Chapter Fifteen
Adam
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OFFERING MY PALM TO her, I watched as she shuffled closer, her expression oddly coy. I hadn’t seen that look on her face for a long time. It reminded me of the woman I’d first picked up in the camp and brought back to my unit, of the terrified, trembling woman I’d coaxed back to confidence.
Thank God I took a chance and rescued her.
I hadn’t expected her abrupt outpouring of emotion, neither the sadness nor the anger anticipated, but speaking about Fortorus had triggered unspoken feelings that she needed to release.
That much I could understand. The camp I’d run had stripped her of her rights and her freedoms, and if Ian had got his way, it would also have taken her life.
“I really didn’t mean to be disrespectful.” Her voice was quieter than before, a sign, I hoped, that she was calmer. “I just feel like the threat of punishment means I sometimes can’t adequately express myself, and I don’t know how to deal with that, Sir.”
Her eyes fluttered closed as her fingers tightened on mine, and without another word, she fell gracefully to her knees before me. Her exquisite show of sweet submission was utterly fucking breath-taking.
“Keep talking to me, little girl.” I stroked small circles onto the back of her hand, watching her reactions carefully.
Even though I’d given the order scores of times, it was still a wonder to me when she chose to kneel without command.
“I know I haven’t been through all the shitty things you have, but I want to understand. ”
Her mouth parted, and she pulled in what seemed like a steadying breath. “I don’t know how best to explain, Sir.”
“Try, please.”
I wanted to hold her, wanted to kiss away the new tears burning in her anguished eyes, but I sensed it was better to just let her talk.
To let her be.
I realized it was the first time she’d really been allowed to be herself for years. Even before Fortorus had been built, women’s rights had been squeezed back to a time prior to the 1950s. Life must have been unbearable for her and all the others.
“I’ve just been muted for so long.” Her eyes flickered open. “Sometimes, when you give an order, it’s difficult to unpick what’s erotic about the instruction and what’s just plain chauvinism.” She heaved in a shaky breath. “And I’ve put up with that bigotry for so long. We all have.”
Chauvinism?
Was that what I was doing?
Is that who I’ve become?
I hesitated at the recrimination, suddenly unsure, and an image of my mother burst into my mind’s eye. What would she have thought about my misogynistic exploits? Would I, given the chance, have been able to look her in the eyes and explain my behavior?
I had been a part of the machine that had created and discriminated on the basis of biological sex and gender. I’d sat in those meetings where the plans and policies were discussed and finally enacted, dividing the nation not just by gender, but by the categories Ian deemed ‘worthy’.
Watching the water make tracks along her cheeks, it occurred to me, for perhaps the first time, that I didn’t just have culpability in what had taken place in Britain, or even at Fortorus, but that I was actually part of the problem.
Men like me were the reason women like her were afraid to speak.
“You think I’m sexist.” It was more a statement than a question as the reality surged over me like freezing water. I had been a chauvinist, even though the outcome had not been my intention. My behavior had spoken for itself.
She shrugged, evidently not wanting to upset me. “I think you have been sexist, Sir.”
I didn’t counter her. I knew I couldn’t.
Whether I’d believed the propagated bullshit the machine had churned out or not, I’d still overseen the imprisonment and torment of thousands of women.
I had done that.
I was the problem.
“Because I ask you to kneel and crawl?” The weight of responsibility was heavier than I’d expected.
There had been no consequences for men at Fortorus, especially for the man who ran the place, but holding her hand, the cogs in my head were turning, trying to make sense of what I was hearing.
Even before Ian’s grand vision for the country had been rolled out, I’d always enjoyed dominating my lovers with pain and punishment, but maybe I’d allowed my personal kinks to become official policy, especially at Fortorus.
Perhaps, somewhere in the lust for power, I’d forgotten that the people we were fucking with were real.
Women with children, with partners, and other people they loved.
Women with careers they’d invested time, energy, and money into.
Capable women who also cared about our country.
“Maybe. But then, I love that, too, so...” Her voice trailed away.
“So, we’re both just fucked up?”
I leaned closer, trying to push the weight of my guilt away.
I would have to come to terms with what I’d done—not just to the woman I loved, but to all of the women we’d left behind, but my major concern was Caroline.
Was she okay? Could she cope with the precarious dynamic we’d fostered, and most pivotally, did she still love me?
The surge of insecurity was crippling, tightening my grip on her delicate fingers. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“Maybe,” she repeated. “All I can tell you is that for so long, I haven’t been able to speak up. I didn’t even have a voice, and sometimes, I just want to scream into the silence and make sure I’m still alive.” Her brow creased. “For fuck’s sake, that doesn’t even make sense.”
“No, it does.” Somehow, in my myriad of competing emotions, her knot of emotional responses was understandable.
Deprived for so long, she sought freedom, yet the connection we’d found still demanded her submission to me.
“You want to be free, but our dynamic means I still make the rules. Our love stifles your liberty.”
It was a crushing conclusion.
“And I don’t want to lose us or our dynamic,” she clarified at once. “I love this thing we have, Sir. It’s just, I suppose sometimes it reminds me of—"
“The dark shades of who I used to be,” I interrupted her unthinkingly, and possibly, proving her earlier point.
“Yeah.” She blew out a breath. “This is all a lot.”
“Come here.”
Patting my thighs, I guided her to her feet and ushered her onto my lap, where I tugged the throw closer and wrapped its soft warmth around her. “I’m here for you, and I need you, little girl.”
The admission echoed in my head, cementing the truth for me. I really did need her, like I needed the fucking oxygen in the air. There was no future without Caroline. None I was willing to conceive anyway.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to listen to you and adjust to this new life together. If that means stepping back from being in charge for a while, then so be it.”
Though God only knew how I’d manage that feat. After so long, giving commands was almost second nature.
“Thank you.” She shifted over me. “I want you to be in charge, though. I mean, you wouldn’t be you unless you were bossing me around in some way, Sir.”
Laughter erupted at her quip. It should have been impertinent, but in the face of what was at stake, I decided her honesty was essential.
To survive the next few weeks of living undocumented and ‘on the run,’ we needed to be a team, and that meant listening to each other and doing our best to respond to each other’s needs.
“Okay, so, I’m still in charge.” I was happy with that. “But I promise to give you ample time to share your views and feelings on what we do and where we go.”
“And the past?” She swallowed at the thought. “Can I be honest about that, too, Sir?”
“You’d better be.” Fisting her hair, I pulled her even closer to me. “I’ll need your full honesty, please. Otherwise, you know what there’ll be?” I paused for dramatic effect, lips curling as she answered.
“Consequences, Sir?”
I was pleased to hear her tone was wry instead of raw.
“Exactly.” Leaning closer, I stole a kiss. “I’m sorry you haven’t felt you can be yourself around me, little girl. I’ll do better.”
It had been a long time since I’d been accountable to anyone except Ian, and even longer since I’d vowed to improve and actually meant it.
“I appreciate that.” She pressed her lips to mine, moaning when my digits eased through her soft tresses. “And for my part, Sir, I’ll try not to keep losing my shit with you.”
I chuckled at how she made that sound. She’d launched into quite the tantrum and probably deserved another spanking, but we were both too exhausted to indulge. We needed to finish eating and, since it was probably too late for a grocery run, to catch up on our sleep.
“Thank you, and can I ask for one more thing, little girl?”
She tilted her head at me. “What’s that?”
“The next time you do lose your shit, please don’t wallop me around the back of the head and leave me.”
The retort was a poor attempt at humor, referencing the time she’d battered me with my own decanter and fled into the night at the camp. The horrified look on her face, though, told me immediately that I’d overstepped.
“Just a joke,” I assured her, regretting the remark. She had hurt me then, and abandoned me, assuming I was dead, but she’d paid the price for her mistakes. I’d seen to that personally, and nothing she’d undertaken compared to the atrocities I’d overseen. “Probably not the greatest timing.”
“I said I was sorry about that.” The words left her lips in one long rush of air.
“I know.” Taking her face in my hands, I held her steady. “I’ll admit what you did hurt me.” It was the reason she wanted me to have another MRI scan when the logistics allowed. “But I’m sorry, too. I was wrong to bring it up. I can’t keep beating you with your past mistakes.”
“No.” She tried to shake her head between my palms. “I really harmed you, and for all we know, I’ve done lasting damage, Sir.”
“We’ve both hurt each other,” I ceded. Based on her recent overreactions to my concern for Macmillan, I’d probably contributed to her long-term psychological health more than she’d damaged my already pretty fucked-up brain.
“And all I can promise is that, from this point on, I’ll do my best to never do so again. ”
“We’re a right pair, Sir.” Her lips twisted into a smile.
That was a diplomatic appraisal.
“I’m still worried about you, though.” She reached past my hands and stroked her fingers through my hair.
It was such a small act, but one I would never have permitted before we fled. Women weren’t allowed to so much as even meet a man’s eyes at Fortorus, let alone touch him. Such transgressions would have seen her whipped at dawn, or worse... That stark reality cascaded over me as she went on.
“We should get you to a doctor as soon as we can. Didn’t Armitage say you needed a second opinion?”
“He was just being thorough,” I soothed, recalling the doctor’s last call on the Carla. “Honestly, I haven’t had a headache for a while. I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe Fortorus was the headache all along.” Her tone was dry.
“Yeah, maybe.” Releasing her face, I pulled her against my body, thinking about her words.
Fortorus had been nothing but poison right from the start, and I should never have agreed to manage it, but then, paradoxically, if I hadn’t concurred with Ian’s awful plans and established the camp, we would probably never have met.
Not for the first time, I thanked the God I hardly even believed in that I’d been so damn fortunate.
A woman like Caroline.
An intelligent beauty with a proclivity for humiliation and someone who didn’t only have feelings for me, but was even prepared to forgive my terrible transgressions?
She was more than a man like me merited.