Chapter 26
“Icame to see the Duke of Coldmere, but it appears he has been replaced by some wild man.” Frederick shook his head and gestured toward Alaric. “Is there anyone beneath all that hair?”
Alaric ran his hand along the thick beard covering his face and neck. He had not shaved since Catherine left. Honestly, every time he tried, he remembered the day she arrived at the castle, and he could not bear it.
Not that it takes a lot to make me think of her.
Everywhere he went, her perfume seemed to linger. He found himself walking toward the nursery, expecting to happen upon Oliver, Catherine, and Daisy.
The silence that had fallen over the castle reminded him of a mausoleum. The kind of heavy silence that lingered, making one’s teeth grind. He focused on Frederick.
“Was there a reason for your visit, or did you simply wish to mock me?”
“There is the Deverell I know and love.” Frederick clapped a hand on his shoulder, the grin slipping from his face somewhat. “It is about Marina.”
Alaric straightened, his heart speeding up as he leaned toward Frederick. “Have you found her?”
Frederick shook his head. “Not yet. But we are getting close, I know we are.”
“You said that the last time, Hale. And yet here we are with nothing to show for it.” Alaric slumped into an armchair and poured himself a glass of whiskey. “Forgive me, but I refuse to let false hope get the better of me. Not when the woman has managed to elude us for so long.”
“I know. But it really is different this time. We nearly had her—we found the cottage she was living at, it is in a tiny village on the outskirts of the Cotswolds. And someone had been there recently.” Frederick sat in the chair opposite Alaric, his face alight with excitement.
“How recently?” Alaric took a swig of his whiskey.
“A few days, maybe less. I have had my man stay in the village; with any luck, he will scoop her up the moment she walks through the door.”
“Assuming she does,” Alaric pointed out. “There is every chance that she will not return there. She may well have been gathering her things before moving on to another location.”
“It is a pity that when your memories returned, your optimism did not.”
“I find pragmatism rather more useful than optimism. Practicality, not hope, will sort out this mess. Once we find the woman, this will all be over, and everything can go back to normal.”
“You do not sound particularly pleased about that.”
“Why should I be? The return to the status quo is simply a return to what should be.” Alaric went to drink his whiskey and realized that the glass was empty. “Why celebrate such a thing?”
“Is your wife’s return not something worth celebrating?” Frederick’s words sent a thrill through Alaric, but he squashed down the hopeful voice before it could speak.
“There will be no return.” Alaric downed his whiskey and poured himself another.
“You know, it is rude not to offer your guest a drink.”
“I know you well enough to know that you are perfectly content to help yourself.” Alaric shrugged. “Besides, I am hoping that you will take the hint and leave. I am not in the mood for company.”
“Clearly.” Frederick reached across Alaric and grabbed the whiskey from him, pouring himself a glass. “Unfortunately for you, the subtleties of hinting frequently escape my notice.”
“You mean you ignore them,” Alaric retorted.
“Yes.” Frederick downed his own glass. “Now tell me, Deverell, why are you so convinced your wife will not come back? Once Marina is found, she will be safe. In truth, I still do not understand why she left in the first place.”
“Because it is dangerous for her to be here.” Alaric rolled out his shoulders, his mind going back to the last conversation he had had with Catherine.
‘There is no reason to change it.’ That was what he had said. He thought he had seen her recoil, but he could not remember if he truly had. He had replayed the moment so many times in his head, each time, that weak, selfish part of him screamed at him to ask her to stay.
‘Clearly.’ The coldness in her voice— or perhaps it was the catch, he could not be sure— either way, it reminded him of a twig snapping beneath a boot. He had broken something, he knew it.
Better for it to break than her.
“But you are here, and I can think of few people better suited to protect her. Just look at you.” Frederick’s voice pulled him back to the present.
“I could not even protect myself; what hope could I have of protecting her?” He waved his hand through the air, his eyes darkening. “She will be better off without me in her life.”
“Is that what she said?” Frederick frowned.
“She did not need to. It is a simple fact. I am my father’s son, I share his blood, his weakness.” Alaric’s lip curled.
“You are nothing like him.” Frederick shook his head.
“You are loyal, Hale, but you are wrong. I let myself succumb to my baser instincts. I let myself want her, and it made me weak, made me blind. I became obsessed with her to the detriment of everything else.”
“Deverell, you let her get close to you. That is the opposite of weakness.” Frederick let out a long, low breath. “Do not throw this away because of your fear of a dead man.”
“I am not afraid of him. I am afraid of becoming him.”
“Then do not.”
“It is not that simple.”
“It is.”
Alaric clenched and unclenched his fist. He could hear Catherine’s laughter echoing around him and almost smell her familiar lavender perfume. It made everything in him ache, and he shook his head.
“If it were, do you not think I would do it? I thought perhaps I could be different, but I was wrong. I let myself indulge to the point of idiocy.” Alaric gritted his teeth and stood, unable to keep from pacing.
“She could have been killed. What if Marina had done something to her? What if she had hurt her? How could I have lived with myself knowing that I was too lost in my own pleasures, in my own desires to keep her safe?”
“And do you think it was only you who was lost in her? You do not think she too lost herself in you?” Frederick was on his feet too.
“She was the one who suspected Marina in the first place. I was the fool who only thought her competent. If it had not been for me, she would no doubt have sacked the woman.” Alaric ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
“She should hate me, want me as far away as possible, but despite my failings, she tried to protect me. She was the one who thought of creating false trails.”
“It sounds like you need her.” Frederick shrugged.
“That does not mean she needs me. It does not give me license to be so selfish.” Alaric dug his nails into the palms of his hands.
He thought of how badly he had yearned for her, how his whole body ached for her. Weakness.
“And what is selfish about wanting to share your life with another?” Frederick gestured around them. “It is not like you are offering her the life of a pauper. And when you are not being an ox-brained fool, you are pleasant enough to be around.”
Alaric rolled his eyes. “Just look around you, Hale. What woman would want to be a part of this chaos? What woman would choose this over a life of security and comfort? Who wants to be with a man whose father was so lecherous he probably has half a dozen siblings in this county alone?”
“Did you ask her?” Frederick stepped toward him.
“What?” Alaric frowned.
“Did you ask her what she wanted?” The words lingered between them, and Alaric felt guilt settle in his chest.
“I did not need to. No one in their right mind would choose to be in this madness. My father notwithstanding, there is a madwoman trying to kill me, and with my luck, there might be more waiting in the wings.” He swallowed, looked away, finished his drink, and tried to make the smell of lavender fade from his mind. “She deserves better than that.”
“Maybe she does, maybe she does not. It is not about what one deserves, but what she wants.” Frederick cricked his neck and winced.
“Did you listen to a word I just said, Hale? She would have to be a lunatic to want this.” Alaric gaped at him.
Of course he does not understand, how could he?
He loved Frederick dearly, but they were not the same. Frederick had always been cavalier with his heart; he had not understood the danger that such actions could pose.
His father is not like mine.
“All families have their own skeletons.” Frederick sniffed dismissively. “Yes, yours might be a little more dramatic than most, but you are hardly a monster.”
“She could have died!” Alaric’s voice broke.
“So could any of us. Life is dangerous, Deverell.” Frederick shrugged.
“You think I do not know that? Of course I do. But that does not mean we should court it at every opportunity.” Alaric growled. “Besides, this was always the plan. She would have her life, and I would have mine.”
“Plans change. Especially when they are stupid.” Frederick perched on the edge of the armchair, his arms folded over his chest, one eyebrow arched.
“This is not. It is just common sense.” Alaric began to pace again.
“Oh yes, perfect sense. Silly me, it is the most rational thing in the world to make yourself so miserable that you spend your days drinking whiskey and not shaving or bathing or even eating.” Sarcasm dripped from Frederick’s every word.
Alaric dug his nails even deeper into the soft flesh of his palm, the pain grounding him as he tried not to grind his teeth to dust. “I am trying to protect her.”
“I think you are afraid.” Frederick tilted his chin up toward him, and Alaric snapped, rounding on him with all the force of a tiger, grabbing him by the shirt as he roared.
“Of course, I am afraid. I am terrified. The thought of losing her makes my blood turn to ice. The thought of a world without her feels like a world without sunlight. It is like losing the air, the sky, the stars.”
“Then why the hell did you let her go? Why did you chase her from your side?” Frederick poked a finger hard into Alaric’s chest.
“Because I cannot think when she is near. She undoes me. And that is dangerous. Without order, there is chaos, and when there is chaos, people get hurt.” He swallowed, a lump forming in his throat as he put Frederick back on the ground.
“I lose control just thinking of her, let alone when she is near. She is better off without me. I cannot be trusted, not with her.”
There were several beats of silence while Frederick adjusted his rumpled shirt.
Shame washed over Alaric in waves, but before he could apologize, Frederick spoke, his voice soft.
“Deverell, your father was an unkind, cruel, and dastardly man. He thought he knew better than everyone else around him, and did not care what anyone else thought.”
“Leave me alone, Hale,” Alaric croaked.
“No, not until you hear what I am saying. Not until you are honest with me, with yourself, and with her.” Frederick looked him in the eye. “What do you want, Alaric? Tell me the truth.”
Alaric hesitated. “I want her, but– ”
“No ‘buts’ Deverell. You want her. And she deserves to know that. How can you expect her to make a choice if she does not have all the information?” Frederick interrupted.
“I do not want her to feel beholden to me. To simply come with me because I… Because I…” He could not make himself say the words, not here, not like this, but he knew that he wanted to.
I love her.
The thought seared through him like a lightning bolt. He loved her. He wanted her, not because he was an animal or out of obligation, but because she was the person his heart longed for.
“Do you trust her?”
“With my life.”
“Then trust her to say ‘no’.” Frederick clapped a hand on his shoulder. “If you do not ask her, then you will be just like your father. That is not who you are. You are a better, braver man than that. So give your wife the choice.”
Alaric swallowed. “Thank you, Hale.”
“That is what friends are for. We tell each other when we are being idiots, and you, Deverell—” Frederick’s words were cut off as Alaric finished his sentence for him.
“I have been the high king of all idiots?” Alaric laughed and shook his head.
“Yes.” Frederick joined the laughter. “Now, what are you going to do?”
“I am going to tell my wife the truth. And I am going to beg for her forgiveness, and pray that I am not too late. I am going to give her the choice I was too afraid to offer, and the choice that should always have been hers.”
“Excellent.” Frederick embraced him. “Though I suggest you shave before you go. I suspect you might give her a fright in your current state.”
“I can shave at the inn.” Alaric ran a hand through his hair. “It will take me two days to get to London, and I have wasted enough time already.”
“Go get her then.” Frederick smiled.
Alaric was already running from the room, calling for his valet.
I am coming, Catherine.
He only hoped he was not too late.