Chapter Fourteen #2
“I don’t want to ruin dinner, Sir.” I signaled to the pizza I’d been so excited about. I wasn’t sure I had much of an appetite anymore. “Can we eat while it’s hot?”
“We can eat.” He lowered to collect one of the boxes and thrust it at me. “But you’re still going to tell me what’s on your mind.”
My stomach lurched at his firmer tone. It was one I knew only too well, one that conveyed that my resistance was entirely futile. I would be sharing with him, whether I was ready to or not.
“Thank you.” I opened the box, allowing the smell of the hot, melting cheese to rush to greet me, and right on cue, my stomach growled. Apparently, I was still hungry, after all.
“I’m waiting.” He grabbed the other box for himself, hoisting a large slice from its confines as his uncompromising gaze landed on me.
“Yes, I was thinking about Fortorus.” Discomfort crept along my limbs as I said its name aloud, as though the place was a demon I needed to exorcise. In so many ways, the analogy was fitting.
“I know those memories will haunt us for a long time, but we’re away from there now, little girl. You’ll never have to go back.” His voice was softer.
“I know, and I can’t tell you how fucking grateful I am for that, Sir, but what about all the others?” Emotion caught in my throat as I got to the crux of my concerns. “It isn’t only your driver who might be dead, but all those other innocent women, too. And I just left them!”
“It was your idea to help them escape.” His pizza hung from his fingers, and I watched hot mozzarella slide toward the tip of the slice. “They’re free because of you.”
“Let’s be honest, Adam, most of them are probably dead by now.”
Sitting there, it all seemed so obvious.
We hadn’t taken the time to consider Macmillan or the others because, deep down, we knew the truth.
Anyone caught breaking the rules would have been executed.
We’d slipped away because we could, because Harper’s influence had bought us a chance to be free, and he’d chosen to take me with.
None of the others had enjoyed such favor. They wouldn’t have stood a chance.
“Maybe.” His grimace conveyed his concurrence. “But you did everything you could, little girl.”
“It’s not enough.” I sniffed away my fresh tears, angry at my own self-indulgent audacity. How dare I eat pizza while they starved? How dare I sit there and cry while they were left to endure the terrible repercussions of the country we’d fled? “How can I ever look at myself in the mirror again?”
“What you’re describing is survivor’s guilt.” He finally took a bite of his pizza, his big, blue eyes bearing down on me as he chewed.
“It’s guilt, all right.” Glancing down at the pizza I’d chosen, I tugged a slice free and made myself take a bite. The flavor of cheese and oregano flooded my mouth, but rather than filling me with the glee I’d anticipated, I scarcely even recognized the taste.
“It’s going to take time to adjust, little girl.” He took another bite, his attention never leaving me.
“Yeah, well... that might be the understatement of this century, Sir.”
“Hey.” He swallowed down his mouthful of food. “Be careful with your tone. I decided not to be too heavy-handed with your spanking, but I’m happy to change my mind if you prefer.”
“Jesus, this isn’t about spanking.” Dropping my pizza slice back into the box, all thoughts of my earlier arousal were well and truly extinguished. “Why does everything boil down to bloody sex with you?”
Anger spiraled in me, surging up and forcing me to my feet. I pushed the pizza box onto the seat beside me as I rose, spinning to confront him. It no longer mattered that I was naked. The heat of the blood rushing around my system was keeping me warm.
“Excuse me?” He arched an eyebrow at me, but rather than invite me to cede, the cocky gesture only enflamed my rage.
“You heard me.” My voice rose, striking a volume I’d have never have risked while we were in England.
But we weren’t in England anymore, and Harper was no longer my commander general.
“Why can’t we talk, Sir, and I mean really talk?
I need to be able to be honest with you, to be my authentic self, not constantly worrying about erotic consequences. ”
For the longest moment, he said nothing. He merely watched me, allowing just enough time to pass for me to start to feel the weight of discomfort.
Bastard.
Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, I knew he knew what he was doing. Making me wait was just like denying me pleasure; it was all about him having control.
“I agree. I want you to be able to be yourself.”
I almost sighed when he finally spoke, physically sensing the relief wash over me.
I still loathed that he held so much authority over me, yet at the same time, I accepted that I’d given him that power.
I’d clung to him like a fucking life raft since Fortorus, and standing in the darkening lounge, I still needed him.
Not only because he had all the money and documentation, but because I loved him.
“But I expect us both to speak to the other with respect, little girl.” His expression was so intense that I was surprised I hadn’t just burst into flames.
“I didn’t mean any disrespect.”
Frantically, I ran over the events of the last few minutes, trying to ascertain if and when I’d been rude. I certainly hadn’t intended to upset him, but his constant reference to ‘punishment’ was as infuriating as it could be erotic.
His brow rose. “Well, that’s not how it sounded. I didn’t think you had any complaints about our sex life.”
Was he fucking joking? Harper had given me the greatest sexual highs of my life.
“I don’t, Sir.” I edged closer, conscious that the anger inside was dissipating almost as fast as it had emerged. In its place, there was tension, simmering alongside the old sadness that lingered. “Aside from not having enough orgasms.”
He smirked at my quiet protest, shaking his head. “Thanks to your latest outburst, I’d say there’s even less chance now of you coming any time soon.”