Chapter 8
eight
XANDER
Xander raised a finger in the air to get the bartender’s attention, then gestured down at his cognac for a refill.
It was loud in the bar he sat in with his friend and fellow firefighter, Jamal Sterling, but Xander needed the distraction of it all.
“Throwing them back kinda fast tonight, huh?” Jamal teased, smiling over the rim of his glass as he sipped the cognac he’d been nursing. “You might wanna slow down just a little.”
Xander shook his head as he slid the glass closer to the approaching bartender.
“I held my woman last night as she cried over losing a man who she believes was the love of her life,” Xander uttered, watching the brown liquor pour. “I should also add, said man isn’t just some ordinary man. He’s a fucking basketball legend. Trust me, I’m not throwing them back fast enough.”
The bartender whistled as he twisted the bottle to avoid spilling the liquor after pouring. “This one’s on the house.”
Xander lifted the glass in a toast. “Good man.”
The bartender saluted him as he walked off to tend to another patron.
Xander nodded toward the bartender. “That’s a good man, Jay.”
Jamal’s humor echoed around them.
Xander and his friend Jamal had only been in the bar for all of ten minutes, and already Xander was on his third glass of cognac.
They were in a local bar not far from Xander’s apartment. He was set to report for duty tomorrow and was taking his final night off to drink away the prior night.
Though he was happy to be there for Rylee, being her shoulder to cry on took a toll on him in ways he couldn’t quite understand.
He ran a hand over his locs, which he’d tied back, and grunted into his glass.
Laughter and clinking glasses filled his sound space. And though the bar was just brick walls, vintage booths, and dim lighting, it was a safe haven for him in that moment.
Because last night was beyond a lot for him.
He’d already told his friend everything. It was the only reason Jamal—who Xander called Jay—left his family of four to come hang with Xander as he attempted to drown his problems in brown liquor.
The two sat in silence for a bit before a woman approached the bar on Xander’s right.
He glanced at her and gave her a non-verbal greeting to be polite.
“Hey,” she said with a smile.
“What’s up?” he returned.
Xander was returning to sipping his drink and minding his business when the woman said, “You look like you’re a regular here. What do you recommend?”
Xander smiled. “Everything, honestly.”
She held his attention, refusing to break eye contact first. Instinctively, Xander’s eyes lowered from hers to peek at the cleavage she kept on display through her deep V-neck sweater dress.
“Stephanie,” she said, extending her hand to him. “And you are?”
Xander took her hand, which was soft in his and much smaller. “Xander.”
“Xander,” she repeated, her smile growing. “Beautiful name for a beautiful man.”
He scoffed a laugh, looking away. Licked his lips next. “I’m getting hit on.”
She giggled. “Yes, you are.”
Xander chuckled this time.
This was nothing new for Xander, nor was the setting out of place for an interaction like this.
This was exactly how Xander’s life used to be only three years ago. A meeting at a bar that often—if not always—led to a trip to his apartment only a block away.
And just like those past meetings, Stephanie’s lingering in Xander’s presence was feeling all too familiar.
“So…” She leaned in closer. “What are you getting into after you finish that drink?”
“Hmm,” Xander expressed, lifting the cognac to sip, licking his lips then looking her way. “Going home, getting in bed, then calling my lady to tell her I love her and to wish her a good night.”
“Oh.” Stephanie’s smile faltered a little before she fixed it back in place. “I see.”
“I’m sorry,” Xander apologized next.
“No, it’s fine.” She winked. “Of course you have a girl. Lucky her.”
With that she walked away, and Xander watched her leave, his eyes lowering below her waist to see she had an ass to go with her ample cleavage she wasn’t shy about showing.
He sucked his teeth and returned his attention to his drink.
Three years ago, he’d already be easing her out of her sweater dress by now.
Tonight, all he wanted was to, at the very least, hear Rylee’s voice on the other end of his phone.
“That woman had some big ass titties and a fat ass that did absolutely nothing for me.” His glass was to his lips when he mumbled, “Rylee and them kids done broke me, Jay.”
Jamal hollered a laugh, slapping a hand to his friend’s shoulder. “Yeah, you broken, bruh. Irreparable.”
Xander couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“And I don’t think you wanna be saved.”
“You damn right I don’t wanna be saved. Shit.”
He shook his head again while wrapping his big hand around the short glass.
“I’m really getting older, man.” Xander chuckled to himself. “I’m out here wanting something real these days. A home. A family. A future that doesn’t feel temporary. It’s crazy, honestly.”
“So you, like… you really held Rylee the whole night as she cried over dude?”
Xander sighed, closing his eyes and inhaling a deep breath.
“I had to, man. It was her best friend and father of her children’s death anniversary.
I walked in there and saw her looking all broken, a shell of herself.
I had to. So yeah, I held her as she cried in my arms and that shit led to us making love—”
“Wait, what?”
Xander blew air through his lips while squeezing his eyes closed. He lowered his head to pinch the corners of them. “I’d rather not share any more than that, Jay.”
Jamal sat quietly beside Xander, not pushing for more information just yet, simply giving Xander the space.
And that was one of the reasons Jamal was his best friend, and why they’d been friends since high school, becoming firefighters together after being EMTs. Their lives were similar, except Jamal had started his family before Xander, while Xander spent more time in the bachelor life.
But things were changing for Xander in ways he never expected, and he had no desire to run from that change. He just wished falling for Rylee didn’t feel like walking a tightrope with no net.
Even as the frustration tried to build when he thought about how resistant Rylee had been to him getting close to her and her kids, he remembered the night before—walking into that room and seeing her curled up in a ball.
Then helping her into the tub, her eyes red-rimmed, spirit depleted…
he understood the resistance. He just wished he could do something about it.
Do something about the pain and her worrying about getting too close.
What did she think could go wrong?
“Holding her as she cried over him felt like the only relief I could provide,” Xander shared after some silence between them.
“I don’t know if making love last night was right, given the circumstances or whatever, but shit…
” He shook his head. “It felt like the only thing I could do to help her breathe again.”
Jamal pressed his tongue to his cheek and nodded. “Was she into it?”
Xander jerked his head back then shot his friend a mean glare. “Man, Jay.”
Jamal raised his hands between them. “I’m just asking.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Xander insisted, fixing his eyes to Jamal.
“It wasn’t about the sex at all. It was the only thing I knew how to give her that didn’t need words.
Because words were just failing me at the time.
She was crying over losing a man she loved.
What the fuck can I say to that? What can I do when I love her the way she says she still loves him? ”
Jamal blew air through his lips, lifting his glass of cognac to his mouth to drink. He took a moment, seeming to gather his thoughts when he asked Xander, “Are you sure she sees y’all relationship like you do? Or are you just playing husband in your head?”
Xander blinked in response.
“I just… I don’t see how the hell you do it or why you’re choosing to put yourself through this.”
Xander ran his hand down his face. “I put myself through this, because… she’s the love of my life and I’ll do whatever the hell she needs, man. Even if it’s uncomfortable sometimes. And scary—”
“Scary?” Jamal questioned.
Xander swallowed hard while shaking his head, gathering his thoughts.
“Jay, I can walk into burning buildings without blinking. You know that.” Xander stared into his drink.
“But the thought of Rylee deciding she doesn’t want me because she can’t get over the loss of her children’s father?
” He exhaled. “Yes. That shit is scary as fuck. And it’s the one thing I don’t know how to survive. ”
“Damn.” Jamal slapped Xander on the shoulder again and held Xander’s shoulder blade in his tight grip. “You’d be lucky to be only down bad, man.”
Xander chuckled, lifting his glass to continue sipping his drink. “Tell me about it.”
“OMG!” Nova shouted from the living room. “What’s that?!”
Xander’s heart melted the moment he noticed the gleam in Nova’s eyes. They were focused on the bags Xander had walked into the brownstone holding. Which was a huge contrast to the look in Rylee’s eyes when she opened the door to see him standing on the other side holding the bags.
“They’re for you two,” Xander informed, stepping out of his sneakers and walking the bags into the living room.
He didn’t pop up this time. As promised, he texted Rylee to see if it would be fine for him to stop by the brownstone after his shift that evening, and she told him sure.
“I was at work on the field when we got a call to a toy store,” Xander explained, setting the bags down and crouching to the kids’ height. “The space was packed with toys.”
LJ’s face lit up. “From the floors to the ceiling?”
Xander smiled. “To the windows to the walls, my guy.”
Rylee snorted behind him.
“Cool!” Nova chimed in.