Chapter 19 #3
“Do you really think I’m going to sit here with wine in my hand—well, an empty glass of wine in hand—and no baby and not talk about the man you’ve been fucking?”
“No, but I was going to put up an effort to avoid it.”
“Nice try. Now, tell me why you’re just having sex but nothing else. I thought you guys were getting close. Wasn’t he your pretend boyfriend for the wedding?”
“He was,” I say, “but ever since then, I don’t know what to say to him. He’s different in my eyes.”
“How so?” Penny asks.
“I told you,” I groan. “He shook me. I can’t look at him the same. He’s a completely different man, all alpha and demanding. It’s like one night unleashed an entirely different human.”
“Yeah, but have you even given him the chance to talk to you? Aren’t you avoiding him?”
“Yes,” I answer before tipping back the rest of my wine. We’re going to need to open another bottle.
“Then how do you know what it would be like with him if you’re just fucking each other and not talking? You need to talk to him.”
“How do I even do that? I can barely look at him when we aren’t in the bedroom.”
Penny thinks about it for a second, then when her eyes land on my phone, she says, “Text him.”
“Come on.” I roll my eyes.
“I’m serious. This is a great way to break down that awkward boundary.”
“Uh-huh, and what do I say to him?”
“I don’t know, maybe be direct. Ask him if it’s always going to be awkward with him.”
I’m about to tell her that’s the most ridiculous suggestion I’ve ever heard, but then I think about it for a second. The idea has merit. Just ask him. No beating around the bush, no small talk, get straight to the point.
Then again, is that what I want? What happens when we do talk? Where do I want this to lead?
“I don’t even know where I want this to go with him.”
“Valid.” Penny nods her head. “Do you like him?”
I roll my teeth over my bottom lip as I avoid eye contact.
“I mean, I think there’s always been a small piece of me that liked Halsey, even when I first met him.
I always thought he was sweet and kind and not ruggedly stupid like the other guys.
He was soft-spoken, which I found fascinating for a hockey player.
More subdued. And of course, it’s hard not to look past how handsome he is. ”
I pull my legs into my chest and rest my arms on my knees. “And then when I started living with him, I found out that he has a great sense of humor. We joked around a lot, and he became a good friend. So yeah, I think I’ve always liked him.” As a person. Never thought I’d want to date the guy.
“Then the sex should be the cherry on top of the cake.”
“But . . . I don’t think I know him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sure, I’ve gotten to know him while living with him, and he’s talked about his brother, but a side of him comes out when we’re intimate, a side I never expected.
I think about what the boys have said, what you have said, that he used to be more lively, more energetic before his brother passed.
Makes me wonder, do I actually like the real guy?
Or do I like a veil of the man he portrays himself as? ”
“Wow,” Penny says. “I guess I never thought about it that way. Eli has mentioned how different Halsey used to be.”
“And with this change I’ve seen in him when we’re intimate, it just makes me believe there is so much more to him that he’s not showing. I’m nervous it won’t be the man I like.”
Penny slowly nods her head. “Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.
” She picks up my phone and hands it over to me.
“Text him. Worst-case scenario, he’s not the man you started to like, and you can move on.
But you can’t keep fucking and not talking.
If you like him, find out if you like all of him. ”
She’s right.
The sex is amazing, but I can’t keep avoiding him. There are only so many times I can go into work early, and when I start the new job, there will be no escape, not until I find a new place at least.
Might as well text him . . .
HALSEY
I toss my bag on my bed, then flop backward, my hands covering my face as I feel the need to scream.
She took the fucking job.
I can’t believe it.
After everything we’ve done together. It wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough for her to stay.
I’m not fucking enough.
And isn’t that a tough fucking pill to swallow?
Knock. Knock.
One hundred bucks says that’s Pacey checking in on me.
I lift from my bed, open my hotel room door, and sure enough, it’s Pacey.
“Not now, dude,” I say, shaking my head.
“Posey wanted me to check on you. He’s still nursing his stomach.”
“Tell him I’m fine.” I go to shut the door, but Pacey puts his hand out, stopping me.
“I know you’re not fine.”
“Okay, how about this? I want to be left the fuck alone.”
Pacey nods. “Yup, that works.”
And then I shut the door, moving back into the room just as a text dings on my phone.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I mutter, knowing it’s probably Posey.
Wanting to shut them all up, I grab my phone to text the group but pause when I see Blakely’s name.
Immediately, my stomach flips, and I sit up on my bed as I open it.
Blakely: Will it always be this awkward between us?
Okay, not what I was expecting to read. Then again, I don’t know what I expected her to say. We haven’t said anything to each other since we started having sex.
For a brief second, I consider asking the boys for help on this, but in all honesty, I think I’m in this goddamn mess because I’ve been doing this whole thing their way. Far too many cooks have been in the kitchen, and I think it’s time I handle this relationship with Blakely on my own.
No more “main hole” comments.
No more advice on how to make her fall for me.
And no more group texts that give me more anxiety than help me.
If I want Blakely, then I’m going to do this on my own.
Halsey: No. I don’t want it to be awkward.
I kick off my shoes and sit back against the headboard, waiting for her to text back.
Blakely: I don’t want it to be awkward either. I miss talking to you.
“Fuck,” I mutter as I rub my eyes. I should have been talking to her this whole time, but this is also not something I want to discuss over texts.
Halsey: I miss talking to you too, Blakely.
Blakely: Then maybe we can have a conversation about . . . everything.
Halsey: I’d like that, but not like this. Not over text. When I get back, we’ll talk.
Blakely: Okay.
Halsey: But have you had a good day?
Blakely: Yeah, it’s been good. Penny’s over tonight. Child free. Someone opened a few bottles of wine.
Halsey: Someone might have a headache come tomorrow morning when her baby wakes her up.
Blakely: Ha ha. Most likely the someone who supplied the glasses too.
Halsey: That would be my guess as well. I’ll be thinking of you wearing my shirt tonight. I’ll miss having you next to me.
Blakely: Same. I look forward to when you come back. Until then . . . I’ll take care of Sherman.
Halsey: Thank you. Have a good night.
Blakely: You too, and good luck tomorrow.
I toss my phone to the side and drag my hands over my face.
Fuck . . . this will easily be the worst away trip ever because now I have to wait. Thank God it’s only one game. If this was a longer road trip, I’m not sure I’d be able to wait that long to talk.
Now I have to figure out what I want to say to her.
First things first, she’s going to find out how I feel.
Second thing, ask her out on a real date.
Third thing . . . get her to stay somehow.
“Drive safe,” Posey calls out to me as I get into my car and slam the door.
I’ve never loved a five thirty game time more now than ever. After crushing our neighbor team, the Beavers, we were able to take showers, hop on the plane, and take the quick one-hour flight, giving us plenty of time to get home, which is exactly what I’m doing.
I’m racing home.
The adrenaline from the game still pumps through me, and I want nothing more than to go up to Blakely and tell her exactly how I feel.
Especially after the game we had. A win of four to two, I don’t think I’ve ever skated better, even with my ankle feeling slightly sore. I tore around the ice, tracking the puck, feeling the presence of my teammates, and connecting with them harmoniously on the ice.
It felt good, and I’ll play off that feeling and take what I want.
The boys—especially Posey—have tried to talk to me about Blakely but I’ve shut it down. All of it. I’ve buried myself in my book, ignored the outside world and chatter, and I’ve remained composed as I’ve planned what I’m going to say to Blakely when I see her.
My hands grip the steering wheel tightly as I pull out onto the main road. It’s not that far from the private airport to my apartment, but it’s long enough for me to feel itchy with anticipation.
I just hope she’s still awake. If she’s not, I plan on waking her up .
What I have to say can’t wait. I can only hope that once she knows how I feel, that she’ll see why I’ve tried so hard to win her.
I’ve fucked up time and time again, but I hope she’ll see past those blunders, see past my awkwardness, and know that she means the world to me.
And that I hope she feels something similar for me too. And that she’ll stay...with me.
As I drive through the empty roads, the streetlights casting over me like a spotlight, I feel the presence of Holden fall over me.
He’d think I was such an idiot, the way I’ve handled this entire situation.
He would have told me from the beginning to ask her out.
From the moment I first laid eyes on her, he would have told me to wiggle myself into her life, even if she did have a boyfriend.
Not the best advice, but I know right now he’d be saying, “I told you so. Should have been honest with her from the beginning.”
And it’s times like this, where I feel so disconnected, that I miss him more than ever. He was the guy who’d help me pull it all together. He grounded me.