Chapter 13 #2
A soft, velvety darkness pressing against my consciousness, holding me down, keeping me still, secure.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been quite so comfortable, my eyes closed, my body weightless — except for the form draped over mine, the lips ghosting against my mouth, wandering along the line of my throat, the hand sliding over my belly, and down — down —
“Cole?”
I push myself up on my elbows in the dark, peering at the face that’s just inches from mine, and then I glance over the clock. 1:09 A.M.
“I’m sorry, baby —” His hands are moving even as he leans in to whisper into my ear, his hips rolling, his hard length against my thigh. “I missed you so much — I just had to —”
“It’s okay —”
I cradle his face with both hands, guiding his mouth back to mine, and the sound that comes out of him when our lips meet is almost a sob.
We slot together, and it’s like coming home, dreaming coasting into waking as naturally as breathing.
His hands are sliding up my sides, dragging my T-shirt with them, and I sit up, letting him remove it.
He’s already naked, and when I lie down again, he pulls my boxers off, then straddles my hips.
“Is this too fast?” he murmurs, even as he’s rocking against me, the cleft of his ass teasing my cock, making me want to bury myself to the hilt inside him.
“Fast, slow — fuck, I don’t care — I just want to go where you’re going —”
“Good —”
A slick hand circling my cock, sliding up and down, making sure I’m ready for him.
Then I reach down to hold myself steady, and he braces both hands on my chest, eyes shut in concentration, breathing deeply as he works his way down, his hips twitching as he moves.
When we’re finally joined together, he sighs, leaning down to kiss me, to core me out with his tongue as his inner walls ripple along the length of me.
And then he’s moving, his body undulating up and down as he presses his hands against me, his lips parted with pleasure.
I could lose myself just watching him. There’s no moon, but my curtains are open, and there’s just enough starlight to illuminate the rise and fall of his narrow chest, the hair tumbling over his shoulders.
The window is open, too, and I can just make out the gentle waves of the Sound, the freshness of the night air.
I wrap my hands around his waist to support him and plant my feet on the bed, and when I meet the fall of his hips with an upward thrust of my own, he lets out a soft cry of ecstasy.
“Oh fuck, I need — Ezra, please —”
He rolls off me and onto his back, and I take the hint, pushing myself up to knees and then settling between his spread legs, driving directly into the heart of him.
His eyes are open, fixed on my face, arms wrapped firmly around my neck, and as I begin to move, to give us both what we need, he pulls me down, tucking my face against his shoulder and putting his lips to my ear.
The words are barely coherent, half-muttered curses, my name over and over again, syllables that dash against the rocks of our shared pleasure.
And as even the consonants disappear, as only the vowels remain, shapes mixed with gasps, with ripples echoing deep inside him, with a hand that leaves my shoulder to snake between us, I can feel how close he is —
And I’m there too, all finesse melting into sheer need, into the longing for release, for spilling within him — and I can’t — I can’t —
“Cole!”
I’m tumbling down the mountain, spilling deep inside him, and he’s falling too, both of us crashing to earth. And he’s sobbing, hiding his face against my neck, and I let him, rocking him in my arms because he told me that this happens to him, because sometimes it’s so good that the dam breaks.
And later, when he’s tucked against my side, warm and clean and satisfied, I close my eyes and listen to him breathing, the waking turned to dreams once more.
***
“Ezra, are you up?”
A fist pounding on my door. Blue eyes sharing my pillow, wide with panic. The click of my doorknob as it turns.
I have just enough time to shove him underneath the covers and sit up, pulling them up around my waist, when Seth opens the door and pokes his head in.
“Oh, sorry I woke you — have you seen Cole? He’s not in his room and Bree is just wondering where he went.”
I shrug, scratching my bare chest and trying to blink through the fog of sleep. “Maybe he went for a walk? It looks like a nice day.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Seth starts to close the door, but then sticks his head back in. “I’m making pancakes, if you want some.”
“Thanks, I’ll be down in a minute.”
As soon as he closes the door, Cole emerges from the covers, nearly falling out of the bed as he scrambles to find his discarded briefs on the floor.
“Shit shit shit, I’m sorry — why the fuck didn’t I bring any clothes with me — meant to sneak out before everybody woke up but it was so fucking nice —”
“Cole, slow down, it’s not the end of the world —”
But he’s not listening to me, darting to the closet and wrenching the door open. “I am not outing you. Are there any beach towels in here?”
“Bottom drawer of the dresser. But Cole —”
He slings a towel around his shoulders, and crosses to the window, pushing up the screen.
“Cole, you’re crazy — we’re on the second floor —”
“It’s not too bad of a drop to the roof of the sunroom —”
He already has one leg out the window, but he turns back, grabbing me by the hand and kissing me once, hard.
Then he pinches my bare ass and slings his other leg over the sill.
He jumps down onto the sunroom roof, then edges across it.
From there, it’s not too far to the ground.
He lets himself down into the soft grass, waves back at me, and then books it across the back lawn, heading straight for the Sound.
He sprints along the dock, dropping the towel as he goes, and when he reaches the end, he dives gracefully into the water.
“We could have just told them,” I whisper, and I close the screen.
When I walk into the kitchen five minutes later, dressed in clean pajama pants and an old shirt, Cole is just coming in the back door, dripping wet, the towel wrapped around his waist.
“We were wondering what happened to you!” Bree trills, looking up from her plate.
Cole pushes his wet hair off his face. “Yeah, well — I woke up early, and the water looked so inviting that I just had to go for a swim, so here I am.”
Bree lifts an eyebrow. “That water is freezing cold.”
“Yeah, uh —” Cole looks down at his chest, and even I can see that he’s shivering. “I think I’m gonna run upstairs and take a quick shower. Be back in a minute.”
As he turns to leave, he winks at me, and I grin back. But honestly, I’m starting to wonder what the fuck we’re doing here.
***
“Come on, it’s Friday night!” Bree wheedles. “You never want to do anything fun anymore.”
“Please, babe, take pity on an old man.” Cole is lying on the couch, his arms folded over his face. “We’ve been running around all day, and I don’t think I have the energy to drag my ass all the way back to P-town.”
Bree huffs, sitting down and hugging a pillow to her chest. “We haven’t gone dancing together in ages. There’s this new club —”
“Yeah, and we spent all afternoon out in the sun whale watching, and I almost hurled —”
“I did hurl,” I interject, then push my way off the couch to walk into the kitchen for another beer. I’ve never done well on small boats.
“Yeah, sorry about that —” Seth calls after me with a grin.
“But we saw four whales, didn’t we?” Bree declares triumphantly. “And a sunfish!”
Cole points to Seth. “Why don’t you take your fiance instead? I’ll hang out here with Ezra and we’ll play Monopoly.”
I wonder if he’ll let me pass GO and collect $200.
Back in the living room, Seth is settling in next to Bree. “I bet I’m not as good of a dancer as you are.”
“You’re fine, baby,” Bree coos, patting his thigh. “But we’re getting married, which means we have to live vicariously through Coley’s terrible choices. Come on, I’ll be your wingwoman.”
Cole grabs another cushion and pretends to hide beneath it.
“You know, I bet I know what his real problem is,” Bree says slyly, and Cole peeks at her from underneath the cushion.
“What’s my real problem?”
“You don’t want to go out and hook up because you’re in love with that closet case from New York,” she declares. “You haven’t wanted to do anything fun since you started seeing him —”
Time is standing still, and there’s a rushing in my ears. The kitchen light is flickering slightly, the granite cold under my palms.
“Bree, no —” Cole turns to look at me, his blue eyes stricken.
But Bree and Seth don’t see what’s happening, don’t see the iceberg in front of them, so Seth chuckles. “There’s a boyfriend in the city? Nobody told me —”
“I wouldn’t say a boyfriend, exactly. More like some fuckboy who keeps making Coley cry because he won’t commit and —”
I’m out the back door before I hear any more.
Purple sky, streaked with the last rays of the sun, long since sunk below the horizon. Pavement scratching my bare feet as I run, then wet grass, the Sound in front of me, waves licking the shore. The whoosh of the glass door behind me.
“Ezra!”
Cole’s voice is ragged with anguish, but I can’t look, can’t turn, can’t breathe — chest tight, skin tight, fists tight, my brain a broken kaleidoscope spitting senseless images, looking for the patterns I missed — have to stop it, have to shut it — fists pounding against the sides of my head —
“N-n-n-n- baby, no!” Cole is in front of me, his hands grabbing my wrists, trying to pull me in, to hug me against his chest. But I’m stronger and heavier, and I break his hold. And we’re a few feet apart, both breathing hard, and the distance between us might as well be a canyon.
“What the — what the fuck, Cole?” It’s all I can manage to force past my lips, my thoughts jamming together, too fast for me to process.
“I’m sorry —” He’s already crying, and it feels like a knife between my ribs. “You weren’t supposed to find out like that —”
“Find out what? That I’m making you miserable? So much so that you need to tell Bree about it?”
“It’s not like that — please, Ezra —”
“Nnnnnhh —” Then what is it like? The words are right there — I can see them written in the air — but I can’t force them out, can’t form my mouth around them. My fingers are twisting in my hair, tugging at my curls, and Cole steps forward, putting his hands on my shoulders.
The tear tracks are glistening on his cheeks. “Please, baby — you’re freaking out — please just breathe for me —”
“No!” I break away again, and he jumps back like I slapped him. “You’re always —” Wet grass, cool air, dark sky. Lungs full of air. “You always try to smooth it for me — like I’m a child —”
“No —”
“Like I can’t do it myself —”
“It’s not —” He’s gulping for air too, looking up at the sky as if for guidance. “Ezra, I’m in love with you.”
The words burn me like acid. “You’re not.”
“What —” He opens and closes his mouth a few times. “How the fuck —”
“You don’t get to say that to me. You don’t get to smooth this over.
Because you fucking lie —” Somehow it’s easier, the angrier I get, making the words come.
“You said you didn’t want a relationship when we started this, but obviously you fucking do.
You always tell me you’re fine, but you’re not.
Back then —” I wave my hand into the past. “Now — You hide shit from me, because you think I can’t take it — because you think I’m damaged —”
“Ezra, I don’t think that —”
“What about last month?” My hands are waving now, my fists opening and closing in midair.
“You come out to Brooklyn — something is clearly fucking wrong — but you tell me you’re fine and we fuck and you lose your shit — and I know I’m a stupid fucking asshole and I’m shit at understanding things but I still want to know what’s going on with you —”
Cole hangs his head. “It was the anniversary of the day Gram died.”
It’s my turn to stop in my tracks. “What?”
“Two years.” He takes a shuddering breath. “I just didn’t want to be alone.”
I feel like I’m seeing him for the first time. “And you don’t think I would have understood that. That I would have been able to talk to you about it.”
“Sorry, I forgot that you’re the only one who’s allowed to know anything about grief.”
I open my mouth and shut it again, and I think he sees his mistake, because his eyes go wide.
“Ezra, fuck, I didn’t mean —”
“Go fuck yourself, Cole.” I turn on my heel and stalk back towards the house.
He’s trotting behind me, calling me, trying to pull me back.
But I break his grip and I keep walking, through the darkness and into the too-bright house, past the shocked faces of Bree and Seth, up the stairs.
I have to get out. I can’t stay here anymore, knowing everyone’s looking at me, that Bree knows some version of the story of me and Cole that might or might not be the truth, that Seth is seeing all the worst parts of me.
Cole is pleading with me, but I can’t process the words over the buzzing in my ears, over the incessant beating of my heart.
On the landing, I open my rideshare app to see how quickly a driver can arrive to take me to the bus depot in Hyannis. Six minutes. It’s enough.
“Please don’t go —” Cole pleads as I empty my drawers, as I stuff everything back into my duffel bag. “Please just sleep on it — we can talk tomorrow —”
“I can’t —”
“Or at least let me drive you — I’ll take you to the bus station if you let me explain —”
I shove past him and thunder down the stairs with my bag, stopping at the door to shove my feet into my sneakers before I push my way out into the night.
He’s still behind me. “Ezra, please talk to me —”
“Go back inside, Cole.”
The car pulls up, and I climb into the backseat. I don’t even look back. And as we head down the road, as Bree’s house recedes behind me, as I rest my head on the seat, it occurs to me that it’s twelve years ago all over again.
Only this time, I’m the one who’s leaving.