Chapter 10 #2
I crossed the room, kicking off my shoes before sliding under the covers with him.
Cole didn’t really look like he was just waking up.
He was fully dressed in baggy jeans and a thick pullover hoodie, and his phone was lying next to him on the pillow.
But I curled up behind him, draping my arm around his waist to pull him close and burying my face against the nape of his neck.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s just — it’s nothing.” Cole took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Just my weekly call from home. It’s not a big deal.”
I squeezed him a little harder. “Do you want to tell me what they said?”
“Not really.”
“I can go, if you want. We don’t have to go to the beach today if you’re not feeling up to it.”
“No, please stay —” Cole gripped my arm, but after a moment he relaxed. “I mean — just give me a few minutes. Then I’ll get up and we can go.”
We both lapsed into silence. It was peaceful in Cole’s house, just the occasional sound of footsteps below us, the whistle of a teakettle, the backdoor opening and shutting as Sharon went outside to check on the garden.
Cole’s window was open, and there was a soft breeze blowing into the room, bringing with it the freshness of spring, just a hint of ocean salt.
Outside, neighbors were mowing their lawns, walking past the house with their dogs, exchanging occasional pleasantries, enjoying the new day.
I could feel every one of Cole’s breaths, deep and even, each intake of air filling his diaphragm and lifting my arm before easing out into the room.
It was warm, holding him against me, and I wasn’t sure I had ever felt at once so relaxed and so charged, as if I could see the molecules of air that left his lungs, as if I could feel his cells working to keep him alive.
I had never been so aware of another person, and it scared me a little, the ride up into the sky before the drop, the entire world tilting below me.
“Hey, Cole?” I whispered.
“Yeah?” he replied, faraway and a little drowsy.
“I love you.”
“What?” The languid atmosphere in the room evaporated as he turned, rolling partway onto his back and craning his neck to look at me.
“Um —” I didn’t know why I had blurted it out.
Now that he was looking at me with his eyes wide and startled, it felt like I had done the wrong thing.
But he had seemed so sad, so alone — and it was true, I was realizing as I stared at him.
It had been coming on for so long that I hadn’t even thought to name it.
So many words building up inside me, so many things I would never manage to say.
Then his face softened, sunshine emerging from behind a cloud. “You crazy bastard, I love you too.”
“Really?” I ran my hand up his chest, along the line of his throat and into his hair as I cradled his face.
“So fucking much —” he whispered back, and launched himself into my arms.
We eventually made it to the beach that day, but it was much later than either of us had planned.
***
“Hey, I just have to take care of something here for a little bit, and then I’ll come down and let myself in, okay?” Cole was standing on the sidewalk in front of his grandmother’s house, holding onto the handlebars of his bike as he peered down into my face.
“Okay, just remember that my dad has been coming home around six, so we only have a couple of hours.”
“I’ll try to be quick. It’s just, you know —” He tossed his head, flashing me a dazzling grin. “You can’t rush perfection.”
I rolled my eyes. “If your head gets any bigger, you’re not going to be able to walk.”
“If that happens, you can just get a shopping cart for my head and wheel me around.” Still cackling, he headed into the house, and I continued down the hill, shaking my head as I went.
It was the perfect late April day, the whole neighborhood lush with new life, pale pink and tender green wherever I looked.
Cole and I had decided — well, we had decided that it was time.
We knew we loved each other and that we were ready, or at least I was pretty sure I was.
I was doing everything I could to squash down the butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation that was setting my skin crawling.
There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and we were going to be able to do this. I was going to be okay.
Back door, chipped paint, my keys warmed with my body heat as I drew them out of my pocket.
The kitchen just as I left it, every childhood memory in place, the thick scent of the pot roast I had set up in the crock pot before school because I didn’t want Dad to have a reason to question what I’d been up to all afternoon, not today.
I crossed the room and laid my hand on the glass lid, just long enough to register the comforting warmth through my palm, and inhaled slowly.
Meat. Home. Mom.
I made my way upstairs and through the door of my bedroom, kicking off my shoes and dropping my backpack by the door.
What was I supposed to do while I waited?
Should I get undressed? Brushing my teeth seemed like a good idea, so I padded across the hall to do that, the taste of mint bright on my tongue.
A minute and a half down, some unknown number to go.
I should have bought flowers, or candles or something, even if the artificial scents made my head hurt.
Cole deserved flowers. Was the meat smell from the kitchen too strong up here?
If I opened a window, would someone hear us?
Which was worse? Cole wouldn’t decide not to sleep with me because my house smelled too much like meat, would he?
Probably not. I mean, I didn’t think so. Hopefully.
Might as well open that window anyway. Fresh air would probably be good.
He’d probably be shocked if he walked in and I was naked.
Turned on? No, probably just shocked. I knew what I looked like.
But fuck, fumbling with clothes was awkward.
Maybe just my jeans. I had boxers on underneath, nice ones that didn’t have any holes in them for once.
Not that he’d ever been scared away by my clothes before. Why was this so fucking hard?
I folded my jeans carefully and placed them on a chair, then went to sit on the bed.
We should have done this in Cole’s room, where we would have had more space, but we didn’t want to do that with Sharon puttering around downstairs, so we were stuck with my dingy room, my narrow twin bed, my shelf of model planes staring at us from across the small space.
It had never seemed like a problem before, when we were pounding up the stairs after school, barely making it in the door before we were all over each other, but it didn’t feel like enough now.
For Cole, I wanted the world. I sat against the headboard, hugging my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth.
It might have been twenty minutes later when I heard the back door open and shut, followed by light, nimble footsteps on the stairs. I stashed the novel I’d been trying and failing to read under the bed, and did my best to look nonchalant as Cole poked his head in the door.
“Oh, baby, you’re freaking out.”
How did he know? How did he always know?
I didn’t know where to look, my hands opening and closing involuntarily as he crossed the room to kneel on the floor beside the bed.
Of course he was beautiful, his hair still a little damp from the shower, a pale pink T-shirt clinging to his slim torso, a bit of eyeliner bringing out the brilliant blue of his eyes.
And he was looking at me tenderly, with something that felt like love, something that felt too big for us to contain, and I knew I was going to shatter, that he was going to unmake me.
“Hey, Ezra?” He took my hand, stilling the motion with his own, and this definitely wasn’t the way I had wanted any of this to go. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If we just kiss, or if we sit and talk, that’s fine with me. We have our whole lives.”
“But I do want to —” I burst out.
“Then talk to me.” He rested a hand on my knee, and I let him turn me, planting my feet on the floor on either side of his body.
He ran his hands slowly up from my knees toward my hips, caressing my bare skin and stopping just before he reached the bottom hem of my boxers.
I was pretty sure I was about to combust. “You were fine a little while ago. So why don’t you tell me why you look like you’ve spent the entire time since I left you swallowing bees? ”
“It’s just —” I watched as his thumbs began to make small circles, grazing the sensitive skin high up on my inner thighs. “What if I’m not — good? I want this to be perfect for you.”
“Oh, honey —” Cole surged upwards as he wrapped his arms around my waist, elongating the line of his throat and pressing it against my chest as he brought our faces close together.
“It’s going to be wonderful. And if we don’t get it right the first time, we’re just going to keep practicing until we do, because I’m pretty sure that once we start this, I am never going to want to stop. ”
“Okay,” I said carefully. I brought my hands up to wind my fingers into his hair, as gently as if he were made of spun sugar.
“There’s one more thing, too,” Cole murmured, a half-smile lifting the corner of his mouth.
“What’s that?”
“You’re still you and I’m still me, and we are two fucking idiots in love, and neither of us has a single fucking clue what we’re doing. So no matter what happens, it’s going to be fun. I promise.”
“Cole —”