Chapter 18
I fucked up. I let my intrusive thoughts get the best of me and expressed them out loud.
Once they spilled out of my mouth, my pride forced me to stand on what I’d said.
I was lucky Rowdy didn’t leave my ass at Kustomize Your Kicks, but that was exactly what I thought he was about to do when he got up and walked out.
The ride to my apartment felt like an hour long, even though it was only twenty minutes, and I think I held my breath the entire ride. Once inside my place, I slipped off my shoes near the door and went straight to my bedroom.
“I’m about to shower before we talk,” I said.
“Nah. Let’s talk before you shower. You’re just prolonging the inevitable.”
I sighed and turned around. He was right, so I went to the couch and sat on one end while he sat in the middle.
“I’m not gon’ bite your ass. You can come closer.”
I moved closer to him. “Is this better?”
“Yeah, but I want us to face each other while we have this conversation.”
I turned to face him, tucking one of my legs underneath me.
“Can I start?” I asked.
“Nah, I think you’ve said enough. I want you to listen.”
“Okay.”
“That shit you said pissed me off, but it fucked with my feelings even more.”
“I’m so—”
“I’m not looking for an apology because I’m pretty sure you meant that shit.
I want you to listen.” She nodded. “I’m gon’ fuck up, and so are you, because neither of us is perfect.
If I’d said the same shit to you, I know damn well we wouldn’t be here right now because you would’ve sent my ass packing.
After you ghosted me, I thought we were on the same page, moving in the same direction, but that’s not possible if you’re waiting for me to fuck up. ”
“Can I talk now?”
“Nah. I’m not done.”
“There’s only been one other woman I’ve given my heart to so freely, and she mishandled my shit like a muthafucka.
Would you want me to hold her actions against you?
” I shook my head. “Then give me the same respect. I can’t change the negative experiences you’ve had with other niggas, but you need to separate me from them. Are we clear?”
“Yes, Rowdy. We’re clear. Can I talk now?”
“You got it, but don’t apologize if you meant what you said.”
“But . . . I am sorry. I’m sorry I expressed my feelings of uncertainty about our relationship in such a callous way. I could’ve communicated my feelings better, and I didn’t mean to piss you off or hurt your feelings. I was wrong, and I don’t know what else to say.”
“If that’s your truth, nothing else needs to be said.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
He chuckled. “Breaking up with you? That sounds juvenile as hell. No, I’m not breaking up with you, but I need to know we want the same shit from this.”
“What do you want?” I asked, curious.
“Nah. You were praying for my downfall, so you tell me what you want.”
“I wasn’t praying for your downfall. I was being cautious with my feelings.”
“Is that why you make me stay at home a few nights a week?”
“Huh?” I played dumb, knowing damn well I knew what he was talking about.
“We’ll be going strong for days at a time, and suddenly, you’ll hit me with, ‘You can stay home tonight. I’m going to bed early.’”
“What does that have to do with anything? I have a demanding job and sometimes I’m tired.”
“We both have demanding jobs, but my levels of exhaustion don’t take away from me wanting to lay up under your ass. I get the best sleep when you’re next to me. Be honest. You push me away whenever you feel yourself falling.”
“Falling? What are you talking about?”
“Falling in love with me.”
“Tuh.” I looked away from him because he would see the truth in my eyes. “It’s only been a few months.”
“Look at me, Noe. Look at me and tell me you’re not falling in love with me.”
“I just met you. There’s no—”
“You gon’ piss me off and hurt my feelings twice in one day, baby?”
“Rowdy, I—”
“Are you trying to tell me I’m in this alone?”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess I gotta say it, so you know it’s real.
Time waits for no one, and neither does love.
I knew you were special from the moment we met.
The pull you had on me wasn’t something I was used to, but I chose not to fight it.
When you ghosted me, I had to talk myself out of forcing myself into your space.
Years ago, I vowed never to give another woman my heart, not knowing you would come along and snatch it right out of my chest, and I wouldn’t put up a fight. I’m in love with you, Noelani.”
A man had never spoken so freely to me about his feelings for me, and the fact that Rowdy had done so, and with ease, had me in tears. He cupped my face, wiping my tears with his thumbs as they fell.
“That was the sweetest thing any man has ever said to me.”
“Is that why you’re crying?”
“Yes, and I feel bad because I do push you away when my feelings for you become overwhelming. Things between us work so well, and sometimes I think it’s too good to be true.”
“My intention is never to hurt you, baby. Shit happens, but I want us to work.”
“I do too. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for ruining our date night. I’m sorry I pissed you off and hurt your feelings.”
He continued to cup my face as I spoke and leaned in to kiss me. It was a soft peck, and when he pulled away, his lips were barely an inch from mine.
“I love you.”
“I . . . I love you too.”
This time, when he kissed me, he put his all into it, pressing my back against the couch and adjusting himself between my open legs. He wore a pair of linen joggers, and I could feel his erection through my cotton skirt, under which I wasn’t wearing panties.
Our kiss became more passionate and intense with each passing second. He slipped his hand underneath my T-shirt and bra, using his thumb to play with my nipple. It felt amazing as he ground up, down, and around. My panties became soaked within minutes.
Eventually, my skirt ended up around my waist, and I felt Rowdy’s fingers brush against my pussy. For the first time in several minutes, our mouths disconnected.
“You wet as fuck, baby.”
He lifted his body slightly, fumbling with his joggers. Seconds later, the head of his dick penetrated my slippery entrance. We moaned simultaneously as I adjusted to his size. His strokes were slow and deep, and something felt amazingly different.
I didn’t give it much thought, assuming our connection had deepened because we’d just confessed our love for each other. He pushed my shirt and bra up to my neck, and I cupped my breasts, making it easier for them to reach his mouth.
“Oh my God. Shit, baby. Lick it,” I urged, referring to my nipple.
The sensations went straight to my pussy, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, tightening them and urging him to go deeper. He did, and seconds later, my pussy quaked around his dick, milking his nut while my nectar drowned him.
It wasn’t until then that I realized he wasn’t wearing a condom.
For about two seconds, I panicked, but quickly got it together, remembering I could get a Plan B in the morning.
I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head as Rowdy carried me to my bedroom.
Before we fell asleep, sweaty and sticky in each other’s arms, I let him fill me with his seeds over and over and over again.