Chapter 52 Evan
EVAN
Ihold on to the wheel of Nate’s car. The engine ticking, ready to go. It’s all I can do to hold myself together, my body vibrating, threatening to shatter.
He almost told them the truth, and I was paralysed.
I don’t deserve him or her. I couldn’t even stand up for him back there, because I was so fucking terrified they’d learn my secret.
And then what? Everyone would know I’m fucking my best friend.
All the years I’ve spent proving I’m not gay for nothing.
It shouldn’t matter. So what if I am gay, bisexual, whatever fucking label they want to put on me?
“Why would she say that?” Nora says, her body shaking behind me.
“Because she’s a fucking hypocrite,” Nate says, climbing into the passenger seat. He slams the door, rocking the car. Then he tugs at his seatbelt as if trying to rip it out of the frame. “Drive,” he orders, his voice hoarse.
I pull off his parents’ drive, my jaw tight.
Nora sniffles from the back seat. “We need to go back in and explain. Nate, you need to fix this.”
“You fucking heard her, Nora. There’s no fixing this. I don’t understand why you’d even want to.”
“Because it’s like I’m losing a family all over again. I can’t bear it, Nate. It hurts so much.” She sniffles into her hands, and I want to pull over and hold her, but I’m afraid if I do, Nate will go back inside for round two.
“Is someone gonna tell me what happened?” I glance at Nate, then Nora, through the rearview mirror. “Who said what?”
“I told my mother the truth.”
My whole body bristles, my heart thuds like it’s trying to beat out of my chest and hide. “About us?” My throat closes up. There’s no air.
“Just that you were a donor. Told her about my condition.” He breathes in slowly as if trying to remain calm, but he’s shaking just as much as I am. “She said our baby will never be her grandkid or something to that effect.” He drops his head, his fingers rubbing at the lines in his forehead.
“She didn’t mean it, right?” Nora says, desperation in her voice. “She couldn’t be that cruel. She can’t mean it, can she?”
Rain beats harder on the windshield, the wipers swishing faster from side to side at the same pounding rhythm as my heart.
I should never have let things go this far.
I’ve caused all this mess. His family will never accept me or my baby, especially if they find out about our relationship.
What we’re doing doesn’t align with Margaret’s values.
The way Nate’s dad told me to get out made their feelings about me crystal clear.
They think I had an affair, wrecked their marriage.
“I think…” I clear my throat. “I think she’ll come around, doodles. She’s just shocked and grieving.”
Nate glares at me and rolls his eyes, then stares out his window as we drive off his parents’ estate.
“What?” I say. “What’s that look for?”
“You fucking know what that look’s for.”
I focus on the road, the wipers swishing like my mind, going side to side, trying to figure out what Nate means.
He’s pissed I didn’t stand up to them. He wanted to out the three of us, and I told him no.
He’s pissed because I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to say what we are out loud.
It terrifies me, but there’s something that terrifies me even more.
Something I could never live with, and that’s ruining their marriage.
Mum was right. I haven’t thought this through at all.
So far it’s just been about the three of us, but now we have a baby on the way.
If Nate’s parents won’t accept us, then what about our child?
He or she will be an outsider, bullied for our so-called sins.
I couldn’t even stand up for my best friend in there, or the woman I love.
How can I stand up for my child knowing I’m the cause of all these problems?
The ride home is silent, with only the patter of rain and Nora’s occasional sniffle. I pull into their drive and sit in the car with the engine off. Nobody moves.
“I’m sorry.” I swallow the lump at the back of my throat, but it’s more like guilt that I’m forcing down.
Nate narrows his eyes, as if channelling all his anger and frustration on me. “I needed you back there.”
“I know, and I’m sorry I…” I shake my head. “I wasn’t ready to—”
“You’ll never be ready.” He unclips his seatbelt. “I guess you don’t care about us the same way we do about you.” He climbs out of the car and slams the door.
Nora follows, calling after him. “Nate, why are you doing this?”
I climb out, my body heavy, like wading through sludge. I drag in air. Everyone’s fraught right now. I close the door behind me. “Nora, it’s okay. I wrap her in my arms. Let him cool off.”
Her body relaxes against me, her breaths steadying against my chest. “Today was supposed to be a happy day.”
“I know.” My knuckles graze up and down her spine. I inhale the scent of her shampoo, memorising the way she fits in my arms. Not knowing when I’ll get to hold her like this again. I press my lips to the side of her head. “You need to think of the baby now. I don’t want you upset.”
She nods.
“Promise me you’re gonna think about the baby and not stress about this.”
She nods again. “I’ll try.”
“I’ll make you a cup of tea.” I press a kiss to Nora’s lips and face the kitchen window before she can see my expression properly.
The house is eerily quiet tonight. Completely different to how the day started.
I shouldn’t have gone to Nate’s parents.
From the moment I walked in, Margaret was surprised to see me there, like I didn’t belong.
I’m just their friend. I’m not part of their family.
I’ll never be part of her family. She’s made that perfectly clear.
I fill the kettle with shaky hands. Water splashes onto the counter.
Nora leans against the kitchen island. “You don’t have to do that. I can make tea.”
“I want to.” I force myself to smile. “Doctor’s orders. Pregnant women get tea.”
A weak smile flickers across her face.
The sound of the kettle boiling fills the space. I peer out of the kitchen window into the back garden. So many memories in this house, mainly from the last few months. So many happy times where I finally belonged somewhere. But it could never work outside of these four walls.
This is what I’m going to lose.
I make the tea the way she likes and slide the mug towards her.
“Thank you.” Her fingers curl around the mug as she brings it close to her chest, inhaling the aroma of the tea. “Where’s Nate?”
I glance towards the stairs. “He went up. Probably needs a minute.”
She nods, staring into her mug. “He’s hurting.”
“I know.” And the worst part is I caused it.
“I’ll go talk to him,” she says, placing her mug back on the counter.
“No. Stay here. Drink your tea. I’ll go.” I pull in a deep breath as if I need it for courage. It’s time to fix this, and there’s no better moment than now. The sooner I get it over with, the better for all of us.
“Don’t fight,” she whispers.
“We won’t.” I kiss her lips again, holding them against me for a beat too long because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to kiss her again.
I turn on my heel before she sees the swell in my eyes and the raw emotion in my breathing, and I take the stairs, each step heavier than the last.
Nate sits on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor like the fate of our family rests on his shoulders
I lean against the doorjamb, watching my best friend fall apart. The man whose life I’m about to wreck if I stay. The man I love, and I do fucking love him. So much it hurts like a knife twisting in my gut. But this is for the best. “You’re right.”
He lifts his head, his bloodshot eyes meeting mine. “About what?”
“Everything.”
Rain taps against the window.
I step farther into the room. “I’m not ashamed of what we’ve done. It’s been the best time of my life.”
His jaw ticks. “But you don’t want to fight for us.”
Us. I wish there could be an us. I wish it so much. “This is bigger than you, me, and Nora now. And I’m gonna fight.” I swallow the acid creeping up my throat and blink away the tears threatening to leak. “I’m gonna fight every day to stay away so you, Nora and Pip, can be a family.”
“You’re stepping back?” He shakes his head, disappointment all over his face.
I want to go to him. Hold him like I should have done at his parents’ house, but if I do, I’ll never have the strength to leave.
“Why?” His voice strains.
Because I love you.
Because I see what this is going to cost you.
Because tonight proved your family will never accept me.
Because our kid deserves easier than this.
I could go on, a million reasons why this is for the best, versus only one reason to stay. I don’t bother voicing any of them. There’s no point. Nate won’t understand, and the last thing Nora needs is for us to argue. “I just think…” I swallow. “Maybe everything’s moving too fast.”
He rises from the bed, giving me a hard stare. “I was ready to disown my family for you. For us.”
“I don’t want to hurt either of you.” I drop my head, shame flooding my body. I’m such a fucking coward. I don’t deserve either of them.
Nate stands in front of me, his finger curls under my chin, and he lifts my head to face him. “Don’t do this.” He’s so close, his breath falls onto my lips.
I close my eyes, hoping he’ll kiss me. I want him to kiss me just one last time, but he drops his hand and brushes past me, slipping out of the bedroom.
His footsteps descend the stairs, leaving me cold and alone, each thud like another nail in my fractured heart, but I need to be strong.
Nate’s always the one fixing things and doing what he can for his family, and now it’s my turn.
I listen to the rain against the window and the muffled clatter of Nora and Nate moving around downstairs. Normal sounds I used to be part of. I press a hand to the ache in my chest, willing it to ease up.
Nate was ready to burn his whole world down for me, and I couldn’t even say the words out loud.
I drag a hand through my hair, my chest heaving.
I might be stepping away, but it’s what’s best for all of us and our baby.
It’s simpler this way. Nate’s parents will come around when they get over the shock of it all, and they’ll love the baby like they love Alfie.
I know they will. And Nora doesn’t have to lose another family.
Everything will be as it’s supposed to be, without complications and explanations.
I stepped back once before so the two of them could be happy together when we were at uni. I can do it again, even if it kills me inside.
I’d do anything for them.
Love is doing what’s right for the people you care about, even when it’s not what any of us want. We have a child in the equation now.
Three scan pictures stack neatly on the dressing table. I take one and study the tiny potato shape our Pip grew into, then I slot it into my back pocket.
With a slow exhale, I search Nate’s room one last time, my joggers hanging over the back of the chair. My deodorant on the dresser next to Nate’s, my hoodie hung on the back of the door, then I reach for my bag.
This is for the life they deserve, even if it doesn’t include me.