Chapter 41 Nate
NATE
Iunpack my toiletries, stealing a quick glance at Ev laid on the bed. We’ve shared so much more than a bed before. It shouldn’t be this hard. And I shouldn’t be this hard thinking about it.
I close my eyes with my back to him and count to ten. “You wanna go for that drink?”
“I can’t be arsed, mate. I’m gonna stay here.”
He can’t see me nod with my back to him. I don’t want to go for a drink either. I just need to get out of this enclosed space with him before I do something stupid, like kiss my best friend again. “I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Cool.” Ev sits up on the bed. “Chuck me the remote.”
I toss the TV remote on the bed and head into the en suite, shutting the bathroom door behind me and twisting the lock. The space is compact but safe.
I strip out of my clothes and jump in the shower as if I’m on fire. If I don’t stop, I don’t think or feel or remember the heat from Ev’s body pressed against mine or the way his mouth felt.
The shower starts with a violent hiss before settling into a steady stream. Steam blooms, fogging the mirror and blurring my reflection before I have to really look at myself. I brace my palms against the tiled wall, breathing deep as the hot spray pelts my back.
Fuck.
I drag a hand over my face and groan, the sound swallowed by the water. My body is still wired, still alert and all too aware of the man in the other room.
This is ridiculous. I need to get a fucking grip.
I’ve showered next to him on lads’ holidays. Changed in front of him. Shared beds when money was tight or rooms were scarce. I’ve never once stood under a shower thinking about the curve of his mouth or the way his hand felt rubbing against the front of my trousers.
I tilt my head back and let the water hit my face, eyes squeezed shut. Nora flashes into my mind. The woman who trusts me and has my heart. Guilt twists hard in my gut. I love her. But with Evan, it’s like a second heartbeat I can’t slow down.
I scrub soap over my arms, my chest, my stomach, trying to scrub the intrusive thoughts of Evan away. But my body betrays me, heat pooling low, tension coiling tight as my mind drifts to him on the bed. I swallow hard and press my forehead to the cool tiles again, my breathing uneven.
This is my fault. I should never have kissed him. Should never have let it cross from want into action. I told him to forget it because I need him to. If he brings it up again, I’m scared of what I’ll do and even more terrified of what it means.
I turn the temperature colder, gasping as the water shifts, shock rippling through me. It helps clear some of the fog. I stay under the ice cold water for a little longer, not ready to return to the small bedroom just yet.
I turn the shower off, grab a towel, wrap it around my waist, then clean my teeth. After I’m dry, I pull on clean boxers and a t-shirt and unlock the door.
Evan’s lying on the bed, one arm behind his head, the TV flickering some mindless late night programme. He looks up and does that thing with his glasses where he pushes them up the bridge of his nose, and my cock twitches. Here we fucking go again.
“Better?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I lie. I grab a spare pillow from the top of the dressing area and drop it in the middle of the bed before climbing under the covers.
A fucking arsehole move. But I need the barrier.
He tosses the remote to me. “Put whatever you want on.” He disappears into the bathroom, and I know I’ve made things even more weird than they have to be.
Scrolling through the channels, I land on a police documentary with a car chase—sirens blaring, a body cam shaking as someone runs.
I leave it on and drop the remote. Whatever is happening, I don’t care.
I just need the noise. Getting out of bed, I check the fridge.
Beer. My hand hovers. Tempting, but I should keep a clear head tonight.
I grab a water instead and find my phone in my jacket slung over the desk chair.
Climbing back into bed, I call Nora on FaceTime.
She answers on the second ring, her hair splayed over a pillow, a sliced cucumber over one eye and what looks like cake frosting over her face. “Hi, how was your day?”
“Is this your impression of Mrs. Doubtfire?”
She giggles like she’s been on the wine. “It’s a face mask they gave us in the pamper kit in the room.”
“Did they give you cucumbers as well?”
She giggles again. Another laugh comes from her friend in the background. “Poppy stole these from the restaurant.” She holds the other sliced cucumber in her hand. “They’re a bit dry.”
“Sounds like you’ve had a blast stealing vegetables. What else have you been doing?”
“We got asked to leave the relaxation room as we were too loud.”
Poppy shouts, “Er, you were being loud, I just couldn’t stop laughing. We should never have had that champagne with our afternoon tea. It made us tipsy.”
“I’m glad you’re having fun.” I smile at Nora through the screen, my finger tracing the outline of her face.
“How did the meeting go?”
“Everything’s fine. Apart from the hotel messed up and gave us a double bed instead of two singles.”
“Oh, I booked a twin room for you. But at least he can keep you warm. It’s a little chilly in here.”
“I wish I were there to keep you warm, dimples.”
“I’ll be home tomorrow and you can take care of my every need.” She giggles again.
“I think you need to take it easy with the pop. Or you two will keep the guests up all night.”
Evan comes out of the bathroom, shirtless with just his boxers on, fitted around his muscly thighs. He might not play rugby anymore, but he never lost his athletic body. “Hey, doodles.”
“Hi Ev. Turn the phone so I can see Ev.”
I tap the button to turn the camera around to the front of the phone.
“Helllloooo, notebook.”
Ev’s lips curve in the corner as he runs a hand through his hair at the foot of the bed.
“That’s enough ogling Ev. He’s not a piece of meat, you know.”
“I’m gonna go cos we ordered cake and I think it’s here.”
“Enjoy.”
“Love you.” She blows me kisses through the screen.
“Night, Nora,” Evan shouts.
“Night, Ev,”
“Love you,” I say, then cancel the call.
The mattress dips as Ev climbs into his side of the bed. “You want the light out?”
“Yeah, sure.” I lie down on the bed and lift my arm over my head.
Ev flicks the switch, the room lit only by the glow from TV. He tugs the blanket covering half his chest as he stretches his leg out, accidentally touching my shin. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I shuffle awkwardly on the other side of the cushion barrier.
We both stare at the flashing on the screen, but I have no fucking clue what’s happening. It’s just lights and noise all blurred together.
I’ve never looked at another man before.
Never thought another man was attractive.
I mean, I’m aware when guys are attractive, but it doesn't turn me on.
But with Ev in just his boxers, memories of how his biceps bulge when he's holding his weight above Nora and how his back muscles flex when he's fucking her has my cock growing another inch.
The way he kissed. The way he got hard when I kissed him back.
This is wrong. He's my best friend. He's also a man.
“I’m not gay,” I blurt, staring at the shadows on the ceiling. The words come out a little louder than I intended, as if I’m shouting it to the universe or trying to convince myself.
Evan bristles at the side of me, but he doesn’t take his eyes from the TV. “I know.”
An exhale rushes out of me. I don’t know why I needed to hear him say that, but it’s like a confirmation or an amen at the end of a prayer.
“I’m not either,” he says. “Just in case you were wondering.”
The mattress shifts as he adjusts, putting a fraction more space between us. And I fucking hate myself for making this awkward.
“Monday was…”
“Yeah.” He sighs. “I know. A mistake. You already said this in the car.” He sounds irritated.
I can’t blame him. I’m irritated at myself.
I don’t say any more and focus on the screen. Sirens wail as the cops chase some stolen car. In my head, it’s like a warning beacon screaming at me to leave, but my muscles keep me in place, as if my body knows exactly where it wants to be.
After a long silence, Ev speaks. “Do you remember Emilie?”
My jaw clenches. “Yeah.”
“I mean, obviously you remember her, but do you remember when I broke it off?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t.” he lies perfectly still, staring at the ceiling. “She dumped me.”
I turn my head to get a better look at him in the dimly lit room. “Why lie?”
He scrubs both hands over his face with a sigh. “Didn’t want you knowing the reason why.”
My stomach sinks. I always thought he could tell me anything.
“After the first time, you know, with the three of us,” his voice grows quieter, “it wasn’t Emilie who wanted to do it again. It was me.”
I swallow and turn my whole body onto my side.
“After the third time, she said I preferred sleeping with you more than I did her.”
My throat goes dry.
“She asked me if I was gay and said we were better off as friends.” He doesn’t look at me, just stares at the unlit spotlights in the ceiling.
My mouth moves to speak, but nothing comes out.
“She was right. I cared more about sleeping with you than I did her.” Evan’s throat bobs as if he’s swallowing down years of emotions. “Sex with her after that just felt… empty.”
I lean up on one elbow, heart hammering. “You should have told me.” I have no idea what I would have done with that information, but he’s my best mate. I should’ve been there for him.
“By then, you were hung up on Nora, following her around campus. I knew you weren’t into guys.” He steals a quick glance, meeting my eyes, then quickly focuses back on the ceiling. “But I had to know if I was. I needed to figure it out.”
My stomach twists. I’m not sure if I want to hear this, but I need to.
“I went to a gay bar with Emilie.” He swallows again. “There was a bloke. Older. Bought me drinks. We laughed, seemed to hit it off.”