Chapter 33
Beatrice was sitting by her window when there was a tremendous noise downstairs.
She froze for a moment, terrified that something awful was happening. She had never known a sound like it, and a tremor of panic gripped her entire body.
“Where is she?” a deep voice came, and at last it made her move.
It was Owen.
She scrambled to the door, pressing her ear to it so that she could hear it better.
“What are you all doing here?” Emma asked. “His Grace, I understand, but the rest of you?”
“We can leave if you want,” Cecilia laughed.
Beatrice could not believe that they were all there, and that alone was enough to draw her out of her room. She stood on the stairs, looking down; when Owen noticed her, she caught her breath.
He looked awful, as though he had suffered tremendously since she left. She wanted to feel a sense of satisfaction about it, but there was none. She was unable to be happy about him being sad; she loved him too much to relish such a thing.
“I came to see you,” he called out to her.
“I can see. Would you like for them all to leave us be?”
The others turned to look at Owen, and he laughed nervously.
“No, they may stay. Inadvertently as it was, I brought them here. I want all of them to see this, and I want you to know that I truly feel this way, and I do not care who knows it.”
Beatrice’s heart pounded, and she made her way down the stairs tentatively. She was terrified that she was going to trip over her feet, for she was barely able to control herself, but she made it to the bottom even with all eyes on her.
“I was a fool, Beatrice,” he continued. “I let the worst time of my life ruin what should be the best. I miss my sister every day, but when you left, I realized that I cannot lose you too. I refuse. I need you, Beatrice. I need you and I love you and I will spend the rest of my life making you believe that if I must.”
The ladies giggled, their happiness clear. Beatrice, on the other hand, did not know how she looked. All that she knew was that her heart had gone from pounding to stopping entirely, and she did not know what to say.
He loved her. He loved her, and though it was not the best moment to tell her, and they were not alone, there was something in the fact that he had said it with pride in front of those she was closest to that made it all the more meaningful.
They had been convinced of the same thing, in spite of her refusing to believe it, and so they would have felt vindicated too.
“I love you too,” was all that she could muster.
“That means that she will go home with you,” Emma explained. “I shall have her things prepared, if you both wish to take some time alone.”
Cecilia and Dorothy groaned, causing Emma to laugh at them.
“Leave them be,” she repeated. Beatrice took Owen’s arm, and they went out to the gardens.
They walked in silence for a while, Beatrice thinking of his words repeatedly. At last, Owen cleared his throat.
“I understand if you did not like that show of affection.”
“No, I did,” she assured him. “I never would have asked for it, but it was precisely what I needed to hear. I know it is perhaps rather childish, but this is all I have needed from you all along.”
“To know that I love you?”
“To know that you truly are proud of me. I have wanted to be loved, yes, but I also wanted you to make it known to others that I am. I want people to see me and envy me, almost, because I am adored so much.”
“I want to do that for you. I have been a terrible husband, but that is going to change. I will be better, Beatrice. I am going to make it so that you never again question my intentions, because I will always ensure you understand them.”
“I do not need anything more than that,” she said softly. “And you were never a terrible husband. I understand now that you kept things from me because you loved me. You wanted to protect me, and as misguided as you were, I cannot blame you for that.”
“Be that as it may, I will not do it again. You shall know everything that I do, and that starts now.”
“Does that mean…”
Her voice trailed off, as she was concerned that he was not going to tell her about his sister, still. He had promised, but that was easily broken when it came to something that had caused him such tremendous pain.
“Yes, I will tell you everything about Lydia. If I may, though, I would like to wait until we have returned home. It would be best if you could see the river as I explain.”
“Would that not be awful for you to see again?”
“It is time,” he said simply. “It happened many years ago, and I cannot avoid part of our estate forever. It is time for me to move on. It is what Lydia would have wanted.”
They remained with Emma for a while longer, and Beatrice played with the children while they waited for her things to be prepared. She was going to miss them, but she knew that she could visit as she pleased. There was no real bitterness to her leaving, only hope for the future.
As they made their way home, Beatrice settled against Owen’s arm and took a deep breath. With it, it felt like months of difficulty disappeared too. Everything had changed, but it was for the better. She had hoped that they could begin again, but she was even happier that that was not the case.
“You are wonderful with those children,” he said kindly to her.
“I adore them. I know that you are not fond of the idea of having our own, but I do think that they would bring us joy one day.”
“That is something else that I have had a long time to think about. I was afraid of having children because of the protection they require. I was terrified that I would not be able to care for them but seeing you with them made me realize that it does not have to be that way.”
He took her hand and tilted her chin up to look at him.
“I want to grow with you,” he continued.
“I want to spend my life by the side of a beautiful and bright lady, one that challenges me in a way that I have never been before. I know that I have only just told you, but I love you, Beatrice. I should not have been as afraid of it as I was, but I am not going to allow that anymore. I will never be afraid of anything again, as long as I have you.”
With that, he kissed her softly. There was no roughness to it like before. Instead, she melted into him, falling into his arms as his fingers ran through her hair.
When they pulled apart, she was dizzy and breathless and more loved than she had ever thought possible. She could not stop smiling, which was just as well because she did not want to.
“We shall have to work, though,” she warned. “There will be difficult times again, and I need you to tell me when that happens, rather than hiding away.”
“And I will. I should have always done that.”
When they returned to their own estate, Owen wasted no time taking her to the forest. The fence was in place, blocking the river from view, and Beatrice pulled his arm, keeping him back.
“There was a lot of time and money spent on this,” she warned. “Are you certain that breaking it is a good idea?”
Without saying a word, he tore it down. It was only one of the boards, but it was a start.
He stepped over the resulting stump and took her hand to help her over too.
Once again, she was in the forest, but it was different this time.
She saw it the way that he did, with dangers everywhere and a most terrible site nearby.
She sensed his trepidation, but her hand remained in his as he guided her to the water.
“This is where I found her,” he explained, shaking.
“I cannot forget it. You asked me how I felt about my father, and I told you that I hated him, but I did not tell you why. You see, it was because of an argument between him and my sister that led her to leave that day. He demanded that she became a proper lady, rather than one that thought for herself and did as she pleased. She had always wanted to do as I did and jump to the other side.”
“Can you truly jump that?”
“It is not easy, but if you have a good run then you can make it. I did it often. The flowers there are beautiful, but I knew the danger. I forbade it, but she never liked to listen to rules. She was like you.”
“I wish I could have met her. She must have been a lovely lady.”
“She would have loved you, as well as your friends. I always wonder who she could have been had I done what I should have.”
There was her moment. Gingerly, she pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him.
“I know that I shall sound like everyone else, but you need to understand that it was not your fault. You said that she was spirited and determined, and that she longed to make that jump. Had you stopped her that day, she would only have tried another day. It was either that, or her spirit would have been broken.”
He remained quiet, but she knew he was listening to her. She hoped that he was considering her words properly, for not one word that she spoke was a lie.
“Perhaps,” she continued, “it might be best if you do not wonder who she could have been and instead remember who she was. It is a better way to honor her memory, for she would appreciate being thought of for who she was, rather than who she might have become. One does not exist, where the other does.”
“I have never considered that. I have always assumed that she would want me to live for her.”
“Then do it by living, not by inventing a life for her.”
She squeezed his hand, placing her other on his chest and looking at him with sincerity.
“Start now,” she pressed. “Remember her fondly and put the tragedy that happened in the past. You can choose which parts to hold on to, Owen. Choose them wisely.”
With the gap between them so small, it was easy for him to close it with a kiss. Beatrice was feverish, and when they pulled apart again, they made their way back to the house.
There was a renewed sense of understanding between them, and it was one that Beatrice knew would not break.
They would not struggle as they had before, because there were no longer any secrets.
She did not have to be the tall and slim and effortlessly beautiful duchess, and he did not have to be the untouchable and fearsome duke.
They could simply be Beatrice and Owen and that would be enough.
It was, she considered, even better, for they were being their truest selves.
“You are home!” Mrs. Forsythe exclaimed when she saw them. “Did you enjoy your time away?”
They exchanged a glance and then laughed warmly. For the most part, they had. There was an awful part in between, but they had spent a night in an inn and seen their friend at her happiest and that was what she would choose to remember.
She had to follow her own advice, after all.
“We did,” Owen replied. “We will not be home for long, however, for Lady Helena is to have her child soon and she has requested that we are there with her.”
“Of course. She shall need a lady for support.”
Beatrice turned scarlet. She did not know the first thing about labor, and she did not know how much help she could possibly have been, but if Helena needed her, she would find a way to assist her.
“And then,” he continued, “my wife and I are going to at last celebrate our wedding.”
Her eyes widened, turning to him.
“I did not know we were going to do that.”
"I haven't told you yet. I thought you'd want to pick where we go. I'd like to celebrate together since we didn't after visiting the inn, and I wish we had."
“Very well. We could visit Scotland.”
“I was thinking something further. Greece, perhaps, or Spain. We are a duke and duchess, and so we ought to celebrate as such.”
There was a feeling of satisfaction at the suggestion. They could go anywhere they pleased and though daunting it was precisely what they needed. She accepted the proposal warmly, and then they left to prepare for dinner.
That night, as they sat outside in the garden, Beatrice rested her legs over his, her head on his chest. She had never felt as safe as she did at that moment, whether he understood that or not. He was the man she had always dreamed of, even if she had not known that at first.
“Do you know,” she said quietly into the night, “I am so pleased that I ruined your wedding.”
“You may not believe me, but I am inclined to agree with you. I must admit, I never would have thought when you objected that you would become the love of my life. And yet, here we are.”
“I am stubborn. I suppose, even then, that I knew I wanted you. I never would have admitted it, but you caught my eye.”
“Then it is fortunate that your friend was marrying me for the wrong reasons.”
“It is fortunate that she was marrying you,” she countered. “Had she not, you and I never would have met, and I cannot imagine that. I have practically forgotten what my life was like without you.”
He took her hand and kissed it, his eyes not leaving hers.
“Then it is just as well that you have me, and I will not be leaving you. I could not, not when you are everything that I have ever wanted and needed.”
He took her in his arms and carried her inside, taking her to his bedchambers and laying her on the bed. They were to leave again by the end of the week, and then she would be needed, and they would not have much time together, thrown into another new situation, but until then she was his entirely.
And what a wonderful week that would be.