Chapter 5 #4
He took a sip of his Red Bull and a drag of his cigarette before defending himself. “You should see the other guy.”
August had the good nature to laugh at his bad joke. “I’d rather not. Then again, I wonder if you can catch any recordings from tonight.”
“Why would I do that?”
“To see how good their makeup artist is.” August drank their coffee. “If he looks as messed up as you do, then they’re going to have a bitch of a time trying to cover it up.”
Luka cringed. “I did mark up his back pretty bad.”
“Oh dear, will he have to wear a long shirt for once?” August leaned away from the railing, chuckling. “How scandalous.”
Luka hummed in response and took another drink, wondering what Reno would wear tonight at the show.
He almost didn’t want to find out, trying to nip this train of obsession in the bud before it could really bloom.
Reno didn’t help, sending him that good morning text.
Luka had assumed he’d be done with Luka after last night, but he had guessed wrong.
“I’m sure he’s had to deal with this before. His makeup artists are probably used to this nonsense.”
“Sure," August said, rolling their eyes, “it’s almost amazing how low your confidence is sometimes.”
“Nah. I just can’t be the only one.” Luka shrugged. “That's both presumptuous and naive. The man fucks like a demon." He could feel his cheeks burning. “No cis man has stamina like that if they aren’t regularly getting laid. It has very little to do with how I view myself.”
“Men." August shook their head. “You’re all horrible creatures.”
“The walls of our house are not that thick, Aug. You have no room to talk.”
August looked a little bashful. “Right, right. Sorry but it’s impossible for Iris to be quiet for even five minutes.”
“Mhm.” Luka tried not to think about how loud he’d been last night. “It’s fine dude. I’m happy for you.”
“Yeah, me too. What’ll you do now?”
Luka considered that with mounting dread and set his drink down by his foot. “Dunno. Try not to pine, I guess?”
August laughed at him.
“No, really." Luka shoved them a little. “The potential consequences of my actions last night are… a lot. Reno could catch grief if fans found out. If they find out about me, I’ll get grief too, harassment probably. He’s lucky he’s in a U.K.
-based group so he doesn’t have to hide his sexuality as much as he would if he’d stayed in Tokyo, but it's still generally frowned on for someone that big to be in a relationship with anyone, especially a guy. God forbid they find out I’m trans on top of that. ”
“So, you think you’ll date Reno?” August asked.
Luka shook his head. “Impossible. I’m just saying even sleeping with him could damage his reputation; it was selfish of me to do it.”
“Jesus Christ. No, it wasn’t. Also, he asked you, not the other way around. He knows the risks better than you do and he still stuck his dick in there.”
“Gross.” Luka stubbed out his cigarette.
“You have a point, though.” He grabbed the railing with both hands and pulled back to stretch his back, feeling sore in places he didn’t think possible.
“I suppose I’ll keep following his lead.
I like him, and I mean as a person— and not just an artist. And for some reason it seems like he likes me. ”
“I’ll say.” August poked his neck and he made an embarrassing noise.
“He texted me good morning, too.”
“Oh, he’s down bad,” August said and Luka flushed. “I’m gonna lose you to this man, aren’t I?”
“Maybe.” Luka shrugged, not bothering to deny it to them. “I love you, but I don’t really have a lot holding me here. Michael is technically yours, my job is remote, my friends are mostly long-distance. Not a lot would change if I left one day. Iris could move in.”
“I’d miss you.”
“I’d miss you too. But, you’d be okay.” Luka picked the can up off the ground and said, “I’ll still call and text you all the time. Plus, this is all hypothetical; the chance of me moving away to go be with Reno is extremely unlikely. Let’s get out of here, it’s a long drive home.”
“'Kay, I’ll take first shift.” August still looked put out at the mention of Luka potentially moving away one day, but Luka ignored it in favor of getting them out of the motel and loaded into the car.
Reno
Good morning, How are you feeling today? We just got checked out of the motel
Feeling a little lonely. Been getting teased a lot
why so? to both
Getting teased for what mess I am today. Kandi scolded me for letting u mark me in visible places. I feel like my face might burn off
I'm not actually in trouble. Seb said he's proud of me lol
i'm glad ur not in trouble. Aug made fun of me too
Why lonely?
Luka watched the ‘…’ appear then disappear a few times and eventually gave up to watch out the window. The hills were low and stony, but they were finally getting covered in green after the long winter.
Maria
Spill the tea bestie
I think im more bruises than man rn
jfc did u let him beat your or something?
god no. He's just rough… u know I like that
Freak 4 freak i see
you asked!
yeah, and you owe me so many details. I can't believed u fucked the guy you've had a celeb crush on since u were 14. If anyone could do it, its you tho
I'll never understand your faith in me.
A notification popped up at the top of his phone that made Luka’s eyes narrow.
[Reno] I should have asked—
He clicked on it quickly and felt his breath catch in his throat.
Reno
I should have asked you to come with me.
Luka stared at the message, wondering if it was real, wondering what he could even say back. Go with Reno? He didn’t understand. There was something going on with Reno that Luka just couldn’t put together.
Maria
you've left a string of broken hearted men behind you all your life. I'm only basing reality on what i've personally witnessed.
Reno just said he should have asked me to go with him.
holy fuck? like on tour or?
I think so? I haven't responded. I'm trying to not visibly freak out so august doesnt make me explain… they are driving rn
He flipped back to his chat with Reno.
Reno
I knew that wouldn't be fair to you though, I cant expect you to drop everthing to go on a tour with me. Plus, the bus is already crowded as is.
Its not very comfortable haha. Just had to say though.
Why? I mean, last night was
amazing.
but im still just some guy you've only been texting for a week. I don't get it.
When Reno didn’t respond right away, Luka flipped over to his texts, thought about what to send Maria, and came up blank.
What could he even say about all of this?
He looked out the window again and watched the clouds move by, promising the rain they had threatened to give last night.
He swallowed, wishing he had water, wishing he could smoke in August’s Jeep.
Just to give himself something to do, something to fidget with before he started to go insane.
Reno
sry im trying to think of how to say
Do you believe in fate?
No, not really. My parent raised me christian and it kinda messed me up. So, when i stopped talking to them I also stopped thinking anything could be predestined.
I don't like thinking a god could pick what happens for me in my life instead of me choosing.
oh no. not like god more like
hmm… forming thought
like if life put you in a place at a time on purpose.
i sound cheesy.
i'm not following
im a little embarrassed
and im a little confused lol
that makes two of us. this is confused for me, but i've learned if life pulls me hard indirections, its the right ways to go. At least, its worked for me so far and well, i'm really lucky to have the life I do. I always followed my gut, let my heart guide me whatever I do
What are you suggesting?
That if I couldn't forget you for ten years, I think I shouldn't forget you now
Luka felt like he might faint.
He rolled down the window, held his phone up, and froze, feeling the humid air rush around him as the pressure of it hit his eardrums.
“What are you doing?” August said, eyebrows raised as they quickly looked at Luka then back to the road.
“Deciding if I should throw my phone out the window.”
August rolled the window back up.
Luka let it happen, slumping back into the seat.
“Expensive,” August reminded him. “Phones are expensive. Also, that's littering.”
Luka didn’t respond; instead he put his phone down and pressed his hands to his eyes. He could feel them welling up, burning, and his chest felt too tight.
“What’s going on?” August turned the music down and Luka reached out to turn it back up. “Okay, I’ll ask later then.”
Luka loved August so much. “Thank you.”
Reno
I need a moment.
Okay
A moment turned into many as Luka tossed his phone onto the floorboard and curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his legs.
Ten years.
He tried not to choke when he thought of the last ten years of his life.
One bad relationship to the next, the constant battle of not feeling like enough, of trying so hard for so long to do his best with his art and never breaking through to recognition, his parents cutting him off when he came out, years piled on top of years of feeling misunderstood and second rate by the people around him.
His friends were mostly good, but Luka had walked through his childhood into adulthood never being the person someone picked first. Even with his past partners, he’d never come first in their lives, always feeling like he had to beg for attention and affection, and he never really understood why.
It was easy for people to walk in and out of his life, even Maria and he could go years without talking sometimes.
All of his friends had someone else more important to them than Luka.
Ten years.
Someone had thought of him for ten years.
Someone couldn’t forget him.