Chapter 19 #3
“I had to learn,” Luka replied before spotting an open table near the venue wall.
He pointed to it, and Arnaud led the way.
Once he was seated and his hoodie was finally off, he said, “I was never very good at it when I was younger. It took a lot for me to come out of my shell and be able to let loose like that and have fun. I learned by replicating people who do it naturally until it felt comfortable.”
“Well, I’m happy you learned. Dancing with you is fun. We should drag Hikaru away from work and make him come too.”
“I’ve been saying,” Luka agreed. “He did say he wants to.”
“We go out sometimes on tour. T-yan likes to go with Hikaru a lot because he stays sober on tour and likes to watch out for them.”
“That's really sweet of him.”
Arnaud nodded. “It is. Oh yeah, I said I would tell you.” He pushed his drink aside and then started talking.
“I found T-yan on YouTube, too, but he wasn’t working with a band.
Someone had caught him street performing on video and posted it.
He didn’t even know the video existed, let alone that it had gone viral.
It took me months to find him because he wasn’t online, really.
Only when he went to an internet cafe. I guess he was sleeping on his friend's floor and didn’t have a phone and was making money banging on random shit he’d collected from the streets. ”
“I didn’t know that.” Luka tried to imagine someone as put together as T-yan in that kind of situation and the image he conjured wasn’t very different from how he’d been in his teen years.
“Yup, he was only fifteen. I mean, I wasn’t much older than him but still.
Having to crash on his friend's floor because his parents thought he was gay, busking for money—I’d hate to have that kind of luck.
He wasn’t, isn’t, even really gay or bi, pédé12, or anything.
He was just a metalhead, dressing weird compared to the people around him, and his parents thought the wrong thing.
Made him question for a long time if he was, though; it turns out it's a ‘sometimes, but not really’.
“I finally found his contact info and he emailed me back saying, ‘fuck off scammer’. Which, I still find funny.” Arnaud laughed into his drink for a moment before saying, “It took a while to convince him I was who I said I was. But, at that point, he had nothing left to lose, so he took the plane to Nice and didn’t go back to Busan again.
We haven’t even been there on tour. He says he likes France better, and London has nicer girls. Ils sont magnifiques, ouais13?”
“Oh, I’m sure,” Luka said, trying to process everything he was learning.
“We signed him on my mom’s label as soon as he got to Nice so he’d have a work visa.”
“Must be nice," Luka mused as he stirred his drink, “having those kinds of resources.”
“C’est comme ca14,” Arnaud casually agreed.
“I like using, ah…resources for the benefit of my friends and mes copains et15 the persons who need it more than myself. That extends to you now mon cheri16, starting with free drinks for life as long as you treat Hikaru well.” He hopped out of his chair and left for the bar, presumably to get another round of drinks for them, even though Luka hadn’t finished his current.
He hoped that would be the closest he’d get to a shovel talk that night.
Hikaru
I'll be done here within an hour. I'm so tired.
( ;′ - `;)
You poor thing. I'll tell Arnaud we should wrap up here soon then. Want me to rub your hands when I'm home?
I will cry happy tears, I'm a mess. Do not judge me for my level of pathetic.
Only lovingly would I judge you.
//(°.,?o?,°)//
lovingly he says
“Here!" Arnaud placed a drink in front of him. “Finis ton verre17! Finish your other, you can’t fall behind me.”
“You know you’re like twice my size, right?” Luka put his phone away and accepted the new drink.
“You’re so small, c’est sympa—tu es mignon18. Cute. I could pick you up and throw you so easily.” Arnaud leaned back in his chair, looking relaxed as he ignored whatever face Luka was making. “Hikaru said you’re making a graphic novel? What’s it about?”
Luka cleared his throat, trying to comprehend what was happening.
He gave up after a moment and tried to form a coherent answer.
“It’s…autobiographical,” Luka felt shy admitting, “Some stuff that happened when I was younger. It started as a really personal project but the few people I’ve shown it to say it resonated with them and I should seek a wider audience.
I don’t know how it would feel to have strangers witnessing those parts of me though. ”
“It feels that way singing the lyrics I do sometimes. It’s pretty— how do you say? Ce serait libérateur19? Cathartic.”
Luka hummed. “Writing and drawing it really has been, but people can be so cruel online. Once something is up for critique, its out of my hands.” He finished one of his drinks and pulled the other closer.
He could feel himself loosening up, his cheeks warm.
Somewhere along the night, Arnaud had become just another friend.
“On one hand, if I label it as autobiographical, then it will likely face less scrutiny because it’s only about me and my experiences, but, that's exposing some deeply personal stuff about myself. On the other hand, if I make it a fictional character, I face more judgment if my character’s experience doesn’t align with the reader’s experience.
Then they can get angry. It’s less personal though. Kind of.”
“Sounds like a difficult choice. I don’t know what I—”
Luka watched as Arnaud froze in place and his eyes went wide, staring over Luka’s shoulder.
“You.”
“Bonne soirée20, Arnaud.”
Luka turned in his seat and the expression he saw on Joy’s face shocked him.
She was smirking but her eyes were so cold they seemed wildly out of place compared to the rest of her near-perfect features.
“I guess the game is over,” she said, and before Luka could ask what she meant, Arnaud had leapt out of his chair and was inches from her face.
“You’re in violation right now.” His voice was dangerous and the plastic cup in his hand warped from his grip.
She laughed in his face, eye level and unafraid. “Hikaru n'est pas là21.”
Luka flinched hearing his boyfriend’s name come out of her mouth.
“Je suis là22.” Arnaud stepped forward and when Joy made to lunge at him, he splashed his half-full drink in her face, shocking her into halting.
Joy’s face turned red and furious as she wiped the liquor away and then flicked her fingers in Arnaud’s face. “Tête-à-claques23.”
Arnaud growled, “Je vais te casser la gueule24.”
“What the fuck," Luka said under his breath as he spotted several people watching closely and stood from his chair, but Arnaud shot a hand out to keep him from getting any closer. Joy’s eyes flicked over to him, and she bit back a choked laugh, wiping her hands on her dress with a look of disgust on her face.
“Me menacer est une mauvaise idée, Arata. Tu ne seras jamais ce que j'étais pour lui25. You'll never be to him what I was—You’re so vulgar!”
Luka snapped, “Arrêt26!”
When Arnaud looked at him, the stormy darkness over his features was shocking, so foreign compared to his usual sunny mischief.
He tossed the empty cup to the side and took a large step back.
Joy rolled her shoulders, her laugh high and taunting before she turned away from Arnaud with her eyes locked on Luka.
Out of the corner of his eye, Luka saw Arnuad start to reach for Joy as she bent into Luka’s space. But Luka shook his head once in warning, and Arnaud stopped in his tracks.
Staring Joy down, Luka tried to understand, to see what or who she might actually be.
Slowly, she reached out one perfect, manicured finger and lifted the tag from Luka’s collar.
“Hikaru will grow tired of you, too.”
Luka recoiled. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Agreed.” Arnaud hooked his hand at Luka’s elbow and together they pushed through the watching crowd, trying to ignore the few phones pointing at them, the heated whispers around them, and Joy cackling at their retreat.
In front of the club, photographers instantly mobbed them, and Arnaud swore under his breath before ducking to the side and dragging Luka down an alleyway. Once they were a few blocks away, Arnaud slowed to a stop and with a choked growl in his throat, took a swing at a dumpster, denting it.
“Stop that.” Luka slumped against a building, the brick cool against his back. “I hate that shit.”
“Sorry.” Arnaud crouched down, tugging his hair free from the ponytail and ruffling it in frustration. “I despise that woman. Quel enculé celuie-là—Fils de chien27!”
“Clearly.” Luka patted his pockets and through the blankness, he felt a spark of irritation that he didn’t have any cigarettes.
He took a long breath and tried to stamp out the annoyance creeping up his throat alongside suppressed fear and anger.
“Explain. Who is she to my boyfriend and what did she do?”
As Arnaud explained exactly who had been befriending Luka, dread crept up his spine until he found himself on the pavement next to Arnaud with his legs tucked in tight against his chest.
“It’s probably her that’s been tipping off the pap when we’re out.
All the increased tabloids and rumors online.
She’s done this kind of thing before.” Arnaud said with his arms crossed and a sour expression on his face.
“She knows how to be sneaky. If she didn’t enjoy taking credit for her work, I don’t know how long this would have gone on. ”
“So, all this time?” Luka felt like he might be sick. “She was just using me to get to him.”
“Yes.”
“And, her approaching me—she already knew who I was.” Luka put his head between his knees, trying to stave off a panic attack. “I don’t get it.”
“Don’t bother trying to understand her. Hey—" Arnaud paused, uncrossing his arms as he studied Luka. “You alright?”
“No.” Luka shook his head, feeling like he couldn’t breathe. “How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? I think I’m having an anxiety attack or something.”
Arnaud moved until he was sitting in front of Luka and said, “Look at me.” He waited patiently until Luka did, then asked, “May I try something?”
It took a moment for Luka, feeling like his lungs couldn’t take in enough air, to register the question; then he nodded.
Arnaud took Luka’s hands and slowly pulled them from where they had tangled in his hair.
He pressed his thumbs gently into the centers of Luka’s palms and rubbed slow circles into them.
He said, “The same year Hikaru went through all that shit, Amelia was dealing with a lot of the same feelings you’re probably having right now. Joy’s focus was on tearing Reno down—batard28—but yeah, we were a unit. Even back then, he was my best friend.”
He moved his thumbs up until they rested on the inside of Luka’s wrists and the point of heat gave him something to focus on. He distantly wondered if Arnaud could feel his pulse pounding; maybe that was the point.
“We were experiencing our first real breakthrough as a band, and there was all this harassment coming in from all sides. Joy used anything and everything she could to attack us. She made things up, doctored pictures… If we didn’t have each other through it I think we would have all gone mental.
Amelia almost broke up with me. Three times!
Trois fois29! Only because we didn’t know how to handle it all. Ah, we were young.”
“Is this supposed to be helping?”
Arnaud hummed, then took one of Luka’s arms with both of his hands and began to rub his forearms. Luka had to admit it was keeping the panic from getting worse, at least.
Arnaud tried again: “I am only saying, we have experience handling these things now. And you’re not alone; you have us. Je suis là30. Can I give you Amelia’s number? I think you two should be friends. Someone for you to talk to about all this who will get it.”
Luka took in a long, uneven breath before replying, “Sure.” He could see how it might be helpful to have someone like her to talk to. “Did she go through this?”
“What, panic attacks? Mouais31.”
“I kind of figured.” Luka still felt like his heart might leap out of his chest but he was growing too tired to care. “You can stop that now, if you want.” He wiggled the arm Arnaud was still holding.
“That’s okay," Arnaud said. “I don’t mind. You still look really pale and touch can be réconfortantcomforting.”
“Thanks," Luka said, realizing that Arnaud’s touch was weirdly, very reassuring. Arnaud’s hands were so warm and confident; it was comforting. Luka rested his head back onto his knees with a sigh and whispered, “I still don’t know if I can do this.”
Arnaud was silent for a moment, his eyes downcast. He paused his forearm massage and said, “Hikaru won’t stop you if you decide to go. He will fight for you up until the moment you tell him to stop.”
“I don’t want to go.”
Arnaud grunted. “Good. We don’t want you to go either. Can I walk you home? Do you think you can walk?”
“Is your name Arata?”
“Sort of.” Arnaud sighed. “I’m surprised you picked that up.” Arnaud let Luka’s arm go and rubbed a hand over his face, saying, “Please, don’t use it, though. I chose Arnaud when I was five. I wanted to be French like all the other kids I knew.”
“If it helps, you’ve done that well.” Luka let out a shaky laugh. “I think I can try to walk.”
Arnaud stood and held out a hand. “Okay. Let's get you home.”
1 Yes, beloved person
2 * A+ sounds like à plus, making it shorthand for à plus tard: See you later
** à 2000: at 20:00/08:00p.m.
3 Good evening,
4 No, it is not far.
5 my mother
6 an unconscious/unaware idiot
7 Are you completely stupid?
8 passive—slang for a gay man who is submissive in bed
9 yeah?
10 This way.
11 Cheers!/To our health!
12 reclaimed homophobic slur, similar to ‘queer’
13 They are magnificent, yeah?
14 That’s how it is/it’s like that,
15 my companions and
16 my friend,
17 Finish your drink!
18 it is nice—you are so cute
19 It is liberating?
20 Good evening,
21 Hikaru isn’t here.
22 I am here.
23 literal: head-slapper. Used to suggest someone looks easy or fun to slap.
24 I’ll break your face.
25 Threatening me is a bad idea, Arata.
26 Stop!
27 What a motherfucker—son of a bitch!
28 bastard
29 Three times!
30 I am here.
31 Yeah (tonally hesitant to agree or admit)