Chapter 19 #4
I love my guys, and I know I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them, but sometimes, it isn’t the same as having my twin brother . . . or my big brother, Hayden. Or my parents.
My throat grows tight thinking about the loss our family has suffered.
Not just from losing Holden, but the disconnect between my family after he passed.
Holden and I were so close with Hayden, and now that he’s in California with his wife and their kid, I’m .
. . I’m so far removed that I don’t even know how old my nephew is.
I know nothing about him. Is he playing hockey?
If Holden were alive, he’d be ashamed of all of us.
He wouldn’t want it like this.
“Fuck,” I grumble as tears spring to my eyes. “Not now.” I wipe them away, and I take a deep breath.
I can’t focus on my family, and its pitiful demise. I need to focus on Blakely.
And that’s what I do. I set my mind on her and her alone, blocking out the rest of the noise.
When I pull into my parking spot at the apartment, I barely put the car in park before I’m out the door. I grab my duffel bag, sling it over my shoulder, then head straight up to the apartment, thankful there’s an elevator ready for me.
Nerves pulse through me as I reach my floor and walk to my door.
You can do this.
She deserves to know how you feel, and she doesn’t want it to be awkward anymore, so this is it.
Take your shot.
I open the door to a dimly lit apartment. Blakely is curled on the couch with the TV on. When she sees me, she lifts to a more seated position.
“Oh . . . wow, you’re back fast.”
I shut the door behind me and set my bag on the ground. “Short trip,” I answer.
“I can see that.” She rubs her eyes, then turns off the TV. “I guess I didn’t realize what time it was. I had a cup of coffee because I slept during the game and wanted to stay awake. I think it’s done its job.”
I nod but don’t move because fuck, I feel frozen. Now that she’s here, right in front of me, I’ve lost all of my words, everything I’ve prepared to say to her.
She looks me up and down and says, “Well, I guess I should get to bed.” She stands from the couch and folds her blanket before draping it over the couch’s armrest.
Say something, Halsey.
Tell her how you feel.
Don’t let her walk away to get ready for bed when this sits heavily on your chest.
But as she starts to head toward her room, I know I’m losing it.
The moment is slipping from me.
And panic starts to set in.
“I like you,” I call out, pausing her retreat.
Slowly, she turns around, her hair floating over her shoulder as her surprised eyes connect with mine. “What?” she asks.
Jesus Christ, Halsey, be softer.
I let out a heavy breath and take a step forward.
“I like you, Blakely. I’ve liked you for a very long fucking time.
Since the day I first met you. And I, fuck .
. .” I pull on the back of my neck. “I never made a move because I respected the fact that you had a boyfriend, even though it pained me, so I kept to myself.” I take another step forward, keeping my gaze on hers, trying to read her neutral expression.
She’s giving me nothing to work with. “But that entire time you were with Perry, I felt like you belonged with me. And when you broke up, I felt like I had a chance, but I didn’t handle it properly.
” I push my hand through my hair. “I actually handled it in all the wrong ways. I should have just asked you out on a date, but instead, I tried . . . I tried to show you that I have potential to be someone you could like and, Jesus, it was stupid.”
“Is that what you want?” she asks. “To ask me out on a date?”
“Yes,” I say, feeling the desperation in my voice.
“I want to take you out, Blakely. I want to talk. I want to have a relationship more than what we do in the bedroom. When you said you missed talking to me, I felt the same thing, deep in my soul. And I know I should have said this sooner, but fuck . . . I want you to give me a chance. Desperately. I want to see where this connection between us could go.” I close the space between us, growing so close that if I reach out I could take her hand in mine.
I could press my palm to her cheek. I could hold her close to my chest. “And I know that you took a new job, that you’ll be leaving, but I would—”
“I’m not leaving.”
“What?” I ask.
“I took the job, but I’m not moving. I’m staying here.”
“R-really?” I ask, hope surging through my chest.
She nods. “I’m not going anywhere other than trying to figure out where to set up a home office. I didn’t want to leave Vancouver. I love it here.”
“Fuck, seriously?” I ask as I drag my hand over my hair.
“Seriously.” She smiles.
“Jesus.” I let out a heavy breath.
“Does that change anything that you said?”
My eyes snap up to hers. “No,” I say quickly. “It changes nothing. It only makes it easier on me. I was trying to figure out how to do this long distance.”
She smiles that gorgeous smile that I fell for the first day I met her. “Well, no need to worry about that. I’m not going anywhere.”
I’m a little shocked and having a hard time processing everything. Relief floods through me, but there is one thing I know, and it’s that I want to date this woman. I want to show her that we’re perfect for each other.
So I reach out and take her hand in mine. Looking her in the eyes, I say, “Then can I take you out on a date tomorrow night?”
Her fingers tighten around mine. “I’d like that.”
A euphoric feeling beats through me. She said yes. I had the fucking courage to ask her out, to take my chance with this amazing woman, and she said yes, which means the opportunity is there.
The opportunity to make her mine.
I lift her hand to my lips, and I press a soft kiss to her knuckles. “Then it’s a date.”
She smirks and then leans in. Standing on her toes, she kisses my lips softly before pulling away. “It’s a date.”
She releases my hand, and she walks off to her bedroom, where she shuts the door.
I grip my hands together on the top of my head and let out another deep breath.
Fuck, I did it.
A large smile spreads across my lips.
I fucking did it.
Turning away from her, I grab my duffel bag and head into my bedroom, where I strip down and get ready for bed, thinking how proud Holden would be. If he were here right now, I’d text him that she said yes, and he’d probably say something like, “Finally, you dickhead. Took you long enough.”
Just the thought of it makes me chuckle as I finish brushing my teeth.
I turn off the light to the bathroom just as Blakely walks into my bedroom wearing the shirt I gave her to wear.
My mouth goes dry as I take in how the fabric nearly swallows her up, draping well past her elbows on the sleeves, and the hem hits her mid-thigh.
I move my hand over my mouth, looking her up and down with a slight shake of my head.
“That looks amazing on you.”
“It’s my favorite shirt to wear.”
“Good,” I answer as I take her hand and lead her to her side of the bed. I pull back the sheets and comforter and help her into bed. That makes her smile.
I lean down and kiss her head before moving to my side of the bed and slipping under the covers. I turn off the light and roll toward her. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into my chest, where I nuzzle my head against her neck.
“Is this okay?” I ask her.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” she asks.
“I don’t know the limits now that I’m taking you out. I feel like the paradigm has shifted. I want to make sure I’m not doing anything that’s crossing the line.”
She chuckles. “Halsey, your face has been buried between my legs, so snuggling is not crossing a line.”
I laugh and kiss the side of her neck. “I don’t want to assume I can touch you.”
“Touch me all you want,” she whispers as she brings my hand under her shirt. “I love feeling you against me.”
Fuck, and I love feeling her. Every inch of her.
But I’m also afraid that if I have access to her body, we’ll be in the same position we were before, when all we did was fuck and not talk. And even though that was so goddamn amazing, I know that there’s so much more to us than that.
“I think I want to take it slow with you.”
That makes her laugh again. “Slow? I’d be interested to see what your fast is, if this has been slow.”
“What we were doing was feral desperation to feel what I’ve wanted to feel for over a year. But I don’t want our intimacy to define who we are as a couple. I want to talk, date, and get to know you on a deeper level.”
She turns so she’s on her back and looking up at me.
“So do you want me to sleep on the couch then?” My brows pinch together, which causes her to laugh.
“Just kidding. I don’t want to have that argument again.
” She cups my cheek, and her thumb rubs over my scruff.
“I can be good with slow. As long as this cuddling doesn’t stop. ”
“Do you think I could have you in my bed and not hold you?”
“I’m thinking no,” she answers.
“Exactly.”
Her hand falls to my chest as she says, “This feels so surreal.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I was just talking to Penny about you and how I’ve missed talking, and I know it’s been my fault. I haven’t even given you a chance to talk to me before I’ve bolted out of here.”
“And why were you bolting?” I ask.
Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “You changed me in a way I wasn’t expecting.” She wets her lips. “God, this feels embarrassing to talk about.”
“You don’t need to say it,” I say.