Chapter 18
Elliot
I lie on the bed as complete darkness shrouds me.
The only room that was left on such short notice was a single interior room on this fucking ship. I had hoped that maybe it would be a two-night thing at most, that I’d convince Claire to get off the ship and it would be no big deal.
We’d be on a plane back to New York and things would go back to how they always were.
Not that things were great back home, either. But at least there I knew she was safe.
I groan, grabbing my phone, the light is bright as fuck with how dark it is in here. I open the text with Axel and sigh.
Axel
Don’t go on that ship unless you feel the same way about her.
I didn’t reply.
How do I admit to her brother that I’m in love with his sister and have been for a long time, but I don’t think I’m good for her? Claire deserves the world, everything she wants, and I don’t think I’m selfless enough to give it to her.
The moment I got on the ship, I’d been keeping tabs on her. Which wasn’t an unfamiliar thing for me when it came to Claire.
I often watched her. I tortured myself while making sure that she was safe. Not that she didn’t have her own security detail with her family or that she was in any danger ever.
It was all some sick, self-flagellation-like obsession I had with her.
For the longest time, she was just Axel’s and Jonah’s little sister. She nearly felt like family to me. Then something switched two summers ago.
She wasn’t a little girl anymore; she was a self-assured woman that smelled like the sweetest ambrosia I could have imagined.
She was this beautiful Omega who didn’t take shit from anyone, and I liked that more than I’d like to admit.
She was the kind of woman I could see myself with and I knew if I wasn’t cautious, I’d try to claim her for myself.
But Claire wanted a pack, and I didn’t. That’s an extreme lifestyle difference, one that can’t just be talked through. One of us would have to compromise, and I wasn’t sure that I could. So, instead, I sat back, watched, ached, knowing she was what I couldn’t have.
It wasn’t some stupid macho bullshit where her brothers told me to stay away; it was actually the opposite; they told me to not cross that boundary unless I knew without a single doubt that I could commit.
Committing to Claire would be easy. Committing to a whole fucking pack? That’s a whole other story and there’s one undeniable truth: Claire is an Omega who wants a pack more than she wants anything. More than she could ever want me.
She grew up with a pack, knew with every fiber of her being that’s what she wanted. Meanwhile, I grew up watching my father covet my Omega mother like his life ended and began with her. I couldn’t deny that it was something I wanted for myself.
Sharing her sounded horrific.
I suffered every time I saw her flirt with another Alpha back home. I hated that she was going to Heat Haven, but there was nothing I could do about it. One of us would end up broken-hearted and if it had to be one of us, I’d take the brunt of that pain every time, no questions asked.
But what I saw tonight? The way she was with that Alpha?
Fuck.
That man she was with wasn’t some hookup. He wasn’t one of the meaningless men Claire had dalliances with to fill some sort of void back home. I still regretted the way I brought that up when I saw her. I could tell I hurt her feelings, but maybe that’s what I needed to do for her to get over me.
So then why did her calling him her Alpha make my stomach sour?
There were so many times I sat in self-hatred when I saw her with someone else, but this was more, and I’m not sure how the fuck to deal with it.
I have a few options; leave this obsession behind me, let Claire have everything she wants and realize that I’m not part of the equation, or potentially compromise how I saw my future so that I can be with the woman I’ve secretly yearned for over the past two years.
A growl vibrates in my chest when I consider sharing Claire with the massive Alpha who had her pinned against the wall.
The only thing I’m completely certain about is I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I’m not leaving this ship until I make a decision and until I know Claire is safe.
There were so many men in New York who used Claire for either her designation, her name, or her wealth. Even if I couldn’t have her, if we were never destined to be together that way, I’d always make sure she was okay.
It was that thought that helped me eventually fall to sleep.
I don’t meet Claire for breakfast, but I watch her eat breakfast with that Alpha and a Beta. I take photos, find their identities, and I can’t decide if the fact they are squeaky clean, upstanding citizens pisses me off or gives me some sort of relief.
Based on their finances, they don’t need money; I mean, they don’t compare to Claire’s wealth, but it wouldn’t be a determining factor.
The two men dote on her, laugh with her, and are gentle with her. The Beta, Wells, constantly has her laughing. They chat animatedly at the table, but I can’t hear their conversation from this distance. The Alpha is calmer than when I met him last night, his stance protective and watchful.
I’m at an impasse, because I know this is what she deserves, but I’m also pissed that it isn’t me making her laugh, it isn’t me openly watching her in that way.
I’m not oblivious; I know that Claire feels something for me, but I’ll never let it go anywhere besides making it appear like a one-sided crush.
The worst thing I could have done was to give into her advances, really let ourselves fall to only come to the imminent conclusion that our lives were different.
My phone chimes, a message from my sister. It had to be sometime in the afternoon in New Zealand, her and Axel are the only ones who know what I’m doing. Sophie and Claire are friends, though not as close as they were as kids with my sister’s demanding career. She’s hardly ever in New York anymore.
Soph
So?
So what?
Soph
Did you confess your undying love? The epic friends who both thought they were unrequited lovers who finally both admit how they feel for one another and run off into the sunset?
She’s already started a fucking pack on board.
Soph
Full on mate bites and everything? I knew Claire was powerful, but fuck.
No. No bites.
Soph
Even if she had a pack, had bite marks on her, you know that being together is still an option?
I don’t answer for a long time, deleting each message that I consider sending.
Soph
You have so many friends, co-workers, and extended family that you’re close to, Elliot. Would having a pack be so different?
Yeah, they’d be fucking my girl.
Soph
Ugh. Grow up, Elliot. Just because our parents didn’t have a pack doesn’t mean that it’s the only way to live life.
Either find a Beta who’s happy with monogamy or grow a pair, because Mom was a rare case.
Most Omegas need packs. Claire is a pack Omega.
Nut up or leave her alone so you can both be happy.
I read her message a few times, knowing that she’s right in multiple regards. I don’t reply and I leave the buffet hall and continue to watch Claire and the pack that’s courting her throughout the day.
Turks and Caicos fucking sucks.
I should have been hopping on a plane with Claire at my side, heading back to New York and going back to the status quo. Both of us equally unsatisfied and caring for one another and never speaking a word of it.
The sunshine glows against Claire’s skin, glistening because these men keep applying sunscreen on her like it’s their fucking mission in life. Their hands are reverent as they touch her, like she’s a goddess they worship.
It’s what she deserves. In fact, she deserves the universe put at her feet.
A beach server comes by and I order another beer, sipping on it, and watch as she goes into the crystalline ocean with them.
Her bathing suit clings to her body like a second skin as the Alpha carries her by the waist into the water so she doesn’t have to walk on any shells.
I’m not good enough for her, and never was. I should walk away, accept that she’s the one who always got away, yet I sip my beer and watch.
My favorite torture becomes watching Claire and these two men. I can’t look away, I can’t leave, but can I change?
The next day, I wonder if Claire is speculating if I left the ship at the last port. I probably should have, at the very least, I should speak to her, but what the fuck do I say?
I’m watching Wells kiss her throat as she drinks some frozen drink with an umbrella in it.
The sun is setting, and there’s a myriad of designations on the top deck.
Music blares as people dance, touch, and swim in the pool.
It’s all very unsettling, and it adds another tick in the pro box of me leaving this ship.
My phone vibrates and I ignore it, just hooked on watching them.
Suddenly light-blue eyes I’m all too familiar with lock on mine, unblinking as the Beta kisses her, the Alpha strokes her hair.
She’s taunting me, and she fucking knows it. Part of me thinks she knows I’ve been watching this whole time and she wants me to suffer.
I probably deserve it.
I don’t look away; I don’t crack. She pats Wells’ hand, sitting up from the lounge chair and handing him her drink as she saunters toward me.
She puts her hands on her hips and sighs down at me.
“So, are you going to stalk me the entire cruise or are you actually going to come and speak to me? At the very least, apologize how you spoke to me the other night,” she scolds me and it’s well deserved.
I lost my shit that night and I regret the way I acted. Most of all I regret hurting her feelings.
“I apologize for the way I spoke to you. I’m sorry I hurt you,” I say and she motions her hand to continue and I stare at her.
“And for being extremely rude to Forrest,” she adds and I just stare at her, which has her rolling her eyes. “Elliot…”
The way she says my name sends a shiver down my spine, and I hope that she doesn’t notice.
“Could we talk? Not here. In private?” I ask her.
I’m not sure what to say. Maybe I can convince her to come back if I’m more level-headed. But doing that would hurt her even more, and that’s the last thing I want to do.
“We could go to your room?” I suggest and she shakes her head.
“No, I can’t have your scent in there.”
Fuck, it probably smells like that Alpha. It would probably send me over the edge going in there and scenting them together, too.
“My room it is. 6104,” I tell her.
“Let me go tell them and get changed. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I do my best to not watch her ass as she walks back to the men who are giving her everything that I can’t. The gigantic Alpha glares daggers at me when he looks at me.
It takes everything in me to not give him the middle finger. It’s best to not make things any worse than they already are.
I go back to my room and sit on the bed and wait for a knock on the door.
When her knuckles rasp against the door, it’s with a heavy sigh I answer and fling the door back. She immediately looks around the small space and arches a dark brow at me.
“It was the only room available on such late notice,” I say.
“And why exactly did you buy a ticket?” she says, going over to the desk, running a fingertip over my closed laptop.
“So I could take you back home, where you’re safe,” I reply, and she taps the top of my laptop three times.
“Elliot…I don’t have time for this.” She spins around in the small space and wraps her arms around herself.
She doesn’t look at me, instead at the floor.
“I had issues dating back home because I thought no one wanted me for me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realize I wouldn’t entertain any of those packs because they weren’t you.
I came on this cruise to find a pack and I found men who like me—really fucking like me—and I like them back.
I can’t be here and do what I came here to do if you stay. ”
She clears her throat, finally looking up at me.
“That is, if you’re actually just here for my ‘safety.’” She uses air quotes for the last part.
“I won’t beg you to stay. I won’t ask you to choose me, but what I am going to ask is if you don’t want to be with me, you leave the ship and stop breaking my heart. ”
“Claire,” I sigh her name as her eyes well up with tears. “I never want to hurt you. Not ever.”
“You being here hurts me, Elliot.”
I rub my hands down my face, feeling like the biggest piece of shit.
“What I feel. How—” Claire doesn’t let me finish my stumbling words.
“Do you feel something for me, Elliot?” I nod and she sighs. “Is it my brothers, my family?”
“No, it’s me. I don’t think I can give you what you need,” I admit, emotion crawling up my throat.
“It’s all in or nothing, Elliot. I’ve finally found what I’m looking for.
It’s something I always thought that you would be a part of too,” she says sadly, looking back down at the floor.
“I thought maybe you had come on the ship to admit your feelings for me. If that’s not the case, then I need you to leave.
If you care about me in any way, you won’t hurt me by staying and interfering with what I have with Wells and Forest.”
“I don’t—”
She waves a hand at me, not wanting to hear my excuses, I guess.
“If you decide to stay, then that means you’re all in. No more of this will-they-won’t-they nonsense. If you stay, to me, that means you want to be a part of this, that you choose me.”
“It’s not as simple as choosing you. I’d choose you every time.”
Her breath hitches, her scent drawing me into a haze.
Cinnamon apple cake, my favorite dessert.
“Then choose me. Fuck, I just said that I wouldn’t ask you to do that.
You don’t have to give me an answer right now, but the ball is in your court,” she says, heading toward the door to my room, her hand ready to shift the handle.
“I don’t know if it matters, but if I could choose I’d choose you every time too, but I also choose them. ”
With those parting words she leaves the room and I’ve never felt more lost in my life.