Chapter 33 Evan
EVAN
The bar in the city is dimly lit, with art lining the walls. Old chintzy decor that’s purposely mixed with modern lighting and plush velvet couches. Jazz music plays in the background, and I sit in an old leather chair with a bottle of beer to take the edge off while I wait for Emilie.
I check my watch. Her train gets in around six, so I’m a little early, but I had to get out of the office.
It’s been torture cooped up with Nate all week, his eyes on me constantly, checking I’m not having a mental breakdown every five fucking minutes.
Not to mention feeling like I’m in a fucking aquarium, the rest of the floor gazing at us through the floor-to-ceiling glass like they can sense something’s off with me too.
My phone pings in my pocket, and I slide my thumb over the screen to open the group chat.
Nora: Did you want to come for dinner tonight, Ev?
I scroll up through the messages. Every day she invites me to dinner, each offer replied with a different excuse.
I’m running out of lies. I’m gonna have to either show up eventually or tell them I can’t do this anymore.
I know she’s not ovulating right now, and I’m terrified if I go round for dinner what will happen, but more than that, I’m scared of what that will mean or how any of us can move on from it.
Currently, we have the disguise of function even though I’m sure none of us believe that’s what this is anymore.
I inhale and text back.
Evan: Still in the city with a client. They invited me for a drink. I’ll get something out, but thank you.
I tuck my phone away, hating myself for lying to her. She doesn’t deserve it. I’m a shitty human being.
“There you are.” Emilie saunters towards me, wheeling a small suitcase at her side.
I stand on shaky legs and straighten my suit jacket, but smile as I take her in.
She flicks her hair to one side, the other side shaved, a tattoo colouring her neck. She opens her arms and I embrace her, patting the back of her mustard dungarees, then mirror her as she air-kisses both sides of my face.
“How are you?” She wheels her suitcase to the side of the Chesterfield sofa and sits down, shrugging off her cropped denim jacket.
“Good.” I sip my beer and sit back in the leather chair opposite, still taking her in. She was always alternative, and I liked that about her, how she didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Something I admire about Nate.
A server takes her order, then disappears.
She smiles and shakes her head. “You haven’t changed. Other than you’ve bulked out more. You look great, Ev.”
I point my bottle at her. “You look great too, but I don’t think I would’ve recognised you in a crowd.”
“Yeah.” She laughs and smooths a hand over her neck tattoo. “I got this recently, my girlfriend got matching ink.”
“So you’re gay now?”
“No, I just.” She sighs as if she’s tired of explaining herself. “I don’t like to put a label on it. You know me. I date who I like.”
I lift my beer in salute. “And how many you like, right?” My lips quirk in the corner.
“Right.” She laughs. “Don’t worry. I’m not here to seduce you and get you to come with me and Gem.” She moves her hand to her mouth as if she’s pretend whispering. “Unless you want to.”
I shake my head. “Mate, I have enough complications right now.”
She laughs and swats my leg. “I’m just kidding. Gem’s not into guys. I don’t think she’d appreciate that.”
I relax a little into my chair, tipping my head back as I take a long pull on my drink.
The server brings us a round, her a pint and me a nonalcoholic beer.
She lifts the pint from the coffee table and takes a sip. “I wasn’t sure if you’d call me.”
“Me either.” I tug at my tie and pull it off through the collar of my shirt, then tuck it into my inside jacket pocket. “When Nate said he bumped into you, I couldn’t believe it.”
“I couldn’t believe it.” She places her pint down and opens a packet of crisps. “I mean, what a blast from the past.”
“Insane, right? After all this time.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “You didn’t… say anything to him, did you?”
She furrows her brow while chomping on a crisp. “Like what?”
I clear my throat, my spine bristling. “About me. About why we broke up.”
“Of course not.” She reaches over and places her hand on my knee. “Ev, I would never. That’s not my story to tell.”
I close my eyes and exhale, the tension that’s been coiled tight in my stomach all week finally unravelling.
“He called you his partner, though. And I was like, oh good for you guys, finally sorting out your feelings.” She laughs. “Then, when he said, business partner, I was mortified.” She waves a hand in the air. “But typical Nate, he was oblivious as usual.”
I let out a short laugh. “Yeah. Sounds about right.”
Emilie studies me over the rim of her glass as if she’s about to paint me. “I take it you never told him anything about what happened at uni?”
I shake my head. “There was no point.”
“Ev.” Her eyes sadden. “All this time?”
“We moved on, Em. Nate married Nora. I was best man at their wedding, for fuck’s sake.”
“And you’re okay?”
“I was.” I crack my fingers. “Everything was fine until…”
She waits for me to continue, dipping back into her packet of crisps as if it’s a bag of popcorn, the crunch of the crisps filling the space.
“I messed things up,” I say, dropping my face into my palms.
“How?” The packet rustles.
I stare at the condensation sliding down my bottle. “I’ve been sleeping with Nora.”
She coughs, choking on her crisp. Bits fly out from her mouth as she reaches for her pint and takes a big gulp. “Evan, what the hell?”
“Not like that. They want a baby, and Nate… Well, Nate can’t give her one, so I stepped in. But we’ve been doing it together. You know, like we did.”
“Oh.”
Another rustle from her crisp packet.
She freezes. “Oh!”
All I hear is the saxophone drifting through the bar and the cracking of my knuckles.
“How long has this been going on?”
“About two months. I only join them when Nora’s ovulating, but feelings have resurfaced and I don’t know how to keep them contained.”
Emilie tilts her head. “Feelings for Nate?”
I nod. “And Nora.”
She exhales, but doesn’t seem surprised. “Okay, that actually makes sense.”
I bark out a laugh. “Does it? Because I’m losing my mind.”
Her eyes soften but she doesn’t ask for details.
My throat constricts. “I walk into their house like it’s home. I leave and it’s like I’ve cut off a limb.”
“Do they know how you feel?”
I shake my head.
“What are you scared of?” she asks.
I huff out a laugh. “Everything.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I crack my fingers. “Losing them.” I swallow. “If this blows up… I lose both of them. My best friend. The woman I—” I stop myself, jaw tightening. “Everything.”
Emilie nods as if she understands. “What if you didn’t lose them? What if you told them how you feel and they felt the same?”
“I’m not you. How could that even work? What would people say?”
“Are the people who would talk about you in a relationship with you?”
I know what she’s saying, and I know she’s right. My phone pings. I pull it out and check the message.
Nora: Okay. Let me know when you’re free and I’ll cook something nice.
I shove the phone back in my pocket, guilt climbing up my throat like nausea. “It’s Nora wanting to know when I’m free to go round for dinner. I’ve been avoiding them all week.”
She raises an eyebrow. “You’re sitting in a bar with me, avoiding the two people you love.” Her head shakes. “Make it make sense, Ev?”
My stomach twists. “I don’t know how this can work. The three of us. Yeah, it’s great under the covers, but how does it work in daylight?”
Creases form between her brows, her face sympathetic. “Maybe you don’t need a label.”
I take a sip of my nonalcoholic beer, wishing I wasn’t driving so I could get drunk.
Wishing I wasn’t always the sensible one and wishing I wasn’t like this.
“It’s not just the three of us either. It’s this thing with Nate.
I’m always going to want him too. I can’t keep sleeping with Nora just to be close to him.
” The words scrape my throat. That isn’t the whole truth.
“I thought you wanted Nora, too.”
“I do, but it’s not enough anymore. I want him.” My spine bristles as I take in my surroundings, checking for anyone who I might know, but I’m in the city, a half hour's drive from town. I’m not likely to run into anyone here.
Emilie nudges my foot with hers. “For what it’s worth, none of what you’re saying is shameful. You’re the sweetest guy I know, and Nate and Nora should be fucking proud to have you be part of their family. Don’t be scared of wanting something different.”
I nod, agreeing with her. She knows me almost as much as Nate does, despite only being friends briefly, but Emilie was there for me while I figured things out.
“I am scared, though.”
She lifts her glass towards me. “So, what are you going to do?”
I examine the bubbles climbing the inside of my bottle.
They rise and disappear before they ever reach the surface.
“I’m going to do the only thing I can do.
” If I stay, I won’t be able to stop wanting them.
And wanting them means risking everything.
Like those bubbles in the bottle, I need to disappear before my feelings reach the surface. “I need to step back.”
Emilie chews on the inside of her cheek, then opens her mouth as if she’s about to argue, but just says, “Can you do that?”
I swallow past the tightness in my throat. “I have to before someone gets hurt.”
“Someone’s already hurting.” She places her empty pint down on the coffee table. “Fuck it. Come back to the hotel with me so I can drop off my suitcase, then we’ll both get proper pissed like we did at uni.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
She laughs. “You heard me. You look like you’re going to a funeral. We need to have some fun. Where’s my fun friend Evan gone?”
I laugh, remembering why I liked her as a friend. “Fair enough. One night where I don’t have to think. But we need to set some ground rules.”
Emilie stands, shrugging on her jacket. “Like what?”
“No tattoo parlours,” I warn. “I’m not waking up tomorrow with matching ink.”
She flings her arm around me. “Spoilsport.”
I laugh, letting her steer me towards the door, grateful for the noise and the distraction and anything that keeps me from thinking about the two people I can’t have.