Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jessie
Ihate him. I hate that he has this power over me. I hate myself for not being smart enough to say no from the beginning. Mostly, I hate how much I love him despite all that has happened. My heart feels smashed to pieces so small that there’s no use in even trying to put it back together.
I want to call him and scream at him. Beg him to stop being so afraid of what everyone else thinks about how he should live his life and just live it for himself.
But I know that will fall on deaf ears. He’s proven himself to be too weak to stand up for what he believes in, and I’m the collateral damage.
Anger seeps deep down into my bones, hardening me from inside out. I feel the old, protective Jessie coming back. The one who will use humor and insults as a defense mechanism to guard herself.
My muscles are tense from the lack of sleep I got last night. Thankfully, it’s Friday. I just need to get through today, and then I can bury myself under the covers and hide away from the world.
I feel my phone buzz in my purse that I tossed on the ground this morning when I got here. I reach in and pull it out to see who’s calling. A wave of relief washes over me when I see my dad’s name flashing across the screen. This is exactly who I needed to talk to.
“Hi, Dad,” I answer with a sense of comfort.
“Hi, sweetie. Guess what,” he says cheerfully.
“What?” I reply.
“I’m in the city for some business. Want to meet me for lunch?”
My shoulders fall, losing some of their tension. “Yes. I’d love to have lunch.”
“Great. Let’s meet at your favorite spot. Noon work?”
“Perfect. I’ll see you soon.”
I shuffle through my paperwork for the next hour as my mind continues to spiral with the memory of last night. There’s a part of me that’s angry with myself for pushing him away—angry that I took away the happiness I’d felt over the last couple of months.
When I finally get to the restaurant, I spot my dad sitting at our favorite corner booth.
He knows the owner and somehow always gets our booth, no matter how late of notice he gives them.
Just seeing his face has my eyes watering.
He’s the one soft place for me to land, and right now, I need him more than I can ever remember needing him before.
I take my seat across from him and place my purse next to me. He smiles brightly at me.
“There she is.” He places the menu down. “I was thinking I might get the—” Then he stops mid-sentence when his eyes meet mine. “What’s wrong?”
My bottom lip quivers. I try to fight off the tears, but one betrays me and cascades down my cheek. I wipe it away and blink rapidly. “It’s nothing.” I shrug my shoulders and look out the window.
His silence fills the space between us, dragging on until I have to look back at him.
He raises his eyebrows. “It’s not nothing. You’re upset. Talk to me, honey. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
The waiter interrupts us to get our drink order. Once he’s gone, Dad goes back to studying me, waiting for me to talk.
“Just … boy drama. Nothing you can do about it,” I answer, rubbing my hands over my legs nervously.
“Well, I don’t know about that. I may be old, but I can still throw a good punch if I need to.”
My chest shakes lightly as I let out a laugh that tastes more like defeat than humor. “I don’t need you to beat anybody up for me.”
“That’s true. You’re tough. You could do it yourself.” He winks.
I roll my eyes. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Is this about Walker?” he asks point-blank, no beating around the bush. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with him and his daughter.”
He knows me too well. I should’ve known he would figure it out. I’ve been very open with him about the time I’ve been spending with Walker and Eli.
Just thinking about Eli opens the floodgates.
“I love them,” I admit out loud for the first time.
He reaches across the table and grabs my hand. The warmth of his hand offers a touch of solace. But he doesn’t press me to talk; instead, he just offers quiet companionship.
Then the words just spill out of me. “We were more than just friends. At some point during all of this, we became more. I shouldn’t have let it happen. It’s my fault. He had warned me from the beginning that we couldn’t be together.”
That seems to surprise him. “Why?”
A bitter laugh bubbles out of me. “I don’t know.” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “He won’t tell me. He’s the most stubborn, annoying man on the planet. I mean, what on earth can it be that he can’t even tell me what it is? This isn’t high school. Just be a man and tell me.”
“Huh.” He scratches his chin. “That is odd. Not like Walker at all.”
Even my dad can see this isn’t like him. But I’m angry. And right now, I just want him to tell me Walker is an asshole who doesn’t deserve me. They may not be the words that will get me through the situation, but they would get me through the day.
Dad isn’t like that though. He doesn’t speak lies to placate anybody. He tells it like it is. It’s one of the reasons I know I can always trust him.
“Maybe the Walker we think we know isn’t the one who exists today.”
The waiter comes over and takes our order, temporarily distracting us from our conversation. Dad orders for both of us as I try to compose myself and wipe away the evidence of my sorrows.
Once he’s gone, Dad adjusts his silverware while he appears to think. “Life isn’t always easy. Sometimes, the pressures of the outside world can weigh down on you until you barely recognize yourself anymore.”
“Why does it sound like you’re condoning his behavior?” I ask defensively.
His eyes look pained. “I just can’t help but feel like he’s battling something inside of him, something his father drilled into him that’s hard to shake.
It doesn’t excuse the mistakes, and God knows I don’t want to see you hurt.
But a part of me wonders if what you see in him is real, if maybe he’s trying to crawl out from under all of the weight.
I’m torn, Jessie—between wanting to protect your heart and not ignoring the possibility that the man you’ve fallen for is still fighting to be better. ”
His words cut into the deep wounds inside of me that are tired. Tired of fighting for something that feels like a battle where my heart is the casualty.
“I can’t wait around any longer for his honesty, for his truth.”
“You’re right. You deserve better than that.
No matter what happens, I know you will be okay.
Because from the time you were little, you held a strength inside of you that I’ve envied.
No matter what, you stay true to yourself.
I’m so damn proud of the woman you’ve become.
Never let anyone dim the light inside of you. It makes the world a better place.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I reply through blurry vision. “Ugh, enough about this. What’s new with you?”
“I got to see your brother last night,” he tells me after he takes a sip of his drink.
“How’s he doing?” I ask, feigning my interest.
Ethan and I are like oil and vinegar. We just don’t go well together.
He always cared about his image, treating me like an inconvenient little sister who got in the way of his attention.
For years, I figured it was just a weird sibling-rivalry thing and we’d outgrow it and become close as adults.
Maybe once we matured. But it appears Ethan as a mature adult isn’t much different from the one I grew up with.
Don’t get me wrong; I love him in the he’s your brother so you have to kind of way.
“He’s had a hard go at life in the last six months. Was passed on for a big promotion and Melissa broke up with him.”
A twinge of guilt eats at me for not feeling surprised at all. “That’s … too bad.”
Dad chuckles. “Now, I know you two have had your differences. But he’s getting there. Working through his own struggles. We had a long talk last night. A deep one.”
“I didn’t know he was capable,” I say with my straw in my mouth.
“All I’m saying is, go easy on him. Life is teaching him some tough lessons at the moment. I don’t like to see either of my kids struggle.”
“Yeah, I know. You’re a great dad. We’re both lucky to have you.”
He reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“Well”—he sits up straight—“let’s talk about something else. I sense that right now, you need a distraction.”
I smile reluctantly. “You can say that again.”
He proceeds to talk nonstop for the rest of lunch, making fun of the people in their social circle and telling jokes that I’ve heard a hundred times. But it’s exactly what I needed to get me through the day.
As soon as I’m home from work, I change into a cozy set of pajamas and pop open a bottle of wine.
I turn on the TV, but I can’t distract myself from the soul-crushing pain that sits heavy in my chest. I try to play a game on my phone, clean, scroll through social media, until I toss my phone on the ground and sink into my couch cushions.
I can picture Walker and Eli snuggling with each other at his place right now. If I hadn’t gone off last night, I would be with them right now. Everything inside of me wants to run over there and beg for him to take me back.
But I can’t. I won’t.
Instead, I let my head fall forward and cry. My tears wet the couch. Each one is a release of the loneliness taking hold of me and threatening to take me under.