Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Walker
Ineed to get out of my place. Each spot I move to holds a memory of Jessie that reminds me of what I had …
and what I lost. Her words play on repeat in my head, a cruel soundtrack that keeps telling me what a coward I am.
For letting her leave without falling to my knees and begging her to stay.
For ever being the man who could make her shed a tear of sadness.
Eli cries in my arms, and I know I can’t stay here a second longer. I pack up a diaper bag and place her in the stroller, hoping she settles enough on the walk to take a nap.
As I walk the streets of the city, my mind struggles to take in my surroundings. It’s like all it can do is spin in a circle of lost hopes and dreams while the world around me continues as if nothing is wrong.
But everything is wrong.
I knock on the door and hope that she’s home. It opens, and Eva’s shocked expression turns to worry in an instant as her eyes look me up and down.
“You look awful,” she states matter-of-factly. “Is everything okay?”
My head shakes back and forth as emotion bubbles up from a dark place where I’ve hidden over a decade of hurt from everyone—including myself. It’s like a dam has broken, and I can no longer keep all of it hidden.
“Oh my gosh.” She opens the door. “Get in here.”
I push Eli into the foyer and park the stroller.
Eva takes over and takes her out of the car seat, then walks us into her place, where Addie appears to be lying on a blanket on the floor, kicking her feet with excitement.
She places Eli next to her cousin, then motions for me to sit on the couch, sitting right next to me and taking my hand.
I glance around their place, realizing it's Saturday. “Where’s Roman?”
“He’s out of town. Had to check on a hotel in Italy. Don’t worry about him. Talk to me, Walker.”
I rest my elbows on my thighs and take in a shaky breath. “I don’t even know where to start.”
Her warm hand begins to run soothing circles on my back. “Just start talking. We can fill in gaps later.”
“It’s Jessie.” My voice cracks. “She ended it.”
Eva gasps. “What? Why would she do that?”
“Honestly, I’m shocked she gave me a second chance in the first place. I sure as hell didn’t deserve it.”
Her head cranes to the side. “Second chance? When was the first chance?”
“Almost ten years ago.”
“What?” she nearly shouts. “TEN years ago! That’s …” She stops to do the math. “We were in high school.”
I nod my head. “You had just graduated. It was actually your graduation party. She snuck into my room that night.”
I realize the details are a little odd to be discussing with my sister, but I’m in no frame of mind to sugarcoat it.
So, I continue, “She went down on me. Best fucking blow job of my life.” She gags, and I smile. “You said you wanted the story.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think I needed to know her skill level on the matter.”
“Sorry. I like to give credit where credit is due.”
She sighs. “Just … go on.”
“Anyway, I honestly didn’t know it was her. I thought it was Natalie.”
Another gag from Eva. “She was the worst.”
“True. But she was safe. I had already begun to have these … feelings for Jessie even though I knew they were wrong at the time. She was too young. Natalie was just a distraction.” I run a hand through my hair.
“Anyway, when I found out it was Jessie, I wasn’t exactly thrilled.
I yelled at her. Told her we could never happen.
Led her to believe I felt nothing for her.
It was never the same between us after that. ”
She sits in silence for a moment as she takes this information in. “I guess it makes sense why she hated your guts for so long.”
“Yeah, I pulled away from her after that.”
“But … if you really had feelings for her, what was the problem? She was eighteen and heading to college in the city where you lived. I get that she’s younger than you, but six years is nothing. You were still in law school yourself. It doesn’t make sense.”
“That night …” I start, and my body begins to tremble with the memory.
I’ve never told a single soul about this.
“I overheard something I shouldn’t have.
It’s something I told myself I’d take to my grave because it would really hurt Jessie.
I knew I couldn’t be with her as long as I had this secret.
It was just easier to be a dick to her to keep her at a distance. ”
“What the hell did you overhear?” she whispers.
My head shakes quickly. “I’ve never told anyone about it. It’s just too …”
“Okay,” she replies softly, realizing the struggle I’m having telling her. “So, what made her end it now?”
“She found out I hadn’t told my partners about Eli yet. Everything spiraled from there.” My head falls into my hands.
“Why haven’t you told them about Eli?”
“Because I’m a coward. A piece of shit who’s worried about his image, about being the best, rather than what’s important.”
“Let’s not do any name-calling. Be kind to yourself. Can I ask something?”
I lift my head and look over at her.
“Are you happy at your job?”
“I …” My voice trails off as I have a flashback of all of my years at the firm. “I don’t know. There’s been some good moments. It felt good to make partner. To feel like a success.”
“That’s not what I asked. Are you happy there? Do you enjoy who you work with? Do you love the work that you do?”
“Who likes the people they work with? I mean, it’s not exactly what I wanted to do when I was younger, but I’m an adult. Goals change.”
She nods her head, seemingly not satisfied with the answer, but she lets it go. “So, Jessie got mad at you for not telling your company yet and … ended it?”
I scrub a hand down my face. “She continued on about honesty—about this secret I’m holding on to. She decided she couldn’t deal with half-truths. She’s right. She deserves more. She deserves the world, and I can’t give it to her.”
“So, she knows there’s a secret?” Eva asks with a hitch to her voice.
“Yeah, I told her before we started anything this time around. I was bound and determined to keep my distance, but I wasn’t strong enough.”
“Do you love her?”
A bitter laugh escapes me. “More than I thought was possible.”
“Then you need to tell her,” Eva says matter-of-factly. “There’s no secret that’s worth losing the love of your life. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can be figured out. You’re probably just making a bigger deal about it than it actually is because you’re so protective.”
My eyes meet hers, and I see the confidence she feels with her advice. She thinks she knows what’s right. I’m about to show her what I’ve hidden from the world for far too long.
“Jerry isn’t Jessie’s biological father.”
Her lips part, but no sound follows—only the stunned silence of a truth she never imagined. My legs bounce up and down with nervous energy. I thought saying it out loud one day would feel like a release, but it’s still a secret from the one who would truly be affected by it.
“W-w-w-what? How? T-t-t-that can’t be …” Eva stutters through her words. “Where did you hear that?”
“I overheard her parents at your graduation party, fighting in the garage. Jerry wanted to tell Jessie the truth. Meredith was furious. She said it would devastate Jessie and ruin their image if Jessie ever told anyone else.”
“I don’t know … that’s … that would destroy Jessie.”
“Yeah, it would.”
“Her dad is her best friend. He’s the only one in her family she feels connected to. If she knew he wasn’t actually her …” Eva doesn’t finish her sentence.
We both know how hard this would be for Jessie. I don’t know if she would ever truly recover from news like this. How could I take away the one person in her life who keeps her grounded?
Every part of me wants to tell her, to free us both from this burden. But love isn’t just about honesty; it’s about sacrifice. If telling her means destroying her, is silence the greater mercy?
“She would be destroyed,” I finish for her.
“I’m so sorry you’ve carried this around for so long. That must’ve been so hard.”
Tears begin to prick the corners of my eyes. “It’s been hell.”
Her arms wrap around my neck, and I let my head fall onto her shoulder and begin to sob.
It’s a childlike cry that has no limitations, as everything I’ve held together for so long flows out.
For the first time in our relationship, I let my sister comfort me in a way that a mother comforts her child.
A comfort I’ve never gotten from our own mother.
When we finally pull apart, I notice Eva’s tears that stain her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” I wipe my face. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that.”
“Please don’t apologize. I think we both needed a good cry.”
I chuckle at the ridiculousness of that. Of course, Eva would savor a cry like it’s a treasured moment; meanwhile, I’m slightly humiliated.
“So, what do you think you’re going to do?” she asks as the babies start to talk next to each other.
I almost forgot they were there, so consumed with my emotions.
“One problem at a time. I’d like to head into work and just rip off the Band-Aid and tell them.”
Her eyes open wide. “Like … right now?”
I check my watch. “Why not? They’re probably all at the office anyway.”
“Do you want me to watch Eli while you do it?”
“Can you?”
“Of course. I’m sure they both need to go down for naps soon anyway.”
“I packed her bottles. She should take one and nap for a while.”
I stand up from the couch, and she stops me as she stands.
“Hey”—she opens her arms and gives me a hug—“I’m proud of you. You’re not only an amazing dad, but an incredible person with a huge heart. Never doubt that.”
“Thanks,” I manage, my voice rough around the edges. “I love you, sis.”
“I love you too,” she replies lightly.
I head out of her place and walk down the streets of Manhattan with my hands in my jean pockets, feeling a bit lighter. I don’t have everything figured out, I don’t have the women that I love, but I have at least one action item. Talk to my work.