Chapter 7
Jake
Watching Natalie melt into her seat while we talked about our fake relationship gave me some very real ideas, which was a very real problem.
A problem I had every intention of ignoring until it blew up in my face.
I needed help, she was the only one offering a solution.
I would do what I had to do and if my heart—or other parts of my anatomy—didn’t like it, well, they could just get in line.
“That would have been impossible to say no to.”
I was good at this romance thing apparently. Too bad now wasn’t the time to put it to use. I needed to keep things as distant as I could despite that she was going to be my wife. “Good, how do we explain that we don’t live together?”
She chewed her lip, and my eyes locked on the motion, despite the mental pep-talk I had just given myself. “I rent my place and have a lease, maybe we can say we are just waiting until the lease is over?”
It was as good a reason as any. Not one that would keep me from her if she were actually mine, but it would work if the question came up. I nodded. “Did you figure out what to tell your family?”
She fiddled with a fork on the counter. “I’m not too worried about my parents.
They live in Vancouver, and I don’t see them often enough to tell them about this.
” The expiration date on our marriage was implied and once again it felt like a knife being twisted in my gut.
“My sister, Liz, though. That might be trickier. We have been best friends our whole lives. She lives in Kelowna, so I don’t see her every day or anything, but she knows me better than anyone.
If anyone is going to sniff out the lie, it will be her. ”
I hadn’t anticipated this being the hard part of this whole thing. Listening to Natalie talk about how our marriage was so temporary that it wasn’t even worth telling family about was putting things in perspective in a way that soured my dinner in my stomach.
This was fake.
This was an agreement.
She wasn’t mine.
One day, probably sooner than I wanted, I would sign a piece of paper that would sever the tie that bound us.
She would be free to move on. To find another man who could make her a priority and he would put a ring on her finger.
I had to keep my focus on getting well but putting that thought out of my mind was one hell of a barrier.
******
I had to work twelve-hour shifts for the next three days.
Just the idea of not knowing what I would face made it hard to sleep.
I tossed and turned, but every time sleep tried to take me, a slideshow of horrible crashes started to play behind my eyes.
I spent the night half dozing and half staring into the dark, wishing Natalie was beside me.
Natalie spent two of those days frantically getting her coworker’s retirement party ready and the party was on the third day.
I didn’t hear from her much. It shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did.
We didn’t know each other that well, but I found myself checking my blank phone screen like a man addicted.
I missed her. I couldn’t believe how much I missed her.
The sun was shining, and we hadn’t seen any snow yet.
I focused on the dry pavement as a way to calm my nerves.
The odds of a bad wreck were way lower in this weather, but my panic had muscle memory.
Danger didn’t have to be inches away for me to feel my fight or flight response kicking in.
Not anymore. I’d been taken by surprise and overwhelmed one too many times for me to logic my way out of this now.
All I could do was hope that I could last just long enough in this job to either start to improve or find an alternative.
I went to my first call, a car that wouldn’t start at a rest stop not far from the shop.
The rest stop was far enough off the highway that the traffic wasn’t whipping by my back.
Still, the ember of panic remained, ready to be fanned by the slightest hint of danger.
I focused on the familiar routine of hooking the car to my truck, even as I could feel the eyes of the owner on me.
I couldn’t keep going like this. Even doing one of the most routine and safe tasks in my job description I was still so tightly wound I struggled to take a full breath.
My mind needed help, and to get it I would have to sacrifice my heart.