Chapter 12 | Her
If you could ever feel the stun right after being impaled in the chest, before the pain that follows; this must be how it feels.
I was guilty for making out with a mad man just days ago. And now I’ve had full blown sex with the same mad man... Worse! He took my virginity, the sacred part of me I guarded for so many years.
I can’t face anybody... can’t look at myself in the mirror. The fucking mirror!
For a brief moment I consider throwing something – anything at the damned glass. But before I could do something stupid yet again, I remember the stupidity that cost my virginity last night.
When I try to get up, I realize I’m still bound with the belt around my wrist on the headpost behind me. Although I clearly remember being butt naked, but right now, I am somewhat covered by my satin overcoat and the comforter. And I’m still soaking the mattress in my blood. The blood on my chest and face has dried into what feels like another layer of skin on my body. His fucking skin.
I try peeking in the mirror, only to realize the ache in body is too much to even try moving. I tug and tug and pull on the belt for release, when I already know there’s no release from this. No release from the ache I feel in my soul.
Tears flood my eyes and I let it flow. At last, some sort of release. I let myself weep at my ruins. I’d be stupid to keep hoping for someone to come by and help me out of my restraints.
I’m forced out of my solace by a sudden buzz on my phone. My god damning phone! I grit my teeth as memories of last night resurface when I went out looking for it. The buzzing doesn’t stop and my head is already hurting. It’s still very early in the morning. But who could call me at this hour?
Don’t act dumber than you already have... Of course, it’s him again. The bastard still isn’t done with you.
With one good kick that earns me an ache, I kick the phone resting on the corner the bed, and it flies across the room before hitting the wall with a crash. What did he assume I would do? Pick up the phone so he could harass me some more.
But then the possibility that it could have been someone else; the logical part of my brain is catching up a bit late today. Fuck! Did I just screw my chance to ask for help?
My mind is contemplating every single thought; even calling for help wouldn’t have helped me. Why? Because I wouldn’t want to let anybody see me like this. Embarrassment is the last thing I’d want after losing my pride.
Tears of frustration trace the same dried path they created last night as I sob at my plight. The fucker ruined me for everybody. The worst part – he made me beg for it.
My eyes trace their way down my body. Shattered. Broken. And undone.
A knock on the main door startles me; and pulling myself out of my misery, I wriggle struggling with the bondage. And the door is left open, so whoever’s on the door is about to walk in.
As the sound of approaching footsteps increase, my heart has jumped up my throat. The fright is killing me. What if it’s him? What if he’s back?
If its him again, I may die of a heart attack. Pulling my legs to my body, I try my best to coil into a fetal position, forcing my eyes shut as if that’s an escape. Don’t want to face him again...
But then his voice fills in the heavy air as he calls out my name, and all the panic dissipates instantly; although shame is the first thing I feel when Nakul walks in. His eyes wide in horror as he rushes to me after realizing my condition.
Tears of relief flood my cheeks as he starts undoing the belt before wrapping his arms around me; fixing my overcoat around my naked skin.
“It’s okay... You’re safe with me.”
I dip my head, hiding further inside his chest as hesitation and insecurity fills inside my head. This guy appears whenever I need someone; every time like an angel sent just for me. Even then, he should have been the last person to see my shame.
Several minutes pass by in complete silence; just him holding me while every one of my suppressed tears escape carefree. Sensing my silence, he gently pulls me out so I am face to face with him.
But that’s too much for me right now, so I bury my face in the palm of my hands like that’s how hiding works.
“Don’t – don’t look at me... I – I’m not worthy of it anymore.”
A few seconds pass by; breathing is the only sound between us. And then he speaks.
“Who told you that?” His voice is so soft, it’s like he’s holding back more than what he shows.
But I don’t answer because there’s no point.
Cupping my face gently before chinning me up to meet his gaze, he holds the eye contact even when I hesitate. “Don’t ever say that again, Disha. You are worthy of everything. And nothing can change that.”
I shake my head in disagreement, freeing myself from his hold, “You don’t understand. I’m ruined... for everyone... Your kindness isn’t changing a damn thing.”
His fingers find my jaws once again, brushing on it delicately. “I’ll tell you something I haven’t told you before... From the moment when I first saw you, I knew you were something else. Enigmatic; something I hadn’t encountered before. But gradually, I came to understand what made you different...” his voice merely a whisper, “It’s because you are impeccable. No flaw can so much as touch you, let alone corrupt you.”
There’s sincerity in his voice when he speaks, “And as for me, nothing can change the way you look through my eyes.”
“What do I look like... through your eyes?” The words flow without even trying. I am hypnotized by this man.
His muscles tense after hearing my question and I realize maybe he isn’t ready to answer that.
“You don’t want to know. Just know that you are irreplaceable. And maybe one day I’ll tell you exactly why.” There’s a promise lingering behind those words and I instantly feel better.
His voice softens again, “Now, tell me... who did this to you?”
“I – I don’t know...” That’s only half the truth, but do I have another option, with cameras all over this place.
His brows furrow in confusion, “What? Didn’t you see him?”
“No. The lights were out.” My lies are getting better. But that’s okay... for the sake of our safety.
He knows Nakul’s name now, and you wouldn’t want to risk him to the psychopath.
“One last question...” He speaks softly, but I know where this is heading. “Do you want to report it to the authorities?”
Dread paints across my face the moment it crosses my mind. His threat... You won’t speak of it to anyone as long as I tell you not to.
I gulp hard shaking my head in refusal, “No.”
“Why not? I mean I could testify if you’d want.”
Even if I contemplate the thought of reporting it, the idea of dragging my shame makes me more uncomfortable than providing the relief it typically should. It may sound despicable but the idea of running away from this issue than file a complaint sounds more relieving. My flight is hardly in twelve hours from now. I’ll leave before the bastard has another chance to come find me.
“I don’t want to report it...” I shake my head again.
“I’m nobody to question or judge your decision; but have you seen yourself. This kind of thing should be reported, Disha. This man must have been a psychopath to have you covered in God knows what.” He picks a flaking piece of dried blood from my cheek, “Wait...is that blood? Get that out already...”
And then before I could react, he is picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the bathroom while still trying to avoid direct contact with my naked skin. Placing me on the ottoman, he turns on the faucet to fill warm water in the tub. Then checks the water before placing me inside the bath, “Soak in this for some time... I’ll be right outside. Just call me if you need anything.”
He closes the door behind him and I finally get a chance to see the state I truly am in. With shaky legs I get up and try to walk towards the mirror. The jerk knocked me up so bad, I am having difficulty in walking without inflicting a low pain in the soreness between my legs.
The mirror has me almost screaming.
The sight before me is of a stranger, because she is covered in blood; drying all over her body. Her face painted in red, just like the devil from last night.
Do I want to cry again? Yes! I hate this version of me... I hate you! My mind screams at the sight of me as I scrub and scrub and scrub until every last sign of the devil’s blood is washed away from my body.
When I’m done, I cry my heart out before washing that off too. No more tears because of him. You’ll leave and be gone for good.
I peek out to find Nakul still sitting in the room, his face turned towards the mirror from hell, away from me. Seeing my reflection, he gets up and rushes towards me, “Do you need anything?”
“Yes...actually could you pass me the...” I point towards the cupboard.
He easily scoops through the clothes and hands me the undergarments, bathrobe and the pack of sanitary napkins I was looking for last night.
I can’t seem to meet his eyes. It is uncomfortable because he’s not supposed to be seeing all this. I am too much of an introvert to be comfortable about such extremely personal stuff. But he’s only trying to help... And I am more grateful than I’ll ever be able to express.
When I step out of the washroom in only a bathrobe, he starts walking out, “I’ll be in the other room.”
I nod and stare at him as he walks out. Men can be so similar, yet so different at the same time. Some are so unhinged; they pay no respect to other people’s choices. Others can be so tame, so in control, that it’s almost painful. Admirable!
While Nakul is a total flirt on other days... today, he is the antonym of it. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that the gentlemanly version of him is making me weak in the knees, when I should be weeping about my condition.
If I liked him a little before, I am standing on the edge of an infatuation right now.
And now is the worst time for getting attracted to anyone; considering I am supposed to be wearing another man’s ring in a week’s time.
As soon as I head out of my room, memories of what happened last night resurface and just when I am about to turn back and run for my life, Nakul’s voice cuts in, bringing me back to reality.
“You, okay?” He gets to his feet as soon as he sees me.
“Yeah, I’m fine... forgot something in the room.” The panic from moments ago is inevitably evident even if I try to conceal it.
“It did not seem like it. Anyways, were you looking for this?” A chill runs down my spine at his choice of words. Is this what you came looking for? The devil’s voice is ringing inside my head, hitting my head like a hammer, again and again.
When he calls me out again, I jolt back to realization.
It’s all inside your head. Calm the fuck down!
“Let’s go get you a new phone... And...”
“And?”
“I could accompany you to a doctor. You’d need contraceptives unless...”
“Unless?” Tears of shame find their way into the corner of my eyes once again as I speak averting my gaze, “No, Nakul... I am not on contraceptives. It was my first time... I was robbed of my virginity last night.”
His fingers brush on my cheeks and when I peek from beneath my lashes, I find him kissing the tear that rests on his fingertips. Wrong time butterflies, have some shame!
“I’m sorry... I didn’t mean it like that. You’d be the last person I’d want to judge.”
“Do you know of a doc around here... a little discreet if possible?”
“Don’t worry about that... Just be ready at ten.”
AT ABOUT FIVE IN THEevening, I open my eyes startled by a touch; and I instantly withdraw myself before realizing who it is.
Nakul is seated on the couch beside me, brushing a lock of hair away from my face.
“Did I scare you?”
I heave a sigh of relief before getting up and leaning on the cushion he places behind me, “When did I...”
“Sleep?” he cuts in, “You slept when I went to the kitchen to get the hot water bag.”
The warm bag on my belly... he must have put it there, without waking me up.
“Here...hot chocolate for the lady,” handing me over the mug, smiling like he purposely wants me weak in the knees.
I mean I was sort of attracted to him, but today he’s been the support I never knew I needed. After the appointment, we went to a store to get my new phone; he then drove me back here, and cooked our lunch even though I insisted I could do it by myself. The best part is that he’s not only taking care of me, but he does so without me asking for it.
What will he think of you when he comes to know that you moaned his name yesterday? He doesn’t need to know anything about it.
The feeling rising in my chest is of pure admiration. He is the kind of man I would’ve pictured myself falling in love with. But it is too late to consider.
“Do you need me to stay with you? I can sleep on the couch... Just say the word.”
Yes, I want to be with you. Please stay!
“Nakul, I need to talk to you about something...” His eyes narrow at my hesitation, the smile slowly fading away to make room for concern, “I – I’m getting engaged next week. I’ll be flying home tonight.”
“What?” His eyes darken in astonishment, “Don’t tell me you agreed to their offer... This is crazy!” There’s panic in his voice when he speaks. “And you are in no health to...”
“Nakul...” I interrupt, “Everything is set. I can’t back out now.”
There’s no sign of the smile that was on his face moments ago. In its place is hurt and something else that I can’t seem to understand.
“And what about the scars... You – You need rest, and those... they need healing.”
“I know you care about me, and believe it or not I do that too... more than I’ll ever be able to show. But everything is fixed, and I can’t turn back now. I can’t disappoint my parents again, especially when I took the first step to reconcile...” Regret lingering in my voice.
He almost growls before getting a hold on himself, “Is avoiding a stupid arrangement so difficult for you?”
He paces back and forth in front of me, hands laced in the hair like he wants to take matters into his own hands. If only he could. “Your health, your will... none of that matters to you?”
“I can’t back out of this situation without embarrassing me or my family... There’s no turning back... If I could I would.” My voice breaking from the desperation of letting him know how bad I feel right now. The one guy that has made my heart flutter in god knows how many years is the one I’ll have to leave behind, for a man that I don’t even like.
The expression on his face is unreadable; his voice almost dangerously soft. “So, you can’t say no? Even when you clearly know you’re not in the state to leave...”
“Nakul, please don’t make it more difficult than it already is...”
“Oh – yes... I won’t. I’ll leave for now...” He looks over his shoulder before exiting; his final words are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. “But just so you know, I’ll always keep waiting for you. However long it takes...”
When he leaves, I fall back on the couch; disappointment and worry, like a burden on my shoulder. The unspoken words are going to kill me.
I wish I could tell him that I wouldn’t waste another minute in contemplating about this. I wanted to run into his arms and tell him that I wish we could give a name to this situationship; that I want to run away from this shit going on in my life.
But it’s a lot for me to handle at the moment. And I have no clue what I said to infuriate him like that; or what makes him think anything could change.
But the weird thing is that I hadn’t seen him angry like tonight, and to be honest... it’s freaking terrifying.