Chapter 54 Nate
NATE
Ilet out a long breath as I trudge into the office. Evan’s chair is still pushed back, as if he just stepped out for coffee.
It’s been four days. The bastard hasn’t even bothered to come in.
He’s been avoiding us both by working from home.
His mug still sits on his desk, the words I’m silently judging your font choice printed across it.
A joke only he found funny. A ring of cold coffee stains the coaster like a ghost of his routine.
I should take it to the kitchen and clean it before it grows legs, but I just can’t bring myself to move anything on his desk in the hopes he shows up.
“Morning, boss,” Louise calls from the office doorway, bright as ever, and why shouldn’t she be? Her life hasn’t been detonated by a Sunday roast dinner and a smashed cake stand. “You’re in early.”
I’ve been early every day this week because I can’t stand being in that house without him.
Louise’s heels click on the laminate as she heads towards the door. “Do you want a brew? I’m doing a round.”
I clear my throat. “Yeah. Thanks, Lou.” I toss my coat over the chair, drag my laptop out, and try to focus on the day, but like the rest of this week, it’s hard.
I lift my head and observe Nora through the glass partition.
Her head down, drawing on her tablet, in her own world.
She didn’t say much this morning, just moved around me as if I were furniture.
Evan’s absence has left a hole in both of us, and I know she resents me for not making him stay or going to see him and fix it.
I’m not above begging. I’ve done it before where Nora’s concerned, when I begged him to keep trying to get her pregnant.
But I refuse to beg him to stay with us if he doesn’t want to.
Louise enters the office and places a coffee on my desk. “No Evan today?”
“Nah, has he called in?” I lift the mug and raise it towards Lou. “Thank’s for the coffee.”
“I’ve not heard from him yet. Hopefully, he’s feeling better.” She gives me a warm smile. “You have a meeting at ten. Another at two. I’ve emailed you some messages that need dealing with, including the paper supplier who can’t get the pearlescent board until next week.”
I nod. “I’ll take a look. Thanks Lou.”
“You look tired. I hope you’re not coming down with this nasty virus like Evan.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” I open my emails and filter through the spam, the lie bitter on my tongue.
Lou leaves me to it and makes her rounds with a tray of hot drinks.
My mobile phone rings on my desk. The caller ID flashes up.
Mum.
I don’t answer. I can’t deal with that shit today.
It buzzes again. This time it’s a text.
Dad: Can we talk?
My jaw clenches. I flip the phone over on the desk so I don’t have to see the screen. Through the glass, Nora is still drawing, headphones on.
Please don’t call her next.
I stood behind her today at breakfast, wanting to wrap my arms around her middle, wanting to feel our baby under my palm, wanting to tell her I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere. I can take care of us. But she shifted away before I could summon the courage.
I rub a hand over my face and force myself to look at the monitor again. Focus on what I can control. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.
When my brother died, I controlled everything I could—funeral details, flowers, programmes, food.
When my mother looked at me like she was waiting for me to fix the grief too, I swallowed my own and carried hers.
When I found out I couldn’t have kids, I controlled that too.
I didn’t fall apart. I researched. I booked appointments.
I smiled at Nora and told her we’d find another way.
And we did, with Ev’s help.
The bastard with beautiful eyes and the ability to make Nora laugh even when she was sick over the sink. The bastard who slid into our bed like he’d always belonged there, and then panicked the second shit got real.
The office phone rings.
I snatch up the receiver. “Yes, Lou?”
“I have your father on line two.”
“Tell him I’m busy. Have you heard from Ev?”
“Nothing from Ev yet. I’ll let you know if he calls.”
Cal pokes his head through the office door. “Is Ev in today, or do you want me to take his meetings again?”
“Yeah, it’s not looking like he’ll be in today, so if you can pick up what you can, that’d be great. Lou will give you his schedule.”
Cal nods. “Sure.” He lingers in the doorway, his fingers tapping on the frame. “Where is he, then?”
My throat closes up. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing, but I can see him so clearly. His hands on Nora’s belly, the way he looked at her as if she hung the moon, the way he looked at me like I was both home and hazard.
I keep my eyes on my screen, moving my mouse absentmindedly. “He’s taking a few days.”
“It’s not like him. I’ve known him to come in when he’s been on death’s door. Is he okay?”
I shrug a shoulder. “Maybe you should call him.” Cal’s probably got more chance of getting him to respond than I have. Not that I’ve tried.
“I’ll do that. I need to ask him a few questions.” Cal disappears, leaving the door ajar.
I sit here for a long beat, listening to the faint sounds of phones ringing and keyboards tapping and life carrying on. My own fingers tapping away at the keyboard, answering emails and doing quotes. Keeping the business running. I can be the man everyone relies on.
At lunch, my phone buzzes again. This time it’s Nora. My heart stutters as I answer on the second ring. “Nora.”
There’s a pause on the other end, the faint noise of the studio in the background, the sound of her pen clicking in her hand. “Hi.”
I gaze through the glass partition. Our eyes lock, hers sad like they have been since Sunday.
My chest constricts. “You good?”
“Yes.” Another long pause. “Are you?”
“I’m fine,” I say instantly. We both know it’s a lie. “Did you eat today?”
“I had toast this morning.”
“Toast isn’t lunch.”
“I have some biscuits in my drawer and a packet of crisps.”
“Nora.” I rub my forehead. “You’re growing a baby.”
“I’m just not that hungry.” There’s a thin thread of resentment in her tone that makes my stomach twist. “I’ll eat something healthy tonight. I promise.” Her voice softens, her lips forcing a small smile. “Listen, Cal said he’s spoken to Evan, and he’s coming in this afternoon.”
Hairs prickle on the back of my neck, and I straighten in my seat. “You sure you’re good?” I swallow the rising ball of emotion at the back of my throat. “Seeing him, I mean.”
“Yes, I thought maybe you could talk to him.” She breaks eye contact with me and scans her surroundings. Some of the staff are at lunch, leaving the desks next to hers empty.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” We said everything there was to say on Sunday, and he left. I won’t go over it again with him. He’s a grown fucking man. “Ev knows how I feel, and he still left me. He left us both. The sooner we can accept that, the better for all of us.”
“Because you let him go?” Her voice is quiet.
“I didn’t,” I say, too fast. “I tried—”
“You said let him go,” she whisper yells down the phone, her eyes sharp, as if they could cut right through the glass.
“What did you want me to do, Nora?” I raise my voice without meaning to. “Chain him to the bedroom? Lock him in the house?”
Silence crackles down the line. “Sorry. I’m… hormonal.”
“You’re allowed,” I say, voice tight. “You’re also allowed to be angry.”
“I am angry.”
“I know.”
“And I’m angry at you too,” she adds, like she can’t stop herself. “Because you let him leave,” she continues, staring at me through the glass partition. “And I know you think you were being strong, but it feels like you chose pride over us.”
“Do you think I wanted him to go?” My fingers tighten around the phone.
“Do you think I wanted to stand in our bedroom and watch him walk out? Do you think I wanted to hear my mother say our baby isn’t hers and then have Evan look at me like I’m a mistake he made?
” I take a breath and swallow. “I chose us. Then I chose not to force him. There’s a difference. ”
She peers at me through the glass, her eyes softening. “I know.” Her voice wobbles. “I just miss him.”
“So do I.” My chest aches. “Wanna grab something to eat after work? We can try out that new Thai place.”
“Ev wanted to go there. We said we’d go when it opened. It wouldn’t be right going without him.”
“Pick somewhere else then. We can go wherever.”
“Can we just go home?”
“Sure.” I gaze at her for a beat too long. “I love you.”
“I love you.” The phone slips from her hand and the call ends.
I stare at my mobile in hand and pull up Ev’s messages, my finger typing before my brain registers.
Nate: Where are you?
Then delete it.
Nate: Come home.
Delete.
Nate: Pip misses you.
Delete.
I drop my phone on my desk, my muscles tense. Will he show up or not?
With the office door open, I stay distracted from the memories locked in our private room. As if by keeping it open, I can still keep one foot in reality.
“Are you better?” Lou’s voice has me lifting my head.
Ev nods at her, but his eyes are on mine, his laptop and notebook tucked under his arm. He breaks eye contact and then searches the studio.
Nora locks eyes with him, and it’s as if the whole floor notices. Everyone falls silent. Then he turns back to Lou, saying something I don’t catch.
I go back to my work, but all the words blur and I can’t even remember what I was doing.
Ev enters our office, leaving the door open, as if he can’t bear to be confined in here with me. “Hey.”
I stay locked on my screen, doing my best to stay calm. “Ayup.”
“How are you?”
“How do you think I am?” Staying calm lasted all of five seconds.
He scampers over to his desk and places his laptop and notebook down. “I just came in because I have a meeting at three and Cal doesn’t really know anything about the job.”
“So you’re not dying then? You really have been avoiding us?”
“We needed some space.” He picks a few things from his desk and shoves them in his bag.
“You needed space. Nora and I just needed you.”
He pauses, a strangled sigh leaving his throat. “I’ll work from home when I can and I’ll use the spare desk near reception when I’m here.” He picks up his dirty mug.
“You’re not serious?” I rise from my seat and before I know it, I’m stomping over to his desk and yanking his folder out of his bag and putting it back. “This is your desk.”
“Nate.” He pushes his glasses up his nose, his jaw tight.
“It’s bad enough that you left our home. Don’t leave our work as well.” I take the mug out of his hand, dried coffee staining the bottom.
“I have to, for now.” He picks up the folder and shoves it back in his bag.
“Why?”
“Because it hurts too much being near you.”
“Bullshit.” My knuckles turn white around his mug.
“Four days of silence and now you’re clearing your fucking desk?
” My jaw clenches so tight my teeth ache.
I could tell him how Nora cries when she thinks I’m asleep.
How she touches her belly like she’s holding on to the last piece of him.
I could tell him I miss him so much it’s like someone cut a part of me out and left the wound open, but I don’t think it would make a difference.
With the way his jaw is set and he’s standing tall in front of me, there’s no changing his mind.
“Go on then, go.” I nod towards the door. “But don’t act like you’re doing us a favour.”
A muscle jumps in his jaw. He glances towards the glass wall, towards the rest of the office who are all pretending not to listen. “Keep your voice down,” he whisper yells.
“No, I won’t keep my voice down. You walk back in here like nothing happened and start packing up your life.”
“I’m not packing up my life.”
I huff. “You already did that on Sunday.”
Ev rubs the back of his neck. “I’m still here for work. For the business.”
“And what about the baby? You still here for that too?”
He squints through the window at Nora. She’s frozen, her eyes fixed on the glass, along with the rest of the office floor.
“The baby’s better off without me complicating its life.”
My shoulders curl inwards as my chest caves. “Don’t say that.” It’s not right that I get to play dad while he’s on the outside.
“How’s Nora?”
“She misses you.” I swallow and clear my throat, calmer now. “We both do.”
His shoulders sag as if he expected that and hoped he was wrong. “I gotta go. I have a meeting. Tell her I’m sorry, would you?”
“Tell her yourself.”
He leaves the office. The door clicks shut behind him, and the room falls silent.
I hold on to his stupid mug as if it’s all I have left of him. And if he doesn’t come back, I don’t know how to keep Nora’s heart from breaking without breaking my own right alongside it.
It wasn’t meant to be this way. We should be happy. Nora and I finally have everything we’ve dreamed of for years, and now it’s all going to shit.
I can’t control this. Heat surges through me, and I launch his mug at the wall with a roar.
It cracks against the acrylic sign on the wall that says NEN Creative, scratching the vinyl lettering, and drops to the floor, pieces of ceramic scattering across the laminate.
I heave in air and turn to the glass.
Everyone looks away and pretends to be busy, except Nora.
She gapes at me in horror, headphones around her neck, one hand pressed to her belly.
Our eyes meet through the glass. Then she stands and walks out of view towards the kitchen.
My chest splinters all over again, like the ceramic shattered at my feet. I don’t know which is worse—Evan leaving or Nora deciding she’s done with me too.
I thought the worst thing to happen was me not being able to give Nora a baby.
I was wrong.
Losing my best friend is much worse.
Losing them both… I won’t survive it.