Chapter 10
Ten
Stay
“SO, CAN I LOOK NOW? My neck is starting to hurt.”
“Just another minute, babe. I’m almost there,” Cole replied, and I groaned.
I stared at the windowpane in front of me, slowly counting my breaths and trying to recall every lyric of Jesus of Suburbia as a way to pass the time.
We were upstairs in Cole’s bedroom after school, and he had asked if he could draw me.
He’d positioned me on the floor in the dormer window, my face turned toward the light, one hand resting on my bent knee, and I could hear his charcoal scratching across the page as I sat as still as I could.
To be honest, it wasn’t just my neck. My ass was numb from sitting on the hard floor, and the draft from the window was raising goosebumps on my skin, even though it had been a relatively warm day.
But I’d promised, and I knew Cole wanted to practice, so I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.
Finally, Cole breathed a sigh of contentment. “Okay, you can move.”
I stretched, rolling my shoulders and extending my legs in front of me, shaking them out as I let the tension ebb from my body. Cole scooted across the floor and wedged in next to me in the small space, burrowing under my arm and shyly offering me his notebook. “Wanna see?”
I took the notebook and held it out in front of me. “Wow, you made me look — way hotter than I actually am.”
I didn’t have any illusions about what I actually looked like.
I mean, I had to get up every morning and look at my own face in the mirror before I got in the shower.
But the version of me that Cole had put on the page just looked — interesting.
The light falling across my face made me look like I had something deep on my mind, like I was searching for the right inspiration.
And somehow he’d made my body seem both soft and strong, a little rugged in my plaid shirt, warm and approachable. I couldn’t believe it was me.
Cole dropped a kiss on my shoulder, then laid his head there, throwing his arm across my middle. “That’s what you really look like, sweetheart. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
“Why are you so perfect?” I lifted his chin up for a kiss that made my heart beat faster, my blood rushing down below my waist. But then a twinge of pins and needles drew a groan from my lips, and I pulled back. “Fuck, I have to get up off this floor before my ass falls off.”
Cole cackled. “Well, we definitely don’t want that.”
I stood up and stretched, walking around the room to let the feeling return to my legs. When I passed Cole’s desk, I noticed an open envelope with the Yale crest, the folded letter tossed onto the desk beside it, and I picked it up almost without thinking about it.
“Cole, what’s this?”
“No, wait — You don’t need to —” Cole strode across the room to take the letter from me, but I had already seen the first line.
The Yale Admissions Committee has completed its evaluation of this year’s candidates, and I regret to inform you that —
“Cole, I’m so sorry.”
He was looking at the ground, scuffing his toe on the pastel rug beneath our feet. But then he tore the letter decisively in half, and tossed it back onto the desk. “It’s nothing. I don’t care.”
“But Cole, if you want to talk about it —”
“No.” He crossed to the bed, throwing himself down on his stomach, and I sat down carefully beside him, leaning back against the headboard.
He made an impatient sound, then rolled onto his back so I could see his face.
“Look, I got into the University of Connecticut, which was my safety school, okay? So it’s fine.
Yale would have been like boarding school all over again, rich assholes wanting me to suck their dicks without even having the courtesy to jack me off afterwards.
I’ll go to school with normal people, and I’ll convince my parents to buy me a car as a graduation gift, and I’ll drive down to see you every weekend.
And we’ll talk all the time during the week and everything will be fine. ”
“But your parents —” I had never pushed Cole like this before, and I wasn’t even sure I was doing it right.
“They already know I’m a disappointment,” Cole said to a spot on the ceiling. “Once I got suspended the first time, I knew it was over. I really don’t give a fuck.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “Because you kinda sound like you do.”
“Do you need me to prove to you how wrong you are? Because I can definitely do that.” He rolled onto his belly once more, this time in my direction, landing between my knees.
He pressed his lips against my thigh, then worked his way upward, dragging his mouth along my belly, my chest, my throat, until he was sliding his tongue into my mouth, his hands braced on either side of my shoulders.
Finally, he pulled back just enough to study my face. “See? I’m totally fine.”
“Cole —”
“I think we should have sex.”
“Wait — what?” I scrambled backwards on my elbows, putting distance between us so that I could see him fully. He sat back hard on his heels as if he’d been stung. “You mean — right now?”
“No, I meant we should talk about it — that is, unless —” He cocked an eyebrow at me, and I shook my head, frowning.
“I thought we were already having sex.”
Cole chewed on his lip, staring down at his hands. “You know what I mean.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t deny that I had been thinking about it. “Which one of us would, um — I mean —”
“Would what?” Cole raised an eyebrow at me.
“Bottom,” I whispered.
“Oh, me! I mean, I thought that was obvious —” He took a shuddering breath, tucking his hair behind his ears with both hands, then fixed his eyes on me. “Ezra, I want you to fuck me. I’ve been wanting it — I dunno, for a while.”
“O-o-o-kay.” I drew the syllables out, shifting to my knees so that I could mirror him, my heart pounding in my ears.
“But I mean, if you don’t want to —” Cole blinked hard, glancing into the corner of the room.
“No, that’s not it at all! I do, I really do. You just —” I reached out and took his hand, and he gave me a ghost of a smile. “— I dunno, you just surprised me. It sort of came out of nowhere.”
“Sorry, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and it just popped out.”
“That’s okay.” I ran my thumb over his knuckles. “You haven’t — before?”
“No, I haven’t. But hey, I’ve been experimenting a bit —” Blushing furiously, he reached across the bed and opened the drawer of his bedside table. I caught just a glimpse of a long purple object before he slammed it shut again. “And I like it? But I think it would be better with you.”
“Where did you get that?” I couldn’t help giggling, the sound a little shrill, breaking the tension in the room.
“Unlimited credit card and no parental supervision,” Cole laughed, tackling me backwards onto the bed and pressing kiss after kiss against my cheek. “You had me worried I melted your brain for a minute there.”
“You fucking did —” I gasped, trying to grab onto his face to slow him down. “Fuck, I’m still shaking.”
Cole smoothed my hair off my forehead, then kissed me on the nose. “Can we just make out and forget I said anything?”
God, just looking at him made me stupid. “Yeah, I think that can be arranged.”
As I rolled him onto his back, tucking myself between his knees and fitting my mouth over his, I knew that there was probably something I should be doing, something I should be examining more closely. But when Cole was pressed against me, it was really hard to remember exactly why I should care.
***
“Hey, where are you running off to so fast?”
I stopped with my hand on the back doorknob, turning to face Dad at the table. “I’m just heading up the hill to see Cole.”
He sat back from his plate of eggs, looking me up and down. It was Sunday morning, the only day of the week that he took off to lounge around at home, and the kitchen radio was blaring some sort of talk show. “You spend a lot of time with that boy.”
“He’s my best friend?” I shrugged. “I dunno.”
Dad studied me for a long time. Finally, he sighed, hunching over his plate once more.
“It’s nice to see you branching out and not rattling around by yourself all the time.
But hey, if Sharon asks you for help with anything while you’re in that house, you do it for her, okay?
You’re up there so much that I think you should probably be paying rent. ”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, Dad.”
It had been a little over a week since Cole and I had talked about sex, but nothing new had happened yet.
We’d spent nearly every afternoon together, and I could tell it was on both of our minds, but neither of us had brought it up again, even though we couldn’t keep our hands off each other whenever we were alone.
Last night, we’d made plans to ride our bikes over the bridge and sit on the beach for a few hours.
Sandy Hook was still closed after the storm, but some of the beaches on the way toward Sea Bright were open.
And I’d been craving some peace and quiet in front of the waves, even though it was still much too cold to swim, and Cole seemed game to go with me.
But he hadn’t answered any of my texts or calls this morning, and I figured maybe he was sleeping in.
When I knocked on the door, Sharon answered it. “Cole hasn’t come down yet, dear,” she said, resting her hand on my arm. “But you’re more than welcome to go up and check on him.”
I took the stairs much faster than my usual sedate pace, and when I reached the top, I was a little winded. I strode down the hall and knocked. “Cole?”
“Come in.”
His voice sounded a little off, and when I stepped into the room, he was curled up in bed, the coverlet pulled up to his shoulders.
“Oh, hey — sorry, I just can’t seem to get myself out of bed this morning. You can come join me if you want, though.”