Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Anna
I was losing him.
It wasn’t my place to ask after the account Graham had lost, but the loss inspired enough fear for him to retreat, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing him in the process.
What could I do? I wanted to be his companion, the person he shared the heavy weight of trials with, not his burden. And yet, a burden was exactly how I felt.
And completely helpless. As soon as he left me at the foot of the staircase, as soon as he’d turned his back, reality had set it. The reality of a goodbye as soon as Papa arrived to claim me, paired with an uncertain future afterward.
My heart had swollen and twisted; its pain burned my throat and behind my eyes. I’d cried after hearing about what Mr. Lennox had done, but this was different. These tears seeped out straight from cracks in my heart, and I could not control them.
Graham loved me, but he would not ask for me. I wanted to believe that he’d find another account, but what did I know about accounts? I’d seen Graham worried before, heard his serious mumblings with my father in times past, but this was different. This loss had shattered things, and I could do nothing to fix it.
After Mr. Lennox, I’d cared so much about the opinions of others. I’d worried they might talk about how stupid I was to fall for a man already engaged. What they might think of me. What their judgments might do to my reputation.
How foolish I felt now for caring about such minuscule things. My feelings for Graham felt so big, so mountainous, everything else seemed so small.
Opinions? What were opinions and judgments against love? I’d choose love any day, with no thought to who might hate me for it or who would drag my name through mud and filth because of it. That’s how big my love for Graham felt.
I’d thought he felt the same. Perhaps, as he’d said, he still did. But what happened when love wasn’t enough? When circumstance forced two people apart no matter how enormously they loved?
I’d only just rinsed my face and dried it when Mariah peeked inside.
“Your father is arriving,” she said, closing the door behind her.
Despite all he’d kept from me and how angry I still felt at him, I felt a sudden urge for his safe embrace. I swiped fresh wetness from my eyes, trying desperately to calm my wobbling chin.
Mariah watched me with apprehension. “Salts?” she asked, holding up a vial.
“No. Thank you, Mariah. I hate the way they make me feel.” What I needed was to speak with Papa. Graham had said he did not want help, but he’d also said Papa was his close friend. And like it or not, friends should know about one another’s struggles. They should helpeach other.
“Miss?” Mariah prompted.
I drew in a breath through my nose and swallowed it all down. “I’m finished here,” I said, motioning to my things all packed and organized, ready to follow Papa to the inn when he came.
“I am to ride ahead,” Mariah said, eyes frantically searching for any missing piece. “I shall see you at the inn.”
Another dabbing of my cheeks, then I followed her toward the staircase, where happy voices carried up from the foyer.
I heard his deep, familiar laugh before I saw him—Papa. Descending the stairs unnoticed, I waited for him at the bottom. I caught sight of his peppered hair, his bright face wearing a wide grin. My aching heart leaped toward him. No matter what he’d kept from me, Graham had been right. He was my father. He loved me. He would never knowingly hurt me.
“Anna, you cannot leave.” Tabs bounded toward me, falling into my arms in a fit of tears at the bottom step. It took every effort to wrap my arms around her, to comfort her, for I was frozen, watching Papa and Graham interact like this morning hadn’t happened. Like Graham and I hadn’t exchanged our hearts only last evening.
Tabs squeezed my middle, and I crouched low. “You shall come and visit me in London soon,” I whispered. “You are my very favorite, and I shall write to you. I promise.”
“There’s my darling girl!” Papa’s deep voice bounced around the hall.
Graham turned, and I caught the strain in his eyes as I rose. The worry he could not shake. No matter how hard he tried, he could not pretend with me. Not anymore.
Papa held out his arms, and I drew near, but the air around us shifted, heavy and tense with secrets as he placed a kiss on my temple.
“Ginny, Tabitha, shall we see to tea?” Mrs. Everett motioned, and Ginny, despite her curiosity, nodded and followed, leaving the three of us in the foyer.
“Please, Mr. Lane. Make yourself comfortable,” Graham said, motioning to the drawing room.
“What a stunning location, right above the sea,” Papa said, stepping through the doorway.
Graham smiled at me as I passed through, but I could not hold his gaze. Our unspoken words grew louder by the second. “Thank you. Yes, I could not pass up the opportunity, despite the house’s character.”
“You have a good eye for it; that I have never doubted.” Hands on his hips, Papa glanced out the back left window, which overlooked the sea.
“Thank you, sir.” Perfectly polite. Compassionate. No declarations on his lips.
My smile became tight, and I realized, as I took a seat, my legs were shaking.
Papa sat on Graham’s settee and turned to me. “Am I to assume Brighton is as lovely as Mr. Everett claims, Annie?”
I glanced sideways at Graham. His stare was like fire on my cheek.
“Surprisingly, yes. I have enjoyed my time here immensely.” The polite thing to do would be to inquire after his time in Bath. Part of me did not wish to hear the truth, but I was decidedly through with pretending. I raised my chin. “How did you find Bath?”
Papa chuckled uncomfortably, his gaze moving meaningfully to Graham’s. “Very amenable.”
Graham cleared his throat from the chair opposite me. To his credit, he did not smile, did not encourage Papa’s secret. “Your daughter has made quite an impression on my household, Mr. Lane. I am quite reluctant to give her up.”
“Is that so?” My father furrowed his brow, then straightened in his seat. “Then I am to assume our investment is in order?”
Graham lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck, then shifted in his seat. His brows scrunched as he said, “I am afraid things have become more complicated than—”
“Perhaps the two of you could renegotiate the terms.” I gave Graham a meaningful look. “Brighton is indeed worth the investment, Papa. Perhaps ... perhaps we should increase our share in the investment.”
“Anna, please,” Graham worried aloud, but he’d clearly spoken my name without thinking. He winced and rubbed his face with a hand.
Papa frowned, the crease deepening in his brow. “Everett? What is the meaning of this?”
Still, Graham watched me, a pained expression on his face that I instantly regretted causing. None of this was his fault. None of it was mine. We were simply the products of a very unfortunate circumstance that needed mending, and I was making a mess of it.
But if I didn’t try, who would? Papa would take me home, and I had no idea when I would see Graham again.
“Forgive me,” I said, swallowing back the rising emotion in my throat. Dizzy, I stood and paced around the settee. “My head is aching, and I fear I am not well.”
What could I do? I did not wish to leave, but neither could I intrude longer on Graham. Not without invitation.
Papa stood and quickly wrapped his arm around my back as though I might faint any second. “I have you, Annie. Let us go and rest at the inn.”
“Where are you staying?” Graham asked, following us. “I’ll send the doctor.”
“No need,” I said, even as the room spun. Papa muttered off an address.
Mrs. Everett and Ginny reentered, slowing their steps as they took notice of Papa with his arm around me and Graham, a frightened look upon his face.
“Ready the carriage at once,” Papa barked out as he led me toward the door.
Roland flew through the foyer and out the door, and Graham stood helpless as we emptied the drawing room. Mrs. Everett grabbed his arm. They spoke with a single glance, and she pursed her lips.
I turned as we reached the front door. “I cannot thank you enough for welcoming me into your home. My room was perfect, our days well spent, and I shall miss you. All of you.”
Mrs. Everett smiled, her eyes soft though unsure. “You brightened our home, Miss Lane. I hope you’ll soon return.”
Ginny reached out and drew me into a hug. “Please come again soon. It’s been so lovely to have a constant friend.”
I squeezed her back. “I promise I will.”
“You are my very dearest friend, Anna,” Tabs said, hugging my legs. I couldn’t help it; tears started to well up, and I sniffed, wiping the wetness.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look at Graham. Why would he not ask after me? Why wouldn’t he beg me to stay? Why would he not speak to me?
“I will call upon you soon,” I heard Graham’s voice from behind. “And if you need anything—”
“Thank you,” Papa muttered, and a servant closed the door behind us.
Neither of us spoke as we entered the carriage. Papa sat directly across from me.
I tilted my head back against the carriage wall and pinched the bridge of my nose. My head did not hurt as much as my heart did.
The carriage bolted forward with a creak.
“Odd, that. He’s never spoken to you so directly,” Papa said quietly. “Never so forcefully. Nor with such familiarity.”
“Perhaps not in front of you,” I breathed. My stomach lurched with every turn of the wheels, with every word Graham hadn’t said. I did not want to stoke this fire between Papa and me, but we needed to have an honest conversation, and I feared the longer I waited to divulge my secrets, the worse I would feel.
“I do not understand.”
I shook my head. There was so much to say, and I hardly knew where to start. “Mr. Lennox is engaged. Or was, before I encouraged his attention and his uncle paid the woman to cry off.”
A long moment passed as my words found their place among Papa’s befuddlement. He blinked, scoffed. “That cannot possibly be true.”
“He has admitted as much. And just yesterday he told me more. About you and some woman in Bath.”
I watched as the color drained from Papa’s face and realization dawned. He grasped the edge of his seat. “What, exactly, did he say?”
“Ms. Peale, is it? He saw the two of you in Bath. And Graham told me the whole of it.”
“I—well.” Papa fell back against his seat, cheeks turning rosy, eyes wide with surprise. He started to laugh. “Forgive my ignorance, Anna, but this is all very unexpected. Ms. Peale is a friend, yes—”
“You should have told me.”
He nodded slowly, the surprise in his eyes refocusing into seriousness. “I should have. Though in truth, there has been nothing to divulge save for the past few weeks. We met some time ago, but I’ve only just admitted my feelings to myself—once I realized she never quite left my thoughts. But by then, I did not know what to do, not with the promise I’d made to you.”
His eyes met mine, focused and intent. “You are the most important person in the world to me. Since your mother passed, you’ve been my first priority. We’ve been a team, you and I. So I should have told you, and I am truly sorry that you discovered the truth before I could tell you myself. You must have thought—well, I can’t quite imagine. And I am sorry. Can you forgive your old Papa for his poor judgment?”
Tears welled in my eyes, and I wiped them with the backs of my shaking hands. I did not need his promises; I just wanted his truth. He’d tried to protect me. And he loved me.
“I want you to be happy,” I said thickly. “And I never want you to keep such secrets from me.”
He moved to my bench and put his arm around me. “I shan’t. I promise, I shan’t ever again. Indeed, I spoke with her about our promise just now in Bath. And she understands. She supports me. I’ve told her my intentions, and now I feel bound to tell you the same. I love her, Anna. I would very much like to introduce the two of you, knowing that absolutely nothing will be made permanent until you are ready.”
“I am happy for you, Papa. Truly, I am.” I angled my knees toward his. “And I would very much like to meet her.”
“You would?” Papa straightened. There was hope in his eyes, and my heart startled. I wondered how I’d missed it. The joy. The happiness that once hadn’t been there.
“But there is something I must also admit,” I said.
Papa covered my hands with his. “Tell me. What has happened?” His voice was serious and business-like.
I took a deep breath. Where to start? Where had it all begun—truly? “I told Mr. Everett—Graham—that I did not want him to invest with you ever again.”
Papa reared back. “Anna. But, why? Why would you say that? Mr. Everett is a good man.”
“I grievously disliked him, Papa. Every time he visited, he took you from me. Sometimes when I needed you the most. Like this past Season. I thought I had everything in hand, but I was wrong. I chose wrong. The whole of London has heard how stupid I’ve been.”
“Not if the engagement was kept secret,” Papa said quickly. “Lennox will wish to keep his own transgressions quiet, despite his failed attempt to win you. I will make sure that whatever story might reach the papers reflects favorably on you. Indeed, I will ensure that the Lennox name is never entwined with ours again.”
I stifled a cry and fell into his side. “Thank you, Papa.”
“I only wonder why you did not tell me in the first place. Why did you keep such a great burden to yourself?”
“I meant to tell you that night after dinner. But then Graham came, and you were so interested in his investment.”
“I see.”
“Besides, it’s a bit humiliating to admit that I am so terrible a judge of character. I thought Mr. Lennox a saint, and Graham a loathsome snake. And I’ve botched everything.”
Papa sat back, shoulders drooping. “Darling, you’ve not botched anything. We can put all this to right. You and I will start anew. No more secrets. If Everett’s investment is not sound, then I shall tell him so, and he will understand.”
“No. The investment is sound,” I groaned, covering my face in my hands.
“Then why—”
“Perhaps I’ve gone mad. I feel mad trying to explain. In truth, yes, in the beginning, I had every intention of rejecting the investment and invalidating Graham’s claims. I loathed him. I thought him arrogant and overconfident and brimming with greed.
“But then this week, I met his family. I sat at his table and listened to them bantering and laughing, watched how they play together and support each other. I see now why you care for him. Perhaps why you’ve taken him as a protégé of sorts. Graham is a good man. He is kind and honest and incredibly aware. He treats me like an equal, as someone with thoughts and intelligence, with feelings and dreams. Before this week, I did not understand what it felt like to be understood, and loved, by someone.”
Papa fell silent. I’d shocked him, like he’d shocked me. But we both deserved to lay our cards openly on the table.
Slowly, I continued, “He and I—because of your relationship—have spent quite a lot of time together over the years. Some memories are better than others. Some, hopefully, more easily forgotten.”
“Annie, what exactly are you saying?”
“I love him, Papa.”
Like a wave crashing into my heart, memories flooded me, and I remembered the way Graham had looked at me when I tried on his spectacles, how he’d offered me a blanket after dropping me in the sea, how our laughter had entwined as we played the alphabet game, and how closely he’d held me dancing. The spicy smell of his shave.
I missed him already. I missed his home. Tabs, Ginny, their mother, even their shabby-armed settee. I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change them.
Papa’s eyes had grown round as saucers.
“So I kissed him. But then—”
“You w-what—” Papa stammered.
“—something happened this morning. His banker came, and he’s lost an account. Now he says he needs time to manage things, to recover, but I cannot bear to leave him like this. He won’t ask you for help, but he desperately needs it.”
Papa swallowed hard. He blinked several times, then seemed to collect the thoughts behind his eyes. He seemed uncannily calm for a father who’d just been dealt his daughter’s bleeding heart.
“Forgive me, are we speaking of the same person? Graham ... Mr. Graham Everett?”
I nodded. “I cannot rise above this feeling that he fears he cannot provide for me. I do not need fancy things, Papa. I truly do not. But I think Graham believes I do. I think he is in trouble. And I ... I feel so—” I sputtered, choking on the emotion rising in my throat. “So sad.”
Papa sighed, and I felt his arms encircle me, his head lean down against mine.
“Anna, I am inadequate,” Papa said, his own voice thick but determined. “It is times like this that I dearly wish I had your mother’s ear, her words and wisdom. I do not know the proper thing to say to assure you that all will be well, but I do know that as your father I must speak with Mr. Everett straightaway. I will make this right.”
Our carriage rolled to a stop, and I peeked out my window. We’d stopped in front of a building within the Steine. The very inn where Graham had taken me for prawns. A fresh sob escaped me.
Papa did not wait. He opened our door and jumped out. “I shall get a horse,” he said, a shadow casting over his features. “I’ll return before luncheon.”
Before I could respond, Mariah appeared. She took the steps up and sat beside me in the carriage, offering me a handkerchief to dry my face. In time, she led me to my room, speaking in hushed tones about peppermint tea and a cool rag for my head. She didn’t leave me. She brushed out my hair. Made me eat two crumpets. Then she tucked me into bed and curled up in a chair.
She hummed a gentle tune as she stitched, and somehow between thoughts of Papa riding off and Graham’s worried eyes, I drifted into sleep.