane. But you expect perfection of yourself, absolute untouchable strength. You must know that’s unrealistic?”
I didn’t.
“Dominic, you need to sit with the pain. You need to let yourself acknowledge and honor that pup whose Alpha and father had just died and whose mother was half mad with grief and unable to feed herself, let alone him,” she said softly, and I didn’t close my eyes this time, but I didn’t look at her either.
“Shut up,” I managed to say around my now extended canines, but Vera seemed unperturbed.
“Until you acknowledge and comfort that pup, you’ll always revert to his scared self when you’re faced with an emotional crisis.”
“You know,” I cleared my throat, getting my canines under control, “after Penelope gave birth, she was extremely grossed out after touching her soft belly the first time. She avoided touching it for days. I guess this is the part of me that I avoid touching. But I see your point.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that. Now, how have you been feeling this past week?”
I stretched my legs and exhaled. “Relaxed.”
“In what sense?”
“I’m not keeping myself on a leash anymore. I’m not tightly wound inside myself from sunrise til sunset.”
“Ah. I remember you telling me about letting your feelings run free after Penelope had gone to sleep. Why do you think you did that?”
“I sometimes believed if I didn’t let myself relax, love her, or believe in her, I could prevent bad things from happening.”
“Are you over that belief now?”
I scoffed, “Definitely. Look where it got me.”
She hummed.
“What changed? Why now?”
“I’ve been thinking about that when I was in Spruce Mountain. I changed, I guess. I trust Penelope. I love her. I want to have a deeper relationship with her even if it inevitably ends in the death of one of us.”
“Why?”
“Being without her is worse than all of the other things I was scared of.”
Vera’s smile was bright and gentle and coaxed out one of my own.
“But now she doesn’t trust you .”
And my smile was gone, just like that.
“I know.”
“What are you doing to remedy that?”
I looked at the ceiling in exasperation. “Honestly, not much. She doesn’t leave me a lot of room to be more involved in her life, and she doesn’t even do it in a mean way. She just lives her life without me in it, like she’s used to doing. Thank God for Gabriel, otherwise I wouldn’t even have an excuse to come to her room so much.”
“What have you done so far?”
“I’ve been present and involved in our home life, I’ve been trying to unburden her as much as I can with regards to our pup, and I have taken steps to remedy my past behavior, such as unblocking my feelings and starting to build a new house for us,” I recited.
Being in therapy was like going to school sometimes.
Vera nodded as she made notes.
“What do you think the biggest obstacle you have to overcome is?”
“Winning her trust back, emotionally. I don’t think she’ll be vulnerable or open with me again that easily.”
“In a way, you’re perfect for the job because you know what it’s like to insulate yourself against hurt.”
“I do. A big part of what helped me trust her was time and consistency. She showed me, time and again, how good and right for me she was. And I plan on doing the same. It’s not easy being patient, but I had the best example in her.”
“That’s all you can do for now. Are you excited for the party tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I grinned. “My wolf is also looking forward to introducing his heir to his pack. And planning the party gave us a lot of time with Penelope.”
“Was she surprised that you were so involved?”
“Unfortunately, yes. I can’t blame her, I never organized any other event with her before.”
Vera frowned. “What about your mating ceremony?”
My mouth tasted absolutely foul.
“I just let her pack organize it, I didn’t want a big thing.”
“What about Penelope’s wishes?”
“I asked her, and she said she was fine with having a small ceremony.”
“I sense a “but” coming?”
I ran a hand through my hair. I needed a haircut.
“I didn’t know then that she was agreeing to everything and saying the right things just to placate me, and I honestly didn’t want to see it. I'm sure you remember how over-the-top my first mating ceremony was, and don’t get me started on Cassie and her mother during the whole planning process. I just didn’t want that hassle, and, as always, Penelope paid for it. I’m such a piece of shit,” I concluded.
The burning feeling in my stomach was a constant companion now. Dr. Ariadne assured me there was nothing wrong with me. Vera stayed quiet.
“Doc?”
“Sorry, I was reminded of someone.”
“Another piece of shit?” I joked, and she smiled.
“Quite the opposite. Someone very determined never to make their mate feel second-best.”
“I wish I’d been that smart.”
“You’re smart now,” she winked and didn’t even care that she’d insulted her Alpha. My pack was seriously testing the limits of what was acceptable.
◆◆◆
“Old Mrs. Hayworth asked me for my Nana’s beef stew recipe,” Penelope informed me as she was trying to shove one of the presents from the party into the trashcan.
The box was too big to fit so she was using her foot to really get it in there.
“What are you doing?”
“This box got trampled by someone, and the present got ruined.”
“Maybe it can be fixed, let me see.”
“No, it’s ruined, I checked. So, Mrs. Hayworth.”
“Yeah?” there was no logic to this line of questioning. “I told her your stew was amazing.”
“Yeah, she informed me how you raved about it for 10 minutes. I made that stew once, a year ago.”
“I know.”
“You never said you loved it that much back then.”
“I never said many things back then.”
She finished murdering the present and looked at me with suspicion in her eyes.
“And all your mother’s friends couldn’t stop talking about what a great mother I was, according to you.”
I shrugged.
“You are. You’re not even grossed out by the used diaper pail.”
“I didn’t know that was all it took,” she said seriously but her eyes were smiling.
“It’s the first thing that came to mind since I had the pleasure of taking it out to the porch for pickup this morning.”
One of the females from our pack ran a diaper laundering service, and we were gifted a yearly subscription to her services by Aiden and Mira. It was the best thing ever and, according to Mira, would be even more useful once Gabriel started eating solid foods.
Penelope shook her head. “I’ll go unpack the rest of the presents.”
“Did you enjoy the party?” Please don’t go yet.
“I did,” she smiled brightly. “And Gabriel didn’t even fuss when everyone kept touching him and passing him around.”
“He knows they’re his pack,” I puffed up my chest proudly and Penelope gave me a smile that clearly showed she was humoring me by nodding.
“Let’s take him to the lake tomorrow.”
She frowned, and I could tell she was looking for an excuse to say no. But my mom had finally done me a favor and had arranged to have lunch with Penelope tomorrow, only to cancel at the party.
“Why the lake?” she was buying time.
“It is so hot these days. There’s a lot of shade there, and the water makes it cooler. Gabriel would enjoy it, I think.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll pack the picnic, you just have his stuff ready in the morning, okay?”
“Okay,” she agreed reluctantly, and I had to stop myself from kissing her frown. Progress!
◆◆◆
Penelope sighed contentedly as she lay on the blanket with Gabriel. Her eyes were closed, and her gorgeous hair was fanned out around her. Gabriel even had some in his chubby little fist. I leaned over to offer him my finger instead.
“Do you hear all the bees, Gabriel, they are busily buzzing around from flower to flower, collecting pollen to make honey. Your dad loves honey very much,” I told him as I looked at Penelope’s full mouth.
Her eyes were still closed, and I could let mine roam over her body freely.
“Have you no shame?” she asked, only half-serious.
I’d forgotten again.
“Not when it comes to you, I don’t.”
She just huffed but I could see a small smile play on her lips, “It’s beautiful here.”
I took one of the glass containers from the cooler and opened it.
“You think Gabriel could stand to be in the car seat for two and a half hours?” I asked, which caused her to open her eyes and sit up to look at me.
I handed her the container with the peach slices. Would she remember the same thing I did?
“Maybe, if we time it right. Why?” she asked as she bit into the peach.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the sight. I leaned over and took a slice for myself.
“We never used the weekend in Gloucester I gave you for Christmas. I was thinking we could go with Gabriel next week. It’s cooler by the sea,” I added to sway her decision.
“Will they let us change the reservation?” she asked, and when I stared at her blankly, she clarified, “We’ll need a crib for Gabriel and probably an extra bed,” she said, and my heart dropped.
“Of course,” I said and cleared my throat. “Should be no problem.”
“I’m sorry, Dominic, but you do understand, don’t you?”
“I do.”
“I feel like I went into this blind, and now I feel blindsided again.”
“In what way?”
She exhaled and leaned back on her palms.
“I don’t know, Dominic, why are you doing this now? Why all these changes? Last week, with the pack members, and then with the architect and the construction company male, now with the picnic... I never know what you’ll do next and why, and it’s unsettling,” she finished as she gazed out onto the lake.
“I was just talking to Vera about this the other day. Ever since Dad died... it felt like the hits just kept coming. And then everything with Cassandra happened and I just didn’t feel like I’d be able to take another hit. The only thing that held me together was detaching myself completely. But then you came along, my sweet peach,” I reached out and touched her hand briefly, “and I just wouldn’t let myself believe your love and your goodness. I kept waiting for it all to fall apart, to be taken from me.”
I had to look away from her during this part because the shame was too much.
“But the joke was on me because I broke your heart and ruined it all for myself, and it ended up hurting anyway because I’d been expecting it to. A self-fulfilling prophecy, Vera called it. So, I’m done with that. You are the most important wolf in my life, and I want you to have everything you want and need. I want you to be happy. And selfishly, I believe I can be a big part of that.”
Penelope was silent for a while, and when she lifted her eyes to look at me, they were shining with unshed tears.
“While you were busy figuring out whether to let yourself be open to your mate or not, I had no idea what you were going through. I’m sorry that happened to you, but you must understand that, to me, you were who I had dreamed of for years, but you treated me like you were disappointed in me, like you didn’t deem me good enough or important enough. You didn’t make me a priority in your life,” she closed her eyes, and some of the tears spilled out.
I wanted to kiss them away but held myself back.
“You say these things now, Dominic, but your behavior over the last year has said many things as well. So excuse me for not falling at your feet the first time you showed me any appreciation or affection,” she said bitterly, and I couldn’t blame her.
Vera had been right. I shouldn’t have pushed.
“I don’t expect you to do that, Penelope,” I said in a weak voice, and Gabriel started crying, probably sensing how upset his mom was now, thanks to me.
She took him in her arms and offered him her breast, and they both relaxed when he latched.
“I’m sorry for upsetting you. Let’s not stop talking about this, but let’s do it in small doses, what do you think?”
She wiped her face with the back of her hand and nodded.
“Do you want a cup of tea?”
Her habit was back in full force after Gabriel's birth.
“You know I do,” she said with a small smile, and I reached for the thermos.
We’d be going to Gloucester in a week. Time would heal all. I had to believe that. I had to.