17. Jolie
JOLIE
I said I wouldn’t bail, so I’m not going to bail.
Even though this is the weirdest thing ever.
It’s not like sex lessons are a common thing. In fact, I’ve never even heard of them. And why would I have?
Normal people don’t need them.
Normal people figure it out on their own.
But no, I’ve decided that forcing some sweet, kindhearted guy into showing me the most intimate thing ever is a great idea.
It’s not a great idea. Bail! Bail now!
But I can’t.
I won’t.
I kind of don’t want to.
Waiting for him to text me a time and location is kind of killing me, but I’ve forced myself not to message him throughout the day to ask.
I need to be patient. Calm. Chill. Cool. Basically all the things I’m not.
Seriously, my insides have been in chaos ever since Ben said everything I thought he wouldn’t.
He’s actually agreeing to help me.
This is such a harebrained idea, and I don’t even get why it hit me. But it did, and of course I couldn’t swallow it.
But then he said yes!
Why, I’m not sure.
Maybe he’s some creeper who will take any excuse to touch girls. You basically offered up your body on a platter.
But no, he said he wouldn’t even have to take his clothes off.
He said I could bail if I wanted to.
And… he’s Ben. There’s something so trustworthy about him that I have to try this experiment.
If it gets to be too much, I’ll just tell him and bolt from the room.
No big deal.
“What are you blushing about?” Caroline points her ice cream spoon at me, and I ping straight, forcing my brain back to the present.
“Nothing.” I shake my head and dig my spoon back into my mound of chocolate gelato, keeping my head down so they can’t scrutinize me and my red face.
“Maybe she’s thinking about that guy she has a crush on,” Caroline’s friend Mikayla teases me.
I wrinkle my nose at her, and she just laughs while Caroline tries to weasel out the truth yet again.
“Seriously, who is this guy?”
“It’s no one.” I say it, yet again, because I do not have a crush on Ben Evers. I’m blushing because of what I’ve asked him to do for me.
It’s really sweet that he agreed.
When you think about it from his point of view…
Ugh, it’s the strangest request ever. Which is of course why I’m the one who made it, because I’m a little weirdo.
None of these girls will get it because they’re all cool and have boyfriends.
Even Tammy, the new lady who’s staying at Ponderosa, is getting it on with Baxter.
The girls were laughing about it and teasing one another over drinks.
Actually, Mikayla and Caroline got smashed—like giggly, silly drunk—and my mom would seriously be horrified.
She loves her niece, but I think she’s been worried about Caroline since she left for college. The girl’s become quite worldly in her eyes, and even though she trusts her to keep an eye on me, she’s no doubt paranoid that my cousin will lead me astray.
Well, I don’t need my cousin for that.
Oh my gosh, if my parents knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore…
And the fact that I lost it to someone on a first date!
Kill me now.
They can never know.
And they can never find out what I’ve asked Ben to do for me either.
Which means I will not breathe a word to my cousin or her playful friend who’s grinning at me and wiggling her eyebrows.
“Seriously, you guys.” I try to laugh off this interrogation. “There’s no one. I don’t have a crush on a guy. I only blush when you guys start talking about sexy times because, you know… I’m still…”
“A virgin.” Caroline gives me a tender smile, reaching across the table to squeeze my arm. “I love that about you. I love the way you just do you and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.”
That’s not true! I constantly worry about what people think. I’m sitting here right now lying to you because I’m afraid of your judgment!
“That’s right. You keep those legs of yours crossed until you’re good and ready.” Now Mikayla’s pointing her spoon at me. “Sex isn’t cheap and shouldn’t be thrown around like it is.”
Caroline smirks. “But when you are ready… it’s so fun!”
I force out a laugh, which Caroline doesn’t notice because Mikayla’s too busy calling her a nympho.
“I am not. I just happen to be dating the hottest guy in Nolan, and he just happens to be a freaking stallion in bed.”
“Ew, I don’t want to picture Casey and you in bed.” Mikayla sticks out her tongue, and I sit here quietly watching them hassle each other.
Great, now we’re hearing about what a rock star Ethan is. Are they seriously competing over which boyfriend can give them a better orgasm?
Okay. I’m so not down for this.
But the looks on their faces.
The way their eyes are sparkling.
Their smiles.
I want an orgasm. I want to know what that feels like. I don’t want to be one of those women who can never have one.
As the girls keep talking, I slip out of my seat, murmuring that I need to use the restroom. As soon as I’m locked in a stall, I dig out my phone and text Ben.
Me: Are we still on for tonight?
My knees start bobbing, my stomach roiling so much I think I’m going to throw up.
But he doesn’t make me wait long.
Those gray dots appear, and then his words are on my phone screen.
Ben: Yep. I was about to text you. I’ve booked a room at a small hotel near the hospital. I figured that would be nice and private for us. I know we want to keep this on the down-low. I hope that’s okay.
Me: That’s perfect! Thank you. I’ll meet you there at eight?
Ben: Eight works for me. Do you want me to pick you up from somewhere? Like maybe a place away from campus?
Me: No, that’s fine. I’ll catch an Uber and see you there. Thanks, Ben.
He sends a thumbs-up emoji and then the address of the hotel.
I brush my finger over the details, chewing on my lip as I imagine what it’ll be like tonight.
My stomach is in chaos, nausea surging through me. Am I doing the right thing? Am I certifiably insane?
Maybe I should just bail.
No! You can do this.
“I said I wouldn’t bail, and I won’t,” I murmur to myself.
This is going to be great. It’ll be freaking life-changing!