Chapter 18
Eighteen
Hey, Dad
“YOU KNOW, brEE, in encouraging this, I think we might have created a monster.”
Seth is looking at me in the rearview mirror, and I can see that the corners of his eyes are crinkled in a smile.
I’m reclining across the backseat, tucked underneath Cole’s outstretched arm.
Knowing full well that Seth is watching, I reach up and hook my arm around the back of Cole’s neck, pulling him down for a lingering kiss.
In the front seat, Bree snorts. “I think this is just an invitation for us to up the PDA, babe. See who breaks first.”
“Mmm, you will lose —” Cole murmurs against my lips. He slips a hand into the collar of my T-shirt, his fingers sliding down my upper chest. “Because now that this one is letting me kiss him in public, I am never going to stop.”
We’re in Seth’s car on the way to see Dad at the hospital, hurtling down Route 36 with the ocean spread out to our left.
Cole was right about Bree — when we walked in the back door hand in hand a little while ago, she squealed, hugging both of us at the same time.
And it’s surprising how natural it feels, just being ourselves, letting everyone see how much we care about each other.
Already, it feels as simple as breathing.
When we get to the hospital, I don’t let go of Cole as we make our way through the corridors and up to the visitors’ waiting room.
And hey, the walls don’t fall down. No one runs away screaming, and nothing goes wrong.
As we ride the elevator up to the floor for admitted patients, Cole holds my hand, and Seth winks at us, his arm around Bree’s shoulders.
And I can see it all now, a life stretching out before us, a family where we belong.
Only two visitors are allowed into Dad’s room at a time, so Seth and I leave Cole and Bree in the waiting room. Before I go, Cole pulls me into a hug, holding me close and murmuring into my ear.
“It’s going to be fine,” he whispers. “Your dad is a good guy, deep down. And no matter what happens, you know how much I love you.”
“I love you too, Cole — so fucking much.”
My palms are sweating as Seth and I walk through the double doors, tension settling between my shoulders.
Nobody looks at us as we pass by, the doctors and nurses going about their business.
There’s a smell of cleaning supplies in the air, and breakfast foods, and a few other things I don’t exactly want to quantify.
Even though I know Cole is probably right, I’m shaking.
But I keep my head down and I put one foot in front of the other and I try to remind myself that it’s all going to be over soon.
Dad is sitting up in bed, demolishing a plate of French toast. “Boys!” He waves us into the room, grinning. “Come on in and sit down.”
Seth crosses the room first, shaking Dad’s hand as he sits. I follow a little more cautiously.
“You look good, Dad,” Seth is saying. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine at the moment, now that they’re letting me eat and keeping me full of drugs.
” Dad shakes his head. “But boys, it’s a mess.
They have a whole list of instructions for me — how to stand up, how to get dressed, how to take a shit — and they say they’re gonna put me in a rehab facility for a few weeks to teach me how to live my life again. ”
“Oh yeah, they were telling us about that last night,” Seth replies. “Maybe now you’ll be more careful when you’re out on a job site —”
“That’s what I said yesterday,” I cut in, rolling my eyes.
“No more ladders for me,” Dad agrees. “From now on, I’ll be supervising, and that’s it — that is, if I ever figure out how to move this hip again.”
We fall into an easy patter, and it’s nice spending time together. I’m probably too hard on Dad and Seth. But after a few minutes, Seth looks at me significantly, and lets out a theatrical yawn.
“Damn, I’m tired — must have been all that driving yesterday. I’m gonna go look for a cup of coffee — Ezra, do you want anything?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
Seth leaves the room, and suddenly my heart is back in my throat, struggling to make a break for it. I swallow hard, willing it to stay where it belongs, and then I open my mouth.
“Hey, Dad —”
But he says “Hey, Ezra —” at the same time, and then we’re both frozen, staring at each other.
I wave my hand. “Um — You first.”
Dad looks down at his plate, dragging a piece of French toast through a lake of syrup. “I was just going to say that it was nice to see Sharon’s boy yesterday. And also to ask — whether you and he are back together.”
It takes me a second to process, but when I realize what he said, I stare at him.
“You knew —”
Dad shrugs. “I saw you kissing him one day, when he was dropping you off after school. I figured — oh, I don’t know. I thought he wasn’t going to get you pregnant, so it was none of my business.”
“Actually, it would have been me getting him — you know what, never mind.” I run both hands through my hair, tugging on my curls. “You fucking knew —”
“I did, and I thought — well, that you would tell me when you wanted me to know. But you never did, so — I figured maybe it was time.”
I’m not sure whether the noise that comes out of me is a laugh or a sob or a half-formed curse word. “All this time — I thought you might be —”
“Ezra, I don’t care that you’re gay.”
“I’m bi.” I stare at my knee as it jiggles up and down. “I’ve been with women too.”
Dad waves a hand. “I’m not up on all the lingo.
But I just thought you should know — Son, your mother would have handled this better.
She would have known what to say. When she left us — I was never quite sure what to do with you.
But I was always grateful to that boy for putting a smile on your face. ”
“Jesus Christ, Dad —” I sit back in my chair, dazed, and the plastic flexes against my spine. “God, if I knew I could just — I almost lost him.”
There’s a lump in my throat, and my eyes are blurry. I blink the tears away quickly.
I didn’t know Dad could look at me so shrewdly. “Seems like you haven’t lost him, though, if what I saw yesterday is any indication.”
“No, I guess I haven’t.” I blow out my breath slowly. The tile floor is firm under my feet, and I brush my hands over the rough denim covering my thighs. “Shit, Dad, I had a whole speech planned.”
“Well, you don’t have to make a big thing out of it. I’m just glad you’re happy.”
Just then, Seth pokes his head around the doorframe, a cup of coffee from the vending machine in his hand. “Everything okay in here?”
“We’re fine,” Dad says. “Ezra was just telling me about him and Cole.”
Seth is looking at me kindly, but I’m standing up abruptly. “I have to go talk to him.”
I’m already halfway out the door when Dad calls after me. “Send my future daughter-in-law in here, will you? She’s a hoot.”
It takes me almost no time to make it back to the waiting room. When he sees me, Cole starts halfway out of his chair, his eyes like saucers.
“Ezra, what —”
But I don’t care who’s watching us. I cross the carpet in four long strides, and I’m grabbing him by the hand, yanking him to his feet so that I can throw my arms around his neck and pull him down into a kiss.
He’s laughing, and I’m laughing, and his hands are in my hair and we are the only two people on the planet. And for once in my life, I know for sure —
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
***
“Hey, Ezra? Could you come in here for a sec?” Cole’s voice is coming from the back of the house, and he sounds a little strange.
“Be right there —” I climb out of bed and put my T-shirt and boxers back on.
When Cole and I got back from the hospital a few hours ago, we couldn’t get our clothes off fast enough, falling into bed almost as soon as Bree and Seth left us alone.
Since then, I’ve been slipping in and out of consciousness, all the stress of the past month finally catching up with me.
Cole must have wandered off while I was snoozing.
I pad out of Cole’s bedroom and into the hall.
At the far end, the door to Sharon’s old bedroom is open, light shining onto the carpet, and I realize with a start that I’ve actually never been inside.
I make my way down the hall to a room that reminds me very much of Cole’s — quaint decor, antique furniture, a heavy wood bed frame that sits high off the floor with a white counterpane embroidered all over with violets.
There are lace curtains, and through them I can see the spread of Raritan Bay, and beyond that, the Atlantic Ocean, still visible in the last streaks of twilight that cross the sky.
But at first, the room appears to be empty.
“Cole?”
“Right here.” He pokes his head out of a small alcove around the corner from the bedroom door, and I cross the room to join him in the narrow space.
There’s a dresser and a vanity with a low bench, just wide enough for two people.
Cole is seated, a white robe pulled haphazardly over his boxers, and I sit down beside him.
“I haven’t been in this room in years,” he begins, his voice a little hollow.
“Gram — she had a stroke one night while she was sleeping. She had invited a few friends over to play cards the next day, and when they couldn’t get in, they called the police — Good thing, too, or else it might have been a couple of days until they found her. ”
I reach out to take his hand, twining his fingers in mine.
“When she died, and I found out she left the house to me — I think she wanted me to have something that was mine, that my parents couldn’t take away from me no matter what.
And I’m grateful, but I hadn’t even stepped foot in the house until the night of Bree and Seth’s engagement party, after — after I left you.
And I couldn’t bear to come in here at all. ”
I give his hand a squeeze. “What do you think, now that you’re in here?”