Chapter 26 #2
‘I could try to get it repaired,’ Dad said doubtfully, but I shook my head. ‘Just get rid of it,’ I said, handing it to him.
Danny’s wallet was there of course. Black leather with the initials DJH in one corner.
Daniel John Harrison. Inside was a photo of the two of us on our wedding day, and another one of me alone, smiling at the camera.
It looked as if it had been taken not long after we started going out together.
I must have been about sixteen or seventeen at the time.
‘He kept that all these years?’ Mum asked, taking the photo from my fingers and staring down at it. ‘Look how young you were!’
‘She’s only twenty-six now, love,’ Dad reminded her.
‘Twenty-seven come June,’ Mum said, as if it mattered.
‘A lot can happen in ten years,’ I murmured.
There was a credit card and a debit card in his wallet, along with twenty-five pounds cash.
‘Well, at least we know no one pinched his money,’ Mum said.
Dad and I turned to her in bemusement.
‘Just saying,’ she said. ‘You never know who works at these official buildings. And think of all the ruffians who must pass through.’
Dad gave me a look, and I smiled knowingly back at him. How Mum’s mind worked was often a mystery to us.
‘His phone’s here,’ I said, reaching to the bottom of the box and pulling out the last remaining item. I examined it carefully. The battery had died, of course, but it was surprisingly intact. Not so much as a dent on it.
‘Just shows you,’ Mum said. ‘Fancy it surviving an impact like that. I told you they were worth the money.’ She nodded towards Dad. ‘He won’t have one, you know. Says they’re an extravagance that no one needs. In this day and age!’ She sighed wistfully. ‘It’s a nice-looking phone. What is it?’
‘A Nokia,’ I said. ‘Same as mine. I got it for him last Christmas. It needs charging.’ I got up and carried the phone to the worktop, where my own charger had been left plugged in. I connected it and switched it on, then left it to charge.
‘Are you sure you’re all right, love?’ Mum asked as I sat back down next to her. ‘Would you like a cup of tea with lots of sugar? They say sugar’s good when you’re in shock.’
‘I’m not in shock,’ I said. ‘I’m just sad, that’s all.’
‘Well of course you are.’ Dad reached over and patted my hand. ‘You’re grieving. It’s going to take some time, but me and your mum will be with you every step of the way. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I know.’
‘And Danny’s mum and dad…’ Mum said hesitantly. ‘They want to be there for you, too.’
‘I know,’ I repeated. ‘And Auntie Mandy and Uncle Shane and our Cal. Everyone’s been lovely. But there are some things I have to do myself. No one can grieve for me, can they?’
‘No, they can’t.’ Dad shook his head sadly.
‘Unfortunately, the grieving process is something you’ll have to go through no matter what.
But as long as you know that we’re here and ready to help you with whatever you need.
You can shout at us, swear at us, rage at us, cry, scream, whatever you want. We won’t judge.’
‘It’s very kind of you,’ I said, ‘but I haven’t the urge to do any of those things.’
‘No, well, it’s still early days,’ Dad said. He exchanged worried looks with Mum. ‘Maybe you could look into joining a bereavement group? See a counsellor?’
‘I don’t need any of that,’ I said. ‘I just need time.’
‘What are you going to do with this?’ Mum asked, gently stroking the Adam Ant costume. ‘Are you going to donate it somewhere?’
‘Donate it? I don’t think so. It’s damaged for a start.’ I’d noticed a couple of tears in the jacket and the thought of how they’d got there made me feel sick. I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to wear clothes that had been involved in such a horrible accident, even if they could be mended.
‘I’ll take it all to the tip if you like,’ Dad offered.
‘I think you should keep everything for now. Maybe put them in the loft until you’re in a better frame of mind to decide,’ Mum said.
‘Thanks for helping me with this,’ I said, genuinely grateful for their kindness and help, ‘but I’m okay now. It’s done. And I think I’ll probably do as you say, Mum, and keep them in the loft for now. There’s no rush to decide what to do with them, is there?’
‘What about his other things?’ Mum asked. ‘All his ordinary clothes and bits and bobs.’
‘Like I said, there’s no rush.’
‘No, well, whatever works best for you.’
Mum and Dad stayed with me for another three hours and only left after giving me about three hugs each and making me promise at least four times that I’d let them know if I needed them, no matter what time of day or night and for whatever reason.
They’d wanted me to stay with them for a while, but I didn’t see the point.
I knew I’d have to be on my own in this house from now on so I might as well get used to it.
‘As long as you’re sure,’ Dad said. He dropped a kiss on my forehead. ‘Bye, munchkin. Love you.’
‘Love you too, Dad.’ I watched fondly as they climbed into their car and waved until they rounded the corner out of sight.
Then I sighed, closed the door and went back into my empty house.
The box had been repacked, except for the watch which had gone in the bin.
Danny had another one anyway, upstairs in the bedroom.
Not that it mattered. He wasn’t going to need a watch, was he? Not now. Not ever again.
I felt frozen to the marrow, despite the central heating being on.
I glanced over at the worktop where Danny’s phone had been charging. I wondered if he’d taken any photos that night. I wondered if I could bear to see them.
Maybe not.
Even so… Curiosity got the better of me, and I went over and picked up the mobile phone, then turned it on. He had a new message from one of his work colleagues, Dale, asking why he’d left the party and was he coming back or not because Dale had bought him a pint.
I stifled a sob and opened the next message, which had already been read. It was a multimedia message from an unknown number.
A gasp escaped my lips and I staggered backwards, groping for the chair. It couldn’t be!
But it was.
Bobby and me. In bed. In my bed. In our bed – Danny’s and mine. Bobby had sent Danny a photo of the two of us while I’d slept? How could he do that to me?
To me? What about Danny?
Oh, God! Danny had seen the picture of the two of us in bed and he’d known. He’d known what I was really doing when I’d told him I was too ill to go to the party with him!
And that was why…
He’d left the party to come home. He was coming to confront us! And Brooke must have decided to come with him to calm him down. Unless Brooke didn’t know what it was about but had jumped into the car with him anyway, seeing the state he must have been in.
Oh, Danny, I’m so sorry! I never meant for you to find out this way. I never meant for you to be hurt. I never meant for you to die.
With a sickening lurch I realised it was all my fault. If I hadn’t done what I’d done, Danny and Brooke would still be alive and well. I’d been a stupid, thoughtless, selfish bitch, and they’d paid for that with their lives.
How could I ever forgive myself for that?
I dropped the phone and wrapped my arms around myself, shaking uncontrollably as sobs racked my body.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I rocked backwards and forwards like a child in need of comfort, unable to stop the sudden howls of anguish that were erupting from me, as all the pain, guilt and regret poured forth in a torrent of emotion.
I reached out and touched the box containing Danny’s things, imagining him alive and well, wearing them at the party. Imagining him hearing his phone beep. Imagining him opening the message, seeing the photograph. Imagining his disbelief. Feeling his heart break along with mine.
Danny hadn’t deserved any of it. But I knew for certain that, whatever I would have to endure in the coming years, I deserved every moment of it.