16. Ben
BEN
Jolie’s slowly starting to relax.
It’s taken maximum effort to get her there.
She was a deer in headlights when she first saw me jogging toward her on campus, but now she’s smiling at me like she means it.
She even laughed at my story before. I told her how my sisters used to dress me up like a doll and we’d do fashion shows for my parents.
She thought that was super cute, and I enjoyed her giggle.
We’ve been here for over half an hour now, and she’s had most of her milkshake and we’ve nearly finished the slice of cherry pie we’re sharing. I’m letting her have most of it. I’m not supposed to be filling my body with fatty, sugary shit like this anyway. But damn, it tastes good.
I have one more mouthful, then nudge the plate toward her. “You can finish it.”
“You sure?” She wipes a crumb off her bottom lip.
“Yeah, the crust is the best part.”
“Errr.” She makes a buzzer sound. “Wrong. The cherries are the best.”
She stabs her fork into one and gives it a little sniff before popping it into her mouth with a cute smile.
It’s been fun hanging out with her this afternoon. We’ve talked about a few different things. I’ve told her about my family, she told me how happy she is that I loved the article, and we’ve both danced around the topic I really want to ask.
It’s none of my business, but I want to check in on how she’s feeling after her disastrous date. But how do I raise it without killing this playful mood between us?
Just say it. Just ask!
Straightforward and honest, you know that’s the best way.
“Hey, Jolie.” I shift in my seat, resting my forearms on the table and leaning in a little closer to her.
“Yeah?” She finishes her mouthful, then uses her index finger to catch the last few crumbs on the plate.
“I wanted to check in on the other stuff too. See how you’re feeling after our…” I clear my throat. “After our last conversation. You doing okay?”
“Oh.” Her eyes bulge for a second and she lets out this awkward laugh, staring down at the empty plate like maybe she can jump into it and it’ll swallow her or something.
Her squirming discomfort makes me feel bad and I lean away, brushing my fingers across the table and shaking my head.
“Sorry. You don’t have to answer. I just want to make sure you’re all right.
You were pretty upset last time, and I hate the idea of this haunting you.
Just want to make sure you’re okay,” I reiterate.
“Yeah, I’m…” She pauses, glancing at me and thankfully swallowing down her fine or great or whatever bullshit she was about to lay on me.
Instead, she sighs, then softly says, “I’m doing okay.
I’ve thought a lot about what you told me, and I…
” She glances around like she’s checking for eavesdroppers, then leans across the table to whisper. “I tried… touching myself.”
I raise my eyebrows, silently asking how it went.
“It didn’t work.” She shakes her head, her cute little nose wrinkling. “I actually did some research, and not every woman can… you know… climax or whatever, and maybe I’m just one of them.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal, but I can sense her disappointment or frustration, maybe?
Or maybe she’s coming to some bullshit conclusion that there’s something wrong with her. I want to tell her that she just needs to find a guy who is kind enough and patient enough to help her reach that high. I want to assure her that she’s capable of achieving this.
But she starts talking before I can say anything.
“I have started watching Bridgerton, though.” A smile flashes across her face.
“And I’m really enjoying it. I’ve also started diving into romance novels too, and boy, are those addictive.
I’m seriously not getting enough sleep these days.
How are you supposed to put the book down when you desperately have to know what’s going to happen? ”
I nod with a smile, loving the way her energy has shifted. She’s enjoying this new exploration, and I’m happy for her.
“What season are you up to in Bridgerton?”
“I’m halfway through Season 3. Colin’s just found out that Penelope is La—” She slaps a hand over her mouth, then winces. “Sorry, spoiler.”
I laugh, then have to admit, “I’ve seen them all.”
“Really?” She lets out a soft laugh. “I realized, like, two seconds after my spoiler faux pas that it probably didn’t matter and you probably had no idea who Colin and Penelope even were, but then I remembered you saying you watched some with your sisters, but I didn’t think you’d seen it all.”
I nod, trying to play it off like a major burden. “My sisters decided it would be a fun thing to do as siblings, so anytime we’re all home together, we have to binge-watch it.” I roll my eyes, and she starts to giggle.
“How does that feel? Watching that with your sisters right beside you?”
My lips twitch and all I can do is shrug, because I can’t go admitting how much I love the show. How invested I am in each of the characters and how I’ve internally cheered each time they get their happily ever afters.
Jolie runs her long, skinny finger down the edge of the milkshake glass.
“You know, it is making me realize that sex doesn’t have to be this completely terrifying, painful thing.
” Her expression scrunches. “I mean, I know it’s TV and it’s fiction and stuff, but they really make it seem like this…
privilege rather than a painful burden.” Her gray gaze lands on me, so open, so vulnerable.
I smile at her. “It is a privilege. And it shouldn’t be painful or a burden. Ever. It’s this awesome, wonderful thing. It should be fun, and you should love it so much that you want to do it, over and over again. It’s definitely not something you should be afraid of.”
She nods, like she’s soaking in my words, then swallows, her eyes trained back on the glass.
“I think I just need to find someone who can show me what to do, you know? Someone I can trust. Someone who makes me feel relaxed enough to give them that piece of myself. Someone who’s kind and patient and…
” Her voice trails off, her fingers going still before her eyes dart to mine.
I gaze back at her, my forehead wrinkling.
What is she thinking right now?
Why is she—
“Would you do it?” she whispers, looking like she’s just come up with the best idea but is also kind of freaked out that she just asked that.
My eyebrows dip together. “What do you mean?”
“Would you… show me? Like…” She leans in close and whispers, “Show me how to figure this all out?”
“Show you?” I’m starting to get what she’s saying, but my brain’s not willing to compute it fully yet.
This is weird.
Is she seriously asking me to… sleep with her?
Her expression crumples, and she tucks her hair behind both ears.
It’s like a twitchy little habit, and she does it again just to prove my point.
“It’s probably a dumb idea. I mean, it just popped into my head right now, and I shouldn’t have said it.
” Her voice picks up, her nervous energy palpable as the words quickly tumble out of her.
“I’m not trying to force you to sleep with me or anything, but you just seem to know a lot about this stuff and you’re very pro orgasms, which means you’ve no doubt had many of them, and I’m guessing you’ve given girls them as well.
You’re nice, you know? You’re kind. It’s so obvious that you’re kind.
And if I’m ever going to attempt this with anyone, I want to be more prepared next time.
Maybe if you showed me… tutored me?… on what to do and how it all feels, then I’ll be more prepared next time. You know?”
She finally stops talking, and now her expectant gaze is on me. Two laser beams of hope that make me want to squirm in my seat.
“I…” Running a hand through my hair, I look across the diner for a second. It’s safer somehow. “Um… I—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jolie cuts me off, then slumps back in her seat with a soft sigh. “You’ve probably got a girlfriend already, right? A guy like you is way too nice not to have one, and why would you want to show me how it all works? Why would you want to sleep with me?”
“I wouldn’t have to sleep with you to give you an orgasm.” The words pop out before I can stop them. “And I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“You don’t?” Her surprise is kind of endearing, especially when she clarifies, “You don’t have to actually… you know… to make me feel… well, you know?” Her cheeks flood with color, and I can’t help a soft laugh.
She’s kind of cute when she gets all flustered and embarrassed this way.
She’s not cute, and would you shut this shit down already? You do realize what she’s asking you to do, right?
Despite those warnings, I rest my arms on the table and lean in a little closer.
“People can give each other highs just through touch. I mean, for what you’re wanting, a guy wouldn’t even have to take his clothes off.
Or your clothes really, unless you wanted him to.
” I suddenly cringe, wondering why the hell I’m continuing this conversation.
So end it, then!
Clearing my throat, I shift in my seat. “I’m sure you can find a guy to help you do that.”
“But not you.” Her lips dip into a frown.
And I’m forced to shake my head. I did say no girls this year, didn’t I?
But this isn’t you falling for a girl. This is you tutoring her so she can go out into the world with a little confidence.
I blink, wondering why my brain has suddenly switched to the other side of the argument. Didn’t I just tell myself to shut this shit down?
What the hell!
“That’s okay. I understand.” Jolie puffs out her cheeks, then blows out her breath.
“I’ll just… I mean, I can probably… Someone might come along who can help me.
Or just… I shouldn’t be doing this anyway.
” Slumping back in her seat, she lets out this awkward laugh.
“I shouldn’t be doing this. Sex isn’t something you experiment with, right?
I shouldn’t even want to experience an orgasm. It’s not right. It’s—”
“Jolie, stop.” I raise my hand and quiet her with a gentle smile. “You have every right to want this, and you shouldn’t feel bad. I just…”
And words suddenly fail me, because I don’t want to tell her that I’ve written off women because they keep hurting me.
It sounds so pathetic.
And it’s not like she’s out to do that to me.
She just wants my help. She wants me to teach her how to make her body sing. She’s not asking me to fall for her or become her boyfriend. And it’s not like I’m super attracted to her.
This would be a purely transactional thing, so I can’t even get hurt.
But she could.
I mean, if I don’t help her, then she could, because she might go to someone else with this request. Some asshole who will take advantage of this opportunity and not take care of her.
Shit, if I don’t say yes, she could get really hurt. For that reason alone, I should be agreeing to this absurd proposal.
“You know, I’ve heard that… Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but what if I…
hired someone? To… you know? Show me?” She pauses, and all I can do is look at her.
She looks back, then starts shaking her head, her nose wrinkling.
“No, ew, that’s so wrong, right?” She huffs and shakes her head.
“I should just do it the way I’ve been told—wait until my wedding night and figure this out with my new husband.
But…” She slumps with a sigh. “I don’t know.
I don’t even know if I’ll ever find someone who can love me with all of my quirks and weirdo ways.
” Her expression crumples. “You’ve probably noticed this already, but I’m not exactly cool. ”
My lips twitch.
“I’m not the girl the guys go after, you know?
It could take forever for me to find the one, and…
I…” She rubs her forehead, getting all flustered.
“It’d just be nice to go into my next encounter—if I ever get one again—not feeling completely out of my depth.
Because if I do ever get married, I can’t exactly say to my husband, ‘By the way, we’ll never be having sex because I don’t like it.
’ That’ll crush the poor man, right? I mean…
right? I want to be prepared for my wedding night. Is that so bad?”
I give her a pained smile and shake my head, because it’s not bad.
Her expression crumples all over again. Blowing out a breath, she looks all things hopeless, and I suddenly can’t stop myself.
“I’ll help you.”
What?
What the actual fuck did you just say?
She pings up straight, her bright eyes large with disbelief until I nod.
What?
Why are you nodding? Stop nodding!
But there my head goes, up and down, up and down, like I have zero control over it.
“You sure?”
I nod again.
Seriously, dude. Stop!
“That’s amazing. Thank you.” She reaches out and touches my hand, her long fingers skimming over mine for a brief moment before she’s diving into her bag and pulling out a pen and notepad.
“When? Where? Oh my gosh, this is so weird, right? Are you sure you don’t mind?
” She doesn’t even give me a chance before she continues talking—this ball of nervous excitement.
“We’ll have to swear to secrecy. Should I write up a contract that we both sign?
Like some kind of nondisclosure agreement?
Or is that too formal? I don’t want to lock you into anything.
Let’s just call them tutoring sessions. If anyone asks, I’ll tell them you’re my tutor.
But I won’t pay you, because then that will feel like you’re my escort or something.
Is that okay? I can pay you if you really want me to.
I mean, you’ll be doing me this huge favor and—”
“Jolie.” I gently put a stop to her fast-paced rambling. “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone, and you are definitely not paying me. I’ll just show you a few things so that when you decide you’re ready to date someone or whatever, you’ll know what to expect.”
Still feels weird, even when you word it like it makes sense.
She nods.
“I’ll find somewhere private we can meet up.”
She nods again, gripping her pen before starting to nibble the end of it.
“I’ll text you, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Any particular day and time suit you better?”
“I’m pretty available. I can even do tomorrow night if you’re free.”
“Tomorrow?” Seems soon, but maybe it’s better that we just get this out of the way. Now that I’ve agreed to it, I feel like I can’t go back on my word.
But…
“If you change your mind at any point tonight or tomorrow…” I make sure she’s looking at me. “If you want to bail, there’s no judgment here. Everything about this needs to be zero pressure for you.”
Her eyes light up like I’ve just said the sweetest thing in the world, and then they start to gleam with determination. “I won’t bail.”