Chapter 6
6
She was such a coward.
Jess slammed the door to her room in frustration. What the hell was she doing running away from Xander like that?
Truth was, she’d never had a one-night stand in her life and the thought of it petrified her. Especially with someone as intensely male as him.
She was scared of not being able to give him what he expected from her.
He was used to bedding sexually confident women with lithe, toned bodies and dexterity in the bedroom and he was going to be mightily disappointed when he found out how useless she was in bed.
A loud knock at the door made her jump in fright.
That couldn’t be him, could it? Surely, he’d realised by now she wasn’t the type of woman he should be wasting his time with? He’d given her so many opportunities to take him up on his sexual invitations and she’d blown every one of them. He must be mightily bored with her inability to take the initiative by now.
She paused on the way to answer the door as an uncomfortable notion struck her. Perhaps he thought she was playing hard to get?
Had she really given him that impression?
She thought back to all the teasing and flirting she’d allowed herself to indulge in over the last couple of days.
Yup, she probably had.
Swinging the door open she found him standing there, with his thumbs casually hooked into the belt loops of his jeans, like hot sex personified.
‘Hey. Are you okay?’
Pushing her shoulders back, she attempted to convey mature control, all the while shaking in her shoes. ‘Yes, I’m fine. I-I just got a bit overwhelmed.’
He nodded, like he understood. ‘Can I come in?’ he asked. He held up both hands. ‘It’s totally fine if you don’t want me to.’
She paused for a second, then nodded. She needed to stop running away from this. From him. ‘Yes, come in.’
There was a flash of relief in his eyes as he smiled and walked past her into the bedroom.
‘What’s going on, Jess?’
She shrugged awkwardly. ‘I-I just don’t need any complications in my life right now.’
‘Why does this need to be complicated?’
Her heart skipped a little.
‘I’m not the sort of person that sleeps around, it’s not my thing.’
‘How can having a night of hot, meaningless sex with me not be “your thing”?’ he said, but with a tease in his voice.
Rocking back on her heels she grasped for a response, but none was forthcoming.
‘What exactly are you worried about?’ he asked more gently.
She huffed out a sigh. ‘Come on, Xander, you know exactly what… I’m not even remotely like the women you usually date!’
‘Perhaps that’s why I like you so much.’
‘You like me?’ She was aware her eyebrows had shot upwards at this piece of information.
‘Believe it or not, I do. You’re the most genuine, interesting, surprising person I’ve met in a long time. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you’ve got a thing for me too, despite your misgivings,’ he finished, flashing her a sly grin.
The corner of her mouth twitched up into a smile; she couldn’t help it. ‘Okay, I admit, I like being around you. You can be good fun when you’re not trying to trip me up with your massive ego.’
He took this as permission to move closer to her so they were now almost toe to toe.
‘Maybe you should let yourself do something crazy for once then. Just for the hell of it,’ he murmured, gazing at her with those captivating eyes of his.
The expression of raw lust on his face made her shiver with pleasure.
‘What do you want from me?’ she asked, her voice low and husky with nerves.
‘I want to kiss you,’ he said quietly.
The air pulsed with expectation.
‘I want that too,’ she whispered back. Because she did. She really did.
She sucked in a breath as he slid his hands up to cup each side of her jaw and pulled her towards him. Her senses reeled as his lips crushed her mouth, soft, yet hard with hunger as he teased her lips open so he could slide his tongue between them. He tasted delicious, like the most delectable main course and the sweetest dessert all wrapped up in one sensational feast.
Sliding his hands under her thighs, he lifted her up against him and she felt the rigid length of his cock press against the agonisingly sensitised nerves between her legs.
She groaned low in her throat as he held her against the wall and pushed his body into her, increasing the delicious friction between them.
‘I want you like this, Jess, just like this, fast and hard against the wall,’ he murmured against her mouth, his fingers slipping into her hair, holding her captive. ‘Then afterwards, slow and long… sliding into you over and over again. And I want to hear you say my name when you come.’
She nearly stopped breathing as the sound of those words washed over her, drenching her to her quivering bones. She couldn’t let him expect that to happen.
She suddenly wanted to cry.
Her whole body tensed as anxiety flooded through her and she turned her face away from him so he couldn’t see the tears welling in her eyes.
* * *
Something was wrong.
Jess’s whole body had gone rigid, and she wouldn’t look at him.
‘Hey, what is it?’ Xander asked, suddenly terrified he’d pushed this too far too quickly.
‘I… don’t want to disappoint you,’ she said so quietly he almost missed it.
He stared at her, baffled. ‘You won’t.’
‘I might,’ she said, almost defiantly.
He manoeuvred her over to the bed, guiding her down gently to sit on it and kneeling in front of her, between her thighs.
Their eyes were on a level, and she gazed into his, a frown pinching her brow.
‘Are you scared?’
The question seemed to shock her. Scrambling backwards onto the bed, she curled her arms around her drawn up legs, staring at him, frowning even harder. ‘No. I’m not scared of you .’
‘Then what is it?’
She screwed up her eyes, as if she had to pretend he wasn’t there in order to get the words out. ‘I don’t find it easy to orgasm. I’m too self-aware.’ Her cheeks flushed with mortification. ‘I’m scared I’ll disappoint you because I’m crap in bed.’
When she opened her eyes, all he could do was stare at her in disbelief. ‘Why on earth would you think that?’
She looked up at him, barely able to meet his gaze. ‘The last guy I had a relationship with told me I was a crap lay. But I’ve always been unsure of myself where sex is concerned,’ she rushed on. ‘I don’t exactly have a lot of experience.’ She looked away from him again, her face pale now.
He stared at her in silence for a moment, feeling inexplicably angry. ‘What a fucking arsehole.’ No wonder she was so afraid of letting him get physical with her. Who said things like that to someone they were meant to care about? Even though he’d never allowed himself to get emotionally close to any of the women he’d slept with, he’d never dream of being so callous and cruel to them. The guy clearly hadn’t bothered to get to know Jess very well if he couldn’t see how saying something like that would destroy her fragile confidence.
‘I guess my inability to enjoy sex with him must have fed into his deepest insecurities about not being “man” enough or something,’ she said, looking at him now with shame in her eyes.
‘Yeah, well, clearly he wasn’t skilled enough to make it good for you.’
She gave him a tentative smile back and something tightened in his chest.
‘Yeah. Maybe.’
‘Jess, listen, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t want to walk away now, leaving you believing you’ll never enjoy or be good at sex. Give me the opportunity to change your mind.’
He wanted to give her this – a chance to step out from behind that cloud of doubt that followed her around and to feel the sunshine on her face for once. He knew his strengths and weaknesses, and while he couldn’t offer her a hearts-and-flowers relationship, he was more than qualified to show her a good time in the sack.
‘You like a challenge, don’t you?’ she said, the corner of her mouth twitching.
He climbed onto the bed next to her and put a hand up to her face, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers.
‘Trust me, Jess, you won’t regret it.’
* * *
Jess stared at him and thought about how much she wanted to let herself have him – have this – and how she needed to start taking risks in her life if she was ever going to start really living.
‘Tonight doesn’t have to mean anything, Jess. Just think of it as a blip in the timeline. A chance to step out of yourself for a few hours. You can button yourself right back up again afterwards if you want.’ He shot her a playful grin. ‘Give me the chance to prove to you that sex can be more fun than you think.’
Her blood pulsed hard through her veins, the crazy adrenaline rush making her head spin. There was a good chance she’d go loopy if she didn’t let this happen. The regret would stay with her till her dying day.
After all, she’d come here determined to get some new experiences out of the trip and he was offering her something incredible – a no strings night and his heavenly body on a plate.
Her deeply ingrained insecurities waged war with her libido.
She wanted to, but the thought of him seeing her naked terrified her.
‘You can’t take all my clothes off and it has to be dark,’ she stated, wondering if she was pushing things a bit too far. Surely, he’d get fed up with it all soon and get up and leave. That’s what most men would do.
But Xander wasn’t most men.
He raised an eyebrow. ‘You’re determined to throw every single obstacle in my way, aren’t you?’ Lifting a hand, he trapped a curl of her hair between his fingers and gave it a gentle tug before wrapping it around her ear. ‘It’s a good job I relish a challenge.’
He leant across and turned off the lamp next to the bed, plunging the room into darkness.
He wasn’t giving her any time to back out.
She felt him shift his position on the bed next to her and wished for a second she hadn’t insisted on turning off the light. Suddenly a layer of control had gone. If she couldn’t see him, she couldn’t pre-empt what he was going to do and stop him.
Man, she was strung out. There was no way he was getting an orgasm out of her tonight. The thought made her even more tense. A vicious circle.
He obviously sensed her growing panic because he laid a hand gently on her foot. ‘Jess. Relax. It’s going to be okay.’ Xander’s words twisted through her head and she clung on to the sound of his voice to steady herself.
Pushing herself up onto her elbows, she tried to locate him in the gloom. She could make out the general shape of him, but no details. ‘I apologise in advance if it takes me a while to… you know,’ she said quickly, before the insecurity won and muted her.
‘Don’t worry, we have all night.’ Her whole body responded to his seductive tone with an intense shiver from her ears right down to her toes. ‘Trust me, okay? Just trust me. This is about you tonight. I don’t want you to worry about me. I want to do this for you. I’m going to enjoy it.’
Oh. My. God.
‘Lie back,’ he said, skating his hands gently, oh so gently, up her shins.
It would be so much easier if she just got up and left right now, but she couldn’t do it. Didn’t want to. Wouldn’t let herself. Not this time.
He had her pinned there with the sheer force of his magnetism.
Moving his hands slowly under her skirt to the apex of her thighs, testing her reaction inch by inch, he eventually encountered her knickers.
Biting down on her lip to stop herself from asking him to stop, Jess allowed him to slide his thumbs inside the leg-holes, close, so close to where her body throbbed and buzzed with the heat he’d continually triggered in her ever since she’d arrived here.
Closing her eyes, she raised her hips and let him slide her knickers down her legs, feeling the pads of his fingers trail from the top of her thighs, right down to her ankles, his touch leaving a burning trail along her skin.
Sucking in a breath she waited – the anticipation of his next move making her blood pulse hot and fast through her body.
‘Tell me what you like, Jess. Where you want to be touched.’ His voice rumbled through her.
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what I like,’ she whispered, so glad he couldn’t see how hard she was blushing. She was amazed he hadn’t commented on how hot it was in the room – how she seemed to be giving off more heat than the national grid.
‘Okay, let’s experiment. You tell me when I’m hitting the right spots.’
Before she had chance to process what he’d said, she felt a movement of air on her legs and the bed dipped underneath her. A second later, his breath tickled the now hyper-sensitive skin of her inner thigh before he dropped his mouth to kiss her there, right below the juncture of her thighs.
She jumped in shock at the intimacy of it, struggling for a second with the realisation of exactly what he was about to do. He didn’t comment on her reaction, just moved his kisses lower, down towards her knees, as if he realised he’d gone in a bit too hot and heavy. He was reading her body like a pro, shifting his position and the intensity of his kisses depending on how she reacted. He spent a while working his way from the tips of her toes right back to the top of her thighs, his slow exploration ratcheting up her need to be touched in a way she had no words to describe. They wouldn’t come, refusing to allow her to ask for the pleasure she craved.
Seeming to sense her struggle with herself, Xander finally moved higher, between her thighs, then higher again, slowly and so gently, until he hovered over where she ached to be touched, his breath tickling her, teasing her.
He was waiting for her to say the words, to give him permission.
Gripping the bedspread hard between her hands for courage, she screwed up her eyes in concentration and forced the words to leave her throat. ‘There. Just there. Yes.’ She sounded so guttural, so desperate, it shocked her.
Her reward for finally allowing the words to come was worth every ounce of effort. He stroked his tongue gently over her and she responded without thinking, raising her pelvis off the bed and pressing herself into him. Clearly taking that as a positive response, he spread his fingers against her thighs, pushing them wider – a gentle flow of movement that made her whole body throb and ache.
He dipped his head to her again and kissed her there hard. ‘I love your body, you smell so good, taste so good,’ he murmured against the sensitive nub of her clitoris, the vibration upping the intensity of the feeling.
Oh, he so knew what he was doing.
He worked his tongue against her, taking long leisurely sweeps, but only touching her clit for a second before moving on.
It was torture. Sweet torture.
Moving his hands up her body, he found the hem of her top and slid his fingers beneath it, finding the hot skin of her stomach. She sucked it in quickly, distracted from the roving path of his tongue for a second.
He sensed her withdrawal and removed his hand, placing it instead under her buttocks, pushing her upwards, harder against his mouth until she forgot all about her insecurities again.
Her breath tore against her throat and she gasped as each stroke of his tongue took her closer, closer than she’d ever been before to an orgasm with someone else.
But she needed more. Something more.
As if sensing her hesitation, Xander pulled away from her and she felt him shuffle his way carefully up her body until his dark shadow loomed above her.
‘You are easily the sexiest woman I’ve ever met,’ he said in such a guttural voice she felt a jubilant thrill deep in her chest. ‘I love how you respond so honestly to me, even when you don’t know you’re doing it.’
Dropping his head slowly until he found her mouth in the dark, he kissed her gently, skimming his tongue across her lower lip. Moving a hand back between her thighs, he slid his fingers over her swollen folds, parting her there before sliding downwards slowly, so excruciatingly slowly. She gasped against his mouth as his fingers penetrated her, delving deep inside, opening her up to him.
A groan escaped from low in her throat and she instinctively opened her legs wider to give him better access.
His fingers slid deeper, the silkiness of her arousal allowing him easy access and he pulsed them inside her, finding a spot that made her jump and twist with pleasure when he pressed hard.
Slicking his thumb against her clitoris, he kept up the pressure of his touch, and she moved, unthinking against it, forcing herself to relax into the moment and just feel.
She wanted to be able to do this. So much. And Xander didn’t seem at all concerned about how long it was taking her to get there.
Turning her thoughts away from anything but how he was making her crazy with only the amazing dexterity of those beautiful hands of his, she rode the movement with him, breathing in the enticing tang of his scent as he hovered his mouth above hers, the intensity of it all making her head spin.
Focus, Jess, focus on the pleasure. Find the joy.
As she relaxed into the rhythm of their movement, she became aware of a concentrated pressure building inside her where his fingers twisted and pulsed. It started as a slow tingle, steadily growing into a great throbbing spasm which intensified second after second, keeping her on the edge of reaching something amazing, for what felt like forever.
‘Let go, Jess,’ Xander whispered against her mouth, the words vibrating on her lips and suddenly, without warning, the feeling seemed to break and implode inside her, the rush of intensity taking her breath away.
‘Whoa… whoa… WHOA!’ She writhed and twitched in ecstasy, completely out of control of her body’s movements as a great thundering orgasm twisted through her, emanating from deep inside and radiating out until she felt it to the tips of her fingers. Blood roared through her head, and exquisite pleasure chased around her body as wave after wave of intense sensation flowed through her.
It took her a while to return to reality, as she lived through the aftershocks her body seemed intent at throwing at her.
Xander hadn’t moved, but now she felt him lean across her, his hard body pressing against the tips of her breasts, his breath tickling her ear. There was a click next to her head and the bedside light flickered on.
He hovered above her with the most satisfied smile she’d ever seen splashed across his handsome face.
She stared up at him in incredulity. ‘What did you do to me?’
‘I found your g-spot.’ He flopped onto the bed next to her.
‘Wow. I’ve never come like that before,’ she said, sitting up and pulling her skirt back down, smoothing her hands over it to flatten it out. She was finding it hard to look at him. All her barriers had been smashed to smithereens and she didn’t know how she was supposed to act any more.
‘Well, congratulations,’ he murmured. Leaning forwards, he put a hand to her chin and tipped her face towards him. Quickly closing the gap between them, he kissed her gently on the lips. ‘It just takes a bit of patience. I’m guessing the men you’ve slept with in the past were more interested in their own pleasure than yours.’
She thought back to the last guy she’d slept with. She hadn’t liked the way he’d touched her, all urgent and hard, as if he wanted to get her pleasure out of the way quickly so he could focus on his own.
‘You could say that,’ she said. ‘The last sexual relationship I had started off as uninspiring and went downhill from there. I ended up faking my orgasms just to get it over with so he’d leave me alone.’ Pulling her legs towards her chest, she wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged her legs tightly against her body.
It had been easier to lie to the guy, but she’d felt disappointed and angry with herself afterwards. She knew it was a psychological block she had about relaxing enough to let her body respond how it should, and she’d reconciled herself to the belief that she’d never be able to let herself go enough.
Until Xander came along with his dogged determination.
How completely and utterly bizarre the whole situation was. It was as if she’d just tumbled down the rabbit hole and found herself in a new, completely baffling world.
Her expression must have reflected some of her bewilderment because Xander frowned and put a hand onto her shoulder. ‘Are you okay?’
His show of concern made her chest constrict. He seemed to be genuinely worried about how she was handling it all.
She gave him a smile, which she hoped transmitted more poise than she felt right at that moment. ‘I’m fine. Thanks.’
He grinned. ‘So, it is possible for you to orgasm with someone else in the room.’
She snorted and shook her head in amusement at his awe-inspiring cockiness. ‘Yeah, okay, you were right, apparently you are a sex magician.’
‘A sex magician.’ He smiled. ‘I like the way your mind works, Jess.’
She felt lightheaded and discombobulated by it all – and suddenly, overwhelmingly tired. A yawn pushed against the back of her throat and she tried in vain to suppress it.
Xander grinned in amusement. ‘Okay, I’m going to let you sleep now.’
Before she could say anything, he rolled away from her, off the bed and onto his feet in one fluid movement.
‘See you in the morning, Jess.’ He blew her a kiss. ‘Sweet dreams.’
She watched his retreating figure until he’d pulled open the door and disappeared through it, letting it click closed behind him.
She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.
Her whole world had been tipped upside down and she felt suddenly very lost and alone and horrifically guilty about not giving him any pleasure back.
No wonder he’d got up and left.
And she didn’t know what to do next.
Now she’d allowed her hard-clung-to control to slip, she was in some kind of crazy limbo, not sure which way to turn.
Xander had made it pretty clear he was all about the here and now and that tonight was just a bit of fun for him and she didn’t know what to think about that. On the one hand she didn’t want that to be it for them; now she’d toppled over the line she wanted more time to explore this brave new world with him, but on the other, she had a horrible feeling she wouldn’t be able to be as casual about sex with Xander as he apparently could be with her.
Could she risk it?
If she decided to walk away now and keep her sanity – and quite possibly her heart – intact, she’d need to go first thing in the morning, before things became awkward and uncomfortable for them both.
But could she bring herself to do that?
Based on his reputation she’d be a fool to think anything long-term could come out of this, but dammit, she couldn’t just walk away now, leaving things hanging between them.
She wanted more.
Flopping back onto the pillows, she rubbed a hand over her drowsy eyes.
Sleep, that’s what she needed right now. The crazy whirl of emotions had exhausted her, and she could barely think straight any more.
Yes, sleep now.
There would be time for decisions in the morning.
* * *
Xander paced around his bedroom, weirdly adrenalised from the effort of walking away from Jess when all he’d wanted to do was bury himself inside her and stay there all night.
To lose himself in her.
Giving his face a vigorous rub to get the blood flowing, he stared at his eyes in the mirror and tried to pull himself together.
He’d never done that before. Put someone else’s needs before his own and he was amazed by just how fantastic it felt. He was making a positive difference to her life, helping her find something she’d been missing for too long, and the thought of it warmed him.
Xander Heaton, Sex Therapist. Who’d have thought it possible?
It had been hell on earth to walk away, but he was glad he’d done it. He could see they needed to take things slowly so she could keep some vestige of control. Judging by the way she’d closed herself up again afterwards, she evidently needed space away from him now.
So did he, if he was honest.
He couldn’t put his finger on exactly why he felt so unsettled by what had just happened between them, but it unnerved him something crazy.
Perhaps it was because he liked her so much. The lovers he’d had in the past had been very sexy, engaging women, but he’d never enjoyed being with them the way he enjoyed being around Jess. There were so many layers to her that he got the feeling he might never get to the heart of who she was.
She fascinated him.
And he was having fun. He seemed able to push away the anxiety that had plagued him for the last year when she was around – and he needed that right now. It would be good for him to have her company here while he worked on his new paintings.
He just needed to find a way to persuade her to stay.