Chapter 15
AJ
Pure adrenaline drove me through the airport, and I didn’t take a full breath until I was buckled into my seat on the plane.
I plugged in my phone and tried to relax my shoulders.
I was going to make it. I rubbed at the center of my chest, trying to ease the uncomfortable tightness that I felt thinking of walking away from Sam.
I’d wanted to stay. I’d wanted to tell him to just keep driving until we got to a hotel where we could sleep and talk and order room service and have fabulous sex until I figured out whether what I felt for him was real or just a nice change from the world of hair gel, Rolex watches, and starched shirts.
I needed this win first. I had worked too hard for it, and it still meant too much to me to abandon the cause now. I had to focus.
As soon as the seatbelt light was off, I slipped to the tiny bathroom to try to make myself look half human.
I attempted to cover the beard burn on my chin with some coverup but abandoned the effort.
I kind of liked having it there, like evidence that even if my ex and boss weren’t interested in me, someone really great was.
Something about my tight bun felt off today, so I replicated the loose braid from the day before.
I drank as much coffee as the flight attendant would give me and snacked on the free pretzels, as the distance between me and my goal got smaller. The flight wasn’t a long one, and before my phone was even half charged, we were landing at LAX.
After a mercifully short wait through US customs and a twenty-minute cab ride, I arrived in front of the headquarters of what would hopefully be my new client.
It was a cereal company. They used to be known for their sugary concoctions and were hoping to launch a new ad campaign as they pivoted to more nutritious options.
Basically, they were paying millions to add the words “Now with added protein” to the box and to change it from bright purple to a more natural shade of green.
It sounded a little silly now, but the pressure and money involved was nothing to laugh at.
I’d made it with twenty minutes to spare. I had time to collect my thoughts. I found a bench a short way up the street and took a seat. I turned my face toward the sun and soaked it in. Physically, I was exhausted. Mentally, I was drained. Emotionally, I had no idea.
“You couldn’t have ironed your suit before you got here?” I’d know that voice anywhere. I had been married to it—had heard it talk over me in meeting after meeting. I hadn’t expected to have it cut through my thoughts now, but there it was.
Slowly, I rose from my seat and turned to face him. “Stephen, what a surprise.” I gritted my teeth and attempted to smile. “I thought I was solo on this pitch?”
“You thought I would miss this? This account could be huge for the firm.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his gray slacks.
“How did you even get here? The snow canceled so many flights.” I tried not to sound accusatory, but this felt like an ambush.
“I flew out Friday. Made it here a day before the storm even started. You have to think ahead to get ahead, AJ.” He tapped his temple with his pointer finger.
I wanted to break it off. I shook my head to clear the confusion. “But Missy’s due date—”
He shrugged. “She can’t fly. Doesn’t mean I can’t. She understands. This is a big client.”
I searched his face for a moment. How could I ever have loved this man?
I felt stupid for having seen his arrogance as charming.
More than that, I felt sick for Missy, who may not have known just how alone she would be when she first saw two lines on a pregnancy test. “You could be there to comfort her and get ready for the baby. Work isn’t as important as that. ”
He rocked back on his heels, the perfect picture of unbothered confidence. “It’s only a few days. I’ll nail the pitch, take these guys out for a dinner and expensive scotch to celebrate, and be home before anything happens. She’s at her mother’s house. She doesn’t need me.”
I blew a breath out of my nose. I felt like I was being gaslit.
We were talking about the birth of his only child, not the birthday party of his neighbor’s cat.
Could he be this blind? “You are running the risk of not being there when your baby comes into the world. Surely you could trust me to do what I am paid to do, just this one time.”
He laughed. “Don’t be naive, AJ.” He took a step closer. “If you think that you can swoop in and bring in a big client so you’ll be considered for the promotion over me, you are sadly mistaken. I won’t let that happen.”
I took a step back. My heart stuttered in my chest. Had I really tried to emulate this man?
Was I as bad as he was? This was the face of what it took to get ahead in this company: nothing less than total devotion.
I would have to be willing to put my job ahead of the wellbeing of every person in my life, including myself.
Hell, I had done it for years. I’d come to work sick, tired, and with horrible cramps. I’d just fought a snowstorm for this.
Standing eye to eye with Stephen now made me realize I didn’t want to be anything like him. I didn’t want to be this person. I wanted to have time for hobbies. When was the last time I’d read a book for fun? Gone for a walk just because it was sunny out? Tried something new?
I missed my parents. How long had it been since I’d sat in their living room listening to my mom fill me in on what all my cousins were up to?
Or stood around in the driveway while my dad checked my tire pressure and lectured me about getting regular oil changes?
I should be at their house helping them decorate their Christmas tree right now.
Instead, I was arguing with a man I should have left in the rearview mirror when the divorce papers were stamped.
“What, nothing to say?” His face contorted into what I had always thought of as his professional sneer.
“I can’t do this.” The words came out quiet and tentative.
I squared my shoulders, looked him in the eyes, and repeated myself.
“I can’t do this. This is insanity. The client is yours.
Enjoy your promotion and your eighty-hour work week.
I’m going home.” I expected tears to come to my eyes, but they stayed dry.
Maybe some part of me had always known I’d have this realization sooner or later.
The glint of triumph in his eyes petered out, and his patronizing look appeared. “Don’t be a baby, AJ. You can still be in on the pitch.”
“I don’t want in on the pitch. I don’t want to try and win a rigged game.
I don’t want to be like you.” I took a step back.
My heel caught on the sidewalk, but I steadied myself.
“Christmas is less than a week away. I want to spend this time with people I care about. Good luck, Stephen.” I grabbed my suitcase, turned, and walked away.
“I don’t need luck!” he yelled after me, but I didn’t turn back.
I went directly to the airport and booked the first flight back to Kamloops. I had to sort my life out, then I had to talk to Sam.
******
I woke up the next morning tired and on edge.
I went straight to my office and settled in behind my desk.
This was my space. It had been my entire world for most of my adult life.
Yet it felt foreign. Still, I had to be here.
I needed to be back in my old environment to be sure the decision I had made in California was the right one and I wasn’t just drunk on whatever hormone was released with great orgasms. I glanced around.
Schedules, charts, checklists, sticky notes, and a whiteboard with a breakneck workload planned stared back at me.
I waited for some kind of pull toward this world, but it didn’t come.
I’d been right to walk away from the presentation.
My boss, John, appeared at my office door and beckoned me into his office with just the crook of his finger.
“What happened?” he asked without even a good morning.
I settled into a chair across from his desk and straightened my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I quit, John.” My heart was thumping wildly in my chest, and I took a steadying breath.
Either he had one hell of a poker face, or he didn’t give a shit. My life changing decision didn’t even earn me a blink.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” He gave me a hard look over his glasses, and I swallowed.
His presence made me nervous, but I knew I was making the right decision. I nodded.
He sighed. “Sign here.” He pushed a piece of paper across the desk, and I signed it with numb fingers. “HR will be in touch. Are you giving two weeks’ notice?”
I shook my head and cleared my throat. “Stephen can take my workload, I’m sure.”
John nodded and filed the paper away.
I went to stand up, but paused. “Just so I know, if I had nailed the pitch in California, would I have been in the running for a promotion next time one comes up?”
John removed his glasses. “AJ—”
I cut him off with a raised hand. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
I turned to leave but felt something unfinished, like an itch on the back of my neck. I turned back to the man who had been my boss for all of my adult life. “Do you think I was good at my job? I’ve been here a long time, and you don’t seem that upset to see me go.”
He studied me, his hands neatly folded in front of his keyboard. “I’ll be frank with you, AJ. I expected you to quit a long time ago.”
I lifted my chin. “You think I couldn’t handle the pressure?” A flare of the competitive feeling that had kept me here for so long rose in my chest.
He shook his head. “Stephen does well in this business because he’s coldhearted enough not to care who gets stepped on. I have no one waiting on me at home, so it doesn’t matter how much I work. You, on the other hand, you don’t have it in you to truly mow someone down and not look back.”