Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Walker
Ineed to tell her or end it now. I’ve already royally fucked up by letting it get this far.
I don’t know how I thought there would be anything casual between Jessie and me.
Because she is the air to my lungs. Being without her is like suffocating.
But this secret is like pollution to our world.
It’s constantly sneaking around and threatening to destroy us.
Eli is now nine weeks old. Jessie has been in my life regularly for over a month, and everything I thought I knew about myself and my future has been blown to smithereens. As I try to put the pieces back in place, I find they no longer fit where they once did.
She’s coming over tonight after work. I have to decide by this weekend. It’s an impossible decision.
Bradly appears in my office with a strange look on his face.
“What’s going on, Bradly?” I ask from my chair behind my desk.
He closes the door and walks in closer, taking a seat in front of me. “Just overheard Pierce talking to some associates in the break room.”
I roll my eyes. I’ve successfully dodged him the last couple of weeks.
I refuse to go into the break room where he frequents.
Call it being a sore loser, but the thought of hearing about the case makes my head hurt.
Or how he’ll definitely become a majority partner after this case if he wins.
I’m sure all he wants to do is continue to rub the possibility in my face.
“Being a prick, I’m sure,” I add.
He smiles and nods. “Always. He was talking about you. Saying he’s noticed you’ve been leaving work at five p.m. for weeks now. Thinks you’re no longer putting in the time you should as a partner at the firm.”
My jaw muscles bunch and twitch with restrained fury. “The man has some nerve, letting my name fall from his dry, crusty lips.”
“Are you going to talk to him about it?”
My voice drops low, my words clipped. “I’ll deal with him. Thanks for letting me know.”
“No problem, boss.”
Bradly gets up and leaves me to stew in my office, my mind churning with all the ways I’d like to wipe that smug look off Pierce’s face. The man thrives on playing dirty, and humility has never crossed his path.
Instead of leaving the office with excitement to see Jessie and Eli, I have the weight of Pierce’s words hanging over me. They crush down on me like my father’s look of disappointment, knowing I let the opportunity slip through my hands.
When I walk into my place, I am short and quiet with Mrs. M. She tells me about Eli’s day and then pats my shoulder and offers a smile. She can sense I’ve had a bad day.
“Go cuddle your daughter,” she says on her way out. “It’ll make everything better.”
Once the door is closed, I rid myself of my jacket and tie, then walk over to Eli, who appears to be happy in her swing. I turn off the music and motion, then unbuckle her, scooping her up into my arms. Her head rests just under my chin, and I take in the smell of her innocence.
Innocence the world hasn’t trampled over yet. I squeeze her a little tighter at the thought of her losing it one day.
An hour later, while Eli and I are snuggling on the couch, Jessie walks in the door. She still has a key from the first week she stayed with me to help. I like knowing she feels so comfortable that she still uses it.
Yet another reason why I know the clock is ticking on my decision.
Her bright smile, the one that used to light me up inside, now cuts both ways. I want to hold on to it forever, but all I can think about is how many more of those smiles I’ll get before the truth rips it away.
“Aw, look at you two,” she says adoringly, then leans down and kisses me on the lips, then gives a sleeping Eli a kiss on her cheek. “How was your day?”
“Fine,” I reply as I stand up and gently place Eli back in her swing.
“Oof.” Jessie wraps her arms around my chest. “That doesn’t sound so good. Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.” I rub her arms and kiss her lips. “I just want to enjoy a glass of wine and some dinner with you.”
Her lips linger on mine, and then her tongue slips inside and mingles with mine for a second, just enough to tease. “That can be done. I’ll go open a bottle.”
She pulls away. The absence of her body leaves me with a cold feeling of abandonment, the same one my parents left that I’ve been chasing to replace for years.
When will it ever be my turn to feel completely loved for who I am? Not defined by my success or my bank account. I know it’s not Jessie’s fault that we’re in this predicament, but it still hurts nonetheless.
I pull out the dinner that Mrs. M left in the oven. Steak and potatoes with a salad in the fridge.
“Okay, here we go.” Jessie hands me a glass of wine, filled to the rim.
I look down at the glass, then back at her. “You trying to get me drunk?”
“Nah, I don’t need you drunk to get what I want from you,” she says with a wink.
I laugh, and for the first time since Bradly walked into my office, I can breathe a little easier. “I can’t argue with that.”
We place our glasses on the dinner table and get our plates ready. Mrs. M seems to always cook for two. I never told her I’d be feeding another adult each night. It’s strange, her picking up on something I never told her.
“How was your day?” I ask as I cut into the juicy steak.
She ponders over my question as she chews. “In comparison to how bad it could be, it was pretty good.”
I turn my head to the side as I study her. “Do you often have awful days?”
“It’s hit or miss. Depends on if my cases are going as planned. If they’re not, if I have to hand a child back to an abusive parent because of the legal system”—her eyes turn down—“those days are the worst.”
“Jessie,” I say more sharply than I meant to, “you know that’s not your fault. Do you hear me? Not even a little. That’s on the system, not on you.”
She shrugs her shoulders, not seeming convinced by my words. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”
I nod my head in understanding. “You’re incredible—you know that? These kids are lucky to have someone like you fighting for them.”
A twinge of jealousy hits me in the gut. She’s doing exactly what she wanted to do. Me? I’m a traitor to the highest degree. I wanted to fight power and corruption; instead, I’m adding to it. Acknowledging the truth leaves a bitter taste in my mouth—the taste of shame.
It remains with me throughout the rest of dinner and while I put Eli to sleep.
I walk back into the family room, where Jessie is now cuddled up on the couch with a blanket and the remote. I fall down next to her, then rest my hand behind my head as my legs sprawl out.
I feel her eyes on me while I watch the show she has on in the background.
“Can we talk about it now?” she asks hesitantly.
I look over at her. “Talk about what?”
“What happened at work today. Whatever has you acting so weird tonight.”
I let out a long sigh, the weight of the day pressing heavier on me. This isn’t the conversation I wanted to have tonight, but there’s no escaping it now.
“It’s just a partner at my firm, the one who got the pharmaceutical case; he was talking to colleagues of mine about how I haven’t been a very good partner, leaving early the last couple of weeks. My assistant overheard him.”
She looks at me without much of an expression. “He sounds like a prick.”
I nod my head. “Yep. That’s Pierce for you. A prick.”
“So,” she continues, “who cares what he says? As long as Decker and Maxfield understand, then it doesn’t matter.”
My eyes shift down to my lap, where I pick off an imaginary piece of lint from my sweatpants. “I haven’t told them about Eli yet.”
The stillness in the room feels sharp, Jessie’s quiet eyes saying everything I’m too much of a coward to admit.
“Are you ashamed of her?” Her voice is etched with shock.
I snap my head up at her. “Of course I’m not ashamed of Eli. I love Eli.”
“So, why have you been hiding her from them? These are supposed to be your mentors. Shouldn’t they know something that impacts you and your work schedule so dramatically?”
“Yes. I’m planning on telling them. It’s just been chaotic. I’m trying to get my head out from under water.”
A cynical laugh escapes from her. “Really? Are you sure you’re not worried about whether or not they’ll think you’re as valuable as you were before you had such a big commitment outside of work?”
Her words are so spot-on that it nearly pulls a gasp from me. She always knows exactly what’s going on inside of my head. It’s alarming at times.
“Is it so wrong if I am?” I ask defensively.
“I mean, if that’s who you want to be. If where you want to spend your time is a place that sees your daughter as a roadblock to more money.”
“That’s not fair, Jessie.”
“No, Walker. You know what’s not fair? You walking around, hiding shit from people you claim to care about.”
The double meaning to that statement is clear. It’s exactly what I knew was coming by jumping into this without a plan, without a decision.
“You hide Eli from the people who should know her, and you hide the truth from me. Do you realize what that says, Walker? That we’re both just things you keep locked away until it’s convenient.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Jessie. I’m just … I’m trying to hold it all together. You don’t understand. If I tell you, if I lay it all out, I might lose everything.”
Tears begin to fall down her cheeks. She does her best to wipe them away, but they continue to come down. I reach over to smooth them away, but she shoves my arm out of the way.
“You’re already losing me. I can’t do this anymore, not when you keep half of yourself locked away. Until you’re ready to be honest with me about everything, we’re done.”
She jumps off of the couch and grabs her purse from the chair in the foyer. I chase after her, toward the door, as panic begins to build in my veins, adrenaline pumping through me.
“Jessie, wait, please …”
She turns around with those tears stuck in her eyes, making my heart shatter. “No, Walker. I’m done. You don’t know what the hell you want, and I won’t stick around, waiting for you to figure it out.”
She shuts the door in my face, leaving me standing alone as I try to figure out what just happened. How did it all spiral out of control so quickly? One minute, we were getting ready to watch a show, and the next, I’ve lost the most important woman in my life. The woman I love.
My head falls back as I try to stop the tears that threaten to come.
I should have never let it get this far.
I let myself pretend there was a possibility I could have it all.
The woman I love, a beautiful daughter, and a successful career.
Now I’m on the verge of losing everything, all because I’m too much of a coward to take what I want.