~Chapter 19~
I wake up hard.
Not suddenly.
Not panicked.
Just… slowly.
The morning light comes in through the window that was just black, hitting my face in an annoyingly calm way.
For a few seconds… I don’t move.
I just sit.
I breathe.
I feel.
Then reality begins to settle in.
The bed. The room. Last night.
Cedric.
I turn my head slightly.
He’s still there.
He’s sleeping.
For the first time…
calmly.
He’s on his stomach with his hands somewhere under the pillow and most of the sheet on him.
No tension. No clenched jaw. No that look that makes me forget how to breathe.
Just… him.
I swallow hard and look away quickly.
Too much.
I get up slowly, taking the phone from the TV nightstand and laying back down on the bed, scrolling without really seeing anything.
My mind is elsewhere.
The door opens suddenly.
I freeze.
Samuel.
"Let's..." He starts but loses his voice. He stops in the doorway. He looks at me.
Then... his gaze drops.
On the floor.
Pause.
I realize it too late.
"...really?" he says, raising an eyebrow.
I look too.
Perfect.
Right next to the bed.
A condom. And guess what? Used
"Get out.
" I say immediately.
Samuel doesn't move.
"Idris" he says a little more seriously now and closes the door behind him, leaning against the door.
"Just leave me. I don't feel like it.
My head hurts, I'm hungry too, my ass hurts too.
Just go" I start to list slowly and he rolls his eyes.
For a few seconds, Cedric moves his head towards me now, in the same position, only a little more uncovered.
"Idris" Samuel says again after I take my eyes off Cedric's back, I glare at him and wait.
"You're lucky I'm the one who invited you to eat, not our dad.
He would have killed your husband" he says and I put my phone down and frown at him.
He opens the door again and is about to leave but stops.
"What do you want, dude?!" I say annoyed by his appearance
"If you're still doing this at home.
..please do it quietly. You're noisy. And clean up after yourself" he says this and I'm left alone after.
I don't even have anything else to add.
I just...hope he doesn't bring up the same topic with his parents
A few more minutes pass before I get out of bed, and as expected, I go to Cedric's side, waking up from his sleep
I look at him for a second.
He sleeps differently than the rest of the people I've slept with.
He's not completely relaxed.
But he's not tense either.
He's... somewhere in between.
I reach out and touch his shoulder lightly.
He doesn’t react.
“Cedric…” I murmur.
This time he moves.
Slowly. Hardly.
As if sleep is pulling him back.
He lifts his head a little, then turns to face me, his eyes slowly opening.
His gaze is blurry for a split second.
Then… he fixes on me.
And changes.
Instantly.
“You’re here…” he says hoarsely.
It’s not a question. I swallow hard.
“Where else would I be?” One corner of his mouth lifts slightly, but not completely.
He reaches out and grabs my wrist, pulling me closer effortlessly.
“I don’t know,” he murmurs. “You have a habit of disappearing.”
I roll my eyes, but I don’t object.
“I didn’t disappear. I just… woke up before you.
”
Cedric doesn’t answer right away.
He just looks at me.
Too intently.
Then his gaze drops for a second, to me, to the sheet, to the mess in the room.
A small smile escapes him.
“Does this room smell like cigarettes or is it just me?” he asks.
I freeze for a split second. “Samuel was here.”
“Mhm.” Pause.
“And?” he continues, his voice still low.
I run a hand over my face. “And… he saw.”
Cedric closes his eyes for a second.
Then… he laughs softly.
Not loudly.
Not mockingly. Just… amused.
“Perfect.” he murmurs.
I push him gently. “It’s not funny.”
“It is,” he says calmly, opening his eyes again.
"But still, if one of your parents saw me, I would 100% be cut up and thrown to the dogs"
That makes me frown immediately.
Cedric notices.
His smile fades a little.
“Hey,” he says more softly.
He reaches up and touches my cheek, this time much more gently than last night.
“I’m not going to let anyone put you in a position you don’t want to be in.
”
I look at him.
Seriously.
“It’s my house,” I say.
“You can’t control everything.”
Pause.
Cedric doesn’t get angry.
He just… nods.
“Right.”
Silence.
For a few seconds, we stay like that.
Almost.
Without moving.
Then he sighs slightly and sits up a little, running a hand through his hair.
“Should we go downstairs?” he asks.
I roll my eyes.
“Yeah. Samuel said we were invited to dinner.”
Cedric raises an eyebrow.
“Both of us?”
“Unfortunately.”
A slight smile appears on his face again.
“Interesting.”
I look at him suspiciously.
“Don’t start.”
“I’m not starting anything,” he murmurs.
“I just… want to see how he reacts.”
“You don’t,” I say immediately.
Cedric looks at me.
Then… he smiles wider.
“Yes.” I sigh.
“He’s going to kill us.
”
“No.” he says calmly, getting up completely from the bed.
“Not while I’m here.”
“What do you say,” I murmur and walk towards the door, with him behind me now in shorts.
We go downstairs, and they’re already at the table. My mom, dad, and brother.
My steps are slower than usual.
Not because I’m afraid…but because I know exactly what awaits me.
We walk to the table and make Cedric wait there while I go get some raisins. I’ve been craving them this morning.
When I turn around… all eyes are on us.
Wonderful.
I sit down at the table like nothing’s strange.
Cedric stands there for a second.
Dad,…
looks at him.
Silence.
Then… surprisingly…
“You can sit down.” he says calmly.
I freeze for a split second.
Cedric doesn’t either.
But he doesn’t show it.
He just nods slightly and sits down next to me.
Mom sighs softly, putting down her cup.
“Can we have a normal morning, please?” Her gaze sweeps over everyone.
He pauses for a second on me. Then on Cedric.
“No drama.”
Samuel makes a short, barely contained sound.
I know exactly what’s coming.
“By the way…” he begins, looking directly at Cedric.
“Didn’t you find your blouse or..”
smack
I slap him lightly on the head without looking at him.
“Estúpido.” I mutter, gritting my teeth.
Samuel is frozen for a second.
Then he looks at me in shock.
“Really?”
“At least he didn’t come in naked, thanks,” I add, shrugging and taking a few raisins.
Mom puts her hand to her forehead, but smiles a little.
Dad… surprisingly… doesn’t say anything right away.
He just shifts his gaze to Cedric.
“Are you eating?” he asks simply.
Cedric pauses for a split second.
“Yes.” he answers calmly.
Silence.
But it's not that heavy silence from yesterday.
It's… different.
Dad nods slightly.
"Okay." And that's it.
I realize I’m breathing easier.
Without wanting to.
Cedric rests his elbow lightly on the table, close to me.
He doesn’t touch me.
But he’s there.
And that… is enough.
Samuel is still looking at me, offended.
“I still can’t believe you hit me.”
“I can repeat that if you want,” I say without looking at him.
Mom frowns at me “Idris.”
“What?”
She sighs.
But she’s not angry.
Just… tired.
Dad clears his throat slightly.
“So.” he says, looking between me and Cedric.
“I suppose we have things to discuss.”
My heart skips a beat.
Cedric doesn’t move.
He just replies:
“I suppose so, Mr. Fenric”
And for the first time… It doesn’t feel like a confrontation. It seems… the beginning of something.
I finish my breakfast and then I take my raisins and start eating, looking between Cedric and Dad who are giving each other dangerous looks.
"Can you do this in private, please.
You're stressing my Brain" I murmur and Samuel jumps and laughs.
"It's been raisined for a long time anyway" he comments.
smack
Samuel barely has time to laugh when I suddenly stand up, the chair creaking loudly on the floor.
"Do you want it many times?" I say, looking straight at him.
Silence.
Samuel raises his hands slightly, defensively, but still smiling.
“God, you’re so sensitive today.”
“I’m not sensitive,” I mutter, but my voice is no longer as sure.
Mom looks up at me.
“Idris…” she says more calmly, but in that tone that demands silence.
Dad sighs briefly, putting down the cutlery.
“Enough,” he says simply.
He doesn’t raise his voice.
But it’s enough.
Cedric doesn’t say anything.
He just… stands there.
His gaze moves from me to Samuel… then to Dad.
He analyzes.
Samuel obviously can’t help himself:
“I swear I didn’t say anything that serious…
”
“No,” I interrupt immediately, looking at him.
“You never say anything serious. Just annoying.”
Mom presses her temples.
“Please…”
Dad shifts his gaze to me.
He's not angry.
Just… attentive.
"Are you okay?
" he asks.
"And you're not asking me?
!" Samuel mutters angrily and rolls his eyes.
The question catches me off guard.
I blink.
For a second… I have no answer.
Cedric turns his head slightly towards me.
He doesn't intervene.
But he's attentive.
Samuel crosses his arms.
"Of course not," he mutters.
I ignore him.
I take a deep breath.
I feel like everything is becoming… too much all at once.
The stares.
The tension.
Samuel's jokes.
Cedric's presence.
Everything.
I run a hand through my hair, frustrated.
Then I look straight at Samuel.
"Excuse me.
" I say dryly. Pause. "From pregnancy.
"
Silence.
Samuel freezes.
Mom blinks in surprise.
Dad… raises an eyebrow slightly.
Cedric.
..Cedric doesn't smile.
But I see him.
The corner of his mouth trembles slightly.
I take my bowl of raisins without saying anything and turn around.
"Honey..." Cedric begins and races towards me.
I don't stop.
I leave the kitchen.
My steps are faster now.
I don't run.
But… I don't even want to sit there anymore.
---
I've been sitting in the sun and taking my daily vitamin D3 since spring came, and now that it's summer, the sun is super hot.
I put my hand in my bowl of raisins that I haven't touched in 5 minutes and lie down on the lounge chair, happy with freedom and peace.
The sun hits my face directly.
It’s hot.
Too hot for how loaded I feel.
But…
I don’t move.
I lie on the deck chair, the bowl of raisins now on my chest, absently eating one by one until the big bowl is almost finished
Not because I’m hungry.
But because I need to do something.
Anything.
The quiet outside is different from the one inside the house.
This doesn’t oppress.
It doesn’t demand anything.
It just… exists.
I close my eyes for a second.
I breathe.
Footsteps.
I hear him before I open my eyes.
I don’t have to look to know who it is.
“You ran.” His voice is calm. Low.
I open one eye.
“I didn’t run.” he murmurs. “I retreated strategically.”
Cedric makes a short sound, barely a laugh.
He stops next to me.
He doesn’t sit down right away.
He just… looks at me.
I can feel it.
I move my head a little toward him.
“What?” I ask reluctantly.
“Nothing.” he says simply. Pause. “I was just… checking to see if you’re okay.
”
I roll my eyes.
“Is everyone doing this today?”
I pick up a raisin.
“Did I miss a meeting or something?”
The corner of his mouth turns up.
He finally sits down on the edge of the chaise longue, next to my feet.
Almost.
But not intrusively.
“No,” he says.
“Just… you matter.”
I pause.
For a second.
I don’t answer.
I don’t know what to say.
Instead… I hold out the bowl to him.
“Do you want some?” He looks at the raisins.
Then at me.
“No.” Short pause. “But I appreciate the gesture.”
“It’s a big gesture,” he murmurs.
“They’re mine.”
Cedric smiles slightly.
Silence.
But it’s… okay.
It’s not tense.
It’s not oppressive.
It’s just… us.
“She said something,” he says after a few seconds.
I don’t ask who.
I know.
“Of course she said it,” I mutter.
“Samuel breathes and speaks at the same time.”
Cedric ignores the joke.
“Your father.”
I tense up a little.
“And?” I ask.
Cedric rests his elbows on his knees.
He looks ahead, not at me.
“It wasn’t… what I expected.”
I turn my head to him.
“What do you mean?”
Pause.
Cedric exhales slowly.
“He didn’t attack me.
”
Finally he looks at me.
“Not yet.”
A small smile escapes me.
“Give him time.”
Cedric nods slightly.
“Don’t scare me,” he says calmly.
“But… I’m interested.
”
I study him for a second.
“Because?”
His gaze doesn’t move from me.
“Because it’s you.”
I’m silent.
Again.
Because I don’t know what to say again.
I lean my head back, looking at the sky.
“I’m tired,” I mutter.
“Not physically.”
Pause.
“Absolutely.”
Cedric doesn’t answer right away.
Then… he moves his hand.
Not suddenly.
Not possessively.
He places it gently across my knee.
"I know," he says softly.
Not "it'll be okay.
"
Not "it'll pass."
Just... "I know.
"
And somehow... it's better this way.
I move my hand over his.
Without thinking too much.
Without commenting.
This time… no tension.
No rush.
Just… silence.
"Give me a kiss, honey" I say and try to look at him without the sun shining in my eyes.
He looks at me in surprise and looks up at my eyes and then back at my mouth.
He leans over to me, and places a hand on my cheek.
He kisses me slowly, delicately, asking permission to enter I enter and I open my mouth.
I squeeze his neck and pull him closer.
By the time I'm done, we're both out of breath.
"Wow... really wow" he whispers softly.
"I love you" he says and kisses my head and then gets up.
"Do you have work today?" I ask, curious about his schedule.
Or he, briefly, about him.
"Not much.
Just talk to your father and then talk to my father to hold my place in the pack for a while until we see how we do. " He murmurs.
I nod my head slightly, not asking anything more.
Not because I'm not interested.
But because...I don't feel the need to control everything.
Cedric looks at me for a second longer, as if he wants to say something more.
But he doesn't.
He lets his hand slide off my knee and takes a step back.
"I'm not going far," he says simply.
"I know," I reply.
And I really do.
I watch him walk away, his footsteps slowly fading into the quiet of the courtyard.
I don't rush to stop him.
I don't get up.
I lie on the chaise longue, the sun warming my skin and the bowl now empty on my chest.
I take a deep breath.
For the first time in… I don't know how long… I don't feel caught between things. I don't feel pulled in all directions. I just… am.
I close my eyes, letting the light filter through my eyelids.
My thoughts stop screaming.
I don't demand answers anymore.
And maybe things aren't resolved.
Maybe there will be discussions.
Maybe there will be chaos.
But not now.
Now there is peace.
And for now… that's enough.