Chapter 19
Anton is in his parents’ kitchen, and puts down his knife and fork. Their house, where he grew up, is only ten minutes away from his apartment in Duved. Today is his father’s sixty-seventh birthday, which is why he has dragged himself away from work to join them for dinner.
He can’t help feeling guilty. After what happened today, work ought to come before his personal life.
“Time for coffee and cake,” his mother, Susanne, announces.
She points toward the cake stand waiting on the counter.
They have just eaten moose stew with rice.
Anton’s father, ?ke, likes hearty food; it’s a legacy of a career in the army and his role as lieutenant colonel, from which he stepped down two years ago.
“Sounds delicious,” Anton says, getting to his feet.
He helps to load the dishwasher, then gets out three mugs.
As usual ?ke remains seated at the table, straight-backed as befits a soldier, without lifting a finger.
His mother always says that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks when Anton questions the fact that she works full time as a dental hygienist and still does all the cooking and cleaning.
Now that his father has retired, Anton thinks he could make more of a contribution at home.
However, there is no point in bringing it up this evening and spoiling the atmosphere.
After all, it is his father’s birthday, and Anton knows how much it means to his mother that they should get along.
She hates it when there are arguments over family dinners, which unfortunately happens all too often.
It infuriates Anton when his father treats him like one of his subordinates, while ?ke doesn’t think Anton shows sufficient respect.
They are very similar in appearance, both short and muscular with cropped hair, but they are totally different on the inside. Where Anton is meticulous and cautious, even reserved, his father is domineering and utterly sure of himself.
Anton waits his turn to speak, while his father interrupts without a second thought.
Susanne fetches the freshly brewed coffee and the cake. They chat about this and that, about Anton’s sister, Karro, and her two children—Wilda is almost eleven, Emil is eight. Wilda has a cold; that’s why they’re not here this evening. Anton misses them; he is very fond of his niece and nephew.
The new case means he won’t be able to hang out with them over Easter.
“Isn’t it time you thought about a family of your own?” his father says, adjusting the collar of his checked flannel shirt. “You’re not getting any younger. Think of the fun Karro has with her kids. The clock is ticking!”
Anton stiffens. This is precisely the kind of conversation he tries to avoid having with his parents. Even though he is thirty-four years old, he hasn’t come out to them. Nor to anyone else; as far as he knows, no one at work is aware that he prefers guys.
That’s the way he wants to keep it.
He has wrestled with the issue many times, and always reaches the same conclusion.
It’s better to keep quiet and pretend that everything is fine than to tell the truth.
He doesn’t want to be “the gay” at the station, the guy who makes his colleagues feel uncomfortable in the changing room or is responsible for an awkward atmosphere in the sauna.
HR can talk until they’re blue in the face about basic values and everyone’s right to equal treatment, but the reality is considerably tougher. Old attitudes still exist within the Swedish police. Not many officers are openly gay, whatever the leadership might say in its policies.
Especially not outside the big cities.
“You can’t spend all your time working, training, and playing the saxophone,” his father goes on. “You need to think about the future—do you really want to live alone for the rest of your life?”
Anton swallows an angry response. It’s typical of his father to bring up the saxophone too. ?ke is tone deaf; all the hours Anton spent practicing in his room when he was growing up were a source of conflict. Fortunately his father served in Boden for many years, so he was often away for weeks.
Anton is about to speak when his mother holds up her hand.
“Leave him alone,” she says sharply. “He’ll find the right person eventually. We have no right to nag him—he’s an adult and he can make his own decisions.”
Anton gives her a grateful look. He can’t work out whether she is deliberately trying to save him from a difficult topic or whether she is simply irritated by ?ke’s pompous comments.
He can’t have this discussion again, especially not tonight. It has been a long and demanding day. He intends to go in early tomorrow to make up for his absence.
He decides to change the subject. “Delicious cake.”
For some reason his thoughts turn to Carl, the man he met at the night club known as Bygget last year.
Anton still hasn’t gotten over him. They spent a few unforgettable nights together, moments that shook him to the core.
It was new and inexplicable, and for the first time he could imagine openly being with another guy.
It all went wrong of course, and it was his own fault.
First the investigation got in the way; then time simply passed. He doesn’t know whether he avoided contact because he was afraid of rejection, or whether he was too cowardly to stand up for who he is.
Over the past year, he has seen Carl in the village now and again, but has never gone over to say hi. His courage has failed him on every occasion.
“I need to make a move,” he says, pushing back his chair. He can’t sit here any longer. He needs fresh air.
“Now look what you’ve done!” his mother snaps at ?ke. “You frighten him away with your stupid questions!”
His father grunts something incomprehensible and reaches for another slice of cake. It is clear that he doesn’t enjoy life as a retiree. He complains constantly and gets irritated by small things. Having nothing to do doesn’t suit him, but that isn’t Anton’s problem.
He can’t deal with any of that, not today.
Right now he just wants to go home, play his saxophone, and try to obliterate all his memories of Carl with the help of the music.