Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
“ C ome on, Kingswell,” Percy murmured, nudging him with an elbow as he slid a new hand of cards in Felix’s direction. “I have never seen you lose so many hands in one go. Are you trying to lose your fortune?”
London was not the escape Felix had hoped it would be, and after two long weeks, he was a mess.
He found himself once more at the gaming hell with a set of dice in his hands or a pack of cards on the table, but his heart was not in it like it used to be.
I have lost myself.
Felix sat at the edge of one of the tables, oblivious to the noise of cards, chips, and chatter. He held a glass of brandy in his hand, his expression distant as he absently played through another round.
The man across from him, a nameless and loud stranger, slapped down his cards with a gleeful shout, raking in the winnings with a smug grin.
Felix barely noticed and he cared even less.
“I am just having fun, Percy,” he said.
Percy snorted. “Then at least try to look as though you are enjoying yourself. If you want to convince us, that is.”
Felix let out a noncommittal grunt, his eyes fixed on the worn pattern of the cards turned supple from years of use.
How many hands of cards had he played tonight? Six? Twelve? It was impossible to keep count. He’d been sure this was the solution to everything; a return to the old ways, the old Felix, but it seemed that wouldn’t work any longer.
Percy sighed, setting down his cards. “If you were any further away, you would be in another country. What is going on? Do you wish to return to Kingswell?”
Felix forced a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and took a sip of his brandy. “Just a bad night, Percy. And no, I absolutely do not wish to return.”
“A bad night?” Percy scoffed, his eyes narrowing. “You have had a week of bad nights. No amount of brandy or cards has put that brooding expression to rest. And I cannot help but notice that you are getting worse each time we come here.”
Felix shot him a dark look, but Percy, undeterred, leaned closer. “You are acting like a man who has lost something priceless, Felix. Why keep denying it?”
Felix’s fingers tightened around his glass, his gaze drifting over the crowded room. He hated to admit it, but he could feel her absence everywhere: the softness of her laugh, the warmth of her smile, the way her eyes lit up when she thought he wasn’t looking.
“It is better this way,” he muttered, more to himself than to Percy. “She deserves more than I can give.”
Percy let out an exasperated sigh, crossing his arms. “More than what? More than a man who thinks of her every second he is not near her? More than someone who is properly miserable without her?” He gave Felix a pointed look. “If she is all you think about, then you know what you have to do. Go back.”
Felix glowered and ground his teeth at the thought. “And do what, Percy? Pretend I am someone that I am not? I am the same debauched man that I have always been. Eloise deserves someone better. Jeremy was right.”
“Better?” Percy scoffed, shaking his head. “Let me tell you something about better , Felix. There is no such thing as a perfect man, least of all in love. What she deserves is someone who genuinely cares for her and shows her every day how special she is to him, despite his own flaws and misgivings. I have never seen you care about anything or anyone the way you do about her.”
“Since when did you become so wise?” Felix muttered, not looking at him.
“I have always been wise,” Percy said with a shrug. “You have just never taken any notice.”
Felix fell silent as he played his hand, throwing any card into the center of the table without even looking at it. He knew Percy was right, but he felt equally certain that Jeremy was right. Jeremy’s scornful words replayed in his mind.
You will only break her heart.
He took another drink, the brandy burning as it ran down his throat. “It is too late,” he murmured, his voice hollow. “I left her. I made my choice.”
“Choices can be unmade,” Percy said quietly, his tone laced with a rare seriousness. “She deserves a man who will fight for her, who will be there for her always. And if that man is you, Felix, then it is time to stop running.”
Felix looked down at the cards in his hand, the once-familiar game lost to him. The shame of his own doubts and the thought of returning to Eloise and risking her rejection roiled in his stomach, but Percy’s words latched onto his mind, refusing to let go.
Without a word Felix stood, tossing the cards onto the table. Percy arched an eyebrow, watching him carefully.
“Leaving so soon?”
As he stepped into the cool night air, Felix inhaled deeply.
Maybe Percy was right and maybe he wasn’t. All Felix knew was that he had to get out of the gaming hell. He had to find some way to calm the gale in his mind.
He wandered through the busy London streets, watching people bustle about their business and gazing into shop windows when something caught his eye. He paused, allowing the events of the past few weeks to engulf him as he looked into the window of a softly lit shop.
He suddenly knew what he had to do and stepped through its doorway, the bell ringing overhead as he entered.
Later that evening, the door clicked shut behind Felix and the quiet of his London residence enveloped him. He moved through the darkened hall, his footsteps echoing against the cold marble floors. Even the servants had retired to bed.
The rooms were dimly lit, save for the glow of embers still crackling in the hearth, remnants of a fire that seemed to mock him with its faint warmth.
He loosened his cravat and shrugged off his tailcoat, tossing it carelessly over the back of a chair. He checked his trouser pockets for the precious thing he had bought that afternoon, wondering if he would ever have the courage to use it.
The deafening silence pressed in on him until he thought he could hear Eloise’s laughter weaving through it, her ghostly presence haunting him all the way from Kingswell Manor.
Felix closed his eyes for a moment to banish her from his mind, but the image only became clearer. Eloise, curled up with a book by the fire, her eyes alight with some hidden mischief as she turned the page. She had a way of making any room feel alive with a radiant energy that he had taken for granted until it was gone.
He swallowed, pushing back the ache in his throat as he shook his head.
With a sigh, he walked over to the sideboard where a crystal decanter half full of brandy awaited him. He poured a glass, watching the amber liquid swirl before he took a long, slow drink.
Eloise deserved so much more than his doubts and the mistakes he couldn’t seem to stop making.
He only wished he could find some way to remove her from his mind and erase her from his memories.
Setting his glass aside, Felix moved to the small writing desk by the window and pulled out a sheet of fine parchment. His fingers trembled as he picked up the quill, the ink pooling at its tip while he waited for inspiration to strike.
What could he write? What did he want to say?
Anything. Everything. Nothing.
My dearest Eloise, he began, the words looking foreign and stark against the blank page. His heart raced as his unspoken words begged to be put to paper.
What could he say that would make her understand the depths of his regret—the countless nights he had spent thinking of her, missing her, longing for just one more moment in her presence. Yet every time he tried to put his thoughts into words, they felt feeble and inadequate.
I miss you, he thought, but the words felt too simple. You deserve more than this was his next thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to write anything.
He set the quill down with a tired sigh and rubbed his hands over his face in desperation.
With bitter frustration, he crumpled the parchment in his hand and threw it onto the embers, watching as it was slowly consumed by the tiny flames that rose to greet it.
He idly brushed against the smooth band of his wedding ring. He paused, looking down at it. It was a simple, elegant piece that he had chosen himself when their wedding was nothing but a way to repay her debts.
It had meant nothing at the time, but now it felt like a lifeline, a connection to her. He turned it slowly, the gold glinting in the dim light, and felt the familiar longing and the ache of loss.
A thought crossed his mind—if he could just remove it, if he could shed this symbol of their union, then perhaps he could move forward, perhaps he could quiet the feelings that kept him bound to her.
But as he slid his fingers to the edge of the ring, he hesitated. Taking it off felt like a betrayal, like letting go of the only part of her he had left.
He couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Even now, miles away, Eloise was a part of him, ingrained in his every thought, his every breath.
Silence settled around him once more.
As the fire flickered low, casting shadows across the room, Felix realized that his emptiness would remain, lingering in the empty room of his soul, until he found the courage to face her again.
He wondered if he would ever truly be able to let her go.