5. Chapter 4
Chapter 4
5 years prior
S ummer hugged the throw pillow against her chest as she curled her legs closer to her body, wishing she could grow smaller. It would be perfect if she could disappear into the couch. She could just fade away.
She lay her cheek on the pillow, willing the heat from her eyes. There was no reason to cry. She’d been the one to end things with Chris tonight. She always ended things after a few dates with the same guy. It was usually the third date when their hands wandered. Not anywhere inappropriate, not really, but not hand-holding either. They’d graze her arms, light strokes that made her skin crawl. Or their hands would settle at the small of her back, as if telling her she wasn’t going to get away easily.
The kissing she mostly enjoyed. Not as much when their tongues got too eager, but the meeting of lips, the sharing of breaths, that was nice. Some of her dates would involve their arms and hands, though, and then that trapped feeling would rise. Hugging brought that feeling even quicker.
During the third date, they all got that look in their eyes, the one that seemed to ask her for more, and she went numb inside. A part of her wanted to give in, to make them happy. They’d like her more if she gave them what they wanted. But then Ramiro’s voice rose in her head, telling her she should only do what she wanted to do.
He’d actually told her those words. For being such a criminal, he was surprisingly old-fashioned when it came to intimacy. He’d been the one to encourage her to date. It had made her die a little inside. He was reminding her he was out of her league.
She didn’t need the reminder. Ramiro was older and gorgeous and knew what he wanted. He still treated her like that teenage girl that had wept all over him. Which was fair. Summer still cried way too often.
She sniffled, hating the tear that dripped down her nose to plop on the pillow. Her emotions boiled inside, erupting whenever things got too hard.
The world was too hard all the time.
Ramiro was the only reason she wasn’t out on the streets, withering away. He’d propped her up, and he continued to do it. She wasn’t sure if she let him because she’d crumble into dust without his support or because being pathetic was the only way to keep his attention. Ramiro had a savior complex, and she took advantage of that .
Summer pulled the pillow in tighter so her hands wouldn’t reach for her phone, which Ramiro paid for. He also paid for her apartment. She looked around, comforted by all the pieces perfectly placed around the living room. They were hers—the blue bowl that reminded her of waves, the white carpet placed to sink her feet into, and the equally fluffy dark-gray couch she was sitting on. Everything she owned felt just right. Each also held a memory of Ramiro, smiling at her as she got excited about finding something she couldn’t live without.
She wouldn’t call him and burden him with her problems yet again. It would be better if she wallowed alone tonight. Better for him. He had to be getting sick of her by now.
He’d already saved her. She shouldn’t want him to keep saving her all the time.
She watched the screen of her phone light up with his name and squirmed inside. If she answered, he’d hear the sniffling in her voice, but not picking up was just another way to gain his attention.
Summer lunged for the phone, accepting the call as she fumbled it to her ear. “I’m home. I’m fine.”
“Open the door, Summer,” Ramiro said.
She stared at the front door in surprise. “There wasn’t a knock,” she mumbled.
“Should I have used my key?” he asked, his voice soft. He was using the tone that made it harder to suck back the tears, and her lip trembled .
“Do what you want,” she said, hanging up and burying her face in the pillow.
A shift in air pressure followed the metallic click of the door unlocking. He must have closed the door softly, or maybe her heart was beating too loud to hear anything over it, because she was already in his arms, not feeling trapped at all, even though he took up all the space in the room.
Summer shoved the pillow away so she could feel his silky shirt under her cheek instead. Ramiro had started wearing really nice suits. He looked great in them, and he smelled even better. She snuggled her nose into the material, inhaling his scent that was citrus and spice and vanilla all combined.
His large hand pressed into the small of her back, and what had felt controlling and uncomfortable with another man now unraveled the tightness along her spine. She melted into the heat of his touch.
It was Ramiro doing the touching, after all, and she was head over heels in love with him. She had been ever since he’d told her she was his on a bridge on the darkest night of her life.
His chest moved beneath her as he took a deep breath, and she listened to the steady beat of his heart, wishing she could stay like that, there with him forever.
But even though she was his, he wasn’t hers.
“Gonna let me kill this one?” Ramiro asked, his voice rumbling through her.
“He didn’t do anything. ”
“You always say that, yet here you are, crying again.” He rubbed along her back, making her chest ache even as he relaxed her further. “Tell me how to change that.”
Summer’s hand moved to rest over his chest next to her head, her fingers unable to resist stroking, just a little. She swallowed, trying to make her lips move.
“Have sex with me.”
His body stiffened, his heartbeat stuttering in shock.
His hands found her shoulders and pushed her away enough to study her face. “Why would you say that, baby girl?”
Her skin tingled from the nickname. He’d used it so much less frequently lately. Until this moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it.
His eyes were gentle. They didn’t have that needy begging that her dates usually had. The idea of sex with her made him worry. It didn’t turn him on.
Summer had known that would be the case, but that didn’t make the reality any easier.
His hand left her shoulder, brushing the hair off her forehead and tucking it behind her ear. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Guys want sex,” she said, letting her head dip to stare at her hands and not into those caring but not heated eyes.
“Did your date pressure you?” Ramiro’s hand on her shoulder tightened before releasing her. “I’ll kill him.”
His body shifted as if to rise, and she grabbed for him, knowing he was serious. “No! Well, not really. ”
“Which is it, Summer? Because if he dumped you for not putting out, I’m gonna—”
Her hand moved over his mouth, causing his lips to graze her palm. The sensation sent a flush through her body, one she’d felt around him before, but one that was also still foreign.
“This is my hang-up, Ram. I’m scared of it, but I’m so sick of being scared.”
Ramiro’s eyes softened. His hand slid over hers, big enough to hide all of it as he pressed a kiss into her palm, deliberately this time, before pulling it to his cheek. Her fingers rasped over his beard, filling her with more tingles.
“That’s not so surprising. Give yourself time.”
She shook her head. “I have given myself time. It’s making it worse. What happened… it’s my only point of reference, but it’s all jumbled in my head, no matter how hard I try to remember.”
“That wasn’t sex.” Ramiro’s hand tightened on hers. “It’s better that you don’t remember it.”
“It seems more frightening,” she whispered. “And it’s grown in my head.”
“The nightmares?” he asked.
“Yeah, but sometimes I get flashes during the day. When someone touches me, it’s like there are phantom hands.”
His hand over hers tensed, and he stared down at his other hand, which had settled over her knee.
“Not your touch. I trust you.” She took a breath. “That’s why I think it has to be you. I don’t trust anyone the way I trust you.”
His eyes closed tightly .
“Please, Ram.” She hated the tremble in her voice.
His eyes opened again, and the gentleness there had melted away, but he didn’t look like her other dates either. Her skin flushed from the intent way he stared at her.
“Are you sure, Summer? We do this, and there’s no taking it back.” His gaze hadn’t left hers. “I don’t want this to ruin what we have.”
“It won’t. Nothing can ruin it.” Summer couldn’t picture life without Ramiro.
“But it also won’t become more. It can’t.” He moved forward, breaking the spell of his eyes as he kissed her forehead. “My life isn’t for you, baby girl. You deserve a life as bright as you are.”
She didn’t bother contradicting him. He’d said the same before. With how often he had to put her back together, he should have realized how much darkness still lived inside her, but he seemed to see what he wanted to see.
“Are you saying yes?” she asked, holding her breath as she waited for his answer.
Ramiro pulled back, the look in his eyes making her body restless, but not with fear. “When have I not given you what you needed?”
“Never,” she said quickly, launching herself at him.
He caught her with a surprised oof, falling back against the couch with her on top.
With her eyes locked on his, Summer kissed him. What had felt good enough before was so much better because she was kissing Ramiro. Then his lips moved against hers, taking over and ruining her for anyone else.