Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
JULES
The ride up what turned out to have been a relatively small mountain was supposed to have changed everything. The things I’d told Flynn, the things he’d said to me, the way we’d held on to each other under the guise of being forced to only because of the rough terrain—it was all supposed to have changed things. Add in the fact that we’d found Xavier and witnessed his and Brooks’s emotional reunion, and I should have been able to say that things couldn’t have ended any better.
They hadn’t gotten better, at least not for me and Flynn. Three days later and we were in the same place we’d been since we’d gotten back to the ranch. As soon as we’d gotten off BJ, Flynn and his horse had gone one way and I’d gone the other. There’d been no attempts to seek each other out. Not to talk. Not to fuck. Not to do anything.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the cruel irony. We knew things about each other that no one else did and yet we couldn’t find anything to say to one another. I hadn’t been able to stop touching him on that ride but now I was terrified of what would happen if we got anywhere near each other. I knew in my heart that the connection I had with Flynn was unique. Special. It should have made me feel like I was on top of the world, but it felt like someone had tied a block of cement to my heart and with every minute that passed, that weight grew heavier. If I didn’t change the course I was on, I’d never recover from the gaping hole inside of me that grew bigger with every day that passed.
It'd been an hour since I’d slipped out of the house and made my way to the bunkhouse. I’d used up every ounce of courage I’d had to softly knock on Flynn’s door and ultimately enter his unlocked room when he hadn’t answered. After fifty-eight very long minutes, I was still sitting in the same place.
On the edge of Flynn’s bed.
The bunkhouse had been quiet from the moment I’d entered it. I’d been waiting to hear voices in the nearby kitchen that would explain why Flynn wasn’t in his room, but there’d been nothing. On my way to the bunkhouse, I’d peeked into the barn to see if BJ was still in his stall. At the time, I’d been relieved because it meant Flynn hadn’t just up and left the ranch without warning.
Unfortunately, that relief had changed to something else as each minute had ticked by, and I’d anxiously stared at the door waiting for Flynn to appear in it. Flynn might not have had a car, but he easily could have used one of the ones from the ranch to go anywhere he wanted.
What if he’d driven to some bar to find some random guy to fuck? For all I knew, he could be in one of the other rooms in the very bunkhouse I was waiting in. I hadn’t picked up on any of the other ranch hands being into guys, but I hadn’t exactly been looking, either. Especially not after how I’d initially been welcomed to the town of Eden.
Despite having put my own restless energy into cleaning, cooking, and cuddling with the only female in my life—a pretty little redhead who didn’t like sharing me with any of the other ladies in her limited but very noisy social circle—I still felt like I was going to shatter if I made even one wrong move.
Images of Flynn kissing some faceless guy began to flash through my brain like a slideshow. All the things I wanted him to do to me were being lavished on some stranger. Probably a guy he would never see again. A guy who would never know what an amazing, kind, strong, complicated man Flynn was.
God, why had I thought this was the way to go? If I hadn’t been able to get through even one conversation with my love-starved chicken without crying like a baby, what in the hell had I been thinking when I’d decided to say what I needed to say to Flynn in person?
I hadn’t been thinking.
I’d been hoping.
Quietly hoping.
I covered my eyes with my hand as I drew in one big gulp of air after another.
“Stupid,” I whispered. “So fucking stupid.”
I jumped to my feet and scanned the small room for anything to write on. Why hadn’t I been smart enough to think about all this shit while I’d still been in the house? Plenty of things to write on in there. It would have taken minutes to sneak out of the house and slip the note under Flynn’s door and be done with it.
As I hunted for even the smallest scrap of paper and a pen, I knew I was taking the coward’s way out again, but I no longer cared. Admittedly, I’d had this foolish hope that if I was in Flynn’s vicinity again, maybe something would happen. Maybe we could have talked. Cleared the air. Maybe there would have been some magical revelation that we both experienced and everything would fall into place like it was supposed to.
I searched the bathroom on the off chance that I’d find something in there, but Flynn clearly traveled light because there was only the most basic of amenities. I glanced at the mirror. I looked like shit. Dark circles made my skin look even paler than usual and the few cuts and scrapes I’d gotten during the ride up the mountain had started to scab over. It wasn’t until I saw the shimmer on my lips that I remembered the tinted lip gloss I had in my pocket. It was the only makeup I figured no one would notice, and wearing it made me feel less exposed. I took the gloss from my pocket and stared at the mirror for a moment. I only had a small amount of gloss available, and it would be hard to see, so there was no way I’d be able to say the things I’d wanted to say. I settled for writing a couple of words on the vanity’s countertop because it was solid white.
I was just stepping out of the bathroom when Flynn chose that moment to enter his room. I was standing between his nightstand and the door that led into the small bathroom, so I couldn’t have been found any guiltier of snooping if I’d tried.
“Sorry,” I began automatically before stopping. I had no speech planned. No fancy words to explain anything and everything. It was like I was expecting Flynn to understand all the things the single word meant.
Flynn, for his part, didn’t seem particularly happy to see me. If anything, he looked irritated. His entire body was tense, so much so that I could see the muscles flexing along his arm as he closed the door behind him.
The air around us may have been charged with electricity, but the silence was painfully awkward. I let out a nervous laugh that I tried to pawn off as a laugh of surprise or amusement.
“Sorry, I was just looking for something to write on so I could leave you a few words… um, a note I guess…” I stammered as I motioned to the bathroom. Flynn’s complete and utter lack of reaction had me on edge. “It wasn’t important,” I said with a shake of my head. “I’ll just let you get your rest. I’m sure you’re tired from doing whoever—” I stopped abruptly when I realized what I’d said.
Who ever? Really, Jules? What the fuck?
“Whatever,” I blurted. Flynn didn’t react.
Okay, it was time to call a spade a spade. There was no graceful way to recover.
Period.
God, if the man would just move aside so I could slide past him and out of the door and his life forever, it would make it a lot easier to put one foot in front of the other. Flynn wasn’t getting the hint, though, so I simply hung my head, hurried toward the door muttering “sorry” as I neared him, and then maneuvered my body so I could slide past him and escape the room.
I tried to slide past him, anyway. It was hard to do any sliding when the one you needed to get past wouldn’t move.
I was forced to come to a stop in front of him. We were a foot apart at most and yet he didn’t move.
God, the man was stubborn. It was maddening. Since he wasn’t making any attempt to stop me, I used my arm to reach past Flynn, making sure not to touch him, before going for the doorknob. Flynn’s hand covered it before I could get to it.
And the bastard still wasn’t speaking.
“Look, fine, okay, you got me,” I snapped in an effort to maintain a shred of dignity. “I just wanted to tell you something, but it’s moot now. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. And I’m sorry for invading your privacy.”
“What ‘doesn’t matter anymore’?” Flynn asked gruffly.
“It!” I bit out. “It! The things we told each other. The way we… the way we…”
“Touched?” Flynn supplied. If anything, my attempt at an explanation was only pissing him off even more.
“Fine, yes, touched. Seeing Brooks and Xavier together, finding out about Curtis and Del—I just. I didn’t want the same thing to happen. I wanted to look you in the eyes when I…” I couldn’t finish the thought because it hurt too fucking much. I didn’t even truly know why it hurt. Saying goodbye to Brooks would be hard as hell and yeah, it would hurt, but not like this. Not like I was being cleaved in two.
“When you said goodbye,” Flynn finished for me.
“Yeah, fine, whatever,” I whispered. I reached for the doorknob and pushed his hand away. I was surprised when he let me do it, but the feeling didn’t last because as soon as I turned the knob, Flynn turned the key that I hadn’t noticed was already in the deadbolt lock above the doorknob. The lock clicked into place before I could open the door and then Flynn was removing the key and sliding it into his pocket.
A chill ran down my spine.
I was locked in with the man and there was absolutely no way to escape. I didn’t even have my phone on me to call Brooks. My only option was to scream like hell or find a way to get the key from Flynn.
Neither option was appealing.
“Open it,” I said. My voice cracked despite my attempt to make the words sound like an order. I turned the knob in case I’d imagined the whole thing but when the door remained shut, I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “Open it.”
When Flynn didn’t respond, I felt the last few remnants of self-control starting to slip away. “Open it,” I whispered. Silent tears began to slide down my cheeks as I continued to turn the doorknob over and over. “Flynn, please,” I managed to get out right before a harsh sob escaped my throat.
I shook my head when Flynn closed his hand around my bicep. He forced me to turn around and since I literally had no place to go, I did it. I used my sleeve to wipe at my tears. It was bad enough that he had heard me crying; he didn’t need to see the tears. I didn’t have much pride left, but it was enough. No one, not even Flynn, could take that from me.
Gentle fingers beneath my chin made it impossible to keep my head down. The second my eyes met Flynn’s, I knew he had me. Even if I could physically escape him, he’d managed to take that need from me.
I let out a soft whimper when Flynn dropped his head and kissed me. It was the kind of kiss you never forgot. All the things I hadn’t seen in his eyes when he’d entered the room were in that kiss. It wasn’t about lust. He wasn’t trying to punish me in any kind of way.
Flynn’s thumb gently stroked my cheek as he kissed me. He ended the kiss but left his lips close enough that they brushed up against mine with every breath he took.
“After everything we’ve been through, Jules, do you really think I would ever raise a hand against you in anger?”
I shook my head frantically. “No, never,” I said roughly.
Flynn kissed me again. A searing kiss that was still tender but demanding. I could practically feel his relief.
Which was exactly why I had to break the kiss. When I turned my head so Flynn couldn’t easily kiss me again, his hold on me eased. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when he dropped his hand from my cheek and took a step back.
The damn tears started up again. I forced myself to look at him. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Flynn,” I admitted. “But that’s all I seem to be doing. I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“This,” I whispered. “Stay,” I managed to get out before another harsh sob hit me. “I came here because… because I didn’t want to leave without seeing you one more time. My flight leaves tomorrow morning.”
“You’re running away,” Flynn murmured.
“It’s all I know how to do. I came to this place to try and get my head on straight for once in my life. I thought if I could be there for Brooks, then maybe…” I stopped and shook my head because I didn’t know what the next words were supposed to be.
“You needed him just as much as he needed you,” Flynn responded. “You needed to find home.”
I let out an ugly laugh. “I live in one of the most expensive apartments in New York, I have seven cars, none of which I ever drive because I don’t have anywhere to go. I own a company that employs hundreds of people, thousands of people live in buildings I own, I have enough money to last ten lifetimes.” I was talking so fast that I had to pause long enough to pull in a deep breath. “I can go to any club, gay, straight, it doesn’t matter. One round of drinks for everyone in the place and I have an endless supply of people who all want to be my friend. I can wear whatever I want. I can be whoever I want. Makeup, designer clothes straight off fashion show runways, expensive gifts to go around. Everyone wants to party at my place because why wouldn’t they? Free drinks, plenty of coke to snort and pills to swallow, and anonymous sex with guys, girls, both.” I sighed and shook my head. “Cliché poor little rich kid who never had to lift a finger to earn any of what he’s got, and he still feels sorry for himself.”
“None of it’s real,” Flynn offered.
I shook my head. “All of it was me trying to escape… me.”
Flynn backed up until he was sitting on the end of his bed. He dropped his head into his hands and then scrubbed at his face before running his fingers through his hair. “Jules, I know I’ve treated you like shit and I haven’t exactly been honest about some of my behavior, but you don’t need to be the one to leave. If Brooks has given you even a taste of what having a real home is like, then fight to hang on to it. I can be gone tomorrow. Curtis will understand. This job was always meant to be temporary. Please, Jules, I can’t be the one who forces you to go back to a place you never really belonged in.”
Every word Flynn spoke was enough to gut me, but to watch him crumble under the weight of such unbearable pain and guilt would be another one of those moments that would stay with me forever.
My entire body was shaking as I took a step forward. Then another. The closer I got to Flynn, the easier those steps became and by the time I reached him, that little seed of ridiculous hope was sprouting and spreading throughout my entire body. I eased Flynn’s hands from his head. His knuckles were white, proving he’d been gripping his hair so hard that it’d left the joints in his fingers nearly bloodless. I ran my own fingers through his hair, applying only the slightest amount of pressure in the hope that it would get rid of any sting that might have lingered along his scalp.
Flynn sighed and leaned into my touch. His arms went around my waist and his forehead dropped to my chest so I could continue to pet him.
“So you’ll stay,” Flynn softly asked. “You’ll stay here with Brooks and everyone else and see if you can make a life for yourself here? A place to call home?”
I dropped my head so I could kiss his temple. “No,” I responded. As expected, the word had Flynn jerking his head up so he could look at me. Disbelief was etched into the lines of his face.
“Jules—” Flynn began. He was slowly shaking his head.
I captured his face with my hands to stop the movement but only so I could kiss him.
Flynn hesitated for a few seconds before he started kissing me back. When I broke the kiss, I kept my hands where they were but moved my lower body until I was straddling his lap. His arms tightened around me, and I stroked his face with both of my hands. “Home isn’t with Brooks, Flynn. That stopped being an option when I met this incredible man in a dirty alley where three guys were beating the shit out of me. This kind, strong, sweet, beautiful man who didn’t care that the person standing before him wasn’t who he thought.” I smiled and added, “You see, this man, he looked at me in a way no one ever had before. No one else ever bothered to look beyond the clothes and the makeup and the attitude. That man ruined any chance I had at finding a home here.”
As my words began to sink in, Flynn’s expression softened. He turned his head long enough to press a kiss against my palm. “I found my home, Flynn. In you. I knew I would screw it up, though. I knew that I wasn’t going to be that same thing for you?—”
Flynn kissed me hard. “You are, Jules. God,” he breathed as he pressed our foreheads together. “I thought I lost you.” His mouth captured mine again and with every touch, every caress, my fears fell away one by one until it was just me and Flynn.
The real me.
It didn’t take long before our bodies’ natural instincts took over. I could feel Flynn’s erection every time I shifted my hips a certain way. As badly as I wanted to roll my hips so that our cocks rubbed against one another, I knew when Flynn tensed up that I couldn’t push him any further.
“Jules, I need to tell you something. I need to explain,” Flynn managed to get out between harsh breaths. “Those times you tried to touch me and I… I turned away, I didn’t know what else…”
Flynn was getting himself so worked up that he seemed unable to catch his breath. I tipped his head up so he was forced to look at me. “Shhh, breathe for me, Flynn. Slow, deep breaths.”
“No,” he said with a violent shake of his head. “I have to explain because I want to fix it…”
I had both my hands on either side of Flynn’s neck so that my thumbs could stroke over his jawline. His anxiety was scaring the shit out of me, but I needed to remain calm. That was when I felt it.
Beneath my hands on both sides of his neck, there was a thumping sensation. Understanding, clarity, and absolute terror hit me all at once. What I was feeling was Flynn’s carotid arteries. I added a little pressure to each of them and was immediately met with one pump after another of each vessel. There was almost no break between the pulses.
His heart was racing so hard in his chest that the pressure in his blood was building as his arteries tried to keep up with supplying oxygen to all of his organs.
“Flynn, where’s your phone?” I asked as calmly as I could. The mere thought of losing Flynn to another heart attack made my body go cold. Even if I called 911, it would take an ambulance forever to reach the ranch. At the same time, trying to race down the side of a mountain in the dead of night to get him to the hospital sounded like an even worse plan.
I began searching Flynn’s pockets for his phone. “Stay with me, baby. I’m going to get us some help, okay?”
He closed his fingers over my wrist just as I located his phone and began pulling it from his pocket.
“Flynn, I need to make the call,” I said as whatever calm I’d managed to maintain went up in smoke.
“No,” Flynn said with a shake of his head. “Panic attack,” he choked out.
I climbed off his lap and knelt in front of him. This was a fucking panic attack?
“How do you know?” I asked without thinking. The man could barely speak and I wanted him to try and explain how he knew it wasn’t another heart attack. “Are you sure?” I questioned even as I began running my palms up and down his thighs in the hope of providing him any kind of comfort that I could.
Flynn nodded.
“Okay,” I said more to myself than to Flynn. “Panic attacks can be managed,” I murmured as I tried to figure out the fastest way to bring him some relief. I needed to get him to slow down his breathing.
I grabbed Flynn’s face in a less than gentle grip. “Look at me, Flynn. I want your eyes to stay on mine unless I tell you to close them, got it?”
Not giving him a chance to respond, I ordered, “I need you to try to slow your breathing. Hold your breath when I tell you to and keep your eyes on mine while I count. Hold it.” Flynn struggled through several stops and starts, but when he finally managed to hold his breath for more than a couple of seconds, I counted out loud to ten and then told him to breathe out. I began counting again, going only to five before I told him to breathe in.
It seemed to take hours before I saw even the slightest improvement. I kept adding a few seconds to each countdown until Flynn was no longer gasping for air. His fingers had been wrapped around my wrists the entire time. I’d likely have bruises by morning, but I didn’t care in the least. The fact that he had clung to me that hard was just further proof of how helpless he must have been feeling as he struggled to breathe.
“Okay, baby, you can close your eyes now,” I said when Flynn’s breathing finally evened out. “I want you to think of the wolves,” I added. “Think about those babies and the way their parents watch over them. Remember how untouched those wolves were? Their natural habitat keeps them all safe. You keep them safe by making sure the human world will never hurt them.”
I kept talking even after Flynn’s death grip on my wrists eased. I prattled on endlessly about the wolves. By the time he had released my wrists altogether, I wasn’t even sure of everything I’d said. Probably a lot of bullshit that I’d just strung together.
“Stay here,” I said. “I’m just going to the bathroom to get you something to drink.” Since I was too afraid to leave Flynn long enough to run to the kitchen which was almost right next to his room, I cleaned out the plain little cup that was meant to hold his toothbrush and then filled it with water. I also dampened a hand towel with cold water and then took both back to the bed. Flynn was still hunched over, but his breathing was normal and his body was relaxed.
“Here,” I said as I handed him the water. I sat down next to him on the bed and draped the hand towel over the back of his neck and held it there.
“I can fix this, Jules,” Flynn murmured. “I promise. I’ll figure out how to fix it?—”
“Flynn, sweetheart?—”
“I can’t lose you,” he continued. “I love you so much?—”
“Flynn—”
“They’re manageable. I called my doctor in New York after the first time?—”
Since Flynn wouldn’t let me finish a sentence, I did the only thing that I knew would distract him long enough for me to get a word in. I kissed him.
Caught off guard, it took him a second to catch up and then he was kissing me back. I kept the kiss as tame as I could, despite Flynn’s attempt to deepen it. “I get to talk now, okay?” I said when I forced myself to end the kiss.
Flynn looked dazed, but he nodded.
“Good,” I said. I couldn’t keep from touching him, so I settled for running my fingers along his ear, skimming my nails gently over the sensitive spot just behind the upper part of it.
“First off, I need to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating a second ago because the rest of what I have to say is going to depend on whether or not I heard you right.”
Flynn smiled.
It was another one of those moments that I knew I’d remember forever. I suspected I’d be collecting a lot of memories like that for the next fifty or sixty years.
“I love you, Jules. More than you’ll ever know.”
My heart flip-flopped like a fish out of water. “I love you too, Flynn.”
“You don’t need to say it if you’re not ready?—”
“Okay, that brings us to rule number one,” I cut in.
“Rules? There are going to be rules?”
If the man hadn’t just scared the shit out of me with the panic attack from hell, I would have shoved him hard. Or I would have jumped him because Flynn seemed very intrigued by the idea of rules in our relationship.
“Rule number one is that over the next several weeks you’re going to do everything I say without question. You’re going to rest when I tell you to, you’re going to eat and drink all the healthy shit I tell you to. You’re going to satisfy my every desire until I say otherwise.”
“Do I get a say?—”
I slapped my hand over Flynn’s mouth. “Rule number two is to follow rule number one. Rule number three is that we’re going to get through this together. No more ‘I’m going to fix it’ crap. You aren’t broken, Flynn. Whatever we do or don’t do in this bed or any other doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is you. Just you.”
Flynn sent me another killer smile that I could both feel and see considering I still had my hand on his mouth.
“Rule number four is keeping a lid on all this,” I said as I looked up and down his body. “The smiles are good, and I’ll take any kind of laughter too, but you will refrain from the use of dirty talk, sexy banter, looking too hot, and any kind of begging, teasing, or pushing of my buttons to get an unapproved response from me until I give you the green light to do otherwise.”
I dropped my hand from Flynn’s mouth when he licked the sensitive spot between my thumb and first finger.
“Are you talking about stuff like that?” Flynn asked in all innocence.
“Rule five—and this one is the biggie, sweetie—if you want me, it’s for life. Just like those two wolves we saw. Now, as to the whole baby thing, we can talk about that later, but I can already tell you that I’m not putting this gorgeous body of mine through raising more than three babies with you. Unless there are twins. Those count as one.”
“Babe, how long is this list?”
“Yellow light, Flynn,” I warned. It was all I could do not to laugh when he pretended to zip his lips shut and throw away the key.
“Rule five point one. There’s only one alpha in this couple and as of this moment, I’m Mama Wolf and you’re one of those cute, pudgy little babies who need a lot of love, attention, and watching out for. This rule will last until you get that green light, then you can be the alpha male as much as you want… in the bedroom. Other rooms, places, positions, and number of times per day can be negotiated at a later date.”
Flynn unzipped his lips. “What happens if I break one of the rules? Will I be appropriately… disciplined ?”
“Rule number six, I want my own horse to ride because I’m tired of BJ’s hair all over my ass. And there will be no riding together of any kind until I?—”
“Give me the green light,” Flynn supplied.
“Correct. And you’re getting your own chicken,” I added. “I’ve already got the perfect one in mind. She’s got gorgeous black feathers and a set of legs that are to die for.”
Flynn laughed. “Do I have to spend hours following her around? Because I do have a very needy horse, remember?”
“BJ will be fine. When you pick out my horse, you’re going to get him a hot little boy toy to keep him company… or girl toy, I guess, if that’s the way he swings.”
“Okay, but you get to explain all of this to him because I’m not sure he’s going to like sharing me with anyone besides you.”
I rolled my eyes. “All right, let’s get moving,” I said as I jumped to my feet.
“You want me to find BJ his ‘toy’ now?” Flynn asked. I’d never seen the man look as relaxed and happy as he did in that moment.
“Give me your phone,” I ordered. I held my hand out. Flynn dutifully complied, but when he made a move to get up, I added, “Nope, stay right there.” I snapped the picture and handed the phone back to him.
Flynn looked at the picture and shook his head in confusion. “Did you want me to send you this or something?”
“No, that’s for you,” I said.
“Okay, so what kind of picture of you do I get?”
“None. That picture is to remind you of this night because I promise you, you’re not going to be looking that confident and content by the time I’m done with you. Now hop to it. We’re going to the hospital.”
“Jules,” Flynn began. He sat up, his brow creased with worry lines again. I sat down on his lap, though I made sure to do it sideways so our boy bits wouldn’t come into contact.
“Rule zero. This is a permanent one. No questioning it. Ever. Rule zero is that you trust me to always protect you and take care of you when you need me. You’ll never wake up alone anywhere again if I have something to say about it. This she bitch isn’t letting anyone or anything take you away from her. This rule goes both ways and it’s for life. So what will it be, handsome?”
Flynn climbed to his feet, setting me on my own in the process, and pocketed his phone. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out the key for the lock on the door. An unexpected rush of fear went through me. Was he sending me packing? Did he not mean what he’d said? Maybe I’d pushed him too?—
That was as far as my overactive brain got because Flynn chose that moment to pull me flush against him. I waited for his lips to come into contact with mine, but when he dipped his head, he lined up our mouths so they were close but not touching.
“Rule zero. Goes both ways,” he reminded me.
I let out a rush of air and nodded. “Both ways.”
“For life.”
“For life,” I agreed with a grin.
Flynn angled his head so he could kiss me the way he wanted.
Fully.
Completely.
I was a bowl of Jell-O by the time he ended the kiss. “Just sealing our deal with a kiss,” he said with a smile before he kissed me softly on the tip of my nose. “Oh, and by the way, remind me to teach you more about wolves because most of what you were saying was?—”
My sharp frown had Flynn shutting his mouth. The way he was staring at me made me wish like hell that we could just stay there in his room.
“Okay, let’s do this,” Flynn said. He kissed me again and then his big hand was squeezing my ass. He promptly released me, shooting me a wink before saying, “Sorry, needed one for the road.”
I smiled innocently as Flynn motioned to the door. The poor man had no idea what he was in for.
God, this was going to be fun.