Chapter 25
“You really need to stop lying to me, Kitty,” Harriet sighed as she set down her teacup.
It had been a week since Catherine had returned to her London house with Oliver. Harriet, Fiona, and Louisa had called in on her, and Fiona and Louisa had taken Oliver and Daisy to Hyde Park with some of Fiona’s brothers for protection.
Now Catherine sipped from her own tea, barely registering the fact that it had gone cold several minutes ago. She felt hollowed out, like little more than a shell of herself, but she forced herself to meet Harriet’s gaze.
“I am not lying. I am perfectly fine.” Catherine took a bite of a biscuit and tried to smile; Harriet’s frown only deepened.
“Your tea must be stone cold by now, you have dark circles under your eyes, and they are rimmed with red. With all the love in the world, you look truly awful.” Harriet reached over and squeezed Catherine’s hand. “I only want to help you, but I cannot do that if you do not let me in.”
“I am not trying to keep you out. I just…” A lump formed in Catherine’s throat, and she pushed it down hard as the smell of cedar and amber threatened to rise in her mind. “Every time I talk about it, I feel like I will fall apart.”
“Then let yourself. I will be here to put you back together again.”
“What if I am too broken to be fixed?”
“You are a person, not a plate, and you are not broken.”
“I feel broken. Everything I do feels like an echo of a former life. I feel like I am watching someone else do the things I do. I try to focus on Oliver, to help him gain confidence and to understand that these changes are not his fault.” Her voice caught on the lump in her throat, and she blinked rapidly as tears threatened to spill from her eyes.
“And for a while, it helped keep the emptiness at bay. His speech is developing, though we have his slate just in case. But when I am not with him… It all comes flooding back to me.”
‘We will finally be free.’ Alaric’s words were like a thorn in her chest, poison seeping from them. As soon as he had said them, she understood. He did not want her; he did not need her anymore.
I am a burden to him. He could not even bear the sight of me.
“I was a fool, Hettie.” Catherine’s voice trembled. “The High Queen of all f ools, and now I have to live with the consequences.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was na?ve enough to think that Alaric might actually care for me, to let my heart hope and yearn for that even though I knew there was no future for us.” Catherine wiped a tear from her cheek.
“But I was only ever an obligation to him. A burden that he could not wait to be rid of. I was a barrier to his freedom.”
“He said that to you?”
“Not in those words, but his meaning was clear.” Catherine wrapped her arms around herself. “He does not need me, he does not want me, and he never will.”
“And how did you know that? Are you some kind of mind reader?” Harriet folded her arms across her chest.
“What man would want a woman like me? Who would want someone who was too stupid to see a would-be murderer?” Catherine felt a wave of hysteria threaten to take over her. “Alaric has always been clear, right from the day we were married, that love was not an option.”
“The Duke I met when we visited you was nothing like the man you married.” Harriet took Catherine’s hand in hers and squeezed it gently. “That man seemed utterly besotted with you. He was charming and kind. He cares for you, Catherine, I know it.”
‘I love you.’
The words he had spoken to her in his delirium, the ones he did not even remember saying, echoed around her head, sifting through the broken pieces of her heart.
No doubt it was just the fever.
Catherine swallowed. “Appearing to be in love is not the same as actually being in love, even if my own heart struggles to know the difference.”
“Are you in love with him?”
Yes. Catherine could not bring herself to say the word, not with Harriet staring at her with her kind eyes. “It does not matter.”
“Of course it does!” Harriet exclaimed.
“He sent me away, Hettie. His memories returned, and the first thing he did was send me away.” A tear rolled down her cheek.
“He wants to go back to our initial agreement, to live our separate lives. The man you saw is no more. The Duke does not want me, and I must learn to live without him. He will come to collect Oliver, and I will… I will go back to my life.”
Catherine gave Harriet a watery smile. “Besides, who needs a husband when I have you, Louisa, and Fiona?”
Harriet pulled Catherine into an embrace. “We will always be there for you.”
“I know,” Catherine whispered.
It was enough before, it will be enough again. Catherine told herself over and over, but each time she repeated the words in her head, they felt less and less true.
Later in the afternoon, long after Harriet had left and Oliver had been returned, Catherine found herself wandering down the halls.
Her fingers brushed against the fine woodwork she had had done. She remembered how proud she had been, how excited she had felt at the prospect of the house being completely hers.
There was a knock at the door, and Catherine’s heart leapt. For a wild moment, she was sure it would be Alaric. It swung open to reveal her mother. Shame and anger washed over her, and she froze with her hand half raised.
“Oh, Catherine. I… I was just coming to drop off this note.” Her mother held up a folded and sealed bit of paper. “I know that I am not supposed to call on you unannounced, and that perhaps you will not want to see me, but well... I thought I would at least ask if you wanted to meet.”
“So you could gloat?” Catherine’s voice was cold. “So you could tell me that all of this is my fault and I have been a fool? I have no wish for my misery to be rubbed in my face, thank you.”
Her mother recoiled, but to Catherine’s surprise, she did not lash out; instead, she hung her head. “I know why you think that, and though it pains me that this is your assumption, I know it is one I have earned.”
Catherine blinked stupidly, unsure if she was hearing correctly. “What?”
She braced herself for her mother’s reprimand, but it never came.
The Marchioness did not correct Catherine’s lapse in etiquette; instead, she gently took Catherine’s hand in hers and said, “I came here to apologize to you, and if I must do it on the door, I will. Though I would prefer to do so inside, and if I am honest, you look like you need to sit down.”
Catherine listened for the usual edge in her mother’s words, but she could not hear it. She felt her mother gently take her arm and did not pull away. “May we continue this discussion inside?”
Catherine nodded numbly and gestured at one of the footmen, who seemed to understand that she was requesting refreshments. She let her mother lead her to the drawing room and sat down on the sofa.
Her mother sat opposite her, absently fluffing a pillow. There was a beat of silence, and then she said, “You really have done a rather marvelous job of decorating the place.”
“Thank you,” Catherine replied.
“I mean it, Catherine. You have an eye for such things. A real gift.” Her mother smiled nervously.
“But?” Catherine canted her head toward her.
“There is no but. I am trying to compliment you.” Her mother frowned.
“Why?” Catherine folded her arms over her chest.
Her mother arched an eyebrow at her. “Must I have a reason?”
“I suppose not. It is... surprising, that is all.” Catherine shrugged.
“Your suspicion is not unjustified.” The Marchioness cleared her throat several times. “I… Well, I will not deny that after that… um… incident with the Duke, I was furious. At least, I was at first.”
“Apparently, your friend was telling people he flung you from the estate and chased you with dogs.” Catherine’s lip curled, but she could not quite summon the energy to be disdainful of the woman, not when everything felt so distant from her.
“I did not think you would have heard that particular rumor.” Lady Danford winced and fanned herself.
“I would not have, had it not been for my friends,” Catherine explained. “I thought you were the one who had started it, but they disabused me of the notion.”
“I have told her to recant the story; in fact, we had rather a large falling out about the whole thing. It has made the bridge club rather more complicated, but… I just could not stand the way she was talking about you and your husband. And she really is the most frightful gossip. The more salacious the better, even when there is little to no truth in the matter.” Her mother sniffed and shook her head.
“Though I suppose I should be thankful to her. After all, that little altercation made me realize just how right the Duke had been and how much of a fool I was.”
The pieces of Catherine’s heart shattered even more. ‘If you truly knew your daughter, if you really saw her, you would not treat her the way you do.’ She tugged at the sleeve of the dress. He had said those things about her, but once his mind was no longer addled, once he regained his memories…
Her mother’s voice pulled her back to the present. “I wish it had not taken so much for me to see the truth of things, but I suppose that is often the way with life. Sometimes one has one’s nose too close to a situation to see the whole picture.”
Catherine nodded. “It is hard to see the forest for the trees when you are in the thick of it.”
Her mother cleared her throat and twisted her hands in her lap. “I am not trying to make excuses for my behavior. I see now how wrong it was for me to behave as I did. Oh, I told myself it was all for you. That it would make you strong, make you the lady I thought you ought to be.”
A maid entered carrying a tray of tea and biscuits, but Catherine’s mother kept talking.
“I told myself that I was doing this all for you, that all I wanted was for you to be happy, and that I knew best. I was wrong, Catherine. I should never have arranged that scandal, never have forced your hand, and I should have trusted you to find the perfect man for yourself. I should have complimented you more, should have lifted you up instead of tearing you down.”
“You made me feel like I was worthless. That I was broken and that no one would ever want me. And I suppose you were right, because he does not. And it is my fault that he does not. And perhaps if—”
“This is not your fault.” Catherine’s mother interrupted, her eyes blazing in the afternoon sun. “Do you hear me, Catherine? You are not to blame.”
“You do not know what happened. What I did. What I…” Catherine could not force the words from her throat. “He does not want me, Mother. He does not love me.”
“Then he is a fool.” There was venom in her mother’s voice.
“And I am even more sorry than I was. If anyone is to blame, it is me. I am the one who forced you together. I am the one who did not care about your wishes; only that you had land, title, and power. If I had not been so blinded by it, I would have protected you instead of driving you away.”
“You were doing what you thought was right, I suppose.” Catherine sniffed, and her mother handed her a handkerchief.
“No, Catherine, I was forcing you to live out my idea of happiness. And I should never have done it.” Catherine felt her mother squeeze her tight, a comforting presence, and in that moment, something settled within her.
She leaned against her, closed her eyes, and let her mother comfort her.
“I am sorry, my darling, I am sorry that I was too blind to see; I am sorry for everything. All I can do is beg for your forgiveness, and pray that you might find it in your heart to allow me to be the mother I should have been.”
Catherine pulled away from Lady Danford and realized that they were both crying. Her mother reached toward her, gently wiping the tears from Catherine’s face. “You deserve better than this.”
“I am not sure that I do,” Catherine sighed.
“I am.” Her mother bit her lip. “You deserve happiness, my darling. You deserve love and everything that makes life worth living. And that is what I wish for you above all else. Truly, I want you to be happy.”
I wanted that too. Catherine closed her eyes. How often had she wished her mother would say that to her? How often had she ached to be held, to be comforted like this?
She leaned against her, inhaling her mother’s familiar perfume and allowing her to rub comforting circles across her back. She saw Alaric’s face, heard his laughter in her mind, and remembered the feel of his arms around her.
Catherine’s eyes flew open, her voice barely more than a whisper. “I wanted him to ask me to stay.”
“Of course you did.” Her mother squeezed her hand. “And I wish he had. And he may yet realize his mistake. And if he does not, well… That says far more about his character than your worth, my dear. You do not need such a fickle man in your life.”
“If that is true, why does it hurt so much?” Catherine swallowed.
“Because hearts care not for reason. But I promise that in time, this will get easier. The pain will fade, and you will heal.” Her mother poured them each a cup of tea and pressed the cup into her hands.
“And as I said, the Duke may yet come to his senses, though if he does, he will get the sharp end of my tongue for the pain he has caused you.”
Catherine laughed. “I suspect you will not be the only one to do so. I spent half an hour convincing Fiona not to send her brothers to give him a good thumping.”
Her mother laughed too, a genuine sound that made Catherine’s smile broaden. “I am glad you have such wonderful friends.”
“As am I.” Catherine ran a hand through her hair. “Though I do not wish him ill, even though this hurts. He did not mean to break my heart. I do not think he even knew it was his to break.”
“Men seldom do,” her mother sighed. “But that is why it is important to have the right kind of people around you. People who love and care for you. I hope… I hope you will let me be one of them.”
Catherine nodded. “I would like that.”
Though her heart still ached, the heaviness weighing on her felt a little lighter. She had her friends, her mother had apologized, and soon enough, she would start to rebuild her life.