4. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
I t wasn’t Summer’s first time being exposed to the violence of Ramiro’s life, and she hoped it wouldn’t be her last.
Being threatened was terrifying, but when it led to being in Ramiro’s arms, she couldn’t regret it. She wished she could live in only those moments.
She’d promised herself she would help him more than he helped her, but the debt between them would never even out. How could you ever repay someone for saving your life?
“Are you even listening to me, Summer?”
Derek’s voice made her flinch back into the leather seat of his car. “Yes, of course,” she said, even though she hadn’t heard a word he’d said all night. She needed to do better.
“So that’s your answer? Yes?” Derek asked while he continued to drive them to his house.
Summer hesitated. “Yes.” Agreeing was the easier path. He’d get angry or hurt if she admitted she’d been distracted .
The hard ache that often took over her stomach returned. She pressed her hand over it, the material of her dress silkier than she was used to.
Derek’s hand covered her thigh, so close to her bare skin below the dress’s hem. He squeezed, the contact burning through the thin material. “I’m glad you’re wearing the dress I picked out. You look so sexy tonight.”
“Thanks,” she murmured, able to breathe easier when he removed his hand. She hated that she still reacted that way, even after so many years. She’d already had sex with him, but she still tensed up in these moments.
The ache in her stomach twisted into nausea. She swallowed her heated saliva, staring out through the windshield as she focused on breathing.
“You normally wear ug—” He coughed, rubbing at his jaw. “Uh, a different style, but this one really brings out your eyes.”
Summer’s awareness felt splintered, her mind slow to feed her snippets of his words. The dress. He was happy about the dress.
Some of her tension eased. She’d worn it for him, even though she didn’t feel comfortable in it. The skirt was shorter than she preferred, and the top was deeper cut, making a bra impossible. The dress was also solid blue. Summer preferred prints—the more floral, the better. Staring at all those flowers was a small happiness.
“Thank you,” she said again .
Derek pulled into his driveway. Wearing the dress had worked. Derek had agreed to let her spend the night, just as Ramiro had wanted. She’d made everyone happy.
The knot in her stomach eased as Derek walked around to open her door. He did things like that, opening her door, pulling out her chair. Derek could take care of her.
Her hand covering her stomach became trapped between their bodies as Derek pulled her against him. “I can’t wait to get inside that sexy mouth of yours.”
Inside her mouth? Oh…
His lips were on hers. The kiss was pleasant, not too much tongue or teeth, and she settled into it, her other hand coming up to his shoulder as he shuffled them backward to the front door.
He had to stop kissing her to get the key into the lock. He lifted her in his arms after. Doubts swirled in her head when he carried her straight to the bedroom.
Summer still hadn’t talked to him about the test. That was her fault. She’d been too unfocused, too distracted.
He lowered her onto the bed, moaning into her mouth as he settled over her body, pushing it into the bed.
She tensed beneath his weight, but she tried to ignore it. She’d learned that her nerves settled as long as she didn’t call attention to them. The worst experiences were when they noticed her tension and stopped. Stopping led to questions, questions she didn’t want to answer.
Derek had never been one to notice .
He lifted his head, giving her room to breathe as he stared down at her. “You’re so beautiful.”
The compliment eased something inside of her. She liked when they thought she looked nice. No, not nice. He’d said beautiful. She needed to stop—
His hands along her sides distracted her. Derek had found the side zipper of the dress and pulled it down, peeling her out of the clinging material. He’d already untied the neck strap. When had he done that? It must have been while they were kissing.
The brush of chilled air from the air conditioner made her nipples tighten, and she shivered. She was down to her underwear and heels. Derek had said he preferred heels.
He pinched her nipples, making her breath lock in her throat as she told herself not to shove his hands away. Her eyes flew to his. He hadn’t noticed, had he?
“God, your body,” Derek groaned, his eyes glazed with desire. Oh, good. She hadn’t ruined it for him.
His fingers stopped pinching, and instead of crawling over her again, he stood. His hands dragged her to the bottom edge of the bed.
Sudden excitement filled her. She’d done it like that once before. Without all that worrying weight, without the sense of being caged, she’d been able to let go. She’d enjoyed the way Ramiro had moved her body into his slow, delicious thrusts, then faster, harder, but still delicious.
Her mind shut down the memory. It was wrong to daydream about another man while she was with her boyfriend .
Derek didn’t spread her legs like she thought he would. Instead, he pulled her torso up and off the bed, the movement confusing her.
His mouth found hers again, warm and soft and intent. She enjoyed kissing and began to relax, her hands curling around his back. He was still fully clothed, the dress shirt rough under her fingers, nothing like the ones Ramiro wore. His were silky-smooth, clinging in all the best ways.
Her hands gripped Derek harder, her mouth returning every caress, all while thinking about someone else.
She needed to stop thinking about Ramiro. He’d been very clear about not wanting to have sex with her again. The one time had been difficult enough for him. He’d done it to help her heal, not out of any desire for her.
No, the desire had all been hers, and it had been a beautiful awakening into what sex could be. One she’d never been able to replicate, but then she’d never trusted anyone as much as she trusted Ramiro.
Derek broke the kiss, panting against her lips. “Damn, you’re getting hot just thinking about it, aren’t you?” His next kiss was a swift peck of sensation. “I love that.”
He loved her thinking about another man? No, that couldn’t be right. Summer’s mind fractured again. Why couldn’t she ever keep the pieces together around anyone but Ramiro?
Derek pressed down on her shoulders with his hands. “On your knees, baby. ”
The endearment made her flinch even as she gave in to his urging, slipping off the bed and kneeling in front of him.
She’d already told Derek she didn’t like to be called ‘baby.’ Her reaction to hearing the word was nothing like how she felt when Ramiro called her his ‘baby girl.’ She wasn’t sure why it was different; it just was.
He’d called her ‘baby girl’ again today, the first time he’d said it in years. The reminder eased the tension in her head.
It came rushing back when Derek’s penis poked her in the face. He hadn’t undressed but had pulled it out from his unzipped pants.
“I’ve been dreaming about that mouth of yours,” Derek said. “I’m so glad you said yes.”
He’d asked for oral back in the car. She really should have paid better attention.
Nausea returned to her stomach as the musk of him hit her nostrils. He tapped his penis against her lips. A smear of moisture caused anxiety to twist into a knot, mixing with the nausea.
She’d never given a man oral.
Derek was panting for breath. “My cock is going to explode so quickly for you, baby. One pump into your sweet mouth, and you’ll send me over the edge.”
If he was so close to coming, she could just open her mouth, and it’d be over. That would be easiest. Arguing about it would take longer and make everything worse, especially when he realized she hadn’t been listening to him before.
Was it really so bad to take the easy path?
Only do what you want to do.
Ramiro’s voice in her head drowned out her own thoughts.
“I can’t,” she mumbled, trying her best not to move her lips so Derek didn’t take them parting as an invitation.
Derek stroked himself, his brows drawing together. “You don’t want my cock, baby?”
Her hands folded around her stomach. “Don’t call me that.”
“Oh, right. Sorry, Summer.” He crouched down, peering into her face. His frown faded as his eyes widened. “Wait. Have you never given head before?”
Her shoulders tensed, and she couldn’t meet his eyes.
He was back to panting, his hand gripping his penis. “There’s no reason to be nervous. I’ll like it no matter what you do. Do you want me to talk you through it?”
Ramiro had talked her through every step of sex when they’d done it. His voice had done things to her. None of her other boyfriends had talked much during sex, nothing more than groaned yeses or calling for God.
Derek’s hand cupped her face, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip. It was the same hand that had been stroking his penis, and she almost gagged.
“Try it? For me?” he asked.
He’d only be pleased with her if she tried. The “no” she wanted to say stayed locked in her throat. She nodded instead, since her mouth wouldn’t open.
“You’re so good to me, Summer.” He leaned forward, kissing her briefly. Then his penis was in her face again .
All the penises she’d seen since Ramiro’s hadn’t looked the same. They were ruddy with color, looking almost like angry mushrooms. Ramiro’s had more peeked out, as if careful not to scare her. Of course, she’d only gotten a glimpse before he’d distracted her too much to look.
“Open your mouth. I’ll set it on your tongue at first, baby.”
Derek was using that term again. She opened her mouth to remind him to stop saying it, but his penis slid inside, stopping her words.
She didn’t like the taste. It was salty, mixed with that same musky scent, and it wasn’t just resting on her tongue like he said. A whimper slipped out of her, resonating in her ears and her mind.
She’d made that sound before. The memory was cracked and shadowed. Her vision dimmed.
Hands slid into her hair, and Derek pushed his penis in a little deeper, gagging her.
“Oh, fuck, you feel so good, baby. You don’t have to do anything. Stay still and let me fuck this beautiful face of yours.”
Summer couldn’t get enough air. She couldn’t do anything but shake and endure.
No. She wasn’t the same girl as the one in that memory. She could make it stop.
Her mouth tried to close, teeth scraping his penis as he pumped inside. Her hands flailed out, finding purchase on his thighs and shoving him back.
Derek’s hands left her hair as he swore .
She hit the edge of the bed, the nausea twisting and sending her scrambling for the bathroom. Deep breaths kept the vomit in her stomach. She wasn’t sure how much time passed before she stood, pushing away from the toilet. She stared into the mirror above the sink, realizing she was crying.
She wanted Ramiro.
No, she needed to stop running to him like that. She was fine. She’d stop crying soon.
“Oh no, baby. You didn’t like it?”
She met Derek’s gaze in the mirror. His eyebrows pulled down, a sad frown on his face. She’d done that. She’d made him sad.
“Move aside so I can wash my hands. I want to hold you.”
She shifted to give him room, staring at his cum-stained hands. While she’d been freaking out, he’d been finishing himself off. A flare of anger rose but then faded. No, this was better. Now she wouldn’t have to feel guilty about leaving him with an erection.
He washed in the sink, and she realized his penis was still out, dangling in front of his pants.
She only had on her underwear and heels. Being naked with a man made her feel vulnerable for the first time in a while.
His water-dampened hands tried to pull her against his chest, close to his hanging penis.
Summer stiffened but forced herself not to pull away. “Can you get my dress? ”
She breathed more easily without him in the small space. Her arms crossed over her chest, covering most of her breasts.
“Here,” Derek said, setting her folded dress on the counter, along with her purse. “I thought you might want to…” His hands waved at her face before he slipped back out.
At least his penis had been tucked away.
Summer put her clothes back on, still hating the dress, she admitted to herself, but at least it covered her, mostly.
She washed her face with his hand soap. As she patted it dry, she stared at herself in the mirror, hating what she saw there. She lowered the towel. She needed to be stronger than this.
Her eyes slid to her purse. Her cell phone was tucked inside. Ramiro said she could call him. He’d be mad at her if she was in trouble and didn’t call him.
She wasn’t in trouble, though. Derek had stopped.
If she told Ramiro what had happened, he’d try to kill Derek. The man didn’t deserve death for being horny.
Ramiro had tried to teach her how to be strong on her own. She couldn’t handle showing him how pointless all his efforts had been, not on top of how she was already feeling about herself.
Her hand pressed into her stomach harder. The test was in her purse. She still needed to talk to Derek and take the test.
Not tonight. She couldn’t handle anything else tonight.
Ramiro didn’t want her to go home alone. He only had her safety in mind. She couldn’t worry him again, not twice in one day .
He’d told her not to go to work tomorrow, she remembered. Tears flooded her eyes. She was such a crybaby, even at twenty-seven. When she finally stopped, she washed her face all over again.
Summer left her purse in the bathroom as she edged out to find Derek pacing in the bedroom, his expression tight.
“Can I still stay here tonight?” she asked.
Derek’s tightened face relaxed. “Of course you can.” He crossed the room, putting his arms around her.
Summer held her body still, breathing through her need to pull away. “I’m tired,” she said, relieved when he eased back.
“Do you want one of my shirts to wear?”
She shook her head, not wanting anything of his, and watched him cross the room to the dresser.
It took her a couple of tries to loosen the ankle straps on her heels. Her fingers felt too numb. Once she had them off, she curled into a ball under the covers, as close to the edge of the bed as she could get.
The lights in the room switched off, and there was a dip in the bed. The arm that snaked around her waist felt like a weight holding her in place and made her skin crawl.
She closed her eyes, breathing through it.
“I’m sorry, Summer,” Derek said, kissing her hair and making her nerves worse. “Can you forgive me?”
Her throat tightened, but she forced the words through. “I’m sorry, too. ”
His arm relaxed against her. She waited for him to draw it back. Derek had never been a snuggler, which usually bothered her, but tonight she would prefer that.
“I don’t know what came over me,” he said, his breath too warm where it brushed over her skin. “I think I just wanted you too much. It’s been a while.”
She curled into herself tighter at the accusation beneath his words. Two weeks hadn’t seemed long to her, but she should have thought more about his needs. She’d been considering breaking up with him instead and had made excuses when he’d wanted to go back to his place after the last couple of dates.
She should try to make things work. Derek was nice, most of the time. And there was the coming test to show him, a test she was dreading, one she prayed would show a different result, even if that wasn’t likely.
Derek just wasn’t Ramiro. As the weight of the arm around her began to feel suffocating, she imagined it as someone else’s. Someone bigger and safer.
Ramiro had held her in his arms today. He’d called her his baby girl.
Derek’s soft snores filtered into the static in her head. She let the burning tears slip down her cheeks, remembering the way Ramiro’s thumb had wiped them away and crying even harder because he wasn’t there to do it again.