Chapter 7
seven
RYLEE
“Lenny, tell me what to do.”
Rylee stood opposite Lennox’s grave, her eyes fixed on the image of him mid-game.
The image was laser-etched into the polished black granite of his headstone. It stood tall, catching the sun that peeked through the clouds.
Fans had been to the gravesite—some as recent as earlier that week. She could tell by the fresh flowers and notes placed around the headstone.
It was something Rylee and his parents agreed should be allowed… that fan-access to the grave be permitted during certain hours of the day.
Rylee’s white roses sat amongst the other flowers.
Normally, she’d sit on the custom curved bench only feet away from the headstone—the one engraved with his name and left open for those who came to visit to have a place to sit with him.
But this morning, she needed to stand.
She needed to speak with him as up close and personal as she could get.
She sighed in frustration. Ran her hand through her braids and looked off.
Her eyes fell on the sea of headstones, varying in height and width.
She squinted at the names on the headstones, many of them recognizable. This cemetery was known for being the final resting place of many who were famous in life.
Like Lennox.
“I didn’t come here yesterday and I feel terrible about that,” she confessed, her breath like white smoke in the air. “I feel terrible about a lot of things that happened yesterday.”
That part was very true.
Xander had stopped by the brownstone.
And although Rylee had given him shit for popping up on her and her children, she was grateful for his company.
“I need you to tell me what to do,” she demanded, her voice cracking, eyes watering at the fact that it would be impossible for Lennox to do what she wanted.
“Should I keep seeing Xander? Can I… keep seeing him?”
Her chest heaved as the words left her lips.
“Because…” she exhaled, her breath pluming in the air, “because I love him. And I’m only falling deeper in love with him and…
the kids love him. They love him too much, if you ask me.
And I don’t want them to forget you. I don’t want for them to only know that you were here and now you’re not.
I don’t want to always get sad when I talk about you to them but happy when I talk about him… ”
Her voice trailed off as she choked back a cry.
She lifted her arm to wipe at her nose with her coat’s sleeve.
Rylee inhaled a deep breath and let it out through her lips.
This push and pull in her heart had been a silent battle.
On the surface, everyone couldn’t help telling her how blessed she was.
To have found a man who loved her and her children with so much heart and genuineness.
But deep inside, Rylee couldn’t help being so resistant… clinging to the belief that she was preserving Lennox’s memory—in her heart, with their children.
To her, Lennox was irreplaceable.
But Xander… Xander was truly a gift from God.
A man who wasn’t looking to fill any spots.
He was great for her, but she was having the hardest time letting him be great to her without guilt.
“I promised you I’d wait,” she whispered. Said that to herself and to him.
“I didn’t wait. And, between you and me, I feel like shit for that.”
She swallowed back the cry she wanted to give into.
Not that she had the strength to cry anymore. She’d been crying for seventy-two hours straight and was exhausted.
But still… her eyes watered.
“You promised you’d always be here,” she started. “That when the clouds parted and the sun came through, it was you. Well, Lenny, here I am. I need you right now. Talk to me.”
Her bottom lip trembled as two tears streamed down her face.
“Tell me, because I need to know… is it okay?”
Rylee got down into a squat, finding it impossible to stay on her feet after the question was asked.
She knew the answer. She just really wished she could hear Lennox’s voice confirming what she already knew.
“He loves Nova and LJ. So much. And he loves me.”
She pressed her hand to her chest. “And I love him. And sometimes, when he’s around, everything just feels so complete.
Like, for a moment, I let myself get lost in the vibe, in the illusion that we’re a whole family.
And I forget that we’re not. That they’re not his but yours.
And then, my heart breaks all over again. ”
She shook her head, then squeezed her eyes closed.
“I’m scared they’ll forget you,” she admitted, biting at her bottom lip.
“But I’m even more scared that they’ll remember you in sadness forever because every time I mention you, I can’t help but cry.”
Rylee pressed her hand to his gravestone, closed her eyes, and tried to imagine his heart beating.
She could still hear it sometimes.
If she cleared her mind well enough… grounded herself in a memory of them.
What she wouldn’t have given to press her ear to his chest one last time.
To listen as her heartbeat synced up with his.
Rylee sighed, her shoulders sinking a bit at the thought.
At the wish that would never be fulfilled.
“I love him, Lenny,” she repeated.
“And I need to know if you’re okay with that… because, you know…”
She sniffed back her tears, wiped at her face again.
“If you don’t want me to be with him, if you don’t want him around the kids, he won’t be.
I won’t let him. But if you do think he’s perfect for us, just tell me.
Send the sign. Do what you always said you’d do.
Part a damn cloud. Send a light. Do something. Please!”
There was a moment of silence. Stillness.
Only the sound of the wind moving through the weeping cherry tree, barren of leaves because of the season.
Rylee refocused on the headstone, taking one final look before leaving.
“I just don’t wanna get this wrong, Lenny,” she said low. “Not with you. Not with our babies. So…”
She sighed, walking closer to the headstone and crouching beside it.
She pressed two fingers to her lips, then pressed them to the laser-etched image of Lennox.
“I’ll be listening for you and watching for those clouds and them sun rays.”
She snickered to herself, remembering how annoyed she’d be when he’d recite that line.
Her eyes knowingly moved down to the epitaph that was engraved on his headstone, word for word…
“When the clouds part and the sun’s rays rain down… that’s me. Just remember to say ‘what up, Lenny.’”
It was not only a reminder for her.
It was for others who visited too. A way for Lennox to remain in memoriam for them all.
Rylee was back on her feet again, turning and walking away.
She peeked back at his headstone, a smile wanting to form, but her frown outweighed it all, weighing her lips down.
She wanted a sign… but what she didn’t realize was that it had already arrived.
Quiet.
Gentle.
Growing.
She’d find out, though… sooner than she thought.