30. Jaxson
30
Jaxson
L auressa does everything in her power to try to avoid me for the next three weeks. I decide to let her.
I decide to let her think the firewalls she put on her phone and electronic devices to block my number and IP address, no matter what VPN I’m using, are working. I decide to let her think that she’s successfully found a way to avoid me by working long hours at work so she doesn’t get back home until close to midnight. I let her think that she’s no longer my top priority. That other things have taken precedence.
While it’s true that the end of the year is busy for me as far as the Sovereignty is concerned, nothing has taken precedence over Lauressa. Allowing her to have distance from me is part of my conversion process, especially after the intense experience she had the last time we were together. Because once she got over the terror, the humiliation, the fear, the anger, the disgust, all that was left was awe. All that was left was the truth. The truth being that Lauressa has always desired the same things that I’ve desired. Control and power. The only difference is my motivations are selfish and hers are altruistic. But at the end of the day, the ends are all the same .
I could have spent the last few weeks telling her what I observed. Holding it over her head and using every opportunity to bring it to her attention. But all that would do would give her ammunition to say I’m projecting ideas onto her and putting them in her head. It would give her more ammunition to fight me.
So I restrain myself. I pull back. I don’t say anything. I don’t try to force myself into her life. Into her vicinity. Into her mind. Because I’m already there. Lauressa has already let me in. I don’t have to be there to drown her. Being forced to sit with her own conflicted thoughts after the realization of our last encounter will do more work in the conversion process than I could ever manage with her. No matter how much I miss the entertainment of our tug-of-wars.
It's not until after Thanksgiving that I see her again, working in coordination with One Humanity and a group that specializes in working with at risk LGBTQ youth. I had planned on skipping the event knowing Lauressa was planning to be there, but J insisted that he go and that I go with him. I could have said no. But if I had, J undoubtedly would have mistaken my refusal as some kind of prejudice or phobia against him and others like him despite all evidence to the contrary. Because preteens and teens are sensitive about things like that and have a way of mischaracterizing even the best of intentions.
We arrive at the One Humanity community resource center where J signs up as a youth participant, and I sign up as a volunteer on behalf of the Sovereignty .
“Jaxson,” June says when she sees me. “I knew you donated money to help with the event, but didn’t know the Sovereignty was coming.”
“I didn’t want to make a big show of it. Hence the anonymous part of the donation,” I remind.
She smiles and says, “Come on. I’ll put you with Res. You don’t mind, right? The two of you work so well together.”
She starts to lead me to where Lauressa is without getting my okay about it. I’m surprised when June leads me to the kitchen of all places.
Lauressa is barking orders and coordinating like she usually is. Dark hair pulled into a messy bun with a hair claw. The same lock of purple highlight falling from the top of her head and into her face like it always does. Messy apron on.
She’s tasting something from a huge pot.
“More salt,” she says to the person responsible.
“You’re going to give people high blood pressure,” the younger man she’s talking to says wryly.
“You agree something’s missing, right?” she asks and he nods. “The flavors are all there, and it’s cheesy enough. They’re just not as cohesive as they should be. Means that it needs salt. I guarantee you. Just a little at a time. Keep tasting until it tastes just right. You’ll see.”
The young man gives her a skeptical look but goes back to the pot to do as told.
June says, “Just ask her what she needs. I know she has something she needs someone to do. Then she looks at J. Come find me when you’re done greeting Res. I’ll put you with a group. Okay, honey? ”
J nods and makes his way over to Lauressa ahead of me, tapping her on the shoulder.
“J!” Res exclaims.
“Why do you always greet me like you didn’t expect to ever greet me again?” J asks with a roll of his eyes as he hugs Lauressa, much to her obvious surprise. I’m surprised too. J is weird about people touching him. Lauressa stiffens before awkwardly hugging him back like she’s afraid J will break or disappear if she hugs him too tight.
“When did you get here?” she asks.
“My friend brought me,” J says vaguely.
“The mysterious friend you won’t let me meet?”
“You’ve already met him,” I say, and Lauressa finally notices me behind J.
The reaction she has to me is open and obvious. There’s the typical fear and wariness. Some anger. Always curiosity. But this time, for the first time, naked longing. She looks like a drowning woman finally breaking the surface for air.
Her face becomes a blank mask as she quickly puts the clues together and says, “It’s you? You’re the friend J is staying with. But…”
“I’m not really staying with him as much as he funds my life and puts a babysitter on me. But this is the idiot that makes me do all my homework in the morning before I can play video games now,” J grumbles.
“And what about… You know. Your dad…” Lauressa trails off.
“I’ve got that handled,” I say before anything more can be said about it. “Why don’t you go find June? ”
Jay looks ready to protest until he notices what I notice. He scowls before saying, “Right. See you later,” and leaving.
Lauressa looks over her shoulder and makes a scowl identical to the one J made.
“For fucks sake, I was not prepared to deal with you and my brother today.”
“Res,” David says, wiping his hands on his apron. “I put all that seasoning on top of the chicken like you said. Now what?”
“I left the plastic wrap with you. Wrap it up.”
“I don’t know how to use plastic wrap,” David answers.
“It’s not that hard,” Lauressa snaps, clearly trying not to lose all patience with her older brother. “They even have instructions on the back of the box.”
“I just know you have specific ways of doing things.”
“I do. But right now I just need it done.”
“Perhaps, I can assist,” I offer.
Lauressa turns back to me and snaps, “I trust you even less in the kitchen Mr. I-never-shredded-cheese until two months ago. Come on. I’ll show you both.”
“Bitch,” David mutters under his breath as we follow Lauressa back to his station in the commercial kitchen.
I decide to let that slide only on accord of David being her older brother and knowing what hostile sibling relationships are like. Goodness knows, I’ve called Magdalene worse for less.
When we get to the meat station, Lauressa asks, “You didn’t mix the meat together? ”
“You told me to put the seasoning on it. You never said mix it,” David says.
“I would have thought that was implied in season the meat,” Lauressa snaps incredulously.
“Sorry.”
“My fucking god, you’re so fucking useless. It would be faster doing it my fucking self. Get out my sight.”
“You’re overreacting, Res.”
“I don’t care.”
“You told me what to do now. I can—”
“Get the fuck out of my sight and ask June if any of the organizers have something else you can do to help,” Lauressa snaps. She then turns her back on David as she pulls on a pair of food preparation gloves, pulls a pan to her, and begins to mix the meat David failed to.
David leaves without saying anything else.
I silently go over to the sink, wash my hands, pull on a pair of gloves, and begin to mix one of the dozen pans.
“How is it that you’re more competent than my brother is at this? Stupid weaponized incompetence is what. I just know he knew he was being a fucking ass,” Lauressa snaps.
“Your brother isn’t worth such unbecoming language, Lauressa,” I say idly. “That said, it also seems like you wanted a reason to be angry at him.”
Lauressa scoffs. “I am not getting lectured by the fucking stalking, torturing, murderous cult leader on how to behave with my brother. ”
“It was just an observation,” I say, genuinely curious about Lauressa’s apparent animosity for her brother.
Through no desire of my own, I’ve had the unpleasant honor of interacting with Loving Eden’s Deacon Board since I’ve been in this city. Particularly David, who I knew was going to be at this event because Loving Eden needed leadership representation here as, and I quote, “a beacon of God’s light to those that participate openly in degradation.” David was chosen because he’s the least homophobic of the deacons. But he’s the same brand of delusional religious zealot as most of the rest. He thinks what he’s doing is genuinely helpful and believes it. No more than Lauressa’s friend, Lyssa, for example. Whatever it is with her hatred of her brother is of a more personal brand.
Lauressa huffs and says, “I can’t help that his general existence incites my ire.”
“Clearly. Doesn’t explain why?”
“I don’t know. And even if I did, I wouldn’t fucking tell you so you can try to use it against me in some psychological torment and manipulation to draw me further into your web.”
I smirk. Lauressa is already fully entangled and wrapped in my web. I am her sun. She is my earth. My only planet with existing life. And like the earth now is threatened by a bunch of greedy assholes who threaten to ruin it forever and another group who believe it’s all divine judgment, so too will this unfulfilling life Lauressa is living ruin her if not for my interference.
She’s right in the sense that I can’t interfere with something I don’t know the workings of. I don’t say that to her though. It would be counterproductive to my goals right now. There’s a time and place to remind her that she can never get away from me.
“The last place I would have expected to find you is in the kitchen,” I comment instead. “I’ve been watching you for almost three months and the most I‘ve ever seen you do is put something in your air fryer.”
“I was raised in a hyper gender role cult. I’ve been in the kitchen since I was seven and cooking for huge amounts of people since I was twelve. Of course, I know how to run a kitchen,” she mutters.
“Still. I’m surprised you’re not out there interacting with the participants.”
She shrugs. “I don’t have the same lived experience they do. Best to leave that to the people that do. I can help in other ways. For once, my skillset is best used in the kitchen. No matter how much I despise it any other time.”
“So you’re saying you don’t despise it now?”
“When my brother isn’t here to ruin shit, no,” Lauressa says with a small smile toward me. Then, no doubt realizing who she’s smiling at, she frowns and turns her head away.
I shake my head and smile in warm fondness at her stubbornness. She makes this so hard on herself. But that’s just part of the conversion process.
“What are you doing here, anyway?” Lauressa asks. “Isn’t this against Sovereignty doctrine? Don’t you all have some outdated, hateful rules that state you can’t participate in events like this? ”
“Only in the case of same-sex weddings because it’s being sympathetic,” I parrot word for word my father’s ruling on the matter. “Besides, we’ve already established—”
“You believe the whole thing is a sham. I know,” she interrupts. “But you’re the one that said you can’t go around openly and flagrantly disregarding the rules of the Sovereignty because it could diminish your place in the hierarchy. And Halloween is one thing, but we all know what the hell the Sovereignty feels about gay people.”
“The same as Loving Eden does and yet they’re here.”
“It’s a recruitment thing,” Lauressa says with a tired sigh. “So long as they don’t… openly show their derision, One Humanity accepts their money, and they get to pass out little shiny ‘graphic-design-is-my-passion’ flyers for their Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve. For all my issues, it is generally harmless. And the other organizers put it to a vote and didn’t mind.”
Her tone tells me everything I need to know about what she thinks about it. That if she could have, she would have told Loving Eden where they could shove their money and good deeds.
“Anyway,” Lauressa moves on, “that doesn’t answer why you risk being here and it getting back to your father.”
“Just sowing the seeds for when I’m Oracle,” I state truthfully. “Me being here isn’t on behalf of the Sovereignty. Just me.”
“I know good and well your father would disagree with that.”
“Well, my father and I disagree with a lot. This is one of the few things I’ve actually debated with him about. I asked him to seek guidance from the Supreme Force, hoping it would overcome his bigotry. The Sovereignty can stay a cult without being open bigots.”
Lauressa slides a fourth pan of chicken to herself but pauses to look at me.
“I don’t get you. How can you want to change that and yet still uphold the Sovereignty?”
“Because if I don’t, ostensibly anyway, I can’t be in the position to seize power to change it when there’s a chance to.”
“Or you can advocate for it now.”
“And who does that help?”
Lauressa rolls her eyes and turns back to mixing the chicken. “Not you. I know.”
“No. Really. My quest for power aside, who does being a rebel and stirring up trouble help? If anything, it just puts a target on the backs of the queer people, especially the children, who are in the Sovereignty now. Who can’t leave even if they wanted to or who don’t want to leave,” I explain. “The best thing I can do is bide my time to help them in a big way in the end and enable help for them from where I am.”
Lauressa scoffs. “As if you really care about that. You only care about it so far as it helps you attain your goals.”
“Yes. But also no. I actually do believe in the rights of queer people. Not everything I think and believe is dictated by whether it can help me become Oracle. It’s just that most things don’t matter to that goal one way or another. So I focus on the things that do.”
Lauressa stares at me with the same bewilderment that she did when we first met. When I told her I knew the Sovereignty was a sham. She shakes her head finally and says, “You are fucking incredible. Do you know that? ”
“I’ll take it as a compliment despite the vulgarity of the delivery,” I state dryly.
“Whatever.”
We’re silent as we finish and work together to cover the chicken in plastic wrap. Then we stack it onto a tray to roll outside to be grilled.
As we do, I say, “While I care nothing about being kind for kindness's sake, you do.”
“Your point being…”
What I’m about to say next is a risk. But I haven’t gotten this far with Lauressa by not taking risks with her. At worst, it will do nothing. Snow White is already mine. She already has the poison apple. The only difference is that she took it home to make a pie, and we’re both waiting on it to finish baking before she eats it. A worst, she’ll realize the pie is cooking too fast and turn down the temperature some.
“You want to help people. I want power. Those two things aren’t the antithesis of one another. In fact, they walk hand in hand,” I say.
Then, for the first time in two weeks, I touch her. Gently cup her jaw and, proving that she’s already in my gravitational pull, she walks toward me. Eyes captivated by mine.
I continue, “Even more, our goals aren’t so different. I do believe in goal of the Sovereignty. The ultimate perfection of all humanity.”
“Humanity isn’t perfect. It’s in its imperfection that it is perfect. The stated goal of the Sovereignty is an impossible mission.”
“Then that mission will never end, and thus never will the Sovereignty. It will exist in perpetuity in pursuit of a better world. ”
I feel Lauressa’s huff of breath against my mouth, and it takes everything in me to hold back. To not kiss her. Just like it took everything in me not to fuck her on that damn cross in my altar three weeks ago.
“The murderer from a murder cult advocating for a better world. Where have I heard that from?” she asks sardonically. “Newsflash. One person calling the shots of what’s good and what’s bad and who gets punished never works out in the end.”
“Perhaps not,” I say, willing to concede that argument. “However, when I’m Oracle, it doesn’t have to just be me. If you’ll stand by my side as my wife, my Queen Priestess, we can definitely figure it out together. My power and control. Your kindness and desire to do no harm.”
I’m toeing the line of what Lauressa will take from me. The only reason she’s so accepting right now is that I’ve been away from her for three weeks. There’s no need for me to tempt anything further. I’ve made my point. I’ve planted an idea in her head.
I let go of her cheek and push the cart myself to the door, feeling the weight of Lauressa’s conflicted but longing gaze in my wake.