Chapter 5
My mother didn’t want me.
Following in devastated silence, I allowed Cyderial to draw me away from my mother’s house. Offering no resistance as he guided me back into the bustle of the market, where he no longer tried to tempt me with shiny things.
The male was on a mission to get me to his vehicle.
Acting much the same as when we arrived, the crowd around us gawked, moved out of our path, and whispered amongst themselves as I stumbled by.
Not that I cared in the slightest.
I could hardly even think straight, could not comprehend how this happened.
How could my own mother not love me?
Didn’t she know she was my world? What I went through for her?
Incapable of another step, ugly words vile on my tongue, I felt the foundation of what I built my life on crumbling right beneath my feet. Yet, no matter how much I wished it might, the street did not open up and swallow me whole. “I am loveable. I know I am.”
Even still, the life had been sucked right out of my chest.
Dismissed. I had no value to her. She’d already gained her house, after all. Found a husband and birthed ten fully human children.
Right there, out where everyone could see, hiccupping sobs stole my breath.
Just like they had when that same woman dropped me off at the academy, trading me in for her cash prize.
How many times had I seen the itty-bitties come in heartbroken, crying like I did? How many times had I scooped them up, held them tight, and promised them they were wholly loveable? That they were wanted?
“She sent me letters. She made that cake.” Had Cyderial really ordered her to write me every year? I couldn’t tell, not when he was looking at me with so much pity. “Why did she let me think she loved me?”
Without those letters, I would have given up long ago. “Cyderial, they abuse children at the academy, trying to turn us into soldiers. And I survived it, because I wanted my mother to have a great life, even if mine was awful.”
He didn’t admonish my outburst or gloat. Cyderial gave me time, drawing me to his chest so I could cry all the harder, and held me when I was weak.
Arms tight around my body, he murmured softly, “To be frank, my dear, it went better than I anticipated. And I am proud of you for standing up to that ingrate when he bullied your brother. Being thrown out of a house for defending your family is your birthmother’s failing, not yours.”
But if I hadn’t said anything, maybe I would’ve still been there. Maybe my mother would have served me some of her special tea.
And all of it would have been a lie, so what did any of it matter?
“You’re a bully, and I stand up to you all the time. That doesn’t make me special.”
“I love you.” A kiss landed on the top of my head.
And though it felt nice, his declaration could not have been from the heart. His love would never be the love I lost from my mother. Sorrow finding a friend in its closest compatriot, rage, I felt the flutters of real anger and drew back to snarl, “That’s different! You heard a song and went crazy. Your love has nothing to do with me as a person. It’s purely a biological response.”
“Lorieyn, that’s not true.” He dragged me right back to him, with no care for the gaping crowd. “I am capable of love, you know. And I choose to love you, with your smart mouth and hidden agendas. I love all the things about you beyond a purely sexual impulse. Which, yes, I have that too, but I have loved you enough to wait ten agonizing years for you. In that time, your mother forgot how much she loved the little girl you once were. Maybe she had to. I expect the loss of you would have been devastating.”
Like that, sorrow swept away the anger, my lip quivering, as I said, “I remember her being really nice. She’d hold me until I fell asleep and dressed me in pretty clothes she made just for me.”
“Someday, you are going to be an amazing mother, and you will remember this moment when your children need you most. You will be there for them.” Cupping my face in his hands, Cyderial was oh-so gentle as he wiped away my tears. “You will protect them. Even when they are a hundred years old, you won’t forget—they will still be your little ones. You are not the kind of person who could give their baby away for profit and move on with her life.”
Eyes wet, tears all over my face, my meaner parts had one more jab. “If you had not taken me away from her for all those years, she wouldn’t have stopped loving me.”
“Do you really think that’s true?” It wasn’t said in cruelty; it was said in compassion.
No.
I loved her fiercely for ten years, honored her every day in my heart. She birthed other children, real children, and my value to her had already been cashed in. Knowing the cost of bearing me, she had chosen before I was born to give me up and walk away.
Such adoration in his eyes, Cyderial offered a soft smile. “We must take these moments of disappointment and turn them into something we can build from. We can choose not to repeat the mistakes of our forebearers. We can choose not to let other people dictate our worth or our happiness. Jae should be ashamed of her lack of pride in her wonderful hybrid daughter. You are remarkable, you are brilliant, and you are loveable.”
Sniffing, I pressed my shaking lips together and nodded.
It was difficult to associate the man talking so compassionately and wiping away my tears with the cold-blooded general I despised for so long. They were two entirely different creatures. And to imagine I was accepting comfort from him?
Who was I?
How could I have allowed myself to cry in public?
To allow strangers to witness a moment that was very personal and private, not something for gawkers to whisper about.
And there were so many of them.
“Cyderial, everyone is looking at us.” Some were pointing their communication devices right at me.
“Who cares? Let them look.” He pulled me into a tight hug so I might hide my face should I choose. “You are the only thing I am concerned about right now.”
Sanctuary was in that embrace. Melting into the arms of the monster who turned my life on its head, I found shelter. A place where I was safe to grieve and remember, I am wholly lovable. Even if I didn’t feel it in that moment.
Perhaps I would hate myself later for allowing such a man to hold me this way. Or, maybe I had to choose to survive as best I could, even if it was with a difficult mate I would have never chosen.
A mate who was letting me cry all over his uniform as he stroked my back and hushed me.
There was some comfort to be found in his embrace, but it wasn’t enough.
My pain at my mother’s rejection was so astounding that it physically hurt.
Unlike injuries from training or battle, it was not going to heal quickly or vanish without a scar.
All thoughts of touring the city fled. I just wanted to forget the day ever happened.
Do anything to make such loss go away.
I didn’t want to think. At all.
Reaching for Cyderial’s neck, I pulled his head down so I might whisper this all to him. I begged him to take me to bed and make me feel better. To use every trick. To do whatever he wanted if it would allow me to rest in oblivion when it was over. And then I sobbed in relief when he promised me he would do all I asked and more.
* * *
I wokegroggy and swollen about my middle to such a point it was difficult to sit up. Earnest to keep his promise, Cyderial had done much to distract me from my sorrow.
Maybe too much, considering the size of my belly.
It protruded, the pressure great, yet the plug held firm.
Fat with cum.
That’s what I was now.
Hearing the clatter of a man cooking in his kitchen, I inhaled the scent of something delicious and found my body did not consider itself full enough. Hunger made itself known, my stomach grumbling something fierce.
But satisfying my body in that manner would have to wait.
With privacy enough to look over what had been done to me, what I willingly participated in, I let my touch linger over the swell of my stomach. The initial shock of such a metamorphosis didn’t upset me as it had the day before. Not now that I knew what to expect.
The skin of my belly was taut, yet it didn’t hurt when my fingers danced over it.
Even the pressure behind the plug felt… good?
Satisfying.
Natural.
Maybe even a touch perverse.
Perhaps some part of me might even appreciate what he could do with me. The animal side was quite content.
Shy to do it, but wanting to know, I let my fingers reach around my belly to the mound I could no longer see. My slit was a bit swollen, soft to the touch, and extremely sensitive. My breath caught with one swipe, surprising me that something so simple might curl my toes.
But the more human parts of me were… intrigued. Bearing down on that thick, waxy, plug left me gasping as if it were something else deep inside me. Little shockwaves warned me not to do it again, fluttering about that plug, simulating climax.
No… not simulating.
Sensitive as I was, I orgasmed.
Quietly as I could, gasping little sips of air to keep my unexpected pleasure silent. Hand pressed between my legs as if I could hold it in, make it stop.
A minute later, the waving cramp that churned all he left inside me settled. And I knew better than to try such internal explorations again.
Not unless I wanted to draw his attention and encourage more than I could handle.
I had to accept what he meticulously left there, carry it under my hearts, and leave the plug alone or my body would make me suffer pleasure I had not intended.
A true addiction indeed.
“What have I done?” I had asked explicitly to be treated in the exact way his filthy books described a female. Practically begged, because I knew it would feel better than being so sad.
And yes, he had enthusiastically given all I could physically want. But he also held me, spoke softly to me, kept me dazed enough that the heartbreak didn’t hurt so much, while also giving me an outlet to process how truly awful I felt.
Despite all the pleasure, I’d been wretched.
And despite sleep, I felt exhausted.
I felt drained. Understood just how easy it was to surrender total control to someone stronger, bitterly acknowledged there was something very freeing in knowing your mate might manipulate and coerce you but could never hurt you.
Even that night on his office floor had not amounted to so much as a bruise.
Not that I’d forgiven what he’d done.
But I had to set it aside.
I could not be angry about what I could not change and grieve the mother who didn’t love me.
I wasn’t strong enough for both.
And maybe he knew that. Maybe that was why he let me meet her as quickly as he did.
His battle had been easily won, and I was utterly destroyed.
On my knees, begging for him to make me feel safe. To make me feel wanted. To love me, even if he might not know how.
Even if I didn’t know how to receive it.
High as I was, he could have done anything to me, regardless of my sober consent.
And he had not abused his privilege.
Because his war was not yet over.
I did not love him in return.
Stretching my legs, I wiggled my toes, my naked skin soaking up the morning sun. Had I still been living at the academy, I would have already ran through morning drills and most likely been patrolling the farmlands at this hour.
How strange it was to sleep in. Not only that, but to have such a comfortable bed in such a beautiful room.
Clean, fresh air always available to me.
And food. I very much liked the food.
Speaking of which, hunger still gurgled above my sloshing belly.
Which, of course, a man like Cyderial prepared for. He made no secret of his doings in the kitchen, tempting me to rise from the bed and find him.
Waddling to the cabinet he procured my pink dress from the day before, I found a great deal of clothing prepared for me. Strangely, many of the outfits were cut to fit a fully plugged female body. But I did not have the mental capacity to think over such things.
And, maybe later, I would have some enthusiasm to look through the beautifully colored assortment of fabrics, but it was the robe I pulled my arms through then, tying the sash under my breasts.
It made a pretty bow atop the deep-blue velvet draping my new form.
I used the toilet, let the cleaning disk refresh my mouth, brushed my hair. Did all the things I imagined a lazy civilian might enjoy during a morning routine.
Knowing he would be intensely pleased seeing me this way—in the clothes of his choosing, my hair down—I wondered if that was why I pinched my sallow cheeks for a little color.
To be enjoyed, to be appreciated… even if it was by him.
Fully female, draped in soft, stretchy velvet, obviously a sexual being. No longer trapped in an ugly, ill-fitting uniform. No austere knot of hair at my nape.
The only kind of knot I would be forced to know from that point forward was the kind that came with exquisite pleasure and a full belly.
Three days and a broken heart—that was all it took for me to acknowledge that mating insanity had done its work.
Heaven help females everywhere.
There was really no outwitting what the men could do to us. I was already imagining what I hoped Cyderial might do to me later… because he was more creative than the basic techniques I found in his book.
But first, food.
Padding toward the sounds of cooking, I found him smiling as if he knew I would come right to him. Shirtless, wearing a pair of loose gray pants made of silky material, the outline of his massive cock was very obvious.
As I was staring, it began to pulsate a tempting hello.
If I was not corked full of wax and fluttering around the invasion, I would have salivated for it right then and there.
How much I changed in so little time.
“Good morning,” he said, pleasure thick in his voice.
I was right. Cyderial was very pleased to see me exactly as I had chosen to come. Bloated with his cum, pretty in his clothes, hair loose for his eyes only.
Purring, he gave me a stare that promised great reward, if only I would agree. “I would love to introduce you to my friends this evening.” His voice was full of trouble, my huge belly what he was clearly referring to. “How would you like to go out later, to a hybrid corner of the city?”
None of my trips into the city ended well, the idea of sheltering in the pretty house tempting the more cowardly parts of me. But that was not the only reason for my hesitation. He was looking pointedly at my belly for a reason.
Hand atop the protrusion, I cocked a brow. “You want me to go out like this? No! If I pop in front of someone other than you, I think I would die of embarrassment.” Lumbering atop a stool so I could watch him prepare my breakfast, I felt my face go red. “Doing that in front of just you is mortifying.”
Cocky, he leaned over the counter to press a kiss to my lips. “Before you know it, you’ll beg me to watch. There are things I can do to you only during those lovely occasions that will make you fall in love with me.”
Doubtful, but I also never would’ve thought I would exchange “normal” banter with this man, let alone beg him for sexual gratification when I was blue.
But I was not ready to consider that someday I might feel anything other than the cautious regard and real appreciation I had in that moment. “Wait. I have a question.”
“What’s on your mind?” Growly, he openly displayed his more carnal current thoughts with a lingering look.
I reached forward and stole a bit of fruit from the pastry he was preparing. Something pink I popped into my mouth and found to be quite good.
Wow! A life outside of cubed meat was very interesting.
Swallowing with a happy sigh, I asked, “Did you just say you have friends? People actually like you?”
Offering me another bite of fruit, if I would only open my lips and take it, he looked at me as if I were the greatest gift he might ever receive. “Could it be that maybe I’m lovable too?”
I took the sweet offering, biting his finger a bit too hard, this level of sober intimacy not something I was ready to entertain. “I might hate you a little less than I did. But that’s probably based on chemical brainwashing and a growing addiction to sex.”
He loved every last bit of pain, rubbing a thumb over my lips before he pulled away. “I don’t think you could be more perfect for me.”
When he said things that way, without the sexual undercurrent or the playful teasing, it always made me unsure how to respond.
It made me shy.
Cyderial believed every word he spoke. He really did believe we were some kind of divine union nature herself designed.
And I had no sardonic reply to that.
“So, as I was saying before you so cruelly insulted me, we should go out today. Humans are not allowed in hybrid-designated zones. No one will record you as they did yesterday. Nor will you be stared at.”
Wait just a moment.“What do you mean ‘recorded’?”
“Our conversation yesterday is all over the broadcasts, playing on repeat. Humans do these sorts of things; they are very invasive creatures. And, it seems you struck a chord with them.” He went back to chopping fruit as if this was no big, massively humiliating deal. “The government will pull it down soon, but it can’t be unseen.”
I must’ve sounded stupid, but I needed clarification. “Do you mean broadcasts, as in on a screen? My personal breakdown is on screens, and people are watching it?”
He nodded.
“Oh my God.” That was so unsettling.
Setting the knife down, he circled the counter so he might put his hands on me, which would lead to something I would either really like or be angry about. Nothing could ever be neutral when we were touching.
“Lorieyn, I knew they were recording, but you needed immediate attention. You can blame me if you want.”
As much as I’d love to blame him for everything in my life that had ever gone wrong, this one was not his fault. “Who films a crying stranger?”
“It wasn’t your intention nor mine, but it seems the human population is largely sympathetic to your suffering. Mothers of hybrids have come forward to speak about how much they love their children and hated having them taken away. Not many, but enough to make a point. You may have inadvertently helped develop human sympathy for our kind. A crying child is a powerful thing, even if that child is an adult. You may have even humanized me somewhat for allowing me to comfort you.”
Being mated to a general had garnered extra attention too; I was certain. Even my birthmother’s husband had eyes only for my mate. “Richard seemed pretty impressed by you. I thought you were already popular with the humans.”
“As a violent contender in the arena they could cheer for.” Tucking hair behind my ear, he said, “Their respect for me had nothing to do with my humanity but how much carnage I could rain down on a challenger. I’m a figure to them. Entertainment.” As if proud of me, as if he too might know a taste of shyness, his eyes grew soft. “Until yesterday, I’m not sure many ever considered me a person. Some are even saying a sweet hybrid girl has tamed the wild beast.”
Tamed? Not in the slightest.
I was the one with the addiction, and he was still as crazy as ever.
But maybe there was some good that could be found in this mess after all. I stole another bite of pink fruit, and asked, “Could human acknowledgment of the suffering of hybrid children be leveraged to help the kids at the academy? Would they still send them there to be drilled day and night? What about the little girls crying there? Most of the female recruits hate being soldiers. My friend Agnes wants to study biology at the human university. Could my crying on video help her do that? Should I talk to the humans?”
“No. I’m sorry, Lorieyn.” Careful of his words, he took his time articulating a denial. “If hybrids don’t have an obvious purpose—protecting humans from vorec—then we are superfluous in their eyes. Worse, we are a threat. Stronger, disease-proof, ageless, beautiful, smarter. Their species does not want to recognize they are already dead. Until our numbers are higher, we cannot risk our children’s safety.”
This kind of talk could lead to genocide, and I already knew Cyderial had a taste for such things. “Then what is it you have in mind? Torturing hybrid children in the academy is not exactly mercy.”
His hand came to my shoulder, rubbing where I had grown tense. Watching my every tic, he said, “We’ll have our chance to prove to the universe that we deserve to be here, even if we were not naturally created. But until our gene pool is large enough to be self-sustaining, we still need human women to bear us. We still need to suffer for them in exchange.”
“You make us sound like some kind of disease, eating away at the very humans I was raised to protect. Waiting them out until our numbers are high enough to make them obsolete.”
That clever touch moved to the nape of my neck, massaging fingers trilling along the bone. “Humans are the cancer on this world, just as they were back on Earth. We are the cure and the only means of survival on this planet. They will never be able to adapt. Were they wiser, every human female would birth only hybrid children who could care for her until her inevitable death from old age.”
I could not believe what I was hearing! Throwing off his touch, I let him see just how disgusted I was with his words. “The extremists are right. With talk like that, humans have every right to fear us!”
“I don’t support a human holocaust. Merely an inevitable transition.” All said as if my temper was expected, accepted, yet unsupportable. “Humans will breed themselves into starvation again. It is only a matter of time. Our video will cause an uptick in the popularity of carrying a hybrid baby. In that, it is a boon for our kind. We need genetic diversity to survive.”
“You’re talking about something that could be thousands of years away. What about today? What about Agnes? What about all the children you brainwash in the academy now?”
“Agnes will find a mate, and he will take care of her. He will suffer, so she doesn’t have to.”
Oh, he had sparked my temper. So much so that I was eyeballing the knife he used to prepare my breakfast. “Agnes doesn’t want a mate; she wants to study biology. I didn’t want a mate. I wanted the fog!”
My words, my rage, my snarls and booms, they did nothing but encourage the man to smile. A dark thing that made it clear he gained further ground in the battle between us.
Too late, I realized my slip. I said wanted the fog. Past tense.
“You are a terrible person, Cyderial.” And the idea of sinking my claws right into his eyes was very appealing. “Don’t play word games with me unless you’re ready to face the consequences of having to put me down, over and over, until my hearts grow so hard I will never be able to love you.”
“Someday, your craving for the fog will fade, and I will be at your side, taking care of you, challenging you, and keeping you happy in every possible way.”
He was trying to distract me from the very obvious consequences of my video with his underhanded tactics, and I wasn’t having it. “If my public meltdown encourages more humans to carry hybrid offspring, that would only mean there would be more children suffering in the academy. And it would ultimately be my fault. It’s in direct opposition to what I want for my friends.”
“You do not have the monopoly on loving our people. Remember that.” He dared run a finger down my jaw, admiring me like I was some work of art. “You already know there is only one immediate answer to the issue of how children are treated within the academy, don’t you, my love?”
Cocking an eyebrow, I gave him a harsh glare, and snarled, “Assignment as the weapons instructor to babies? Do you remember what those classes are like? What you’re ordering me to do to children I know and love?”
“Even a small change is an improvement, and they will forgive you when they grow up.” Said with such simplicity by a man who executed children right in front of me.
Forgive me when they grew up? My head fell into my hands, a weighty sigh warming the flesh of my palms. “I have terms, if you want me to even consider such a monstrosity. The older female recruits will be given education about mates and sex. No unmated female should ever be forced into a bond while blind to the reality of her situation. It’s wrong on every level, Cyderial. Hybrid men are hurting us just as much as the humans are. You must acknowledge that. It is wrong to raise us for your pleasure, leaving us to think we had any choice in the matter of who will claim us in the end.”
“I do not have the power to give you this.”
Then what use was he to me? Peeking through my fingers, I saw only my enemy—the general who plagued my days for a decade.
My hateful glower did not upset him in the slightest. He knew to expect it, to be gentle with me when I was agitated and aggressive. Calm, he did not insult me with a purr, though he did speak delicately. “If you want sex education for females, you must convince the friends I would introduce you to this evening. Show them it would be in their best interest to bond with knowledgeable mates they won’t have to frighten or force the first time. But know this—men who have not heard the song will be less amenable to your ideas. As of now, most generals have no reason to give you something that will not benefit them. Rape or not, they bond a mate regardless.”
“That is so sad.”
Stroking my cheek, Cyderial said, “I will support you, but it will risk my position as Director of the academy.”
The bite of fruit in my stomach turned sour.
“They bond a mate regardless?” My eyes fell to my swollen belly, ashamed of myself for allowing all I had. “And I am the perfect example of how quickly addicted females will succumb. Look at me. How many days has it even been? And I’m eating breakfast with you as if?—”
“Stop right there.” He flicked my chin up and made me meet his eyes. “You have a goal. Focus on progress. Don’t waste your time wallowing in whatever narrative is making you frown like that.”
But I was angry and possessed a comforting knack for rebellion. “I could just leak information on mating into the female dorm.”
“You can’t cheat on every test, sweetheart. Hints lead to rumor. Misinformation would spread to a detriment to all. Sometimes, you have to actually show the world what you’re made of. Take on the men. They don’t stand a chance against you.” He stole a kiss, his tongue tracing my lips for a quick taste of pink fruit. “And if you were wise, you would focus on General Thayer. He will give you whatever you want, if you support him in wooing Maeve.”