Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
AIDEN
I haven’t felt this good in forever.
And I hate whatever that means for me.
It should be simple. I don’t know him, so why am I acting like this around him? I shouldn’t be driving him around. I need to find that elephant. It’s not in the bakery and I didn’t see it in his apartment. I’m afraid of what it means for us both if I don’t find it.
I have more time.
My eyes travel to the side, taking him in, then focus back on the road. I’ve noticed he gets a little tense around heavily wooded areas. His head lolls toward his window, watching the trees pass by. It’s a comfortable silence we’re sitting in.
I think maybe that’s something I don’t mind about him.
Either quiet or talking, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
He’s wearing a black tank top displaying the curves of his muscles, and I glance between him and the road, trying not to let my eyes linger on him but focus on driving. He pulls away from the glass to look at me. “How long have you had this car?”
“Since I was sixteen.”
“Wow.”
I nod. “Eight years. It was my mother’s.” And it runs on swear words, blood, and bodily threats. If it stops running, I’m fucked.
I sneak another look at him. He’s so easy to look at. That’s all. It’s why I can’t stop looking. He’s both handsome and pretty rolled into one irritating person.
The thing is, I’ve never thought of someone like that.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Anger mostly.
Anger and something equally as hot, sitting low in my stomach and making me nauseous.
I don’t know what to do about it. What I do know is that wanting to hang out tonight is a mistake. I just don’t want to go home is all.
It’s different than how I feel when I’m hanging out with Cam.
I take another left down a smaller dirt road. There are so many in this town it keeps me busy for hours. I know my way around most of them by now.
I need to be careful about how much I spend on gas, but sometimes it’s worth it to go for a long drive and clear my head.
It’s the only thing keeping me sane most nights.
“Where are we going?”
“There’s a field up here. It’s a park.” I’ve slept there a few times.
It’s warm tonight, and the onyx sky breaks apart with the shine of stars.
I drive a little further before we come to the clearing and parking lot.
I park and get out of the car, soaking in the warm night air. It’s not too humid. It’s perfect.
I pull myself up onto the hood and watch as Sawyer joins me, sitting beside me. “We should play a game.”
I shake my head. “I’m done with you and your friends’ brand of fun.”
“Something easy. Clothes stay on.” My head swivels toward him, my eyes doing a slow crawl over his body, lingering on his arms then his chest.
I clear my throat. “What game?”
“Light and dark.”
“Light and dark?”
“It’s something my mother used to play with us. You ask a question, and then the person being asked says something positive and something negative about it.”
“Why?”
“Balance.” He shrugs. “My mother always used to say there’s brightness in every darkness and dark in every light. If you’re ever feeling upset or angry, think about what the light would be. There’s always a positive.”
“And if you’re happy to remember everything is shit and there’s no point?”
He shakes his head with a tiny smile. “With the happy, embrace it. Cherish it. Because bad things can happen, but nothing can take the happy memories away. It’s more a reminder.” I watch the way his throat moves.
He swipes his eyes. Shit, is he? No, please no. No tears. Tears, I just—
“Fuck, really?” He laughs bitterly. “Sorry. Fuck.” He wipes his eyes with the heels of his palms. “Sorry.” He takes a breath, blinking fast and shaking his head. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head. “Well, apparently I’m choosing this moment to really let everything sink in.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s gone. My mom is gone. The most important person in my life is gone, and I’m never going to see her ever again.
Not ever. No matter what, that’s it, and I’m trying hard to find the light in that, and I can’t do it.
It’s all darkness. It fucking sucks.” He lets out a ragged breath. “Holy shit, I need to stop.”
I move closer, my body betraying me as my arm has a mind of its own, snaking around him and pulling him into my side. He softens in my arms, laying his head down against my collarbone as I hug him to me.
I feel him shake but I don’t comment on his crying. I just hold him, at a loss for what I can do. I don’t know. I just know I want to make this better. My hand runs up and down his arm. “Can I go first?” I whisper into his hair.
His head pulls up to look at me. His eyes heat.
My arm drops and I back away, desperately needing air. “Are you excited about reopening your bakery with the event? A light and a dark.” An easy one.
He thinks for a moment. “Of course. I’m really excited, though I didn’t expect the response online.
I’ve also realized how amazing my friends are .
. . not that I didn’t know before. It’s just nice having help, and I was always afraid to ask for it.
If nothing else, that’s helping me a lot.
I have great friends. I have a great family. ”
I swallow hard. “And the dark?”
“I think . . . I didn’t expect people would want to do this because I didn’t believe they’d want to come for the things I made. I know I’m good at what I do. I am. But when you get half a dozen customers a day and only two buy something, it’s a huge hit to the ego.”
“You need more confidence. Your food is incredible.” I offer a small smile, just a tiny one. “I still think about those brownies.” And I do. More than that, I can’t stop thinking about him when I’m alone. Okay, enough. “My turn.”
He looks at me. “Are you happy with where you are in life right now? Light and a dark.”
Jesus christ. “Wow.”
“I know. Deep,” he teases, waiting for me to answer.
“I uh . . . I’m not really sure if I have a light and dark.” I swallow as the truth comes to mind. I almost swallow it, but with Sawyer I don’t want to lie. “There are times when I feel less miserable than others.” Like right now. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy or will notice if I even am.”
Sawyer’s brow furrows. “Holy shit, Aiden.”
Why did I say that? “That’s just how I feel.”
He shakes his head then slides his fingers into my hand. I think he’s going to squeeze, but instead he laces them with his and holds on tight. I can’t stop staring at our connected fingers.
“My turn,” he says softly, still holding my hand as if I could source my happiness from him directly.
“What is one memory that you would want to go back to?”
“For my eighth birthday, my mom made a birthday cake. It’s what we did every year. We would try and out-decorate ourselves every time we made a cake. She wasn’t the best decorator, but I became very good. Every year I got better. That particular birthday cake came out amazing.”
“What’s the negative?” How can that memory have a downside?
“Earlier that day I’d gotten mad at her.
I asked her about my father, and it upset her.
We fought about it. I was so mad, and seeing all the other fathers participate at school, I wanted to know why mine was never around.
I wish I could go back and tell her I never needed anyone else. She was enough.”
He swipes his eyes quickly.
“Wow.”
He looks at me and I drink in his face. He’s sad, but there’s a spark of something alive about him right now.
My arm still tingles from the feel of him in my arms. Our fingers are still linked.
My eyes drop to his lips. Plump and red, they look really soft.
His tongue pokes out, wetting the bottom one.
“What’s the matter, Aiden?”
“Huh?”
“You keep looking at my lips as if they have something for you.”
“I’m not—I mean I—”
I drag my lower lip between my teeth, this heat and tension pressing down on me, and I don’t know . . . there’s this pull, and I want to kill it. I need him to kill it. Just once. I don’t even know what I want, but it’s like this instinct guiding me.
“Do you want to kiss me, Aiden?”
My eyes flick to his lips then drag up to his eyes. Yeah. I want it. “No.”
His lips crawl into a slow smile. “Be honest with me.”
I wonder if they feel as soft as they look. I almost say I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone before, and I don’t know what that means but it scares me. Everything about him is terrifying. I’ve been in control my entire life, but around him I feel reckless.
So I listen and tell him the truth. “It feels like I might fucking die if I don’t.”
“Wow.” Sawyer grins, displaying white teeth. “Poetry.”
“Truth.” His eyes hood, flicking between mine and my mouth.
“Then show me your truth, Aiden.”
He leans into me, those beautiful eyes closing as he meets me halfway. When my lips press to his, I moan into his mouth. Holy shit. Sawyer’s fingers slide under the hem of my shirt, skimming along the sensitive skin of my stomach.
I suck in a breath when his palm slides around, pressing the base of my spine and urging me closer.
“Aiden,” he whispers against my lips. “Keep kissing me.”
A deep moan surges out of my throat when my mouth crashes back onto his. I didn’t think Sawyer was holding back before, but then he pushes me down on top of my car.
His fingers slide around the back of my neck, then thumb a spot below my ear that makes me shiver.
Breaking the kiss, Sawyer searches my eyes.
“More,” I breathe.
“Then come get more.”
I pull him down to me on the hood of the car, his body on top of mine. His hand smooths up my leg, nestling between the hollow of my thighs. We fit like a puzzle.
We fit perfectly.
I’m burning up.
His hand travels along my calf then under my knee, lifting my leg to fit around his waist and pressing his hard cock against mine. His tongue slips into my mouth. We battle for space. I’m definitely losing.
Every roll of his hips brings a new sensation. “Damn.” He pulls back.