15. Jolie
JOLIE
It’s been a long day.
It should have been a triumphant day. My article was published!
But it’s felt long and stressful because I’ve been obsessing over what Ben thought of the article, what his teammates thought of it, if I’ll ever get published again, and if I even want to because I still feel awkward around Kieran.
I forced myself to the morning meeting and hunched over my pad, scribbling what looked to be notes but was basically garbage because I couldn’t focus.
You know what I really feel like doing?
I want to hide away in my room and binge-watch Bridgerton. I’m actually really getting into the show, caught up in the lives of the characters and rooting for them to find true romance. A love match.
As much as it feels like an impossible dream, I want to find a love match too one day.
I think if I did, then maybe I wouldn’t mind sex again.
It’s not just the physical act, it’s the emotional connection. At least that’s what I seem to be picking up from the romance novels I’m reading and this wonderful Bridgerton-fest.
But how do I find a love match?
I’ve never met someone who likes me as much as I like them.
And I know I’m only eighteen—nearly nineteen—and I still have my whole life ahead of me, but I feel so behind everyone else.
Caroline has found her match. They even own a puppy together! Fezzik is the cutest, and they treat him like their baby. It’s adorable and heart-wrenching all at the same time, because I’d love a man to care about me enough to buy me a puppy.
All of Caroline’s friends have boyfriends.
And one of my friends from high school just got engaged.
I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised since they’ve been dating since sophomore year. And I know it’s not uncommon to get engaged straight after high school, but I’ve always thought it was so young, you know?
It made me feel like the odd one out to be thinking that way, but I couldn’t help it. None of us had experienced life outside the bubble. And now that she’s getting married, she probably never will.
But I guess life outside the bubble isn’t that grand. What do I know, right?
If anything, branching away from my friends, going to a different college, and wanting to put myself into the big bad world has been nothing but overwhelming and kind of terrifying.
But I bet having a special someone to experience it with would make it less so.
In fact, I’m starting to wonder the same thing about sex. Maybe that’s why my parents and teachers always made sex outside of marriage this totally taboo thing. Because sex and love are supposed to go together.
Or at least sex and trust.
Maybe I did just have one bad experience, and I shouldn’t let that taint me for the rest of my life.
But how do you find that person you can trust?
I don’t have any male friends. I never have.
I’ve spent my life hanging out with groups of girls.
We’d giggle over boys, and sometimes one or two of them would have a boyfriend, but never me.
The guys at my school didn’t really hang with my group.
And the guys I liked definitely avoided us.
We were way too dorky and giggly for them.
My phone buzzes with a text and I dig it out of my bag, opening the message from my dad.
Dad: Just checking in. Praying that you’re having a truly wonderful day, Sunshine. Love you so much.
I smile at my father’s sweet words and send back a heart emoji, then figure he probably wants more, so I quickly make something up.
Me: Day is going great. The sun is shining, which always makes me happy, and all my classes have gone well.
Dad: That’s wonderful to hear. And the article? How is that being received?
My stomach twists and I bite my lower lip as I slowly type, then delete, then retype until I end up with…
Me: Good, I think. I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to any of the basketball team yet. I hope they like it. I tried my best to make them look really good.
Dad: You did a great job. It’s a fantastic article, and I’m sure they love it. Just wait and see. They’ll reach out and thank you soon enough. Love you.
Me: Love you too, Dad.
I close out of that thread and pause to stare at the text I got from Ben yesterday morning.
I haven’t responded yet because I don’t know what to say.
I was kind of hoping I’d never have to talk to him again after our completely embarrassing conversation.
Though I have been obsessing over what he thought of the article.
I just don’t want to get locked into another humiliating discussion with him.
I think I’d rather die than have to talk about sex with the guy again. Although, I should really thank him for putting me on to Bridgerton. Or at least telling me I could watch it without getting permission first.
I felt like such an idiot when he said that.
But he obviously grew up in a very liberal family where he could do whatever he wanted, when he wanted, and didn’t have parents or teachers or pastors or youth leaders hanging over him to make sure he was living the good life he should be living.
Biting my lips together, I stare at his words until they start to blur.
Ben: How are you? Just checking in. Hope you had a good weekend.
Nothing about the article, just a simple check-in. It’s sweet and all, but how do I respond? Why can’t I just send back the same fluff I sent my father? I don’t know. Is it because I think Ben will see right through it if I try that?
It’s just a text. Stop being so afraid of it. It’s not like you’re having to look the guy in the eye and talk to him!
“Jolie!” I jolt at the sound of my name, glancing over my shoulder and feeling my stomach drop.
Oh no. He’s walking right toward me!
As much as I want to bolt, I turn to watch the tall basketball player lope across the grass. He has such long strides, and I like the way his brown hair bobs as he picks up his pace into a slow jog.
He quickly erases the space between us, and now he’s standing right in front of me, towering over me all tall and strong with his beautiful jawline and gentle smile.
“Hey,” he greets me, and I gaze up at that sweet face while dropping my phone into my bag. I’m going to have to apologize for not responding to his text at some point. “How are you?”
His voice is tender, like he’s coaxing a frightened kitten out of a corner.
I clear my throat and squint against the sun that’s just above his shoulder. He shifts so I can see better.
He’s so incredibly sweet. It makes my insides flutter, but I seriously don’t want fluttering around a man who knows way too much about me already. Well, way too much embarrassing stuff about me.
“Hi, Ben.” I force a smile. “I’m good.” My head starts bobbing as nerves scatter through me.
Have you seen the article? Did you like it? Put me out of my misery already! But don’t ask me about the other stuff. Let’s just keep this light and fluffy.
“I read your article.”
My head pops up, and it’s impossible to hide my desperation. “What’d you think?”
His smile grows. “It was really good. And the guys liked it too.”
“Really?” My voice pitches. “Are you serious? They don’t hate me anymore?”
He chuckles. “They never hated you. They just didn’t want to talk to you. But they were all super impressed with what you wrote, so… on behalf of the Nolan U basketball team… thank you, Jolie Carmichael.”
I can feel my cheeks getting all warm as I smile up at him. “You’re welcome. I didn’t write anything that wasn’t true, and you made it easy with your awesome answers.”
His pale brown eyes warm with another smile as his lips twitch.
And suddenly I’m feeling studied, like I’m a piece of art at a museum and he’s trying to interpret the deeper meaning.
Yeah, I’m so not up for this kind of scrutiny right now.
Tucking my hair behind my ears, I force another smile, then say, “Okay, well—” at the exact same time he says, “Can I take you out to say thank you?”
The rest of my sentence drops off the edge of a cliff when I realize what he just said.
He wants to what?
“We’ll go somewhere better than Marty’s. I’ll buy you a strawberry milkshake from the best place in town. It’s called Eat Your Faves. Have you been there yet?”
I shake my head, still too surprised to form words.
He wants to take me out for a milkshake?
At Eat Your Faves? One of the most popular diners in town?
I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t actually been there yet.
“Perfect.” Ben grins. “I’ll get to be the guy to introduce you to the best milkshake you’ve ever had. Are you free right now? I’ve got about an hour before my basketball practice.”
“Oh. Are you…?” I blink and tuck my hair behind my ear again. “Are you sure?”
What are you doing? Just say no!
I can’t. It’d be impolite!
“Of course I’m sure. And it’s my treat.” He grins and tips his head. “Come on.”
I fall into step beside him, and he starts telling me about his day.
He’s so easy and warm, his voice a sweet balm to my raw nerves as he describes one of his classes and how fascinating he finds it.
There’s no tension today. He’s unguarded, obviously not worried about what I might write.
He trusts me now. I proved myself, and maybe that’s why I’m starting to relax.
When we get to the diner and he opens the door for me, then advises me on what I should order, I start to wonder if maybe I trust him too.
Or at least maybe trust could build between us.
He doesn’t seem to mind that I’m a dorky little freshman.
He’s treating me like a friend.
Wow. Maybe he could be my first male friend.
Maybe he could be more?
No! Don’t you dare go there and ruin it. You’re friends. That’s it.
Besides, he’d never fall for the likes of me, and I’m not about to get swept up like I did last week. Just because he’s being kind doesn’t mean he’s going to fall in love with me.
I will my insides to calm down and just accept what this is: Two young adults sliding into a diner booth and talking about their days.
Just the way I’d do with my girlfriends.
Ben just happens to be a guy. That’s the only difference.
You know that’s not true.
Just shut up and treat him like a friend already. Stop overthinking this and just be in the moment.
Sucking in a big, internal breath that he hopefully won’t notice, I tuck my hands under my legs and try to act like a normal person.
I wish it wasn’t so hard to do.