Chapter 18 #2
Cole tilts his head to the side as he considers this. “You know, I had thought it would be really sad, or even worse, that it would feel — I don’t know, spooky somehow. But it actually feels like the opposite. I feel like she’s here, but she’s happy, because we’ve finally figured our shit out.”
“I know what you mean.” I glance over at the bed, and I can almost hear Sharon’s voice. “You know that Mom died at home, too. And we got used to it, somehow, knowing that. And if she’s still there — I hope she’s proud of me.”
“She is,” Cole replies emphatically. “But hey — that’s not why I called you in here. Look over there.”
He nods at the vanity mirror, and I look at it for the first time. All along the bottom, there are bits of ephemera tucked into the frame, an elderly lady’s life distilled into moments — school pictures of Cole at various ages, prayer cards, movie tickets, newspaper clippings, and —
“Son of a bitch —” I breathe.
In the corner of the frame is the picture of Cole and me, the one Sharon took before prom.
We’re both in our tuxes, trying so hard to look more sophisticated than we were.
Cole has his arms wrapped around my waist, hugging me close.
And I’m leaning back against him, my head resting on his shoulder, laughing at the forgotten nonsense that he’s whispering into my ear.
Fuck, we thought we were being slick, but it’s obvious that we were desperately in love.
“Did she know? About you and me?” It’s the obvious question, I guess.
Cole hesitates. “At the time — she suspected, but she didn’t say anything about it.
She certainly knew I was gay, because she knew the whole story about what happened at school.
And after everything that happened — I guess she just knew me too well, and it all came out.
She was always trying to convince me to reach out to you, and I guess she hoped I would pull my head out of my ass and figure it out. ”
“I mean, I’ve had my head buried in your ass, and it’s not a bad place to be,” I remark, and Cole snorts.
“You know, nobody in our lives would believe me if I told them how unrepentantly horny you are.” He reaches for the photograph, plucking it out of the frame, only to find a second one tucked behind it. “Oh, shit — what’s this?”
It’s another photograph from prom night, but seemingly a much more conventional one.
Cole and Courtney, Hannah and me, lined up in front of Sharon’s hydrangeas.
Cole and I both have our arms around our dates, cheesy grins plastered on our faces for the camera, and we look exactly the way we’re supposed to look.
But of course, we both know the reality, and for a moment we’re solemn, both lost in thought.
Cole breaks the silence first, a bit of an edge creeping into his voice. “Whatever happened with you and Hannah? Did you two ever — you know —”
He makes an odd gesture with his hand and I burst out laughing.
“Oh fuck, of course I never told you — have you been worried about that all these years?” I look over at Cole, and he cocks an eyebrow at me.
“Dude, Hannah is G-A-Y gay. She found me at school the Monday morning after prom and came out to me. And then she pretended to be my girlfriend for the rest of the school year so that people wouldn’t start rumors about me.
But nothing ever actually, you know — happened. ”
“Really?” Cole is laughing too, pushing his hair back from his forehead.
“Yeah, really. She told me she was going to Smith to major in rug munching and I guess she did because I lost touch with her about two months after we left for college and I haven’t heard from her since.”
“Jeez, that’s a load off my mind.” Cole stares at his own reflection in the mirror, chewing his lip. Then he starts to giggle once more. “Of all the girls in our high school, the one girl you have a crush on is the only one who is categorically completely unavailable to you —”
I shrug. “Wasn’t the only time that ever happened to me, either. I guess I’m just attracted to queer girls.”
Cole is grinning at me, his eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hair, and I give him a playful shove that nearly sends him off the bench.
“I told you — I do not understand women.”
As our laughter subsides, we both look down at the picture, our youthful faces staring back up at us. Cole reaches out, touching Courtney’s smile with the tip of his finger. “I ran into her, you know. About five years ago.”
“Really? Where?”
“I was down here visiting Gram, and she needed me to go to the grocery store for her,” Cole explains.
“Courtney was there, and she had two little kids in her shopping cart screaming their heads off, so she couldn’t really talk.
But I gave her my number and we ended up meeting for coffee the next day. ”
He sighs, and I sling an arm around his back, resting my head on his shoulder.
“I hated her for the longest time,” he says. “You know, I blamed her for everything — but she had a point. It should never have gone that far. I used her, and it was really shitty of me. And that’s what I told her when we met up. It ended up being sort of cathartic, actually.”
I pick up the photo of the two of us, studying our faces, the way we’re gazing at each other. “We all could have done things differently. I can’t tell you how much I wanted that night back, how much I wish it was different. All the things I should have said —”
“Hey, let’s not do that anymore.” Cole lifts my chin, his lips brushing over mine. “Today, with your dad — you were so fucking brave going in there. And I cannot wait to tell the whole world you’re mine. We have the rest of our lives, and we’re going to make up for every minute we lost.”
“Mmm, starting with this crazy wedding we have to attend —” I sigh, my eyes focused on his mouth.
Cole pulls back just enough to look at me. “All your relatives and Bree’s relatives and several D-list celebrities, four weeks from today. Do you think you’re ready?”
“As long as you’re there?” I can feel the grin spreading across my face. “Bring it the fuck on.”