Chapter 19
Tanner
The morning light was soft through the curtains, filtered by the stars still projecting across the ceiling. I'd forgotten to turn off the nightlight before falling asleep, but I didn't mind. Waking up to the gentle glow of galaxies swirling above me felt magical.
Simon was already awake beside me, propped up on one elbow and watching me with that expression that made my heart skip.
"Hey, bud," he said softly.
"Morning." I stretched, then immediately curled back into his warmth. "How long have you been awake?"
"Not long. I was just watching you sleep."
"That's not creepy at all," I teased.
He chuckled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Maybe a little. But you're cute when you sleep. You make these little contented sounds."
My cheeks heated. "I do not."
"You do. Like a kitten purring." He traced a finger down my nose. "It's adorable."
I buried my face in his chest, embarrassed but pleased. "You're making that up."
"I'm not, but I'll stop teasing." His hand came up to stroke my hair.
After our usual morning routine—which I was growing to love, the predictability of it, the way Simon always made sure I brushed my teeth and washed my face—we headed downstairs.
The house was quieter than usual. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, which meant there was no time to waste relaxing inside.
Harlan was in the kitchen as always, and he greeted us with knowing smiles and fresh coffee.
"Big day today," he said, flipping pancakes on the griddle.
"Is it?" I asked, sliding onto a stool.
"Everyone's trying to get their work done early so we can all enjoy tomorrow without worrying about animals freezing or fences breaking."
"Makes sense." I accepted the coffee Simon slid across to me—perfectly prepared, as always. "Is there anything I can help with?"
"Actually—" Harlan plated pancakes and set them in front of me. "There really isn’t anything for you to do. Everyone's got their tasks sorted, and you didn’t come here to work."
I wanted to protest, to insist I could help, but Simon's hand on my knee stopped me.
"Harlan's right, bud. Color, read, play. Whatever you want."
"But—"
"That's not a suggestion." Simon's voice dropped into that firm Daddy tone. "You're going to spend today doing things that make you happy again. Understood?"
"Yes, Daddy," I said quietly.
After breakfast, Simon headed out to help with the day's work, and I found myself at loose ends. A whole day to myself. What did I even want to do? I’d already been resting a whole bunch. Any more rest and I’d lose it.
I deliberated for a few minutes, then decided to start by making the bed and tidying the room a bit. As I smoothed out the comforter, I noticed something under my pillow.
Another package.
My heart leapt. How had I missed it? I must have been too focused on Simon to notice it sitting there.
This package was bigger than the others, a good-sized box wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine. My hands shook slightly as I untied the string and carefully removed the wrapping.
Inside was… everything.
The box was divided into sections, each one holding something that made my breath catch.
A pacifier—adult-sized, in a soft gray color that matched my elephant pajamas. It came with a clip attached, and just seeing it made me smile. I'd wanted one of these for years but had never been brave enough to buy it.
Baby lotion and powder—the gentle kind that smelled like comfort and safety. I unscrewed the cap on the lotion and inhaled deeply, feeling myself slip a little smaller just from the scent.
The softest pair of socks I'd ever felt—thick and fuzzy, with little elephants on them. Of course they had elephants.
A sippy cup that matched the one I already had, but this one was in a different color—sage green with little stars.
Coloring books—new ones, different from what I already had. These were specifically designed for littles, with simpler images and thicker lines.
Crayons—the big, chunky kind that were easier to hold when you were feeling small. They came in a box decorated with animals.
A small blanket, baby-soft and perfect for carrying around. It was pale blue with white clouds.
And at the bottom, carefully wrapped in tissue paper, was a onesie. Adult-sized, in soft cotton, with—I nearly sobbed—elephants on it.
My hands trembled as I pulled out the note:
Everything a good boy needs. You don't have to hide these things away or feel ashamed of wanting them. Being little is a gift, and you deserve to embrace it fully. Use these whenever you need to feel small and safe.
I sat on the edge of the bed, surrounded by items that represented parts of me I'd kept hidden for so long, and let myself cry.
My Secret Santa understood.
I picked up the pacifier, studying it. The weight of it in my hand felt right. Like it belonged there. But the thought of actually using it, of being that vulnerable…
You don't have to hide, the note had said.
Maybe I didn't. Not here. Not in this room where I was safe.
Slowly, carefully, I brought the pacifier to my lips and slipped it in my mouth.
The effect was immediate. My shoulders dropped. My breathing slowed. Everything that had been tight and anxious in my chest just… released.
I pulled Peanut into my lap and held him close, the pacifier bobbing gently as I rocked slightly. This was what I'd needed. What I'd been missing.
I don't know how long I sat there, just being small and letting myself feel safe. But eventually, I heard footsteps on the stairs and quickly pulled the pacifier out, my heart racing.
"Tanner?" Sean's voice called. "You up here?"
"Yeah," I called back, shoving the pacifier under my pillow. "Come in."
Sean pushed open the door, then stopped short when he saw the box and all its contents spread across the bed.
"Oh my gosh," he breathed, coming closer. "Your Secret Santa is amazing."
"They really are." I touched the onesie gently. "I've never had things like this before. I always wanted them, but I never…"
"Never let yourself have them," Sean finished. He sat beside me on the bed. "I get it. It took me forever to accept that it was okay to want little things. That being small wasn't something to be ashamed of."
"How did you get past it?"
"Daddy." Sean smiled softly. "He made me feel safe enough to be vulnerable. To let myself be little without worrying about judgment." He picked up one of the coloring books. "Looks like your Secret Santa wants to do the same for you."
"I think they already have," I admitted. "Every gift has been so thoughtful. So perfectly chosen. It's like they can see inside my head."
"Or it could be they just see you. The real you." Sean set the coloring book down. "You going to try any of this stuff?"
I bit my lip. "I already tried the pacifier."
"And?"
"And it was perfect. It felt… right." I pulled it back out from under the pillow. "Is that weird?"
"Not even a little bit. That's what these things are for—to help you feel comfortable in your regression." Sean reached into the box and pulled out the elephant socks. "Put these on. Trust me, fuzzy socks make everything better."
I laughed and pulled them on. He was right—they did make everything better.
We spent the rest of the morning exploring the contents of the box.
Sean showed me how to use the pacifier clip, attaching it to my shirt so I wouldn't lose it.
We tried the baby powder, which made a wee bit of a mess.
We organized the crayons by color and tested them out on one of the new coloring books.
"You should wear the onesie tonight," Sean suggested. "We're all getting together tomorrow evening for little time after presents and everything, but you could break it in tonight. Get comfortable with it."
"Maybe," I said, though the idea made me nervous and excited in equal measure.
By lunch time, I felt excitement brewing at the thought of getting to be little. With this latest gift, I'd been given permission to be myself, fully and completely.
Simon found me in the reading chair, wrapped in my new cloud blanket and coloring with my chunky crayons. Peanut sat beside me, and my new sippy cup—filled with apple juice—was within easy reach.
"Hey, bud," he said softly, and I looked up to find him watching me with such tenderness it made my chest ache.
"Hi, Daddy." The words came out naturally, like they belonged.
He came over and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "You look cozy."
"I am. My Secret Santa gave me all this." I gestured to the items scattered around. "Everything a good boy needs."
"They certainly did." He ran his hand through my hair. "You going to use them?"
"I already am." I held up my sippy cup proudly.
"Good. That's real good, bud."
The next morning—Christmas Eve—dawned bright and cold.
"What time is it?"
"Early. But I need to get out there and help finish up the last of the work before the holiday." Daddy pressed a kiss to my temple. "You stay here and rest. I'll come get you when it's time."
"Time for what?"
"You'll see." His smile was mysterious.
After he left, I dozed for a bit longer, then finally dragged myself out of bed. I settled in with my coloring books instead of trying to be big and helpful. I had no doubt the others wouldn’t let me.
I'd brought Peanut downstairs with me, along with my new cloud blanket, and I was feeling small and content. It was exactly where I wanted to be.
Around mid-morning, I decided to switch to a different coloring book—one of my original ones with the more intricate designs. As I flipped through to find a page I hadn't done yet, something fell out.
A note.
My heart sped up as I picked it up. It was in the same handwriting as all the other Secret Santa notes, but this one was different. Simpler.
Christmas Eve evening, 6 PM. Main house living room. Wear something comfortable that makes you feel little. This is your final gift—and it's one I hope you'll treasure forever.
Christmas Eve evening? That was… tonight.