Chapter 26
‘So he just asked you to leave?’
Rory, his face pale and drawn, nodded. ‘He said he needed time to process everything. He was so hurt, Kirsty. I could see it in his eyes. I tried to explain how it happened – that it wasn’t planned and we never meant or wanted to hurt him – but he didn’t seem to hear me.
’ He sat down heavily on the bed. ‘I think I’ve lost him all over again. ’
I put my hand on his shoulder, feeling the tension in his body.
My heart ached for him and for Danny. Two brothers torn apart twice.
All because of me. I wished with all my heart that I could explain to them that I just wasn’t worth it.
That I’d never deserved the love of either of them.
That I wasn’t even brave enough to tell them the truth.
‘He’ll come round,’ I said, more in hope than certainty.
‘Will he?’ Rory turned and gave me a doubtful look. ‘You didn’t see him. I’ve never heard Danny yell at me before. He was devastated, and he couldn’t believe I’d lied to him. I can’t blame him for that.’
‘Come to bed,’ I said gently. ‘Tomorrow’s another day, and things always seem better in the morning.’
‘It’s our anniversary tomorrow,’ he reminded me sadly.
I’d forgotten. Again. With everything that was going on it had completely slipped my mind. We’d never got to Kingsford Wold, so I didn’t even have a gift to give him.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said guiltily. ‘I haven’t even got you a card yet, let alone a present.’
‘It really doesn’t matter,’ he said wearily.
‘The gift I sprung on you – this bloody short break in Rowan Vale – has hardly been a roaring success, has it? It’s certainly not turned out the way I’d hoped.
I thought that, somehow, we’d both find closure and be able to move on.
Instead, we find your dead husband, my brother, isn’t really dead at all.
Well, he is, but he’s still around. Still on this earth and living – or un-living – just a couple of hours’ drive from our home.
How are we supposed to patch up our marriage knowing that? ’
‘Where did you go after you left the flat then?’ I asked.
I’d waited ages for him to return to the inn.
I’d almost had dinner without him, except I’d realised I wasn’t in the slightest bit hungry, so I’d come up to my room, had a shower and got into bed instead.
There didn’t seem much point in doing anything else.
‘Just went for a walk,’ he said. ‘Tried to clear my head. Figure out what to do next. I hate that I’ve hurt him. Danny’s been through enough. He doesn’t need this on top of everything else.’
‘You mean, you wish you hadn’t married me?’ I asked nervously.
‘I mean I wish I hadn’t lied to him about it,’ he replied dully. ‘I’m going to get a shower and an early night.’ He stood up and frowned at me. ‘Get your pyjamas on. Haven’t you learned anything from being here?’
‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘but it’s far too hot and I can’t bear it. Don’t worry. I don’t intend to die tonight.’
‘I shouldn’t imagine many people do,’ he said darkly. ‘But by the morning, thousands of people will have. You should think about that.’
Well, that was a cheery thought.
‘Happy anniversary, Rory,’ I mumbled as he disappeared into the bathroom.
I glanced at the clock. Ten fifteen. This was not how this short break was supposed to go.
Once I’d got over the shock of finding myself in Rowan Vale, I’d assumed we’d spend our evenings having dinner in some posh restaurant, or having a jolly time in a pub, or even walking hand in hand by the river in the moonlight.
Instead, we were in our room, getting ready for bed – boring pyjamas and socks included – worrying about hurting the feelings of the ghost of my dead husband.
The very husband we’d come here to mourn and let go. Finally.
Fat chance of that now.
Rory climbed into bed and lay staring up at the ceiling. ‘This really hasn’t worked out how we planned, has it?’
‘Nope.’
‘Where do we go from here, Kirsty?’
He turned onto his side and gazed up at me. I really didn’t know what to tell him.
‘How has this changed us? How has it changed you?’ he asked quietly.
‘I haven’t really had time to think about it,’ I admitted. ‘But it does strike me that it’s pretty pointless laying a wreath at the place Danny died when he’s walking about the village, shares a flat with my cousin, and sings solo parts in the village choir.’
His mouth twitched. ‘Well, there is that.’ He reached up, his finger tracing the line of my shoulder. ‘But it must be weird for you. It’s bad enough for me, but you’ve carried the grief of losing him like a dead weight all these years. Does it make it better or worse that he’s still around?’
Honestly? I really didn’t know. Part of me was glad that he still had some sort of existence, and that he and Brooke were managing to find happiness in such a beautiful village, where they seemed to be part of a bizarre community.
But another part of me had hoped that he’d be at peace, because that way he wouldn’t have to spend every day thinking about me, remembering how much I’d hurt him and let him down.
My only comfort since his death had been that he was no longer tormenting himself with the memory of my betrayal. I didn’t have that comfort any longer. I really didn’t know what to think.
‘I’m not sure,’ I admitted. ‘Danny’s not the only one who needs time to process things.’
There was no ignoring the look of disappointment that crossed Rory’s face.
I threw back the duvet.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked, alarmed.
‘I’m going for a walk,’ I said. ‘I can’t sleep and it’s pointless lying here when all I’m going to do is keep you awake.’
He sat up. ‘Well, I’ll come with you.’
‘No. I don’t want you to!’ I hadn’t meant to sound so abrupt, but it just came out that way. Rory gave me a hurt look.
‘I’m sorry, but I need to be alone. I just want to think things through.’
‘I can’t let you go out there on your own. It’s late. It’s dark.’
‘There are still people out and about. The inn’s still open,’ I pointed out, pulling a sweatshirt over my head.
‘Besides, look at this place! It’s chocolate box territory.
I’ll be fine. And anyway,’ I added, trying to make light of the situation, ‘if I do get killed, chances are I’ll still be hanging around. You won’t get rid of me that easily.’
‘That’s not funny,’ he said bleakly.
I wriggled into my jeans. ‘No,’ I said sadly. ‘It’s really not.’
‘Don’t go, Kirsty,’ he said.
But I needed to be alone. I needed to think.
‘I won’t be long,’ I promised him, pulling on my socks and boots and finding my coat. ‘Get some sleep.’
He gave me a look that told me he wouldn’t sleep a wink until I got back, and I couldn’t blame him. I’d have been exactly the same if our positions were reversed. I probably wasn’t being fair to him, but what was new?
All I knew for sure was that I needed to get out. I couldn’t ask Danny for forgiveness, but somehow, I had to try to forgive myself. Maybe a walk in the moonlight would help me make sense of the mess in my head. I could only hope.
* * *
March 2008
‘Are you sure you’re ready to do this, love?’
Dad’s face was creased with anxiety as he sat opposite me, the cardboard box on the table standing ominously between us.
‘We’d be more than happy to do it for you,’ Mum assured me, her hand gently rubbing my back in a comforting gesture. ‘We don’t mind.’
‘It’s been over a month,’ I said. ‘It’s time I faced up to it.’
Danny’s belongings had been returned to me a while ago now, but I hadn’t been able to look at them. Instead, I’d shoved the box in the cupboard under the stairs and tried to ignore its existence.
I knew Cal had helped Brooke’s parents go through her belongings, and Mum and Dad had offered many times to help me do the same, but it had taken time for me to build myself up to it. Now, though, I felt ready. It had to be done. His things couldn’t just sit there in the cupboard forever.
Gingerly, I lifted the flaps on the box and peered inside.
Danny’s clothes had, at our request, been cleaned before being returned to us. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with seeing them in the state they must have been in after the accident.
I shook my head slightly as I lifted out the Adam Ant costume.
‘Good grief,’ Dad said. ‘I never imagined anything so outlandish.’
‘You remember Adam Ant,’ Mum pointed out. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t. He was our era and I remember you singing “Stand and Deliver” at the top of your voice back in the day.’
I couldn’t even imagine it. Dad? The thought made me smile, which was a welcome occurrence given the solemnity of the occasion.
‘It’s just that I can’t see our Danny wearing clothes like these. He was always such a smart young lad, wasn’t he? And not the flashiest of people. I’d have thought he’d have hated the attention wearing this costume, of all things, would have brought.’
‘It was a fancy dress party!’ Mum pointed out.
‘I know that,’ Dad said. ‘Even so.’
I stroked the hussar jacket gently and gazed down at the leather trousers and folded tasselled boots.
Dad had a point. This was outlandish for Danny, who was quite shy and never liked to draw attention to himself.
I’d have put money on him choosing to wear some sort of over large suit and telling everyone he’d come as Rick Astley. Far more bland and discreet.
‘Brooke persuaded him to wear it,’ I said. ‘She thought he’d look great in it. To be fair, she was right. He did. In a funny way it suited him.’ I wondered how she’d managed to talk him into it.
‘Aw, our Brooke was always a character,’ Mum said tearfully. ‘I hope the two of them had fun that night. I hope it was worth it.’
As if any party would be worth it! But I didn’t point that out to her. She was just trying to get through a difficult experience and keep my spirits up. I understood that. I let her remove the rest of his clothes just so she could feel useful.
There wasn’t much left of Danny’s watch, which was badly broken.